Constant sibling bickering/bad attitudes...have you successfully changed this and how?

[ThelmaLou]

My kids seem like they're never happier than when they're arguing. I have four boys ages 18 down to 7. The older ones aren't quite as difficult, although my youngest two can really push their buttons. Youngest boys are 13 and 7 and I think they must might kill each other. Honestly, they are two of the most difficult people I know.

 

What, if anything, have you done successfully to change the sibling dynamics?

 

Lisa

[KrissiK]

I have no advice, just sympathy. Mine bicker all the time and it exhausts me. And it's not the bickering so much it's the fact that my oldest is 9 months older than his brother but 20 lbs. heavier and I'm afraid he will hurt him if it gets physical, which it does at times. They bicker and tease and take Legos and push buttons. Drives me insane. They are both 10 at this point, the older turns 11 in 3 weeks.

[kewb]

I think I have just gotten better at ignoring the bickering.  When mine were younger, when I noticed constant bickering I would unplug them. I found that removing tv and video games for a few days or longer if necessary got them back on track.  I would also occasionally make them do everything holding hands so they would have to cooperate.  If one had to use the bathroom the other had to sit outside the door until their sibling was done.  If there was tattling involved in the bickering they had to fill out a tattle form.  The form greatly reduced the tattling.

[Anne in CA]

I agree about unplugging. My kids always got along better with as little screen time as possible.

[LostSurprise]

There are 2 kinds of bickering.

 

The kind where they are challenging each other, but there is no violence, no name-calling, no insults. 

 

The kind where they are insulting, name-calling, pushing or hitting. 

 

 

I don't do anything for the first one, except tell them to go do it in their own private space if it is bothering me. Sometimes I'll send them outside to do something physical. Mostly they're bored or trying to come out on top of each other. 

 

For the second kind, I stop it right away. We don't allow any kind of physical or verbal abuse. Ever. First they'll be verbally corrected. Then they'll be redirected. Redirection often means doing chores, homework, or physical labor...separately...for me. There were many years where this took up much of my time. My oldest is inclined to think that insults and name-calling are fine because they wouldn't bother him.  :rolleyes:  At this point though, things run pretty smoothly. 

 

I have also noticed that electronics lead to dissatisfaction. We try to keep electronics out of the morning and make them more evening things. Not being able to play indefinitely is a real downer on their days and can spark quite a lot of cranky behavior that lasts for hours. Also, if someone takes video games too seriously (fighting, arguing, yelling at others they're playing with), then they need time away until they can control themselves. Video games also require civilized behavior outside of the game. If you can't stop abusive behaviors then I don't think I want you online shooting guns, racing, or fighting. 

 

[ThelmaLou]

Our bickering really runs the gamut. 

 

"You were the last one with the remote control. You find it yourself."

 

"Mom, he won't get out of my room"

 

"Mom, he won't get off my bed."

 

"Mom, he smiled at me when you told me to go clean my room."

 

"Stop whining. You don't have it nearly as bad as me."

 

"Get off the computer, you've been on long enough." "Mom, he won't get off the computer." "I have to do school, all you want to do is surf the internet."

 

"You always take the last muffin!" "Well, you took the last brownie yesterday." "Mom, he shouldn't get the last muffin."

 

"Stop humming." "Mom, he won't stop humming." "I was in here first, if you don't like my humming then go out." "Nuh-uh, I was in here first. I just got up to go to the bathroom." "He always tells me to stop making every little noise." "He always makes noise because he knows it bothers me."

 

"Your ipod is way too loud. I can hear the music coming out of your headphones. Turn it down." "No...I have it turned to the exact volume that mom lets me." "There's no way...Mom, tell him to turn his ipod down!"

 

"Hey, you're doing that without permission...."

 

Really, it's all so embarrassing. It gets really petty.

 

 

[Joanne]

The book "How to stop whining, complaining and bad attitude in you and your children" by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller is awesome for sibling relationships. I am on my phone and can't answer more now.

[ThelmaLou]

Believe it or not, I actually have the book by Turansky and Miller. I need to get it off shelf and actually read it! Thanks for the reminder!

 

Screen time is virtually non-existent for my boys. We don't do video games, and we limit web surfing to a minimum. I do think things would be 10 times worse if they played video games!

[Mandylubug]

I kick mine outside to play at certain times. Other times, I send them to separate areas in the house.... other times I start assigning chores.

[fairfarmhand]

Our bickering really runs the gamut. 

 

"You were the last one with the remote control. You find it yourself."

 

"Mom, he won't get out of my room"

 

"Mom, he won't get off my bed."

 

"Mom, he smiled at me when you told me to go clean my room."

 

"Stop whining. You don't have it nearly as bad as me."

 

"Get off the computer, you've been on long enough." "Mom, he won't get off the computer." "I have to do school, all you want to do is surf the internet."

 

"You always take the last muffin!" "Well, you took the last brownie yesterday." "Mom, he shouldn't get the last muffin."

 

"Stop humming." "Mom, he won't stop humming." "I was in here first, if you don't like my humming then go out." "Nuh-uh, I was in here first. I just got up to go to the bathroom." "He always tells me to stop making every little noise." "He always makes noise because he knows it bothers me."

 

"Your ipod is way too loud. I can hear the music coming out of your headphones. Turn it down." "No...I have it turned to the exact volume that mom lets me." "There's no way...Mom, tell him to turn his ipod down!"

 

"Hey, you're doing that without permission...."

 

Really, it's all so embarrassing. It gets really petty.

Have you been in my house?

 

Change the he's to shee's and that's what happens here.

[AMJ]

I think I have just gotten better at ignoring the bickering.  When mine were younger, when I noticed constant bickering I would unplug them. I found that removing tv and video games for a few days or longer if necessary got them back on track.  I would also occasionally make them do everything holding hands so they would have to cooperate.  If one had to use the bathroom the other had to sit outside the door until their sibling was done.  If there was tattling involved in the bickering they had to fill out a tattle form.  The form greatly reduced the tattling.

 

So, tell me more about this tattling form, please!  What all was on it that they had to fill out?  What did you do with them after they filled them out?  :bigear:

[AMJ]

I kick mine outside to play at certain times. Other times, I send them to separate areas in the house.... other times I start assigning chores.

 

My MIL has started assigning dusting whenever a grandchild acts disrespectful, does something they shouldn't, or to get video games out of time out (where they get put when they weren't put away properly).

 

Most of my nieces and nephews, plus my 2 kids, are all old enough now for cleaning bathrooms.  I've taught my 2 and my oldest niece how to swish and swipe a bathroom clean in just one minute.  I'm tempted to start making cleaning bathrooms (with proper instruction from me, and insistence that they keep doing it until it's done right) the go-to consequence of squabbling in my house when cousins are over.  I already require my 2 to swish and swipe bathrooms as part of their chores (though with recent interruptions to our routines I've been as bad as them about forgetting certain chores....).

 

I've found that when it comes to DD12-almost-13 I have to suss out what the most effective consequence is at the moment I impose it.  She gets so used to things being taken away (electronics, privileges, etc.) she shrugs it off at times.  Making her do extra stuff, however, seems to be getting through at times.