What would you do? Separation anxiety

[KBadd]

I need some advice. I'm turning to everyone I know and thought I'd ask all of you!

 

Our situation: We moved from Southern CA to Charlotte, NC 3 years ago and love it. My husband works for the same CA company but now works from home. He also travels to CA for 5 days about once a month, but sometimes trips are close together, sometimes spread further apart. We have 3 boys, ages 6, 4, and 2. We are Christians and we homeschool. Daddy is very involved with the boys when he's home - he has lunch with us, plays with them before and after dinner, and puts the older ones to bed.

 

Problem: When he travels, my 6 yo freaks out. It's like someone flips a switch and he becomes a different boy. He becomes aggressive and easily angered, everything "ruins his day", makes angry faces, mean words to me, disobedience and disrespectful, and upset with his brothers all the time. He's not very happy and complains about everything. He yells at me and his or bites his brothers. This is NOT normal for him! He remains this way for the duration of dad's trips and for about a week after. Then he returns to normal and things are fine... Until the next trip.

 

I've tried staying with my parents. I've tried staying home and keeping things as consistent with our normal routine as I can. I've tried adding in some fun things to distract us and make the week more enjoyable. We've been consistent but understanding and loving in our discipline. I've taught him what is acceptable and what is not and some ways to manage his anger. And he knows all this and does it when dh is home.

 

He started VBS this week - the first time he's been dropped off anywhere without us - and he's been acting the way he does when dad travels! He also wet his pants yesterday, which could have just been distraction/carelessness (and he's not used to this setting), or could be related to being separated from us. I've noticed he sometimes has accidents when dh is gone.

 

His stress is making me stressed. It's very hard. I want what's best for him and for our family. I just don't know what to do! I don't know if his behavior indicates we need to make a major change. So... What would you do? Stay and work through it? Move to AZ or somewhere cheaper in CA so dh's trips could be much shorter but a bit more frequent and consistent? Move to where dh works, even though it's expensive, so he doesn't have to travel at all?

 

Thank you, thank you, for reading this and for your advice.

[KBadd]

Sorry I double posted this and I don't know how to delete it.

[Chris in VA]

I'm sorry your family is going thru such a hard time.

 

It sounds like anxiety to me. That can manifest as anger/irritability in young children (in anyone, actually).

Does he have trouble with "changing sets?" Transitions? Other types of changes? It might be related to Executive Function.

 

Because you've tried several strategies and seen no improvement, I'd probably talk to a professional to see what can be done to help.

[Scarlett]

I would work very hard toward a solution where your dh is home almost every  night.  

 

(((Hugs)))))

[bettyandbob]

Does your ds do any activities besides things at home and things done with the whole family involved. I don't know anything about this stuff, but he doesn't perceive how members of the family can operate separately.

[bettyandbob]

As Chris said, it does sound like anxiety. There may be other things coming to play. I don't know that I would move again until I tried a few other things, because if the problem is anxiety, it will manifest again.

[KBadd]

We do CBS and another homeschool class during the week each school year, and he's fine. But he knows I'm at the church, with the other moms. And he does say he loves VBS this week. He's not asking to stay home. He runs straight into his classroom and afterwards says he "loves it". But he has mentioned that he's "a little worried" because I drop him off and leave the church.

[Innisfree]

Nm

Edited May 15, 2019 by Innisfree

[VeteranMom]

Have you asked your ds to talk to you about what is going on?  What are his feelings?  If you know what he's feeling about the travel, you and your dh can establish a plan (with your ds) on how to alleviate the problem.  It sounds like your ds is anxious.  Does he need more face time with his Dad through skype?  Would it help if your dh and ds establish some expectations prior to the trip?  Do you mark the calendar with the number of days Dad is gone and when he'll return?  That would be something concrete to look at.  Do I think you should move?  No, definitely not.      

My dh traveled a lot when my kids were your ds's age.  My kids were in the habit of writing Dad a note the night before dh left town and leaving it on his pillow.  Dh would write them back and leave the reply for them- answering all their questions and telling them to be good and help mom while he was gone. Travel for work can be hard on a family, but it doesn't sound like your dh's travel is excessive.  Your ds should be able to learn to be more resilient.  He could just be at a stage where he wants more time with your dh and the travel makes it hard to be without him.       

[Tsuga]

My understanding is that this is particularly common among children of the same sex during deployments as well.

 

You may find it interesting to look through some deployment issues. Children with no other diagnosis will have anxiety during a prolonged absence of a parent. That is common. There are many ways for them to learn to cope. 

 

http://www.military.com/deployment/children-coping-with-deployment.html

 

http://www.uso.org/About-Us/The-Organization/USO-Military-Family-Programs.aspx

 

http://www.dodlive.mil/index.php/2015/04/help-military-kids-cope-with-deployment-relocation/

 

I am posting these so that you can see there is extensive research that suggests that a certain proportion of otherwise healthy kids will have a very hard time with separation and that is okay (though hard for the family). I don't think that there's a reason to seek a diagnosis for a child who is just upset by his dad leaving. To me that seems like a perfectly normal reaction though it is hard for your family.

 

As for your thoughts..

 

"Move to AZ or somewhere cheaper in CA so dh's trips could be much shorter but a bit more frequent and consistent? Move to where dh works, even though it's expensive, so he doesn't have to travel at all?"

 

Well... we live somewhere expensive so that the kids can see grandparents every month at least and so that we maintain a high quality of life. For us, that is worth it. He has also refused higher-paying jobs with an every-other-week commute in a higher COL area, because we choose to prioritize family. It's hard because we grew up here and it wasn't fancy at that time. I completely feel your pain.

 

For us, renting a cheap place in a decent neighborhood (we don't own right now), driving cheap cars, trying to save, and waiting for the right piece of land to come up to eventually buy is how we manage to raise four kids in a high COL area for the sake of family connections. It's not possible for everyone--we managed to rent at about 45% of the market rate. We are very lucky.

[Innisfree]

Nm

Edited May 15, 2019 by Innisfree

[Sarah CB]

I wouldn't make any changes to your dh's employment.  Honestly, it sounds like he's got an amazing job that allows him to spend a ton of time with his kids.  Not many families get to have lunch and dinner together every day.  The 5 days away once a month is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.  

 

I think you're doing all the right things.  You've discussed it.  You have given your ds clear expectations for behavior and you've helped him figure out some ways to cope.  Just keep repeating all of that.  He will not behave like this forever.  He will eventually learn to cope with the separation and he will see that Dad comes back each time.  

 

If you haven't done this already, maybe mark a calendar with your dh's trip on it so he can see his dad leaves and will be back.  Arrange to have Skype calls before bed whenever possible.  

[Butter]

My daughter was exactly like that when my husband traveled when she was around that age.  He was gone as much as 3 weeks of the month.  We talked about it and she knew she wasn't being reasonable when he was gone but she couldn't help it.  Over time she got used to him being gone and her behavior when he was out of town got better and better.  Now that we moved (we did move to where he was traveling to, but we only moved because we wanted to live in Texas anyway) he only has to travel every couple months for a week or so.  It's no longer an issue for any of the kids.

[mmasc]

(((Hugs)))

I know this is so hard on you. My DH is military, and we have three sons. I understand how hard this is, and how much your babies LOVE Daddy being home, and how much it hurts when he leaves again.

I think 6 is a particularly susceptible age for this. I saw it in my oldest (now 10) when DH was deployed, and we're working through anxiety/separation with my now 7 year old. I would recommend that you talk to your pediatrician and get a recommendation for a therapist who works with children. It sounds like anxiety, and a therapist can really help your DS with coping skills AND give you the tools to help him. That would be my first step. Some children (and adults) are just more prone to anxiety. But that's ok...they CAN get help, and get better at handling anxiety-inducing situations. The sooner he gets some help with coping, the better IMHO.

Hang in there...you'll get him through this.

[lmrich]

I agree with others to talk to your pediatrician. Hopefully it is just a phase, but if not, and therapy is recommended I think learning to cope with anxiety is a good skill for everyone to practice. Good luck!