How well or poorly are you able to move beyond intense conflict?

[Seasider]

Ok. Thanks for clarifying. If it is bad enough to make me wonder if the person actually likes me or the other way around, then it will hurt for a while but I will cut ties. This happened to me a few years ago. The person I foolishly called my best friend for over a decade repeatedly betrayed me and I would always look past it and extend grace and mercy because I loved her. Finally, when I was at my lowest in the hospital after a surgery, she came in the room and accosted me for being in the hospital while I had an infant that needed breast milk. I was laying there in the ER with uncontrolled bleeding after a gallbladder surgery that went sideways and she was yelling at me about breast milk. I realized at that moment that she was never the person I made her out to be. She was never the friend that I imagined. It sucked to cut ties and it hurt for a long time, but I am so glad I did. I ended up gutting many related friendships as well after realizing they were all of the same pattern. Now I can say that I do not have the kinds of experiences that you describe in the op with anyone else and don't expect I ever will again. Praise God.

Jaw. Dropped.

 

I cannot imagine. I am so sorry that happened to you. How awful.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

For me, it depends on the conflict and on the relationship the person and their family have with mine. I've had intense conflict with people in the past but have held onto a cordial relationship because our kids are good friends. It has been difficult, but I'd rather do that than deal with the alternative. However, there was never any betrayal involved. If the conflict was one where I felt truly betrayed or where I was the only person really affected, I would cut ties without too much agonizing. Life is too short to dedicate any amount of emotional energy to toxic or non-reciprocal relationships.

 

ETA: I do tend to spend a few days steaming and stewing, though, and can get myself worked up over things again if I dwell too much on it. If, for some reason, I couldn't cut the person out of my life, I'm certain I would be more frustrated and resentful on an ongoing basis. Cutting ties would help restore some peace to my mental state. 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Jaw. Dropped.

 

I cannot imagine. I am so sorry that happened to you. How awful.

 

Agreed! How awful  :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I wouldn't characterize it as conflict, because there wasn't a disagreement about anything but I have had a couple of occasions where people have come totally unglued for what seemed to be no reason at all.  One time I was on a date and all of a sudden the guy started yelling at me - really yelling so that everyone in the restaurant stopped and stared at us.  I don't know what I said or did since we were just having small talk and his yelling wasn't really focused on anything specific.  I got up and walked out.  I figured he could calm himself down enough to pay the bill.  I had even driven us there but I just took my car and drove home.  A couple of days later he called and apologized.  He didn't really have an explanation and even if he had I wouldn't have wanted to go out with him again.  It scared me, actually.  Afterwards we saw each other on occasion because we ran in the same circles but I never felt comfortable with him again and avoided him as much as I could.  I had one other time that happened with a girl friend of mine.  In her case she said that something I said was a trigger.  It wasn't anything bad though - if I remember correctly, we were talking about shower curtains.  I couldn't handle that either because it made me afraid of talking about anything in case it was a trigger of some kind.  (I do have some triggers due to some trauma in my life but perhaps fortunately it isn't something that will be triggered by small talk.)

[Anne in CA]

I have a pretty savvy way of dealing with casual acquaintances, but I have had three serious betrayals in the last three years and two of the people I cut out of my life completely, and one is family but that person does not get any trust from me. I could possibly trust the family member again if they proved themselves to be trustworthy over a long period of time, but that is what it would take. There are no words that would fix that situation. Only actions would fix that situation.

 

I was bullied as a junior high student and I have extremely firm ideas about what sort of person I trust. The only people I trust are people that I am very confident make their own way in the world without manipulating others. I still make mistakes, but when I catch the mistakes, I am truly done.

[TianXiaXueXiao]

Jaw. Dropped.

 

I cannot imagine. I am so sorry that happened to you. How awful.

Thanks, but one of the things I've learned is people will treat you the way you train them to treat you. If you give someone the indication that you like taking their crap, they will oblige. I should have stood my ground with this person ages ago, but I didn't. We live and hopefully learn. :)

[PrincessMommy]

I didn't know how to answer the poll either. 

 

I'm not very good at it in the best of times...but I am fortunate that I very rarely have arguments with friends. 

 

But, I have found that, as I've aged, it's harder to "just get over it" like I used to.  Things bother me much easier and for much longer.  I don't like that, but I don't know how to get back to that old me that cared a lot less.

[Jaybee]

If it is personal in nature, where I feel that my character is misunderstood or intentions are misunderstood, or that I've been unfairly judged, then I have a really hard time.  If it's something outside of me -- such as political or religious views -- then I can get beyond it pretty quickly.

This. And it also depends so much on how the conflict/disagreement was handled. Is it just an issue that we disagreed on, but it was handled respectfully? That is okay. But even if the disagreement is over a small thing, if the way I was treated was not respectfully, then it has become a trust issue. I continue to try to interact with them in a courteous and honest way, but I am much more guarded and protective of myself if I feel I can no longer trust them to treat me honestly, fairly, and kindly. I will definitely pull back in that case, because I have more self-respect than to continue to put myself in too vulnerable a place with someone who is only going to hurt me. (It is different if they recognize they have hurt me or handled things badly and apologize.)  I hate conflict, but will try to work through it with people because so many times it is simply a matter of understanding each other. However, I am pretty discerning, and there are some people that it is obvious to me will not work with me to grow in understanding. In those cases, it is definitely pull-away time.

 

From another perspective, there is this to think upon. I am not really sure where I lie on the sensitivity line. But I have had some lovely friends who were very sensitive. Because of that sensitivity, I knew that there would come a time when they would write me off due to some hurt I had inadvertently caused, because I had seen them do it time and again with others--others whom I knew and felt were judged unfairly by the sensitive person. I still invested in the friendship, but was eventually cut off from two of these lovely people due to misunderstandings. I tried to explain as well as apologize, but they would not accept it. Both these situations still make me sad sometimes.

 

Grace is a lovely thing to extend toward others. We all say and do things that can be hurtful and/or misunderstood. It is hard sometimes to find the healthy balance between paragraph 1 and paragraph 2. I find it helpful to remember a principle that Charlotte Mason discusses in her book, Ourselves. She talks about being generous--not just with things, but in how we view people. She says that our assumption should be that others are not meaning to hurt us. (I know there really are those who do, but this is not talking about those people; more those who just aren't thinking about how things come across.) I realized that I was often assuming the opposite, so it continues to be something to work on.

[Guest]

Ok. Thanks for clarifying. If it is bad enough to make me wonder if the person actually likes me or the other way around, then it will hurt for a while but I will cut ties. This happened to me a few years ago. The person I foolishly called my best friend for over a decade repeatedly betrayed me and I would always look past it and extend grace and mercy because I loved her. Finally, when I was at my lowest in the hospital after a surgery, she came in the room and accosted me for being in the hospital while I had an infant that needed breast milk. I was laying there in the ER with uncontrolled bleeding after a gallbladder surgery that went sideways and she was yelling at me about breast milk. I realized at that moment that she was never the person I made her out to be. She was never the friend that I imagined. It sucked to cut ties and it hurt for a long time, but I am so glad I did. I ended up gutting many related friendships as well after realizing they were all of the same pattern. Now I can say that I do not have the kinds of experiences that you describe in the op with anyone else and don't expect I ever will again. Praise God.

OMG. And yes, this is the type of thing I mean.

 

I am curious about how it went down with her either at the hospital or after you reflected upon it, if you're willing to share. Or how you cut out other "friends" later. IOW, did you go straight for it, saying, "In the hospital, I felt as though you did not care about me, as a person. I am not interested in keeping such people in my life, so, goodbye." Or was it more hedged, where you just were unavailable until they got the hint.

 

One difficulty is that this person will not be out of my life unless one of us drops dead or moves to Japan. So I don't know how much I am willing to burn the bridge when it will make certain settings and events extremely awkward, although they are bound to be awkward anyway because of the conflict.

[TianXiaXueXiao]

Well. I cussed her out and told her to leave. She left a card at my house the next day that was intended as an apology but didn't say "I'm sorry" or anything like that, but more "I know you can handle this," and "I believe in you."

 

She had come to the hospital with a mutual friend and that person said that when she saw her the next day and asked about how things were between us, her response was about how she moves on quickly and doesn't hold a grudge referring to being cussed out.

 

Anyway, we kept our distance for several weeks and then I was moving and she offered to help. I stupidly accepted her offer and when she came over she let it all hang out. She was unimpressed with the progress I had made at unpacking my new house. I idiotically asked her advice regarding a martial issue, inviting criticism. This time she pulled no punches, screaming at me telling me what a horrible wife and mother I was. When i started to get angry, she got even more animated saying "Yes, yes, show me your rage, admit that you are a horrible person, a terrible mother..." She was clearly getting some sort of sick high from tearing me down. For the second and last time I cussed her out and told her to leave.

 

I just never spoke to her again aside from one email response after several months.

 

It sucked. She attended my births, my wedding, and all important events in my life. Our kids were close and went to the same dance school. It was hardest seeing my child hurt over the lost friendships.

 

As time went on, I came to realize that I had made a good number of hostile people "friends" so I just stopped talking to them. I deleted them from my life and social media. I never spoke ill about any of them to anyone other than my husband. I just dropped the weight of it all and started over fresh. Thankfully, I had exercised some wisdom in picking friends over the last few decades and the true friends are still very much in my life. This all happened about a year before I started learning about Orthodoxy. So it was really a blessing to have these lovely, pious people come into my life to show me what friendship is and to be a healing presence. Thank God for that.

[Guest]

T wells, that is shocking, but I hate to say I am familiar with people who do such things. There is actually more than one "friend," who are all in one circle, and all are varying shades of this type of behavior. One is just mean as a snake. It hasn't come directly at me in a while, but I have seen/heard her cut *other* friends down in a very mean-spirited way. I would be relieved if she was absent from my life; that is how much I distrust her. I'm running these little fantasies in my mind in which I see her heading in my direction and I say, "Don't come talk to me. I do not like you."

 

I don't know. Sometimes I wish I were not so chronically gentle. I go to great lengths to be kind to others, to answer softly, even when I have a right to be not gentle. It often screws me, though.

[texasmama]

I don't know. Sometimes I wish I were not so chronically gentle. I go to great lengths to be kind to others, to answer softly, even when I have a right to be not gentle. It often screws me, though.

This is me, as well, but if you show yourself untrustworthy, I walk away and don't look back.  Even in the midst of the bad situation a year ago with the organizational split and the loss of the friend, I was never rude or mean.  I listened and was kind and in my head knew that she and I were no longer friends.  It did not matter if she still considered me a friend, I was done.  (I don't know if she considers us friends still or not.  She seems to have an odd view of what happened in order to live with herself and those close to her who participated in bad behavior.)

 

Basically, I mostly do not feel the need to tell someone whom I am cutting off that I am cutting them off.  I just let my actions speak for themselves.  Typically, I only go to the trouble of confrontation and conflict and working things through with someone with whom I intend to have an ongoing relationship.  I do not "waste" words, time, and energy on people I am putting in my rear view mirror.  I see this as a very valid means of approaching these things.

[TianXiaXueXiao]

T wells, that is shocking, but I hate to say I am familiar with people who do such things. There is actually more than one "friend," who are all in one circle, and all are varying shades of this type of behavior. One is just mean as a snake. It hasn't come directly at me in a while, but I have seen/heard her cut *other* friends down in a very mean-spirited way. I would be relieved if she was absent from my life; that is how much I distrust her. I'm running these little fantasies in my mind in which I see her heading in my direction and I say, "Don't come talk to me. I do not like you."

 

I don't know. Sometimes I wish I were not so chronically gentle. I go to great lengths to be kind to others, to answer softly, even when I have a right to be not gentle. It often screws me, though.

I've never cussed anyone out before or since the two times with this person. I fantasized about being able to keep my cool and calmly telling her to leave after the fact, but you get pushed far enough and self composure goes out the window.

 

There is no need to tell a mean person that you are cutting them out of your life. You just do it without giving them any ammunition to use against you. The truth is that there is nothing you could say that would change them and that would not get used against you.