Help adjusting to working part-time (in a Church) and homeschooling

[speedmom4]

Hello Hive,

 

I know many of you have successfully combined working and homeschooling. I am very new to this and I'm stressed, excited, guilt-ridden, and inspired all at the same time! 

 

I started a job about three weeks ago that I dearly love. I am now the Middle School Faith Formation Coordinator at my parish. The job is requiring about 20 hours a week right now but will hopefully be down to 15 hours a week once I get everything organized and on track. I really love the work. I love the people I work with as well. I work at the actual Church around 11 hours a week and the rest can be done at home. The hours at the Church are in the afternoons and evenings so they don't interrupt homeschooling at all. I am enjoying the challenge of the actual work. Sometimes I feel the need to pinch myself because I can't believe I get paid to do what I love anyway!

 

The struggle is that I'm not used to having to divide my attention. I have been a SAHM and homeschooler for 20 years. My family has been my 100% focus. In recent years I have had free time to do things that I enjoy. Now I feel guilty when my focus is not on the family. I feel bad that my house isn't as clean as it was. To be honest I feel bad that I really like my job. I guess that sounds weird? 

 

The other issue is that we have a rather large parish and around 160 middle school students. I'm not going to make them all happy. So far I have gotten a lot of good, positive feedback, as had my supervisor. But last week I received three negative emails. One basically said that my program is too boring for his daughter. The other one said the program was too fun and silly for her son. The other woman's email basically told me that she has a lot of issues with the Church and if I require anything of her daughter she will bolt and it will be my fault. I know intellectually that two of the three emails were silly complaints but one had some legitimate issues. The problem is that I take things too personally. I felt so bad all day yesterday. My sweet husband has tried to warn me that I'm not going to make everyone happy. I know that in my head but my heart hurts when I can't do that. 

 

Also, I am now getting an inside view into the workings of the entire Church. Thankfully I have known many of the employees and worked with them as a volunteer for a while now. But seeing the other side of the parishioners has me a little discouraged.  I, personally, would never complain the way I've seen in the last few weeks. It's been shocking. 

 

Anyway, any advice about working and homeschooling would be appreciated. Also any advice about how to handle seeing the inner workings of a Church would be appreciated as well. 

 

:001_smile:

[Ethel Mertz]

RE the Inner Workings of a Parish: It's really hard. What you are seeing is typical and is a source of major stress for clergy. It really helps to have colleagues to share some of this stuff. Is there, by chance, a group for parish youth educators? Save any positive feedback you get in the form of emails or notes and re-read them to balance out the weight you give the nay-sayers. Also, remember that any email you write can be forwarded to others. When you get a negative email, do several things:

1. Save it and possibly forward it to your boss (for further advice because chances are, if you are getting complaints from an individual, that individual has also complained about other things and other people). Keep a paper trail.

 

2. Do not respond to that email with a counter-argument as it is better to keep those responses to an intra-personal dialogue. Do not say anything in an email that you wouldn't want forwarded to others. You can say something like, "Thank you so much for expressing your concerns." Or, "I am so sorry you feel ______." If appropriate, you can offer to have coffee with that person. Talk to your colleagues. I once put a cantankerous person who was against a church building project on that very committee. He turned out to be the best person on that committee. (Note: this won't always work. I got lucky.)

 

3. Keep good boundaries and remember this most likely isn't about you.

[TammyS]

RE the Inner Workings of a Parish: It's really hard. What you are seeing is typical and is a source of major stress for clergy. It really helps to have colleagues to share some of this stuff. Is there, by chance, a group for parish youth educators? Save any positive feedback you get in the form of emails or notes and re-read them to balance out the weight you give the nay-sayers. Also, remember that any email you write can be forwarded to others. When you get a negative email, do several things:

1. Save it and possibly forward it to your boss (for further advice because chances are, if you are getting complaints from an individual, that individual has also complained about other things and other people). Keep a paper trail.

 

2. Do not respond to that email with a counter-argument as it is better to keep those responses to an intra-personal dialogue. Do not say anything in an email that you wouldn't want forwarded to others. You can say something like, "Thank you so much for expressing your concerns." Or, "I am so sorry you feel ______." If appropriate, you can offer to have coffee with that person. Talk to your colleagues. I once put a cantankerous person who was against a church building project on that very committee. He turned out to be the best person on that committee. (Note: this won't always work. I got lucky.)

 

3. Keep good boundaries and remember this most likely isn't about you.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

Teaching religious ed is putting yourself on the cross.  You may as well get comfortable there.  And remember, there is NOTHING that you can do for your parish, your family, or your students, that is more effective than prayer.  I strongly recommend that you get a copy of "The Soul of the Apostolate" and read it, and then read it again.

 

Practically speaking, I agree with everything said above and would just add this: ALWAYS deflect attention away from yourself and back at the Church.   It's not your job to express your thoughts/opinions about anything.  It's your job to share what the Church teaches, ideally with specific references (CCC numbers, teaching documents, Bible verses, etc).

 

When people complain about the "style" of your classes, all you can do is shrug to yourself. Because the kids are all in different places, you simply cannot aim at everyone.  Honestly, stuff like that I wouldn't respond to at all, unless it asked a specific question.  You might even want to put out a comments box and let people put their unhappiness in there (then you can burn most of the comments later).

 

You shouldn't feel guilty for not giving your family all of yourself.  IMO, you shouldn't have done that in the first place.  You are a person, too, and deserve a life (even when you are home full time).  If you want to feel guilty about something, feel guilty about how old your children are, and that they aren't keeping the house clean while you are busy.  So, there. :001_tt2:

[Annie Elle]

I have always worked part time and homeschooled. It can be challenging but rewarding too. Though the kids have gotten busier as they have gotten older, they help out more. We work as a team. My kids know that my salary buys the cools things they get to do so they help quite a bit with the household work that needs to be done. There is no way I could work, teach, cook, get them to all their activities and keep up with the housework. I've tried to teach them that to live is to work. It is a fact of life and has to be done. Whining and complaining about it only hurts them and learning to be a productive person leads to satisfaction. School is part of that work.

 

Homeschooling is flexible and I am so thankful for that. We do school a lot on Saturdays. When I am working, each kid has a list of school that they must get done. They would have received instruction on how to do everything on the list on the day before. I sometimes use an older kid to give a spelling test or listen as a younger kid reads but don't do this very often. On my days off, I spend a lot of individual time with each kid, going over the work that was completed and new lessons. Because of my kids ages and abilities, none of them can be combined in any subjects. Also as the kids get older, I use more online classes but I am aware of the work they are doing in those classes. The kids do most of the housework so I focus on school when I am off.

[G5052]

It's always a juggling act to work and homeschool all at once. I've done it the whole way and have one graduate and one 11th grader. This year I'm working full-time, but thankfully it's mostly from home with some fixed and some flexible hours. My 11th grader is either works largely independently or outsourced, and we have a meeting every Friday to check her progress and look ahead to the next week. It works.

 

You have to constantly decide what is important because you can't do it all.  I keep a personal calendar and have a spreadsheet that we all share that has everyone's schedules. I have a commuting college student now, and we share a vehicle, so it's a little crazy at times. I save my hobbies and interests for quiet periods and the summer when my work hours are less. The reality is that the school year other than holidays is about my work and family. Everything else has to fit in or be put aside.

 

For example, I had to cut out volunteer work with regular requirements and go with things like that where I can choose my time. I can't teach Sunday School, but I can look at my calendar and plan to be the coffee hour hostess on a Sunday that works for me. This involves baking and organizing, and my teens help me.

 

My meals during the week are very simple. I cook more complicated fare on the weekend and usually make something for the freezer.

 

All along one of my criteria for curriculum was that it to be rigorous and mom-friendly. We used Tapestry of Grace for a year, and it was disaster. I couldn't keep ahead of it and organized. We went back to Sonlight and that worked much better for me. Scripted is good. As mine got older and wanted more outside interaction, we found ways to outsource, even using bartering in some cases. That took the load off me somewhat and has been very productive.

 

And in any job requiring human interaction, you have expect some criticism. Churches aren't at all exempt. I'm a professor and teacher, and I get some pretty ugly stuff. People will sometimes say things in email they'd never say in person. 

 

I agree with E.M. that sometimes you just want to acknowledge and drop it. You can't please everyone, nor should you. You can listen, but ultimately you're in charge, and you're answerable to your employer as well as the Lord. If I buckled every time a college student criticised me, I would create chaos in my courses and might lose my job if it involved academic integrity. Certainly I'll listen, but there's also a point where things aren't up for discussion.

 

And sometimes you just drop it. I was recently privy to a Facebook interaction that involved going over my head to my superiors in a situation I'm involved in where the person posting on Facebook really didn't have the big picture. I could have jumped in and publicly corrected them. Or I could have asked them not to go over my head again with everyone seeing that. I was pretty upset about it initially, but the situation is going to be decided next week as it is. My superiors and I are on the same page, and this person really doesn't have a say at all. So I decided to ignore it. It's buried now, and it's Facebook, after all. 

[speedmom4]

RE the Inner Workings of a Parish: It's really hard. What you are seeing is typical and is a source of major stress for clergy. It really helps to have colleagues to share some of this stuff. Is there, by chance, a group for parish youth educators? Save any positive feedback you get in the form of emails or notes and re-read them to balance out the weight you give the nay-sayers. Also, remember that any email you write can be forwarded to others. When you get a negative email, do several things:

1. Save it and possibly forward it to your boss (for further advice because chances are, if you are getting complaints from an individual, that individual has also complained about other things and other people). Keep a paper trail.

 

2. Do not respond to that email with a counter-argument as it is better to keep those responses to an intra-personal dialogue. Do not say anything in an email that you wouldn't want forwarded to others. You can say something like, "Thank you so much for expressing your concerns." Or, "I am so sorry you feel ______." If appropriate, you can offer to have coffee with that person. Talk to your colleagues. I once put a cantankerous person who was against a church building project on that very committee. He turned out to be the best person on that committee. (Note: this won't always work. I got lucky.)

 

3. Keep good boundaries and remember this most likely isn't about you.

 

Thank you so much for this advice!  It is extremely helpful. 

 

I have forwarded the three "negative" emails to my boss. She has reassured me that the people who complained are repeat offenders. That was helpful to hear. 

 

Also, I decided when I took the job that I would treat all communication as if my own priest would be reading them. That has eliminated many snarky comments running through my mind.  :lol:

 

Thank you!!

[speedmom4]

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

Teaching religious ed is putting yourself on the cross.  You may as well get comfortable there.  And remember, there is NOTHING that you can do for your parish, your family, or your students, that is more effective than prayer.  I strongly recommend that you get a copy of "The Soul of the Apostolate" and read it, and then read it again.

 

Practically speaking, I agree with everything said above and would just add this: ALWAYS deflect attention away from yourself and back at the Church.   It's not your job to express your thoughts/opinions about anything.  It's your job to share what the Church teaches, ideally with specific references (CCC numbers, teaching documents, Bible verses, etc).

 

When people complain about the "style" of your classes, all you can do is shrug to yourself. Because the kids are all in different places, you simply cannot aim at everyone.  Honestly, stuff like that I wouldn't respond to at all, unless it asked a specific question.  You might even want to put out a comments box and let people put their unhappiness in there (then you can burn most of the comments later).

 

You shouldn't feel guilty for not giving your family all of yourself.  IMO, you shouldn't have done that in the first place.  You are a person, too, and deserve a life (even when you are home full time).  If you want to feel guilty about something, feel guilty about how old your children are, and that they aren't keeping the house clean while you are busy.  So, there. :001_tt2:

 

Your advice about not expressing my own opinions about issues and just sharing the teachings of the Church is very helpful. 

 

Haha! My kids are going to have to help more and it will be good for them!

 

I'm going to look that book up  right now!  

 

Thank you so much!!

[FO4UR]

You will not last long if you take every complaint personally.  Assess.  Discuss with your boss.  Move forward together.  

 

I'm a PW, and it is unbelievable the way some people behave at church.  As a leader, you have to protect the ministry from people who truly don't have the best intentions while being open to people who do.  Google "Forced Exit in Ministry."  There is a dynamic present in probably every church, and it's vital for clergy to see it for what it is and refuse to feed that bear.  I say this b/c your first glimpse at that bear is likely to come from complaints.

 

 

Note:  When one says it's too silly and another says it's too serious, I say you must have struck a good balance.  

 

 

Also Note:  Whenever there is change, like new clergy, there are growing pains. Embrace it for what it is.  Maybe someone is grieving the loss of the former minister.  Maybe someone misses the influence and power they used to have before a minister filled the role.  Let the dust settle.

[Tsuga]

From a non-religious perspective, I would just like to say that every working parent who does not have another SAHP struggles with this. You are not alone and what you are doing is HARD. Please never feel that you are alone. I've worked my whole life and having kids was a trip. Every woman and man I know struggles in this area. I live in the Puget Sound area so dads are expected to be very involved, get up at night, support mom so she can pump, etc.

 

I just want to validate your concern. You are absolutely normal to struggle and it never really ends though you do get over the feeling that it's something you're doing wrong.

 

I think the church ladies have given you relevant advice about workload.

 

:grouphug:

 

Your community and your kids will benefit if you can find this balance and they see their mom as an example of applying her beliefs and education in the home and in the community.

[KungFuPanda]

Have you tried asking your husband how he juggles the guilt and logistics of not being 100% focused on the family? I'm not trying to be flippant. It just might help to take a step back and see that there are LOTS of people out there working who never even considered feeling bad about it. In fact, they feel pretty confident that they're doing a very good thing and that they've chosen excellent care for their children.

[G5052]

Have you tried asking your husband how he juggles the guilt and logistics of not being 100% focused on the family? I'm not trying to be flippant. It just might help to take a step back and see that there are LOTS of people out there working who never even considered feeling bad about it. In fact, they feel pretty confident that they're doing a very good thing and that they've chosen excellent care for their children.

 

I also found over the years that in some ways I'm more involved with my kids' lives than some SAHMs. Some SAHMs have so much going on that they are less focused on their children than the working moms. It's the old "quality time" principle. You can be very involved with your children if you make sure that you have focused time with them on an ongoing basis.

 

With my teens, my older one talks when we go to the gym. It's our one-on-one time when we discuss a wide range of issues. We feel connected then. With my younger one, it's driving to her music lessons and events. You have to find something where you are interacting regularly in a non-threatening manner. I'm less involved in their school now than before, especially with one in college, but we're still close.

[fairfarmhand]

I started working part time too in the last 4 years.

 

It has made me a more cheerful, pleasant mom because my attitude has improved. Our house is messier, but that's ok. My dh is ok with it, the kids are definitely ok with it. I'm not tickled pink about it, but it's livable. It's ok that your focus has gone from being 100% on the house/kids to other things too.

 

For me, I just had to figure out a good routine and stick to it.

 

BTW, the housecleaning is really the main thing that gets dropped.

 

I found that I could work, homeschool, relate well to my dh and kids, and cook good food all at once.

 

The house isn't spotless, but it's livable and that's ok.

[abba12]

The struggle is that I'm not used to having to divide my attention. I have been a SAHM and homeschooler for 20 years. My family has been my 100% focus. In recent years I have had free time to do things that I enjoy. Now I feel guilty when my focus is not on the family. I feel bad that my house isn't as clean as it was. To be honest I feel bad that I really like my job. I guess that sounds weird? 

 

As a teenager I began to notice two different groups of mothers. The 'Name's' and the 'Childsnames's Mom's. The mothers who had an identity outside of motherhood, and those who's identity was their children and their family. From the time I birthed my first child, I resolved that I wanted to be in the former group, not the latter. 

 

That distinction isn't about employment or anything, I'm not talking about feminism and 'you can have it all', I ended up working quite by accident, and not entirely by choice, after imagining my life as a SAHM quite happily. The distinction is about who you are and where you find your identity. Do you prioritize your desires, at least occasionally. Do you have interests and hobbies outside of your family. Do you have friends outside of your kids friends mothers, things like that. I wanted to ensure I kept an identity of my own, and I prioritized those things, because I also wanted my children to see that I didn't stop being a person with wants and desires when I became a parent.

 

I bring all this up, because you say you feel guilty for enjoying your work. You feel guilty for not having 100% focus on your family. There's a strong societal pressure that, unless you're a fulltime working mum, you should have 100% attention on your family and sacrifice all for your kids. You should be 'childsnames mum'.  But I think that's wrong. I think it's great your children, especially now they're older, see their mother out in the world doing something she genuinely loves to do. I think it's great that they have an example of their mother taking time for herself and being important as a person in her own right. I think it's important for you, especially as they get older, to find things to fill the quickly-lengthening periods of free time you'll get as they begin to leave the nest. Whether it's working a job you love, or taking time out to just work on a hobby you love, or asking the kids to pick up the house while you have a nice relaxing bath once in awhile, having your children see you as more than just mum sometimes is a good thing, imo. 

 

To the practical aspect, maybe it's time the kids pick up a little slack and pitch in? Maybe your husband can step in a bit more? The house should not solely fall to you, it's a joint effort for a joint living environment. Why should you be the only one feeling guilty about a messy house if no one else is doing it either, cleaning isn't an inherent part of motherhood. 

 

Don't feel guilty for living your own life, alongside your family. It sounds like there is nothing detrimental here, the kids are fine, it's not like you're trying to juggle working and toddlers and little ones and homeschooling and things are getting left out or ignored because of it. You're just doing something for yourself, and there's nothing wrong with that. You're still a person with desires and dreams too. 

[Tsuga]

As a teenager I began to notice two different groups of mothers. The 'Name's' and the 'Childsnames's Mom's. The mothers who had an identity outside of motherhood, and those who's identity was their children and their family. From the time I birthed my first child, I resolved that I wanted to be in the former group, not the latter.

 

That distinction isn't about employment or anything, I'm not talking about feminism and 'you can have it all', I ended up working quite by accident, and not entirely by choice, after imagining my life as a SAHM quite happily. The distinction is about who you are and where you find your identity. Do you prioritize your desires, at least occasionally. Do you have interests and hobbies outside of your family. Do you have friends outside of your kids friends mothers, things like that. I wanted to ensure I kept an identity of my own, and I prioritized those things, because I also wanted my children to see that I didn't stop being a person with wants and desires when I became a parent.

 

I bring all this up, because you say you feel guilty for enjoying your work. You feel guilty for not having 100% focus on your family. There's a strong societal pressure that, unless you're a fulltime working mum, you should have 100% attention on your family and sacrifice all for your kids. You should be 'childsnames mum'. But I think that's wrong. I think it's great your children, especially now they're older, see their mother out in the world doing something she genuinely loves to do. I think it's great that they have an example of their mother taking time for herself and being important as a person in her own right. I think it's important for you, especially as they get older, to find things to fill the quickly-lengthening periods of free time you'll get as they begin to leave the nest. Whether it's working a job you love, or taking time out to just work on a hobby you love, or asking the kids to pick up the house while you have a nice relaxing bath once in awhile, having your children see you as more than just mum sometimes is a good thing, imo.

 

To the practical aspect, maybe it's time the kids pick up a little slack and pitch in? Maybe your husband can step in a bit more? The house should not solely fall to you, it's a joint effort for a joint living environment. Why should you be the only one feeling guilty about a messy house if no one else is doing it either, cleaning isn't an inherent part of motherhood.

 

Don't feel guilty for living your own life, alongside your family. It sounds like there is nothing detrimental here, the kids are fine, it's not like you're trying to juggle working and toddlers and little ones and homeschooling and things are getting left out or ignored because of it. You're just doing something for yourself, and there's nothing wrong with that. You're still a person with desires and dreams too.

Amen!