kiana Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 You know the type ... I'll start: An infectious disease goes into a bar. The bartender says "Hey! We don't serve your kind here!" The disease replies "Well, you're not a very good host." 20 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiMi 4under3 Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 Knock knock. Who's there? Hutch. Hutch who? Bless you! 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AMJ Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 One fine, summer day a little piece of string was strolling around downtown. It was a special holiday for the town, and most businesses were closed and the people off getting ready for the big celebration. It was a hot day, and the little piece of string was getting thirsty. He came upon a bar that was still open, and entered with anticipation. Hopping up onto a barstool he happily called out, "Bartender, I'd like a drink, please!" The bartender turned, and upon discovering his new customer was string declared grumpily, "We don't serve Your Kind here. Go on, get out!" and promptly chased the little piece of string out of his establishment. Well, it was such a HOT day, and there really was no place else around in which the little piece of string could get a libation. Looking around he saw a gentleman on the corner waiting for a bus, and got an idea. Approaching the man the little piece of string said, "I beg your pardon, sir, could you please assist me?" The man, a little taken aback to be addressed by a piece of string, asked, "What do you need, son?" "Would you please pick me up and tie a knot in me? It would be ever so much help, and doesn't need to be an intricate one." replied the little piece of string. "Oh, okay. Can't see any reason why not." responded the man, and he picked up the string and tied a granny knot in him. "Thank you very kindly, sir! Have a good holiday!" exclaimed the little piece of string. Next the little piece of string headed across the street and into the small park, in which he had noticed a lady sitting on a park bench, brushing out her little dog. "Pardon me, ma'am, but would you be so kind as to help me look my best? Would you please fluff up my ends for me all fancy-like, for the festivities?" he implored. "Why, certainly!" she gleefully cried, and picked him up and proceeded to fluff and primp and style until she was satisfied he was the fanciest piece of string she had ever seen. "There, how's that?" "Ooo, thank you, ma'am! I've never looked better! Thank you for your help!" and bidding her Good Day he left the park. Back across the street and back down the street, into the same bar went the little piece of string. Hopping back up onto a barstool he called out, "Innkeeper, I would like a libation, please!" The bartender turned, looked closer and demanded, "Say, ain't you that same piece of string I just ran out of here?" "Oh, no," replied the little piece of string with all seriousness. "I'm a frayed knot!" The groaning may commence! 31 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
idnib Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 What does the "B" in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B. Mandelbrot. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiMi 4under3 Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 Why did the jelly roll? It saw the apple turnover. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dana Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 There are 10 kinds of people. Those who understand binary and those who don't. 41 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belacqua Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 Heisenberg and Schrödinger are out for a drive when they get stopped by the police. The policeman asks Heisenberg, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?†and Heisenberg says, “No, but I know where I am!â€. Confused, the officer says, “Sir, you were doing 80 mphâ€, and Heisenberg throws his hands in the air and huffs, “Great, now I don’t know where I am anymore!â€. The policeman thinks something is going on, and orders the pair out of the car so that he can search it for contraband. He looks under the seats, in the glove compartment, in the back, and then walks around the car and opens the boot. He stares into it for a moment, turns to Schrödinger and says, “Sir, did you know there’s a dead cat in here?!â€, so Schrödinger rolls his eyes and snorts. “Yeah, we do now!â€. 36 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiMi 4under3 Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 What do you call a greedy crustacean? A selfish shellfish. ETA: I just realized my jokes are "corny" not "nerdy." I'll stop posting now. :blushing: 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belacqua Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 What does the "B" in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B. Mandelbrot. Oh, thanks. I'm sure that iced coffee will clean right off my pants. :) ETA: I just realized my jokes are "corny" not "nerdy." I'll stop posting now. :blushing: Noooo! Don't stop...your jokes are great! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie in VA Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 Q: Why was the violist who was locked outside of his house confused? A: Because he couldn't find the key, and he didn't know when to come in. 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie in VA Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 A conductor and a violist are walking down the road. Q: Which one do you hit first? A: The conductor, because it's business before pleasure. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted July 3, 2014 Author Share Posted July 3, 2014 Q: Why was the violist who was locked outside of his house confused? A: Because he couldn't find the key, and he didn't know when to come in. He should have broken into song! 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie in VA Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 Q: A soprano and a violist jump off a cliff. Who hits the ground first? A: Who cares? 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie in VA Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 Q: What 4 musicians make up a string quartet? A: A good violinist, a bad violinist, a former violinist, and someone who hates the violin. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cosmos Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, "No, I'm traveling light." 33 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie in VA Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 At one end of a football field stand a first violinist, a second violinist, and a virtuoso violist. At the opposite end of that football field lies a crisp, new $100 bill. Q: Who gets the $100? A: The second violinist. First of all, there is no such thing as a virtuoso violist. Secondly, a first violinist would never work for so little. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belacqua Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. The bartender looks at him and replies, "For you? No charge." 22 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie in VA Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Q: How many violinists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: one to do the work, one to tell him he's doing it all wrong, and one to say, "I could do it so much better!" 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie in VA Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Q: How many violists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They can't go that high. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belacqua Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense. 38 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belacqua Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Helium walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender said, "I'm sorry. We don't serve noble gases here." He didn't react. 31 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie in VA Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Dvorak wrote only three symphonies: 7, 8 & 9. Saint-Saens wrote only one piano concerto: #2. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted July 4, 2014 Author Share Posted July 4, 2014 A brown bear and a white bear fall in water. Which one survives? The brown bear. The white bear is polar, and therefore dissolves in water. 21 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belacqua Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Three logicians walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "Do you all want drinks?" Logician #1: I don't know. Logician #2: I don't know. Logician #3: Yes. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted July 4, 2014 Author Share Posted July 4, 2014 C, G, and E-flat go into a bar. The bartender says "Hey! No minors allowed!" So E-flat leaves, and C and G have a fifth between them. 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted July 4, 2014 Author Share Posted July 4, 2014 f(x) goes into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't cater for functions." 18 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belacqua Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Did you hear about the guy who was cooled to absolute zero? He's OK now. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiMi 4under3 Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have some H2O." The second says, "I'll have some H2O too." The second scientist dies. 43 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiMi 4under3 Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean a martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!" 32 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted July 4, 2014 Author Share Posted July 4, 2014 Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have some H2O." The second says, "I'll have some H2O too." The second scientist dies. Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have some H2O." The second one says "I'll have some water too. And why on earth are you calling it H2O? We aren't in the lab, doofus." The first scientist mumbles to herself, annoyed that her assassination attempt failed. 31 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Violet Crown Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 At a meeting of the APA, an angel suddenly appears to the gathered philosophers. "As a reward for your distinguished services to the cause of wisdom," he says, "I will tell you the answer to any one philosophical problem you wish. Think a while; I will return in an hour." Then the angel disappears. The philosophers debate. What will they ask? Why is there something instead of nothing? Is there a God? Is there free will? Is knowledge the same as justified true belief? What about the Munchhausen Trilemma? Finally they arrive at a clever solution. An hour later the angel reappears. "What is your question?" The chosen spokesman steps forward and says, "O angel, here is our question. What," he asks smugly, "is the ordered pair, such that the first member is the best question we could possibly ask, and the second member is its answer?" "Well done!" cries the angel. "It is the ordered pair whose first member is the question you just asked, and whose second member is the answer I have just given." And he disappears. 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duckens Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Why are there never floods in France? Because the water is always l'eau (low). 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Violet Crown Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Two women walk into a bar, discussing the Bechdel test. 20 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted July 4, 2014 Author Share Posted July 4, 2014 Why are there never floods in France? Because the water is always l'eau (low). Why does a Frenchman only have one egg for breakfast? Because one egg is an oeuf. (enough) 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiMi 4under3 Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question??? 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/can-you-understand-these-knee-slappers?bffb&s=mobile 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Violet Crown Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Well if we're posting links.... Proofs that P http://home.sprynet.com/~owl1/proofs.htm 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 A mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "we don't serve your kind." Mushroom says "why not? I'm a fun guy." 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Violet Crown Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers here." A time traveler walks into a bar. 30 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duckens Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 How can you tell whether DNA is male or female? You pull down their genes. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duckens Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Newton, Pascal, and Einstein were playing Hide-and-Seek. It was Einsteins turn to seek, so Einstein closed his eyes and counted to 10 while Pascal and Newton went to hide. Pascal hid behind a tree, but Newton just stood there and drew a 1 meter by 1 meter box around him on the ground. When Einstein was done counting, he opened his eyes and said, "Newton, I see you! You're out!" And Newton replied, "No, you're wrong, You see Pascal! Pascal is out!" Pa = N/m^2 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Violet Crown Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 The programmer's wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread at the store, and if there are eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes back with twelve loaves of bread. 38 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolatechip Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 A man needed a new horse. He looked up an ad in the newspaper and went to see a man selling a young horse. When he got there, he saw that the horse was in excellent health, and, in addition, the man was selling for a very reasonable price. "I'll take him," the man said to the seller. "Great! There's only one thing about my horse here: he used to be a preacher's horse. He doesn't answer to Giddup or Whoa, instead, you have to say, 'Praise the Lord' to get him to go, and 'Amen' to get him to stop. That ok with you?" "Seems straightforward enough," the man concluded. "No problem." After paying for his new horse, the man mounted and set off for home the long way, in order to better be able to test his new horse. "Praise the Lord," he called. And the horse started. He wanted to canter, so, "Praise the Lord!" he called a second time. Deciding to put the horse through a gallop as well, he called "Praise the Lord!" a third time. They were flying along, enjoying the marvelous day and the wind in their faces when the man saw a sign flash by. He barely had time to make out the words: BRIDGE OUT AHEAD. In the near distance he could see the bridge. His heart flipped and he began to panic. "Whoa, horse!" he yelled. "Slow down!" But his words had no effect on the horse whatsoever. "Cease! Desist! Stop! Quit! Slow! Halt! Easy! Steady! Quiet! Calm!" he shouted, but to no avail. The bridge, or lack thereof, was very near now. In desperation, he lifted his eyes heavenward and prayed: "Dear God, I can't stop this horse, and I know I'm going to die. Please take care of me! Amen." Dust flew, and the horse came to a screeching halt right at the edge of the precipice. The man looked down into the canyon and wiped the sweat from his forehead. "Wow, that really was a close one. Praise the Lord!" 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pegs Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 A positron walks into a bar, and orders a drink. The bartender peers back across the counter and asks, "Are you an electron? Because we don't serve electrons in here." "Why, no," replies the positron. "I'm not." "Are you sure?" The bartender eyes the particle suspiciously. "Yes! I'm positive!" 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pegs Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 A baby seal walked in to a club. How sad. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pegs Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Descartes goes into a bar and orders a drink. "That'll be eight dollars," says the bartender. "I think not!" Descartes replies, then disappears. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 :smilielol5: :smilielol5: :smilielol5: thanks for the laughs 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted July 4, 2014 Author Share Posted July 4, 2014 Some bacteria go into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, you can't come in here!" The bacteria reply "Oh, it's okay, we're staph." 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted July 4, 2014 Author Share Posted July 4, 2014 All things shall pass. Balrogs shall not pass. Therefore, balrogs are not things. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Onceuponatime Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 Do you know any jokes about sodium? Na. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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