Tween girl friendship issue

[planner]

My 10 year old daughter has a friend who has done a few questionable things.  For example, friend sent dd what appeared to be a group email which read, "Are any of you guys available today?  Besides dd."  Friend did know that dd could not get together that day and it really hurt dd's feelings that she would send her this email.  It turns out it was not a group email but was only sent to dd.  

 

Dd called friend about it and asked her why she would send that email, that it was rude, and hurt her feelings.  Friend told dd she did it to get even with dd because dd told friend that she was bossy and didn't apologize for saying that.  This is the type of behavior going on.

 

Friend's mom called me today to tell me that her daughter had called from school asking to be picked up because she couldn't stand being at school and never wanted to hang out with people from school ever again.  Turns out my dd is at least part of the reason why.  Dd made rude comments about friend's acne and her sport team's loss.  Her comments were not nice.  I'm not cool with that and definitely will be having a discussion with dd.

 

Friend's mom went to the school, talked with a staff member who will be having a conversation today with dd, friend, and one other girl.  According to friend's mom, friend feels like dd and the other girl are whispering about friend.

 

Friend's mom wants dd and Friend to get together one on one so that they can work through their differences.  I agreed to let her go over to friend's house this weekend because I feel like the girls do actually like each other and need to learn how to resolve their differences in a respectful way.  

 

I had a friend confront me last fall about the deterioration of our daughters' friendship who asked to get together with the two girls to work things out.  Her daughter was being a bully to my daughter but I kept it to myself because I didn't feel my friend would take any positive action if I shared her daughter's behavior. I told that her I would not get together, that I thought the girls should resolve any differences on their own or quit being good friends because dd was in tears multiple times from the girl's behavior, dd told me she no longer wanted to be friends, and dd had discussed bullying issues with her several times without any change.  My friend told me that her daughter was having issues with other people as well so I dismissed the problem as belonging mostly to the other girl and did not worry about the friendship.  A mutual friend told me that her daughter was very uncomfortable with the way my dd was being treated and that reaffirmed my decision.  The girls see each other once a week and are now polite to each other but do not hang out.  They are now drama free so I'm good with it.  

 

I always tell my daughter that we don't have to hang out with everyone but we do have to be polite.  If the reports of today are true, dd is not being polite.  Guidance and correction will be given.

 

I guess I'm feeling conflicted because I agreed to work it out with one parent and refused to work it out with my friend.  I think it's because dd was crying almost every time she had to see the other girl but Friend doesn't have that effect of her.

 

Part of me is wondering if my daughter is really the mean girl.

 

Do 10 year olds really need their moms to play relationship referee? Should they be working out their friendships on their own?

[Reefgazer]

Tis is when you counsel DD to walk away run away from people who are rude and unkind to her.  Really, there is no benefit to remaining "friends" with someone who routinely acts like this.  A one time event is excusable, but repeated behavior like that is not.  People like that will always bring you down.  I had to do this with DD in second grade; there was a little queen bee in her class that thought her shit didn't stink and she could treat others poorly.  I explained to DD that there is no fixing people like this and the best recourse is to not associate with them.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes, ten year olds do need their mother to play referee sometimes.  Especially if it results in a child being picked up from school.  

[MomatHWTK]

Well... If I'm understanding the sequence of events correctly,  you agreed to a meeting when it was your DD who was crying thus it seems a little unjust to me that you wouldn't agree to a meeting when you suspect your DD is the one causing the crying. 

 

Because of the e-mail incident you described, I would start wondering if my dd was playing me- bringing up offenses against her but not relating her own role accurately.  :( 

 

Regardless, she's young and she is picking up social techniques from those around her. At this point it might be better to have concernced moms at least witness them working it out so it doesn't turn into something worse. 

[Farrar]

It sounds to me like they're being mean girls to each other. Like they're all being terrible - though "terrible" in a way that's pretty typical for this age, honestly.

 

If that was my kid, I would be on the lookout for more rude, unkind behavior in the future. And I'd be less likely to trust her perception of being the victim or the like. I mean, you have the signs that she's not miss innocent and has definitely engaged in some nasty behavior. I know you're going to talk to her, but I would also be on the lookout that she doesn't do that stuff again.

 

I think a lot of these meetings to "hash things out" are a bad idea, especially if moms who are trying to stick up for their own kids are the ones involved. I've seen parents be bigger bullies than their kids on many occasions or just not be able to fairly mediate. I also think that trying to force a friendship is a sure way to increase drama and mean girl behavior. Letting kids step back is a better call. So I think even if your dd was the one being mean (sounds like it went both ways) then I think not getting together for a big work our your differences deal was probably a good call.

[Danestress]

I agree ten year old girls may need help working things out.

 

I also agree that it is fine for your daughter to choose not to be friends with someone - especially if they are not nice.

 

I would focus, though, on the concept that you can not let your own behavior be emotionally reactive to someone else's. I tell my kids that they can not give other people the power to make them sin, but there are less religious ways to get that concept across. Your daughter's ugliness about acne or sports failure (if it's true she said those things) were mean and inexcuseable. It is good to stick up for yourself, but it is never good to be cruel, even in response to bossiness or unkindness. Would her father, in a moment of frustration or anger over your actual faults, ever be justified in tellng you that you are fat or stupid? I know your daughter was just upset or felt provoked, but I would come down on that like a ton of bricks. And I would rehearse other ways to handle anger or deal with insults and provocation. Give her specific better responses.

 

In this situation (as reported by the other Mom) your daughter was being a "mean girl," though perhaps the other girl was as well. This doesn't define who she is as a person. It was just a bad, immature response and she can choose not to be this way and maybe coaching from you will help. I absolutely think parents have a role to play here. Relationships are powerful and complex. I don't expect ten year olds to never need guidance and wisdom with them.

[Anne in CA]

 It is so hard to know what is really going on. Your dd may have said mean things, however it is equally possible that the other girl said mean things first and is unhappy that some got said back. I can still remember a girl who was like that in elementary school. She said such horrible things and then ran to tell on anyone who said anything back. Her father was the vice principal and she NEVER got in trouble for anything she said, but she got other people in a lot of trouble for her nastiness. She straightened up a lot when some poor girl hauled off and punched her in the gut after something awful she said and when everyone ran to comfort the girl who punched her she figured out that everyone was out of sympathy. Without being there it is very hard to know what has really been said/ done. 

 

I would be sure to let my dd know that you do not support mean comments, and that the best way to handle them is to firmly tell the other person their words and not cool and then leave. My youngest dd and her very best friend had some of these frienemy issues at this age and worked past it to become great friends in junior high and beyond. But, both her family and our family are very strict about treating others well, and so they were not able to come home and build more drama. They had to deal with the drama they caused as it came up.

 

BTW, in junior high I never allowed them access to any phones when they spent the night. I knew they had the capacity to make trouble with other girls and I never allowed it. When I went to bed I took our land line phone with me and both of their cell phones and the other girl's mom knew that, knew why and did the same thing at her house. 

[planner]

Well... If I'm understanding the sequence of events correctly, you agreed to a meeting when it was your DD who was crying thus it seems a little unjust to me that you wouldn't agree to a meeting when you suspect your DD is the one causing the crying.

 

Because of the e-mail incident you described, I would start wondering if my dd was playing me- bringing up offenses against her but not relating her own role accurately. :(

 

Regardless, she's young and she is picking up social techniques from those around her. At this point it might be better to have concernced moms at least witness them working it out so it doesn't turn into something worse.

I actually refused the meeting when it was my dd who was crying and have agreed to get together with this current situation.

[NorthwestMom]

My 10 year old daughter has a friend who has done a few questionable things.  For example, friend sent dd what appeared to be a group email which read, "Are any of you guys available today?  Besides dd."  Friend did know that dd could not get together that day and it really hurt dd's feelings that she would send her this email.  It turns out it was not a group email but was only sent to dd.  

 

Dd called friend about it and asked her why she would send that email, that it was rude, and hurt her feelings.  Friend told dd she did it to get even with dd because dd told friend that she was bossy and didn't apologize for saying that.  This is the type of behavior going on.

 

Friend's mom called me today to tell me that her daughter had called from school asking to be picked up because she couldn't stand being at school and never wanted to hang out with people from school ever again.  Turns out my dd is at least part of the reason why.  Dd made rude comments about friend's acne and her sport team's loss.  Her comments were not nice.  I'm not cool with that and definitely will be having a discussion with dd.

 

Friend's mom went to the school, talked with a staff member who will be having a conversation today with dd, friend, and one other girl.  According to friend's mom, friend feels like dd and the other girl are whispering about friend.

 

Friend's mom wants dd and Friend to get together one on one so that they can work through their differences.  I agreed to let her go over to friend's house this weekend because I feel like the girls do actually like each other and need to learn how to resolve their differences in a respectful way.  

 

I had a friend confront me last fall about the deterioration of our daughters' friendship who asked to get together with the two girls to work things out.  Her daughter was being a bully to my daughter but I kept it to myself because I didn't feel my friend would take any positive action if I shared her daughter's behavior. I told that her I would not get together, that I thought the girls should resolve any differences on their own or quit being good friends because dd was in tears multiple times from the girl's behavior, dd told me she no longer wanted to be friends, and dd had discussed bullying issues with her several times without any change.  My friend told me that her daughter was having issues with other people as well so I dismissed the problem as belonging mostly to the other girl and did not worry about the friendship.  A mutual friend told me that her daughter was very uncomfortable with the way my dd was being treated and that reaffirmed my decision.  The girls see each other once a week and are now polite to each other but do not hang out.  They are now drama free so I'm good with it.  

 

I always tell my daughter that we don't have to hang out with everyone but we do have to be polite.  If the reports of today are true, dd is not being polite.  Guidance and correction will be given.

 

I guess I'm feeling conflicted because I agreed to work it out with one parent and refused to work it out with my friend.  I think it's because dd was crying almost every time she had to see the other girl but Friend doesn't have that effect of her.

 

Part of me is wondering if my daughter is really the mean girl.

 

Do 10 year olds really need their moms to play relationship referee? Yes. Sometimes social skills need to be taught directly. Should they be working out their friendships on their own? No, because clearly that's not working.

I have a DD9 in public school, and the school counselor runs friendship lessons continuously throughout the year and helps kids work out their friendship problems with each other when needed. Kids this age need a lot of help since they don't always have the ability to see the others' side of the relationship. Good luck!

[catz]

I have a DD9 in public school, and the school counselor runs friendship lessons continuously throughout the year and helps kids work out their friendship problems with each other when needed. Kids this age need a lot of help since they don't always have the ability to see the others' side of the relationship. Good luck!

 

I have a 10.5 year old dd too.  I just had a conversation about this with her recently because she was putting up with some mean girl crap at her dance studio (I might start a thread on that one of these days.  That isn't our only issue there).  I think girls in this age range can just start to get hormonal and self absorbed and are not really thinking clearly about everything and everyone around them when they're lashing out.  The girls that are suddenly being mean to my dd were all close in size to each other a year ago.  They're all still pretty close in height, but these other 2 girls must have 20 lbs on my dd now and are 4-8 months older than her.  And honestly, I think her "besties" there were all kind of cliquey before (including my dd) and I suspect some of the other girls probably felt left out.  I know my dd wasn't intentionally leaving kids out, but they get in their bubble.

 

This age seems so hard for girls.  My 14 year old son was a breeze through this age, and he isn't even too bad now.  A little smart alec-y, but that seems to be in genetics on both sides, so it wasn't to be helped.  ;)