Aspasia Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Okay, every one of these describes my ds4. He gets mad if someone runs faster than him. He quits everything if he's losing. When dh plays catch with him and he misses the ball, he blames dh for not throwing it right, and then stomps off. He can't ever be wrong. If he clearly is, then he says he was just joking. If I inform him of something interesting or tell him the word for something he didn't know before, he always says, "I know". How do I deal with this??? He's definitely a perfectionist, so I'm always telling him "It doesn't have to be perfect to be good". I keep trying to tell him that life is no fun if you can't lose nicely, because everyone has to lose sometimes. If you want to play and have fun, you have to be okay with losing sometimes. I tell him nobody knows everything, not even me or daddy. We try to model graceful failure or imperfection. Rather than blaming a crack in the sidewalk, I laugh that I tripped. If he tells me new information, I make it a point to say, "Wow, that's interesting! I didn't know that!" Is this something he might grow out of or something he can unlearn? I know adults like this and they are hard to be around. I don't want him to grow up being so stubborn and full of pride. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 My perfectionist ds was exactly the same at age 4. He is now 16 and I just went through a bout of sore losing with him because his sister was beating him at chess. It challenged his idea of himself as a great chess player. It took a lot of conversations and meltdowns and talking until he was better able to control himself. With patience and persistance on your part he will learn to be a better loser and control himself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 When my dd who is 4 tried to quit a game she is losing I explain to her that its rude to do so and that if she consistently does it people will stop playing games with her. She usually ignores me and quits anyway. But a few minutes later wants her brother to play something else with her. He has learned to say no because he's sick of her quitting. If she screams about losing a race or something like that I sit her down and remind her that behaving like that is not an appropriate way to let others know how she feels. And if she continues to act like that it will affect the way people will want to interact with her. Although she still acts out I have noticed times where she realizes what she's doing and tries to change her behavior or apologize for it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 I think that his feelings are real, and they occur as a part of his personality: which also has its advantages in spite of its drawbacks. It's probably best to acknowledge his feelings, then try to help him acquire strategies to manage his words and behaviour when he feels that way. You also might want to use more "neutral" words to discribed his feelings and behaviour, rather than applying cultural constructs from the adult world -- discriptions that focus on his character (rather than on his immaturity and the 'growing edges' of his ability to cope with child-sized adversity). It will probably change your own reactions, allowing you to respond with specific advice and practical problem-solving suggestions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BarbecueMom Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Does he generally only play games and sports with adults and older kids? My stomp-off kid got a lot better after turning five, and also after playing t-ball with other kids who were consistently missing the ball (and the bases, and the fact that a game was going on...). Watching pro athletes make big mistakes helped too, so we make sure he always watches the Chicago Cubs games. ;-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Help him name the feelings. Frustration. Disappointment. Discouragement. Help him cope with them without telling him the feelings are wrong. You can't change the feelings, but over time you can help him cope with them and he will mature in his ability to choose how to perceive and experience things. Focus on him and his experience rather than how others perceive him. How others perceive him is important, but with a four year old, I would be gentle and gradual about that. I would try not to burden him with that right in the moment of his greatest frustration. It is a bit overwhelming and embarrassing to feel furious about losing, and then have a big dose of, "no one wants to play with you when you act like this." Instead, talk when he isn't agitated about how others feel. Maybe watch some World Cup soccer and find a moment to say, "I bet that goalie feels really bad about missing that shot. Oh, but look. His team mates are giving him a pat on the shoulder." Or when you see an athlete get angry, sympathize with how that must feel, but also talk about how that player has to control his behavior even when he is upset. Ultimately, you have to focus on the behavior, not on whether it's okay to feel things. Even though sports (chess, spelling bees etc) are supposed to be "fun," they aren't always fun. It's not fun to lose, and it's actually not always fun to train. There should be some enjoyment in it, or why do it? But sometimes, as kids get older, it's just work and commitment, and for competitive people, it rings hollow to focus on how "fun" it is all supposed to be. I would imagine that for your DH, throwing a ball with his kid is very fun, but for some kids, it's feels like a very serious matter to show Dad how you can do it. And then when he loses control of his emotions, he's doubly embarrassed - he missed the ball AND his Dad won't like playing with him. Very stressful. I think the desire to already know everything is probably part of not wanting to see dumb, less than, ignorant, etc. In other words - it's part of wanting to look good. So I would probably not make a big deal out of the "I know" stuff at this age Just recognize that he really cares that you think he is smart and knowledgeable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer in MI Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Patience! It takes a lot of patience to deal with these kids. My now-16 year old was (and still is) like this, to a certain extent. I remember a time he lost at a game of Chutes and Ladders to his little brother. He threw the board across the room and it hit his younger brother so hard, he needed stitches! When he was little we always used to do what another poster suggested - identify the feelings. Frustration, anger, disappointment, etc...Practice appropriate behavior. ("If you lose the game, how are you going to act? What are you going to say to the other person/team? If you win . . . . ." You get the idea.) While it was tough as a younger kid, it has made my kid as a teen a very highly competitive athlete on the national level. He pushes himself VERY hard and wins. So, there is a positive side to this type of personality. But, we still have to reign him in when he loses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 One of my brothers was like this, but as an adult he is quite nice and rather humble. I think just the experience of being in situations that truly challenged him ver and over helped. I would say especially if he is a gifted kid get him involved in classes and activities with other gifted kids so he is forced to recognize that yes there are other people as smart as or smarter than him and everyone has to work hard at something. No-one likes to lose, but it will happen to everyone sometimes and those who ultimately succeed in life are the ones who learn to handle challenges and failure well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 My DD2 is that way and it is a very unpleasant, prideful set of character traits. We're beginning to do some serious training on what God values in her character (hint: the opposite of what she values) and working on giving her a tender heart for other people and preferring them over herself. That diligence and faithfulness in all areas, regardless of outcome, is much more valued and praised by us than who wins or scores best. We're slowly reinforcing concepts of true beauty and success, neither of which are pursued by haughty, arrogant, prideful people who cannot handle not always being first, and not always getting their way. She is little, and it is a sloooow process, but the balance of praising her hard work without puffing her up any more is one that is worthy to strike. The rest of her siblings don't struggle in this same way with their pride and selfishness, not so outwardly, so it's nice only one of them needs such extensive training. Though there are manifestations of these same, basic sin tendencies in all the kids she in particular has such a strong personality that it has been worth it to work on it early and often. Be want to hone all the positives of her God-given personality - the work ethic, the eagerness for knowledge, the cheerful help and desire to succeed, without letting the pride and selfishness take over. It's going to be a long struggle for her but to me the character traits are a much more important focus than academics, alone. ETA - it should go without saying but modeling this as parents and regularly and repeatedly pointing the kids to scripture and the examples of excellent and Godly character in the bible, preaching and living out the Gospel primarily; these things are absolutely foundational to fully and appropriately dealing with selfishness and pride. Without heart change, which only God can enact, it just becomes so much spiritual whackamole and phariseeism. We train them in their responses but the heart is central to this and all other sin issues, and that is beyond us. Thus, the real need of prideful and selfish children AND adults is regeneration, not behavioralism :) I think you might be accidentally confusing the concept of sinfulness with childishness and immaturity. The process of shepherding children as they mature absolutely does not require the kind of theological language that assigns them the role of an adult believer, then degrades them for not prematurely living up to such impossible characteristics. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeteranMom Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 I have 2 boys who are VERY competitive. It's who they are. As they have gotten older, they have handled losing a bit better. I agree that it will take a lot of patience on your part. Just keep talking to him and he will mature. I noticed my boys maturing at around 8-9. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LLMom Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 This describes my 10 year old ds to a t. I am now getting my son help because it hasn't really gotten better especially at home with family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 My DD2 is that way and it is a very unpleasant, prideful set of character traits. It's age-appropriate for a 2-year-old to be prideful and self-centered. That doesn't mean parents can't do anything to help them develop their ability to think of others, but I think they should take care not to automatically attribute a lack of development in a particular area to weakness of character. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Nope, not confusing it. But we cannot begin to teach our children to think biblically without using biblical language for what they're doing. How are they to recognize their need for their savior if they do not recognize when and how they are sinning? Childishness is one thing, certainly, which is why we are patient and merciful with our children as we train them. But a selfish and prideful child who corrects mommy and daddy believing himself to be right, treats his siblings disdainfully, is a sore loser believing he is the one who deserves to win and treats his siblings or playmates badly needs to have scripture applied to his or her sin so they begin to see themselves as God sees them. If we don't help them get to this point we cannot witness to them, which is what they need most. This isn't my style of parenting, but there have been times when I have quoted to my kids, "Pride goes before a fall," and, "He who humbles himself shall be exalted, but he who exalts himself shall be humbled." To the OP, i think the modeling you are doing is bound to sink in, but I also have no problem with telling a child directly that they are being a poor sport, or that they were wrong in a given case. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Χά�ων Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 A 4 year old? Time amd patience. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Nope, not confusing it. But we cannot begin to teach our children to think biblically without using biblical language for what they're doing. How are they to recognize their need for their savior if they do not recognize when and how they are sinning? Childishness is one thing, certainly, which is why we are patient and merciful with our children as we train them. But a selfish and prideful child who corrects mommy and daddy believing himself to be right, treats his siblings disdainfully, is a sore loser believing he is the one who deserves to win and treats his siblings or playmates badly needs to have scripture applied to his or her sin so they begin to see themselves as God sees them. If we don't help them get to this point we cannot witness to them, which is what they need most. The way this is done makes a difference, especially with humility and love from the parent. But it is never too early to begin instructing children in how they are to respond and on Whom they are to model themselves. And we as parents must lead the way in up own attitudes, modeling repetence and asking forgiveness when we sin. That's crucial. I have not found that my preschool and kindergarten children are too young to begin understanding the Word of God and where they fit into the sovereign plan of God. But I have indeed seen that it causes more confusion than help when we do not help our kids think biblically from the get go :) Because I consider it polite to answer direct questions, I will respond to you asking me, "How are they to recognize their need for their savior if they do not recognize when and how they are sinning?" My answer is that as they grow up knowing Jesus, they will recognize Him easily, and therefore have no problem recognizing His saving power and love. I would also like to clairify that I do not mean to imply that I agree with your presupposition that small children sin whatsoever. As for the rest of your opinions and personal theological musings on children, I will simply state that I categorically disagree with you on almost every point, and therefore I maintain the opinion that you have indeed accidentally confused the two concepts. As always, we believers are free to disagree amicably... And it's pretty clear that we do disagree. I hope I have managed to be amicable about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albeto. Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Help him name the feelings. Frustration. Disappointment. Discouragement. Help him cope with them without telling him the feelings are wrong. You can't change the feelings, but over time you can help him cope with them and he will mature in his ability to choose how to perceive and experience things.... Nice post. OP, another thing we did was change the rules of the game a bit. Instead of playing to win, we offered experiences in which the goal was to make sure everyone was having a good time. We did it by playing games that required no skill, and people won or didn't based on pure chance. Games like candyland and chutes and ladders, for example. The goal was to make sure everyone was having a good time, and the way to do that was to recognize who might be feeling frustrated and to offer encouragement or just contribute to everyone having a pleasant experience. The "winner," the one who was most encouraging and enjoyable, got fresh a fresh chocolate chip cookie warm out of the oven. My kids never minded that everyone "won," and it helped to recognize some of the other elements present during play. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albeto. Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 How are they to recognize their need for their savior if they do not recognize when and how they are sinning? Kids don't need to. Kids can learn the social skills that make playing more enjoyable for them and for others around them. People who are cooperative and easily compatible are more enjoyable to be around, enjoy their experiences more, and are more appreciated than those who are abrasive. Teaching these social skills to kids gives them the tools to be in greater control of their experiences, increasing the probability of them enjoying events as well as making and establishing healthy relationships with peers (which leads to coworkers, bosses, family, neighbors, etc, etc). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Nice post. OP, another thing we did was change the rules of the game a bit. Instead of playing to win, we offered experiences in which the goal was to make sure everyone was having a good time. We did it by playing games that required no skill, and people won or didn't based on pure chance. Games like candyland and chutes and ladders, for example. The goal was to make sure everyone was having a good time, and the way to do that was to recognize who might be feeling frustrated and to offer encouragement or just contribute to everyone having a pleasant experience. The "winner," the one who was most encouraging and enjoyable, got fresh a fresh chocolate chip cookie warm out of the oven. My kids never minded that everyone "won," and it helped to recognize some of the other elements present during play. We have discovered some fun cooperative board games that work well for our family. Stone Soup is one that my young children enjoy playing. Everyone races together to add items to the soup before the fire foes out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 24, 2014 Share Posted June 24, 2014 We have discovered some fun cooperative board games that work well for our family. Stone Soup is one that my young children enjoy playing. Everyone races together to add items to the soup before the fire foes out. Yes, I also loved Snail's Pace Race. I have kept that game, though my kids are beyond it now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Courtney Posted May 22 Share Posted May 22 My son is about to turn 8 and is very talented at sports especially baseball. He always gets so angry if his team is loosing. He starts stomping his foot and crying, full out sobbing. It started when he was about 5 I noticed he would hit the ground if he got out. It has progressively gotten worse and I don’t know how to help him.. I have tried being the nice mom, being the tough love mom , and nothing helps! When I ask him why do you get so angry ? His response “I just really hate loosing”. His attitude has affected his play time and position yet he still just always acts like a big rude baby to the point where none of his teammates even want to play catch with him. How can I help him to change his attitude before he ends up getting kicked off the team? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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