teen iPod usage protocol question

[Nicole M]

I wonder if you could help me come up with a kind and diplomatic way to approach this issue that's been troubling me.

 

I have a dear friend, a single mom, who has two daughters almost the same ages as my boys. Her girls are 14 (almost 15) and 12. We often have meals together on the weekends. The last time we got together, it was at a restaurant, where the oldest sat next to me and wore her iPod during the entire meal. I was so flabbergasted, that I didn't say anything directly, though every once in a while I would make an outrageous statement and whip my head around and say, "Did you hear that?" and she would smile and nod, or not. It seems unbelievably rude to me to disengage from one's surroundings in this way.

 

So, okay, what the kid does at a restaurant is none of my business. She's not my child. But in my house, it seems like I would have every right to ask that everyone at the dinner table remove their devices, no? My children wouldn't last a half second at the table with an iPod on. But with someone else's kid in your home, is that an unreasonable request? My instinct is that it is not, and I thought I would check it out with you all first. If I'm missing something, I figured you'd tell me.

 

The girls are all coming for dinner tonight, and since the restaurant incident, I have not seen the girl once without her iPod on. Not once. I was thinking that if she did have it on, I would not make it a big deal, but simply request that during dinner she remove it.

 

I don't want to die in advance or anything, since they're not even here yet. But I feel that everyone at the table should participate in the camaraderie and community, and meals are special times for us.

 

Do you all have rules about iPods? What's "standard" in this case?

 

[ETA: I only mentioned that the mom is single because I think I meant to make the point that she's surviving day to day and a bit overwhelmed by parenting teens. I don't want to add to her stress by saying, Jeez, your kid is so stinkin' rude, kwim? So I want it just to be about my house, my rules.]

[In The Great White North]

I think it is incredibly rude to have earbuds in while talking, eating, or riding in the car with someone who has a reasonable expectation of undivided attention, like a parent or guest. Dc may not wear them in those circumstances.

 

IPods are great for working in your room, walking the dog, jogging on a treadmill, etc.

 

I do not like them for jogging (on roads) because the runner is less aware of surrounding traffic.

 

PS. I tell my GS troop to leave them at home and no one has complained yet.

[Melinda in VT]

Two thoughts.

 

First, I think it's completely appropriate to just give a friendly smile and say, "We have a no headphones at the table rule."

 

However, it occurs to me that perhaps this daughter is not thrilled (or was but no longer is thrilled) with getting together with your family. (Not trying to say there is anything wrong with your family, but sometimes teenagers just get like that.) Maybe her mom has agreed to let her use her iPod as a compromise.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that yes, I think the daughter's behavior is rude. But if you value spending time with your friend and you think making the daughter take off her iPod will cause stress or make your time with your friend less frequent, you might want to overlook it.

 

Sorry if this is disjointed. Tough toddler day here.

[Ailaena]

So, okay, what the kid does at a restaurant is none of my business. She's not my child. But in my house, it seems like I would have every right to ask that everyone at the dinner table remove their devices, no? My children wouldn't last a half second at the table with an iPod on. But with someone else's kid in your home, is that an unreasonable request? My instinct is that it is not, and I thought I would check it out with you all first. If I'm missing something, I figured you'd tell me.

 

The girls are all coming for dinner tonight, and since the restaurant incident, I have not seen the girl once without her iPod on. Not once. I was thinking that if she did have it on, I would not make it a big deal, but simply request that during dinner she remove it.

 

Do you all have rules about iPods? What's "standard" in this case?

 

 

 

 

Please remember that you have every right to dictate the rules of your house. If you see her with it on at the table, just politely ask her to remove it while she is there. There is virtually no way she will say no.

 

It is a very large issue with me when I see kids using iPods everywhere, and then I have to remind myself that it is not the child, but the parent who is letting it happen. I suppose it's a pick your battle kind of thing, but still...

 

We used eat dinner at my BIL's house nearly every week, and my niece was apparently used to wearing her iPod everywhere. Even in their own house, I asked her to join us, and she had no problem with it. There is no way that kids do not know it's rude, and will probably be more than happy to engage in conversation. Even if you think they will be surly at first, teenagers are not really as scary as they try to portray themselves:lol:

 

DD has a video iPod and we only use it on the airplane, or when waiting for each other at the dentist, or whatever. She doesn't care that much about using it every second of the day like everyone else.

[Chelle in MO]

I think it's perfectly fine to ask her not to use it at your table. It may be that the mom doesn't like the daughter wearing it while eating with others, but it's a battle she doesn't want to choose. She may be just fine with you taking that position at your house.

 

Have a fun evening!

 

Chelle

[TraceyS/FL]

I know exactly what you are feeling....

 

I like the "no headphones at the table rule".

 

I still get irked about the non-HS friend that thought it was totally appropriate for her kids to wear theirs at a historical site tour... and various other places. Apparently we have differing views on rudeness.

[E_Edgerton]

I think a "no ipod at the table" policy is perfectly acceptable. I love mine, but at dinner, it has no place. Good luck!:)

[ravengal]

I find this rude, also. However, this is a matter for discussion between you and the mother at some other time.

[Doran]

I wonder if you could help me come up with a kind and diplomatic way to approach this issue that's been troubling me.

 

 

 

A friend of mine and I, each of us with our two sets of two girls (ages at the time 15, 13, 12, and 11) went to lunch at a sit-down Chinese restaurant together. My dd had only recently acquired a cell phone and was excitedly looking at the various features at the table. The instrument was so new to us, that I had not firmly established rules about them in my head. After all, she wasn't talking on the phone, but she was pushing buttons and, I think, futzing with the camera feature. Upon seeing my daughter with her phone out, my friend piped up, "I'm sorry, but we have a 'no phones at the table rule'. I wonder if you'd mind putting that away?" Now, she knows me and my kids well, and I suppose she knew that we were not the sort to create a scene over her comment. In fact, I was mildly relieved, and also a tad convicted. Even though I was right there, she phrased her remark in such a way that it felt like we were being disrespectful not to her but to her KIDS. That was the end of that.

 

Out of respect for you, and your kids, she needs to abide by the rules of your family. If you want to help her save face, you might take the girl aside BEFORE she gets to the table and explain your rule. That way, she doesn't have to be put on the spot in front of everyone.

[lovemyboys]

I know exactly what you are feeling....

 

I like the "no headphones at the table rule".

 

I still get irked about the non-HS friend that thought it was totally appropriate for her kids to wear theirs at a historical site tour... and various other places. Apparently we have differing views on rudeness.

 

 

Last week I heard a very faint sound behind me, so I casually turned around to look

 

 

 

 

at a 3rd grader wearing her ipod earbud

 

 

 

 

 

in church

 

 

 

 

during the service. :001_huh:

 

That for me, was over the top. I like this family, but I don't think I'd say something unless I knew them better.

 

But I do agree with others here that it should be fine to speak up in your own house!

[Jenny in Atl]

I would tell her no headphones at dinner... we like to talk to each other, find out what's going on. So sad that we are becoming more and more isolated from each other, and I guess from our families as well.

[WTMindy]

I would definitely say something, and I actually would say it in front of the mom so she can see that it is OK to set these kinds of rules.

[Nicole M]

Thanks, everyone. Mindy, I think you're on to something. This mom feels so much guilt about working and general "stuff" that sometimes she doesn't realize that it's okay to say no about some things. She tends to let the girls walk all over her. On the other hand, I don't want to humiliate anyone, mom or daughter, so I want it to be no big deal. Doran, it's good of you to think about saving face.

 

And to the poster who suggested that the iPod might be a compromise for coming over, I think that if this girl really didn't want to come over, her mom would let her stay home. I hadn't thought of that, but you could also be on to something.

 

I am so relieved that I can air this with you gals. Thank you.

[Mrs Mungo]

For me it depends upon the situation. For example, we frequently go out to dinner with other families from dh's work. They aren't necessarily people we know *well* and they have never (thus far) had kids as old as my kids. We were out to dinner a while ago with a couple who has a 18 month old and a couple with no kids. My eldest was seated at the end of the table with all of the kids and the adults were on the other end of the table. Dinner lasted forever with lots of chatting, etc. I let her get away with using her mp3 player in *that* specific situation. I wouldn't do so if we were out with her peers or one other family. I think saying "sorry, we don't allow headphones at the table" is just fine in your home.

[bumbledeb]

Using an iPod during a social gathering is rude, no doubt about that.

 

However, I would consider myself to be overstepping the bounds of good manners to point out another person's rude behaviour, especially in front of others.

 

It is the parent's responsibility to inform her children as to what is and is not socially acceptable.