best argument FOR having more children

[StephanieZ]

Well, I didn't, exactly. The first one was don't ask/don't tell....we'd agreed to have kids but he was procrastinating. I told him I wasn't going to avoid anymore, and stopped birth control and went to NFP.  He knew this, and for a while would always ask if I was in my fertile period before we, um, had TEA. But eventually he stopped asking, and well, that's how we got DD. With DS we were both trying to avoid, but it seems that we are more fertile than we though. Dry day (even at the cervix), 5 days before ovulation, and withdrawal and we still got a baby :)

 

How about suggesting to dh that you go with your plan the way you got dd#1. Say it in a way that allows him to say, "Hey, wait, NO", but also a way that allows him to go along for the ride. 

 

Meanwhile, go shopping for lots of sexy underwear, go to bed early, etc. You might just get pg sooner rather than later. If not, you'll likely have a lot of fun. :) 

[StephanieZ]

ps. I do think that if logic is going to work, then "Hey, I'm 40. If we want a baby EVER again, we need to do this now. Dr says so. Statistics say so. It's healthier for me and for the baby. Let's get going, buddy . . . Clean sheets are on the bed. Bubble bath is on the edge of the tub. Kids are in their jammies already and will be in bed early . . ." 

 

Honestly, 40 is a big tipping point. If it were me, I'd be pushing hard (I did at that age, didn't work, but, well, I tried!). Now, at 45, even though my eggs are popping out regularly every month, I realize that I myself don't truly want to take the risk of trying another pregnancy, so it's just as well that dh closed that door (surgically) many years ago. I don't want to suffer the pain of losing a baby, etc. A heart to heart talk or two should get you to a resolution. Otherwise, at some point, you will probably want to set an end-point to end your own consideration, just for your own health and wellbeing. 

[katilac]

Is your dh the sole breadwinner?

 

I wouldn't underestimate the stressfulness of that. The finances don't always work out. It's a legitimate concern, as is not wanting to 'reset the clock' with a new pregnancy and baby. 

 

It's hard when two people are on different pages about more children. 

[3 ladybugs]

I am pretty much in exactly your shoes. I will be 40 this year, I have a 2 year old (and a 7 year old), I don't feel done (always wanted 3) but DH is more there then here. Only I don't have eggs and my peri doesn't want me to get pregnant again (history of stuck placenta). :( So we have a giant cost of adoption, or we can do foster and pray that everything works out well for us. 

 

I try to point out to my DH when we see stories of child abuse that we would be helping children not have to deal with that. I don't know if it is working or not, but that is all I can think of. 

 

I hope you and your hubby are able to come to a meeting of the minds. It is sad when I see good people want more children but can't for whatever reason (I have been in infertility circles for years too). 

[Gentlemommy]

I wish I knew the right words to say...my dh sounds a bit like yours, hesitant to change or rock the boat, so to speak. I desperately, desperately want another baby. Or three. He does not. He is afraid it will be too overwhelming, we won't be able to do the things we (he) want to do. I say, *I* am the one pregnant, nursing, getting up in the middle of the night, full time parenting and homeschooling, dealing with the day to day stuff. He travels a lot for work and isn't home most of the time. He wants to take vacations and go skiing and a baby would make that sort of thing more difficult. When I have a hard day, or feel tired or overwhelmed, he takes it as I couldn't handle another. I've told him I've had bad or overwhelming moments since I became a mother, it just comes with the territory. The joy and love far outweighs those brief moments of chaos to me. But not for him. Like someone upthread stated, when I'm old and infirm, I won't regret missing that awesome ski vacation, or more sleep, or shuttling the kids to a thousand activities. I WILL very much regret not growing our family. His take is that we have three beautiful, healthy, amazing children, and I should be happy with that. We should stop while we are ahead. I say, it's BECAUSE of these three beautiful, amazing, healthy children I want more! He asks why I would want to go backwards to sleepless nights, diapers, crying, and catering to a baby/toddler. I say the memories of those precious and crazy times are too beautiful to not live through again. Is it hard? Yes. Our children didn't sleep well for years, we were exhausted and it felt like it would never end. Being on the 'other side' of having an infant though, I can see just how quickly that time passes. Sadly, with my first two, I was so anxious about sleep and nursing and teething and illness and milestones and baby proofing to be still and ENJOY it all. With my third, I held on to those night nursing sessions for dear life. My 'baby' is five, just lost two little teeth, and I am feeling so bittersweet about it all. I am not ready at all for all of these 'last times' with her.

It's caused a lot of resentment between me and him, but I've pretty much dropped it. If he 'gave in' I'd always wonder if he would harbor resentment toward the child and I wouldn't want that for anything. And so I am left feeling very much like people are missing from our family. It's a very hard, raw place to be. I hope you both sort it out and both of you feel 100% on board with whatever decision you come to. I know how difficult it is to not be in agreement.

Edited January 18, 2016 by Gentlemommy

[ktgrok]

Gentlemommy, hugs. I'm so sorry. 

[mamiof5]

I'm more of the "God will provide", and " where we can feed 3 we can feed 4". My dh? Not so sure about it. Maybe you can try to explain that you are not done and would like to go through the entire process one last time? I think of you often, I know how it is to want one more little one and dh not being on board. I had to wait for number 5 for a long time! I tried everything, even writing a letter to Santa one Christmas :)

[mamiof5]

I wish I knew the right words to say...my dh sounds a bit like yours, hesitant to change or rock the boat, so to speak. I desperately, desperately want another baby. Or three. He does not. He is afraid it will be too overwhelming, we won't be able to do the things we (he) want to do. I say, *I* am the one pregnant, nursing, getting up in the middle of the night, full time parenting and homeschooling, dealing with the day to day stuff. He travels a lot for work and isn't home most of the time. He wants to take vacations and go skiing and a baby would make that sort of thing more difficult. When I have a hard day, or feel tired or overwhelmed, he takes it as I couldn't handle another. I've told him I've had bad or overwhelming moments since I became a mother, it just comes with the territory. The joy and love far outweighs those brief moments of chaos to me. But not for him. Like someone upthread stated, when I'm old and infirm, I won't regret missing that awesome ski vacation, or more sleep, or shuttling the kids to a thousand activities. I WILL very much regret not growing our family. His take is that we have three beautiful, healthy, amazing children, and I should be happy with that. We should stop while we are ahead. I say, it's BECAUSE of these three beautiful, amazing, healthy children I want more! He asks why I would want to go backwards to sleepless nights, diapers, crying, and catering to a baby/toddler. I say the memories of those precious and crazy times are too beautiful to not live through again. Is it hard? Yes. Our children didn't sleep well for years, we were exhausted and it felt like it would never end. Being on the 'other side' of having an infant though, I can see just how quickly that time passes. Sadly, with my first two, I was so anxious about sleep and nursing and teething and illness and milestones and baby proofing to be still and ENJOY it all. With my third, I held on to those night nursing sessions for dear life. My 'baby' is five, just lost two little teeth, and I am feeling so bittersweet about it all. I am not ready at all for all of these 'last times' with her.

It's caused a lot of resentment between me and him, but I've pretty much dropped it. If he 'gave in' I'd always wonder if he would harbor resentment toward the child and I wouldn't want that for anything. And so I am left feeling very much like people are missing from our family. It's a very hard, raw place to be. I hope you both sort it out and both of you feel 100% on board with whatever decision you come to. I know how difficult it is to not be in agreement.

I am so sorry! Don't give up. Pray about it. I knew about number 5 since the minute we had number 4. Dh said he was done and I turned around and said "no, there's one more". We were still at the hospital! Number 5 eventually came. Later than what I wanted, but he's here, and our family feels complete. Will pray for you!

[Bluegoat]

I only have three kids, but I babysit two others and they pretty much function as a unit.  One of the things I find most enjoyable about them as a group - both my group of three and the group of five - is their relationships with each other.  Of course not all kidsget along and that is true when they grow up as well.  But in general, I find the care and relationships and fun they have together is something that is really worthwhile for them.  The chance to get to know others, who are their peers, very intimatly, with all their warts and beauty as well.  And also to live in a group dynamic.  I think it's really good practice for later life. 

[Sarah CB]

Expose him to some cute babies?  We have our fourth because some baby cooed at dh on an airplane.  He came home and said we should try for a fourth.  I thought I was done at 3.  

[EMS83]

I wish I knew the right words to say...my dh sounds a bit like yours, hesitant to change or rock the boat, so to speak. I desperately, desperately want another baby. Or three. He does not. He is afraid it will be too overwhelming, we won't be able to do the things we (he) want to do. I say, *I* am the one pregnant, nursing, getting up in the middle of the night, full time parenting and homeschooling, dealing with the day to day stuff. He travels a lot for work and isn't home most of the time. He wants to take vacations and go skiing and a baby would make that sort of thing more difficult. When I have a hard day, or feel tired or overwhelmed, he takes it as I couldn't handle another. I've told him I've had bad or overwhelming moments since I became a mother, it just comes with the territory. The joy and love far outweighs those brief moments of chaos to me. But not for him. Like someone upthread stated, when I'm old and infirm, I won't regret missing that awesome ski vacation, or more sleep, or shuttling the kids to a thousand activities. I WILL very much regret not growing our family. His take is that we have three beautiful, healthy, amazing children, and I should be happy with that. We should stop while we are ahead. I say, it's BECAUSE of these three beautiful, amazing, healthy children I want more! He asks why I would want to go backwards to sleepless nights, diapers, crying, and catering to a baby/toddler. I say the memories of those precious and crazy times are too beautiful to not live through again. Is it hard? Yes. Our children didn't sleep well for years, we were exhausted and it felt like it would never end. Being on the 'other side' of having an infant though, I can see just how quickly that time passes. Sadly, with my first two, I was so anxious about sleep and nursing and teething and illness and milestones and baby proofing to be still and ENJOY it all. With my third, I held on to those night nursing sessions for dear life. My 'baby' is five, just lost two little teeth, and I am feeling so bittersweet about it all. I am not ready at all for all of these 'last times' with her.

It's caused a lot of resentment between me and him, but I've pretty much dropped it. If he 'gave in' I'd always wonder if he would harbor resentment toward the child and I wouldn't want that for anything. And so I am left feeling very much like people are missing from our family. It's a very hard, raw place to be. I hope you both sort it out and both of you feel 100% on board with whatever decision you come to. I know how difficult it is to not be in agreement.

 

I'm so, so sorry.  I didn't even fight to have those conversations with my DH; he said he was done and I called the urologist.  At 28.  I will never, never stop regretting it.  I think mine might have been persuaded, too.  I hope you guys can work it out; don't anyone do anything permanent!!!

 

OP, our family has: 235 sq.ft. per capita, and $680/month per capita.  Tell your husband that you're probably fine, and if not, well it's possible to be happy and healthy with fewer non-essentials and more DIY.  But that being said, my husband would like things to be better and providing it is where his concern lies.  I respect that.  But I still really, really regret my silence.

[ktgrok]

I am VERY happy we didn't do anything permanent. It was discussed shortly after the last one was born. That's how I ended up with the IUD. It was the compromise against him getting a vasectomy. But now he makes more money, he's on some medication that helps him sleep better and be less anxious about things, and our marriage is great. He's definitely changed his feelings on the matter, and I do think he'll come around. Although part of the possible deal is I don't ask for a 5th :) Given that I will be at least 40, possibly 41 when I have the 4th (if I have the 4th) I am okay with that compromise. 

[StephanieZ]

I think agreeing to stop and *be happy* with #4 might really help. The money stuff is real, and, depending on your family culture, the $ responsibilities can just get bigger and heavier as the kids hit teen and then college years. IME, it was easy to feed and take care of them when they were little, one more didn't add much more responsibility financially or practically . . . BUT, adding one more college/wedding/grad school to the pack, which will also extend the number of years of financing kid-stuff/college does indeed add substantially to the financial burden. Especially if your family (as mine has) largely defers financing our retirement until all the kid stuff is DONE, as kid/college/etc eats up such a huge portion of our discretionary spending that it makes it hard to finance retirement investments meanwhile . . .

 

As you are also approaching retirement ages by the time your kids hit college, that responsibility can weigh heavily on the family, and particularly on the bread winner if your family has just one (as mine does).

 

I'm sure your dh wants you to be happy, so emphasizing that one more will satisfy you and that you will be HAPPY at that point can really help. 

 

Good luck, and remember, you already have a beautiful family and a great marriage. Those are huge, huge wins. One more child would have been a delight to me, and I *know* we would have been OK and dh would have loved another child as he loves the three we have, but I *know* I am blessed by the three I have, and I *do* now really enjoy being able to focus more on my wonderful husband as our kids' needs are less immediate on an hourly basis. And, it is also nice to be able to see that we can afford to do what we need/want to do for the kids we have, and that the left-overs can be used to do fun things for our family as well as begin to get our own retirement needs met as well. If we had another kid or two in the pipeline, it'd be a LOT harder to imagine that someday dh will actually be able to retire. For many years, our retirement plan was to pretty much work until we dropped. If we'd had another couple kids, that'd still likely be our plan. Instead, we can now envision an actual retirement date. That is actually a really nice feeling, to be honest.

 

Also, given that I am post-40 and I have seen plenty of sad outcomes of pregnancies post-40 in friends, I remind myself that dh was protecting me as well as our family when he held firm to his 'no more'. When I've cried alongside friends who lost babies, I've been thankful for dh's decision that spared me that potential agony. 

 

Besides, now I still have plenty of baby-lust left to spoil our future grandchildren with and to enthusiastically support our kids (with any babysitting, help, enthusiastic encouragement) when they have those grand babies. . . 

 

That's all to say that go for it, and I hope you are successful in both convincing dh and in conceiving, but that if, for any reason, you aren't destined to have more babies, know that peace and fulfillment is there for you anyway. 

[Lanny]

IMO, "Because I want one" is not a valid reason.  Ranked by priority, I would say:

 

(1) Both parents would like to have another child and (2) Both parents are in excellent health and (3) The financial ability to feed/clothe/educate another child is there.

 

GL!
 

[strawberryjam]

The men can often be a sound of reason, cause they don't have the fluctuating hormones we do... it's not uncommon to wish for another at this stage in the game, but it could just be your changing hormones talking.