Pulling her punches?

[Dmmetler]

Ok..DD9 takes tumbling twice a week. This past summer, she ended up with a friend in each of her classes from our HS group, in both cases because DD was in that specific class and they wanted their DC to be comfortable. Well, DD's progress has slowed dramatically since then, but I wasn't too concerned (since we do tumbling in large part because it's cheaper than OT and seems to have the same benefit for her sensory-wise).

Three weeks ago, one of the two friends switched to a class at a different gym (that would let the mom have all her DC in class at the same time-Our gym didn't have a boy's class available). And DD has made major progress all at once, but only on that one day a week, not on the day of the week she still has a friend there. I noticed last week, but kind of assumed it was because she could pay better attention without a friend there, and figured that learning to work with distraction is a good lesson.

But, I watched both classes this week, and I saw a major difference in DD's behavior. In the class where she had a friend, she was very critical of herself, and needed a lot of reassurance even to try skills that she's been working on for awhile. Tonight, without a friend there, she was much more positive, was trying again without criticizing herself, asked the coach if she could try a skill at a higher level of difficulty (on a flat mat vs on the cheese mat), and when she missed slightly and the coach moved to help her, commented "No, let me try again-I've got this"-and kept trying. It was honestly like watching a different child than I'd seen even earlier in this week.

And thinking about it, both the other two girls were in co-op last Spring, which was miserable for DD, and where she eventually shut down entirely because of criticism by another parent about "acting smart" and "using too big of words".

I'm really wondering if she's reacting to having another HS friend there by trying not to "act smart" or "show off", and exaggerating her mistakes-even though, skill-wise, she's not in any way, shape, or form more advanced at tumbling than her classmates are. And, if she is, how to I get her to realize that she doesn't need to do so?

[Uff Da!]

:(. I don't really have advice but want to give you both a big hug. 

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

No idea, just hugs. :( :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[mathnerd]

She is dumbing herself down to match her peer group. I have the same experience with my child who is in a weekly class with a chess coach - he is good at chess and is one year ahead of his friend who was enrolled by his mom into that class so the friend would have someone he knew in that class. Ever since, my son has dumbed down his game, become a goofball and lost his competitive spirit while before he was intense, focused and ambitious in chess. It seems that he is trying to be at the same level as this friend who he has known since they were infants and is trying to make the friend feel better by keeping him company at his level. The reasons are because DS is a single child, very empathetic to his friends, emotionally attached to this kid and tries to "hang out" with this other kid and be like him. Also, having this peer and old friend in the class is distracting, taking away DS's focus and making him concentrate on what his friend is doing rather than his work.

We talk to him before every class and let him know that the class is not a playdate and that he goes to the class to learn and be good at chess and not to reconnect with friends. I also tell him that I am happy to set up a playdate for later with that friend and that he should focus on his game in the class. Sometimes, it works, most times it does not. My DH feels that life will bring forth many incidents like this and that DS should figure out how to deal with them starting now. I feel that the friend in the class is a distraction and that I should change the class time. Well, I might end up changing the class time eventually if things continue like this.

Good luck, sorry I cannot offer any suggestions to help.

[kiwik]

What does the coach say?

[SarahW]

Is there a higher level group she could join?

 

Often, coaches will post "pre-reqs" for a higher group. But when I was involved in gymnastics it was common for a coach to move someone up because that person was "coasting" or not putting in a full effort anymore.

 

As for the root of the problem - yes, it sounds like a self-confidence issue. I have no real advice on that, other than hoping that with maturity is will "click" that it doesn't matter how others judge her. 

[Dmmetler]

She's really not ready to move to the next class because her class covers several levels. If she were doing straight gymnastics, she'd be close to a level skill boundary, but she's at least a level below where the next class starts. She'd also be very young for the next level-for the most part, girls her age who are at that level are doing gymnastics, as opposed to tumbling because the gym doesn't have a tumbling/trampolining team, so the higher levels tend to be cheerleaders who want better quality training than a cheer gym offer.  She also has a different coaching staff on Weds than on Friday, so while pretty much every coach in the gym knows her, they're not necessarily going to pick up on the difference.

 

 

I'm torn on whether to move her, or whether to see it as a learning process. And, realistically, if I move her, there's a fairly high chance that, unless I lay it out for the mom of the other child (and risk hurting her feelings-and the other child is a little girl that DD enjoys spending time with (she's also animal-crazy), so I don't want to damage that friendship.) that the other child would follow-because the other child is doing the class just for fun, and is doing it because DD is in it. Plus, I suspect DD would not be thrilled if I move her away from her friend.

 

I wonder if I could video record both classes to show DD the difference? Or maybe see if one of the other coaches could observe her in both classes and talk to DD about the difference? (the lady who is usually at the front desk now because she had a baby recently has coached DD in the past (and has been good at working with DD on frustration and perfectionism), and is there both days, so if she could just kind of keep an eye out the window, maybe she could let DD know what she's seeing).

 

The sad part is that the other child, in this case, is one who really does seem to appreciate DD as she is and just enjoy her company. Any pressure to dumb herself down is coming from DD, not the other child.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[acurtis75]

I think I would keep her there and use it as a teaching experience. It's likely that the situation with occur again if you move her. Since this is an area where she is more on-level than academics it is probably a better venue to work on her thinking about the situation. I like the video idea. It's possible that she's not totally aware that she is doing it or able to articulate why it is happening. Is the friend a good tumbler? This may be an out there thought but is it possible that she might be trying to let the friend "win" or be better at something because she normally outshines everyone in academic ventures. My dd is sometimes overly concerned about others feelings and feels more responsible than she should to make them feel good.

[lewelma]

My younger boy had some trouble with a very good friend of his joining his gymnastics class, and was feeling the loser in what he considered some sort of competition. I just told him to start recognizing his friend's accomplishments and complimenting him. This resulted in his friend reciprocating, and both boys started to feel much better about just giving it a go. Not sure this would work in your situatation but thought you might consider it. Seems to have helped my boy become less self conscious.

 

Big hugs to you and your dd.

 

Ruth in NZ

[Dmmetler]

The other girl could probably out perform DD if she actually worked at it and wanted to do so-she's a physically talented child who will try skills quickly, but then doesn't want to perfect skills or master the form. She kind of does that in academics, too-she's a bright kid who grasps concepts quickly about 75-80% of the way there, but then doesn't really seem to master them. She's definitely a child who has "good enough" down to a science.

 

DD tends to only try skills at the gym until she's 100% sure of them and of herself-like it took 2 years of gymnastics/tumbling before I even saw her do a cartwheel anywhere but in the gym. She's always been a kid who held back in public (including in front of parents) and then went from 0-100 overnight, and doesn't stop working on a skill until it's perfect, and likes things broken down into steps. She's not at all talented physically, and it takes her a long time to master any skill but when she's got it, she's got it.  (She follows the same process in academics-but since she IS talented in that area, it simply takes less time for her to get to that 100% understanding and mastery she considers good enough).

 

I can see where DD might feel inferior to her friend just being able to try something and do it-and, conversely, that she might be holding back and pointing out her imperfections because usually when DD DOES get something, she's getting compliments on it-because, for the most part, she doesn't do it until she's gotten every precursor step perfect.

 

 

 

[Occasionally]

since we do tumbling in large part because it's cheaper than OT and seems to have the same benefit for her sensory-wise

 

I think you probably need to consider what your goals are with the class, and if she's getting what she needs--pulled punches or not. You might look at it that your DD is showing a lot of empathy towards the other girl, but I can understand that you don't want her to stop her own progress for someone else.

 

Have you talked to your DD about it at all?

[Dmmetler]

If she weren't getting upset at herself and coming out of class unhappy, I might be able to see it as empathy or as developing social skills. I don't really care how much progress she makes or how fast-we do tumbling for PE and sensory purposes, not because any of her long-term goals involve tumbling. But she's not. She's constantly riding herself in class and really focusing on her mistakes, and then coming out of class upset because of all the mistakes she's making. And that's not doing her OR her friend any good.

 

We talked some after Friday's class. I really don't think she's aware of how different she's acting between the two days or how much harder she is on herself on Weds than on Friday.

 

 

[Occasionally]

I missed where she was coming out of class unhappy--that makes a big difference.  :sad:  Is she the type where, if you make her conscious of your observations, she can step back a little and see it for herself?