Somebody tell me we're doing the right thing (FIL related)

[TammyS]

We didn't intend to tell everyone - only those directly involved. The ones who support whatever is best for Dad. Word got around. Quickly. 

 

Well, someone told.  You need to figure out who that is and cut them out of the information loop (which really should be you, dh, and his doctors....maybe FIL).

[hornblower]

there's a DOG in the middle of all this? 

for heaven's sake, this just makes me all so mad.  

so to that list above, add someone who is responsible for the dog, making sure it gets it walks, grooming, appropriate food, and regular vet visits. 

 

 

(we're in the middle of eldercare with one set of parents.
Second set of parents is young and they're being nagged regularly to get their affairs arranged and make plans now because if not, I will implement a plan myself and I will not dilly dally. There's a plus and minus to being an only child. Yes it all falls on me, but otoh, nobody argues with me.) 

[AimeeM]

there's a DOG in the middle of all this? 

 

for heaven's sake, this just makes me all so mad.  

so to that list above, add someone who is responsible for the dog, making sure it gets it walks, grooming, appropriate food, and regular vet visits. 

 

 

 

(we're in the middle of eldercare with one set of parents.

Second set of parents is young and they're being nagged regularly to get their affairs arranged and make plans now because if not, I will implement a plan myself and I will not dilly dally. There's a plus and minus to being an only child. Yes it all falls on me, but otoh, nobody argues with me.) 

Yes, there's a dog in the middle of this. Dog has been well cared for and is rather easy in that Dad does always allow for help with the dog. Unfortunately the dog hates everyone but FIL, but as long as we're just feeding, watering, and taking him outside, he doesn't try to bite us. A woman friend of Dad's takes the dog to vet visits and has for some time now.

[Supertechmom]

You are welcome Seasider.  I have found in large families, there are two or three people who are "the boss" and the rest are minions who do as they are told.  I haven't seen some of mine in years.  One phone call and a plan of action would be in place today with regular updates with most likely a sigh of "I am so glad someone decided to do something.  We didn't know what would be acceptable or wanted. " The ones I would call are the ones who everyone would obey.    Consider it like mobilizing the troops.   :lol:

 

Large families aren't bad.   Just frustrating sometimes, especially if you aren't aware of just how much family there is.   (my hubby is always shocked that most of my FB friends are related LOL!)  Such decisions would usually involve a big ole meeting, clear line of who the buck stops with, and what is needed.  That family member that spread the news to stop you moving him could also be the very one to make sure the locals are doing exactly what you need and mobilize all the countless friends, cousins, relatives into one big ole eldercare machine.  My great grandmother had somebody from children to great-great grandchildren on a regular visiting cycle arranged around meals, medicine times, and times they knew she would try to do something she was no longer able to do....   And that was just when she wasn't safe to stay alone but wanted to stay home.  When she was on hospice,  Oh boy....  it  was amazing...  We were long distance but our visits were planned and we were put right into rotation. 

[Valley Girl]

Aimee, what is the plan for the dog if FIL moves with you? On the one hand, to take his pet away would be another loss for an ill, elderly man. But on the other hand, I'd be leery of having a dog that might bite in a houseful of active children. There's not a single thing is this situation that's going to be easy for you. I'm so sorry.

[AimeeM]

Aimee, what is the plan for the dog if FIL moves with you? On the one hand, to take his pet away would be another loss for an ill, elderly man. But on the other hand, I'd be leery of having a dog that might bite in a houseful of active children. There's not a single thing is this situation that's going to be easy for you. I'm so sorry.

The dog will not be able to come. (No rocks thrown, please!)

The dog absolutely bites and only likes FIL. He's bitten me once and tries to bite the children. We would try to re-home with a family member or friend, because many of them only have adult children. If that doesn't work, well, I'm not sure. 

We have a young GSD, an elderly Iggy, and three children at home - we wouldn't be able to risk it.

Edited June 3, 2016 by AimeeM

[Mama Geek]

Just as a counter-point, keep in mind that he is going downhill very quickly *right now*.  If you move him, he might pass soon, but the same outcome is likely in his current situation.  His passing won't be *because* you moved him, it will be because he is very ill in hospice care, and it is inevitable.

 

All you and dh can do is find the best, safest way for him to spend these last days...that is a trade-off of  best medical and best emotional.  He is past the point of being able to make good decisions, so you guys have to make the best one you can...and, as someone told me, they all suck!

 

As stressful as it is, it is kind to let him try one last time.  Maybe he'll make it work with local help, but if not, and you have to move him, keep in mind that though he is losing his contacts there, he will be gaining every day with his grandchildren, you, and your dh, all of whom he loves very much.

 

ETA: :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

When we moved my grandmother away from her home she very quickly quit responding to people and was very depressed, she never overcame it.  She quit talking, she quit responding and just gave up.  Either way will be very difficult.  She passed away just shy of 2 years after my grandfather passed away and well less than 6 months after she moved in with us.

[TravelingChris]

I didn't read anything about a dog.  Where was that mentioned?

[AimeeM]

I didn't read anything about a dog.  Where was that mentioned?

Upthread a bit. The dog is actually more well taken care of than Dad in this mix, because he doesn't refuse help for the dog (only for himself). 

[StephanieZ]

You have to do what you have to do. It is painful to "become the parent" and play the "parent card" on your own parent . . . but it is a reality. It gets emotionally easier on you after that transition. You just have to put on your "big girl panties" and suffer through the guilt and discomfort. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your FIL is very fortunate to have you and his son looking out for him. It's hard, but you just have to do it. Those first weeks/months of asserting authority are the hardest, IME. There will be much work to do, but, for me, the emotionally hardest part is right where you are right now. Just put one foot in front of another, and keep making the kindest, most loving choices you can. (((hugs)))

[Valley Girl]

The dog will not be able to come. (No rocks thrown, please!)

The dog absolutely bites and only likes FIL. He's bitten me once and tries to bite the children. We would try to re-home with a family member or friend, because many of them only have adult children. If that doesn't work, well, I'm not sure. 

We have a young GSD, an elderly Iggy, and three children at home - we wouldn't be able to risk it.

 

Yeah, you'd be volunteering for a world of extra trouble--not to mention potential tragedy--by bringing FIL's dog with you under those circumstances.