marbel Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 :iagree: I was speaking generally, and I absolutely agree with you that the father needs to be more sensitive to his kids' needs, instead of just setting rules and forcing everyone to follow them. I found it particularly annoying that the dad thinks it's fine to cancel a visit if he is feeling tired, but apparently the kids are permitted no such excuses. Yep. That is the sort of inconsistency that gets to a lot of teens, or mine anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loowit Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I was forced to go to my grandparent's house every Sunday afternoon. It was my Dad's family culture. I hated it. My mom hated it, but felt like she had to go. It led to a lot of resentment from me and my mom toward my dad. I am not close to my grandmother even now. I love her, but I don't want to spend time with her. When I was a kid it was so stressful to be there that I often ended up with headaches. They weren't bad people, but I hated crowds and it was my dad's siblings, their kids, and my grandparents, which is a lot of people and a lot of noise. I really hate the argument that they will only be around for a little while. This was said to me and my mom so many times over the years to guilt us into going to events that we hated. It never brought about warm fuzzy feelings for those family members, mostly resentment. My mom still lets guilt induced arguments to get her to visit people she would rather not or go to events she doesn't want to attend. She hates it and it hasn't brought about closeness by any means. I have learned that I can say no to a family invite and not have to feel guilty about it. I would not force my children to go visit a grandparent on a regular basis, especially for a whole day, if they weren't enjoying it. We go visit DH's grandfather sometimes and it is boring for the kids. But because they know it will be short and they genuinely love to see him it makes it a positive visit. If we insisted on staying all day, they would be bored out of their minds and would want to leave and not want to go back. My kids are getting to an age when visiting with grandparents is not an exciting thing anymore. They no longer want to play in the toy room, they are frowned upon by others if they pull out an electronic device to play with, and they aren't interested in Aunt Tillie's latest surgery and other family gossip (although to be honest neither am I). They don't mind if it is an hour or two, but beyond that just seems too much if they aren't enjoying it. IMO, obligation and guilt are not a good foundation for a healthy relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamakelly Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Anyone else dying to know what culture the grandmother is from? LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Anyone else dying to know what culture the grandmother is from? LOL YES!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I think a large part of the problem here is your daughter's inability to entertain herself. That would be one area that I would specifically encourage you to intentionally coach her through figuring out quiet activities to do while at Grandma's house. She may not have any hobbies now, but it seems important that she figure this out. Even if you decreased the amount of visiting time, this will still be an issue. Speak to her frankly about this--it really can be her choice to sit bored or to strategize ways to fill the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I'm not sitting in my room surfing Pinterest for hours, which is what she's rather be doing. Can't she do that at grandma's house? I would push hard for dh to come home an hour earlier. The late night/early morning combo would mess up the whole next day for me. Would he be more willing to do that if dd was willing to have a better attitude about visits in return? If not, I myself would be perfectly willing to bring a bit of bribery into the picture . . . er, that is, add a more fun component to the visits. Can they all zip out to Tutti Frutti after dinner? Can you bring them to the store beforehand to pick out some fun treats they don't get otherwise? Or stop at Starbucks in the morning for a sickly sweet dessert coffee, because they were up so late the night before? Give them $5 to spend on itunes for new music to listen to there? Add a pleasant association to the visits. Honestly, if dd is only going to hang out at home, I'm inclined to think she should go with dad. It doesn't sound like the visits are taking away her only "me" time, and she will soon get to the age where she really does have commitments that interfere with the visits. She's just not there yet. The noise would bother me tremendously. Can you buy the kids noise-cancelling headphones? With those, dd could use some of the time to work on school, with the end result of having more free time when she is home. If it's hot, can they bring handheld fans? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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