Neighborhood Update . . .

[Amy in Orlando]

After last week's debacle, things have finally calmed down a bit. I have to say, my dh is wonderful. I was so hurt and so "wounded" (only word I can think of) and he just did all the right things. He helped me sort through everything and helped me work out a solution that would best serve our neighborhood situation and me too. (not sure if I said that right - but there's not anything to be read into this)

 

I ended up talking to each neighbor separately (email and in person). I admitted to what was truthful in their attack, but pointed out how mean, unexpected and hateful it was. They both truly recognized what I was saying. It's been a really awful week. But it hasn't been a lost week.

 

BUT ... I will say that each of these ladies rose to the situation. They apologized and we sat down together last night and set some ground rules. I don't know that we'll ever be as buddy-buddy as we were (I have some huge trust issues) but at least we're all speaking nicely to each other and I have clear guidelines on what everyone expects for playtime with the boys.

 

The whole thing seems crazy to me, but I have a very different perspective (having older kids) than they do. They'll learn the hard way, like I guess most parents of oldest kids do, that things are going to change in a big way in a relatively short time.

 

For now, I'm content that I've talked to them and presented my side of things. It's a different neighborhood, but I think we'll all muddle through this. Andy has some new rules, but he hasn't lost his friends.

 

I know some will see this as a sell-out, and maybe it is. But, I have to live here. Moving in the remotely near future is not an option. And, I'm too old to be run out of town by a couple of "Mean Girls." I feel like we're all back on equal footing at the very least. I stood up for myself and I think they heard me. We'll see.

 

If nothing else, this "episode" helped me see that I'm sliding into a depression and have been for a few weeks. I'm taking steps to address that and that is a BIG silver lining to me.

 

I've been facing things I've been skirting and it feels good to just get it done. A big thing on my mind has been my little soap business. After four years, three online, I've faced the fact that everyone that buys from me (well, not everyone, but nearly) is in the same boat we are financially. We're not spending much on extras these days and no one else is either. For the most part, The Foil Hat soap company is being put to sleep. And, as sad as this makes me, it's also a relief. I was really freaked out at the thought of risking our own money to buy stuff for Christmas with the knowledge that everyone is cutting WAY back. We can't afford to lose that kind of investment right now.

 

You all have been so kind and supportive and I felt like I owed you a follow-up. In a perfect world, I might have acted differently. In the real world, I feel like we're on the right track.

 

It's a new day. In our neighborhood, we're all a bit (read A LOT) scared of the economic situation. We've all lost more than we're willing to look at online of our retirement. Our businesses and jobs are seriously threatened. Everyone's on edge. I'd rather just suck up ugly behavior and be able to talk to my neighbor than to hold a grudge and be alone right now.

 

So, for now, it's all good, different, but good. And, it appears I'm growing a spine. (Yay me!)

 

I truly thank all of you for being so wonderful when I "hit bottom" last week. The responses and the emails and the phone calls made such a HUGE difference. Once again, I'm indebted to this board! :grouphug:

[Danestress]

I know you don't feel 100% resolved. In fact, it sounds like you still feel bruised and wary. But I think it's so great that you were able to stand up to yourself, that you emailed and called, and that you all sat down and talked through the issues. I think it takes a lot more maturity and courage to stay engaged with neighbors who are challenging than to just write them off.

 

You kept your eye on the big picture - your own comfort and the pleasure of your boys in living where you live and having the friends they have.

 

 

It just sounded so ....... adult.

 

Dana

[Amy in Orlando]

I know you don't feel 100% resolved. In fact, it sounds like you still feel bruised and wary. But I think it's so great that you were able to stand up to yourself, that you emailed and called, and that you all sat down and talked through the issues. I think it takes a lot more maturity and courage to stay engaged with neighbors who are challenging than to just write them off.

 

You kept your eye on the big picture - your own comfort and the pleasure of your boys in living where you live and having the friends they have.

 

 

It just sounded so ....... adult.

 

Dana

 

WOW Dana, you read this all exactly true. Amazing, huh, I'm finally being an adult and I'm 43??

 

I do think this is the best way to go in our specific situation.

[gardenschooler]

I'm so glad to hear this, Amy. I've really been worried about you, and I agree with Dana - this was a very grown-up way to handle it. Peace in the neighborhood, letting people learn and see things for themselves (as their kids get older), and seeing to it that a little boy gets to keep hangin' with his friends is not being a sell-out. Not by a long shot.

 

I think talking to them separately was a very good idea. You addressed the issues (even the one about how they approached you), and you can all move on now. You can get back to being neighborly without all of these hurt feelings swirling in the air. You did the right thing. I'm impressed - I don't know how grown-up I could be in the same situation, even though I have bitten my tongue until it bled as to not mess up my kids' friends before. I'd probably still be inside, licking my wounds. I hear you on the trust issue!

 

I'm sad to hear about you putting The Foil Hat to sleep, but that's probably a wise financial decision right now. There isn't much money to spare anywhere. Maybe this will give you some more time to address what you need to.

 

A good end, all the way around. And three cheers for your dh for helping you through this!

Edited October 5, 2008 by gardenschooler

[Amy in Orlando]

You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body. -C.S. Lewis - Gardenschooler, I never noticed this quote under your signature. I love it.

 

And, thanks. I'll pass the cheers along to dh - poor man - it's a wonder he hasn't had me committed.

 

Without dh, I'd still be sitting in the house licking my wounds. I'm so glad he (gently) pushed me. It's not ideal, but it's going to work out just fine.

[Lizzie in Ma]

After last week's debacle, things have finally calmed down a bit. I have to say, my dh is wonderful. I was so hurt and so "wounded" (only word I can think of) and he just did all the right things. He helped me sort through everything and helped me work out a solution that would best serve our neighborhood situation and me too. (not sure if I said that right - but there's not anything to be read into this)

 

I ended up talking to each neighbor separately (email and in person). I admitted to what was truthful in their attack, but pointed out how mean, unexpected and hateful it was. They both truly recognized what I was saying. It's been a really awful week. But it hasn't been a lost week.

 

BUT ... I will say that each of these ladies rose to the situation. They apologized and we sat down together last night and set some ground rules. I don't know that we'll ever be as buddy-buddy as we were (I have some huge trust issues) but at least we're all speaking nicely to each other and I have clear guidelines on what everyone expects for playtime with the boys.

 

The whole thing seems crazy to me, but I have a very different perspective (having older kids) than they do. They'll learn the hard way, like I guess most parents of oldest kids do, that things are going to change in a big way in a relatively short time.

 

For now, I'm content that I've talked to them and presented my side of things. It's a different neighborhood, but I think we'll all muddle through this. Andy has some new rules, but he hasn't lost his friends.

 

I know some will see this as a sell-out, and maybe it is. But, I have to live here. Moving in the remotely near future is not an option. And, I'm too old to be run out of town by a couple of "Mean Girls." I feel like we're all back on equal footing at the very least. I stood up for myself and I think they heard me. We'll see.

 

If nothing else, this "episode" helped me see that I'm sliding into a depression and have been for a few weeks. I'm taking steps to address that and that is a BIG silver lining to me.

 

I've been facing things I've been skirting and it feels good to just get it done. A big thing on my mind has been my little soap business. After four years, three online, I've faced the fact that everyone that buys from me (well, not everyone, but nearly) is in the same boat we are financially. We're not spending much on extras these days and no one else is either. For the most part, The Foil Hat soap company is being put to sleep. And, as sad as this makes me, it's also a relief. I was really freaked out at the thought of risking our own money to buy stuff for Christmas with the knowledge that everyone is cutting WAY back. We can't afford to lose that kind of investment right now.

 

You all have been so kind and supportive and I felt like I owed you a follow-up. In a perfect world, I might have acted differently. In the real world, I feel like we're on the right track.

 

It's a new day. In our neighborhood, we're all a bit (read A LOT) scared of the economic situation. We've all lost more than we're willing to look at online of our retirement. Our businesses and jobs are seriously threatened. Everyone's on edge. I'd rather just suck up ugly behavior and be able to talk to my neighbor than to hold a grudge and be alone right now.

 

So, for now, it's all good, different, but good. And, it appears I'm growing a spine. (Yay me!)

 

I truly thank all of you for being so wonderful when I "hit bottom" last week. The responses and the emails and the phone calls made such a HUGE difference. Once again, I'm indebted to this board! :grouphug:

 

I am glad you took steps to work out the situation. You do live there and you will for the foreseeable future so what had to be done was done. I am so glad to hear that they "rose to the occasion". That has just got to be a huge burden off your shoulders right now.

 

I am sorry about the soap business, I wish I could personally afford to keep you in business. :) But another big decision made to remove more of a burden off those shoulders. Good for you. Much as berries and figs will be missed.

 

Those 2 were heavy and not helping with the depression issues in the least. I have been there before and it can get really bad. I hope things brighten on that front for you, I will be praying that it does.

 

Thanks for letting us know how things are going.:grouphug:

[saw]

I'm glad you've resolved the problem. Hope things keep getting better!

[Mom2legomaniacs]

I am not good with words in the ways that others are. So I will just say that I am very proud of you for doing a really hard thing. You are an amazing woman. Don't ever forget that. :grouphug:

[sleepy]

Oh, Amy. Thanks for posting this update. I've been thinking about you and I'm so glad you're working your way through. :grouphug::grouphug:

[JudoMom]

Wow, Amy. It sounds like you've handled things very well. Good job.

[Mama Lynx]

Amy,

 

I missed the OP on this, but :grouphug:

 

I just wanted to say that I've been quite sorry that I've not been able to buy any more of your soap. I miss it. (Of course, in our new house, I miss having a bathtub to use wonderful soap in :glare:)

[Mama Lynx]

Amy, I just went and looked up your original post.

 

Girl you rock! You just did an amazing, mature, difficult thing. You are awesome.

 

And you can be my neighbor any time. We would have *fun*.

[Harriet Vane]

Thanks for the update.

 

Sounds like you handled it well.

 

:grouphug:

[Vida Winter]

Oh, Amy, I could just hug you for this. You handled it much better than I would have, I'm sure. You rose to the occasion for Andy's sake. You stood up for yourself. I am so proud of you.

 

And the soap business...that is so sad. I put my business to sleep just this past year (web design/hosting) after letting it dwindle to almost nothing for the past 5 years. It was so much a part of me (I had started it in 1997) that I just kept putting it off. But now that it is finally over I do feel a good kind of freedom. Once you let something like that go, you are able to let yourself think about new things.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Dana

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:I'm so glad you were able to work this out. Time has a way of letting us grow and look back to places or points where someone helped us grow, even if we don't see it at the time. They very likely will have a moment down the road and you will have set such a wonderful example of being a mom in the real world. I hope they have the grace to remember and thank you.:grouphug:

 

 

Sending hugs and prayers your way.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Amy, I'm glad that you've had a resolution to the neighborhood situation. I've been thinking of you often. :grouphug:

[JennifersLost]

I'm glad to hear that your dh helped you in this way. He sounds wonderful. The situation as you described it sounded so painful it was hard to even read. It sounds like you have handled it perfectly. And I'm glad you're kind of giving these other ladies a little benefit of the doubt, too. Not that you should just totally trust them now, and you're right - one day they're going to feel like such idiots when their kids get a little older, but there is probably stress in their lives you don't know about and probably lashing out at you had nothing to do with you or your kids at all, you know?

 

If we were neighbors we'd never do something like that. You'd get a plate of hot muffins EVERY DAY!

 

Hugs and love, girl! Sorry to hear about the business woes, too, and glad that you're looking at it in a business-like way. The economy will rebound sooner or later. Maybe you can take a breather to figure out ways to tweak your business-plan a bit, or try something new? Or just relax for a bit?

 

Wish you were closer so we could really talk.