Talk me down :)

[GSOchristie]

So as I'm transitioning bitty girl into her big girl bed, I'm getting sad that I will never have another baby.  I have firmly said since she was born I was done, I didn't have any desire to have more children, I was perfectly happy with my three.  Only now I'm not so sure.  I have horrible pregnancies, I have carpal tunnel syndrome, restless leg syndrome, and extreme nausea from 5 weeks until I deliver.  My life basically falls apart, I can't see schooling Asher during a pregnancy, and I feel he is now too old to just blow school off.  There would also be seven years between him and the new baby, way more of a spread than I wanted, I feel like I should have gotten pregnant when Piper was one if I wanted another baby.  So this is just a phase, right?  Someone who got over it reassure me that I won't be sorry we didn't take the plunge and have another.  DH doesn't really want any more, but he is not adamantly opposed, either, he would do whatever I wanted.  I have been telling people for two years "you just know when you're done", only now, I just don't know :/.

[Jean in Newcastle]

For me, it was a phase and I did get over it.  That doesn't mean that if by some miracle I suddenly became pregnant (which would be a huge surprise since I'm almost 50!) that I wouldn't be thrilled.  But in my case, it meant that we chose not to specifically try to get pregnant any more.  But I think this is such an individual thing for each family.

[Joyofsixreboot]

If you look at my sig you'll see I'm the wrong one to ask. Hugs to you.

[Chris in VA]

It's such an individual thing. I know I went thru a time of REALLY wanting another, and for several years I lamented that I hadn't gone through with it.

 

I guess maybe you could ask yourself if you really want another little PERSON, or you really want to remain a MOTHER OF AN INFANT. One is about the baby, one is about you. One is about missing a person, one is about missing a stage in life, or not wanting to let go of a part of life. (Well, it makes sense in my head...lol!) Neither is wrong, neither is a better reason to get pregnant, or not to.

 

Mine was missing a stage and letting go. I really like the "raising family" years, even though they are so hard at times. 

 

(A friend of mine says Ask yourself if you want another teenager. If the answer is yes, then you know you are missing a person who should be there. ::-):)

 

 

 

[Saddlemomma]

My oldest is 23 and my youngest is almost 11.  I lost 3.  I'll be 50 in February, so I guess I'm not the best person to ask.

 

[JudoMom]

It's fine to change your mind.   It's also fine to not change your mind.  I wouldn't base the decision on what you said or thought in the past.  I also wouldn't base your decision on the feelings you're having about your baby growing up.

There is also no perfect spacing for children.  Your son is also young enough that another light school year won't hurt him.

I would love another baby, but I also feel that our family is complete at this time.  I knew after the last baby was born that we were done for now.  While I'm sad that we don't have another little one growing up, every year the feeling that our family is complete right now is just as strong.  There is a chance that we'll foster/adopt as all the boys start leaving, but we know that time isn't right now.

I'm not any help, I'm afraid.  I would just suggest that you keep an open mind about it.   :grouphug:

[6wildhorses]

I had a hard time letting go of the baby stage. I finally realized that just because I loved babies, it didn't mean that it was a good idea to have more kids than I could handle. I would consider your overall goals and priorities (short and long term) for your family and then consider if you are willing or able to fit a new child into that picture. If you still want a baby and it doesn't seem practical, you might still be able to make it work if you can add in resources (such as hiring help or sending kids to school).

 

I'm giving this advice because I really struggled when my 4th was born. I love her to pieces! I just wish I had been more self-aware of my own limitations and had set up extra help from the beginning because I really needed it. Even after all this, I still struggled emotionally with letting go of the baby stage. I think I just have a strong biological and emotional drive to have children! It's just part of who I am, and that's okay.

[ajfries]

Our 3rd was a complete surprise. The kind that made me question if I really did know where babies came from ;) He's 15 months now, and I think about this a lot. My oldest DS has started asking about "the next baby". For me, I love babies. I will ALWAYS want another baby. I loved being pregnant, I loved labor and delivery (not at the time, but you know...) But I strongly feel that at some point, that sacrifice gets too big. It gets to be too much. Financially, emotionally, physically. Mentally. And I think that there are families that can THRIVE with way more kids, but for me, I just feel like...a fourth might be too much. Especially since mine would be so close in age. I can't help but wonder what sacrifices another baby would require my other 3 to make. Would I be able to homeschool all 4? Take all 4 on trips?? Sure, people do it all the time, but could I??

 

I completely agree with others that said do you want a baby? or do you want another person in your family?

[bettyandbob]

So, I look at the negative side. What is the financial cost to your family and is that too much to take away from the dc you already have. What if a possible baby has a disability--can you absorb that and give the kind of attention you want to give to the dc you already have? What if one of the dc you already have develops a chronic illness or serious disability, do you have enough energy for that and providing for a new baby? It's probably obvious these are real issues in my family, but in reality they can happen in any family. These issues have a major impact on family life financially and emotionally. You can't know for sure that you really can handle them, but if you don't think you could drastically change how you are living and raising your current family to accomodate such issues perhaps another child may not in the picture. 

 

I love babies. I love cuddling babies. We do not live at the financial level we did when we had oldest. We are providing the kids slightly more than what I would consider my basic responsibility to provide and that's fine. We have fun holiday traditions and inside family jokes and other things that make our family special and that's wonderful. Even without financial constraints I knew I could not dilute my self emotionally more--there were years, and at points several years in a row of nothing left inside me to give. 

 

I also like Chris's statement about another teenager. One teen with only slightly more than average teen issues can absolutely drain a family emotionally, create a completely lopsided dynamic and hurt what you can provide other dc in the family (emotionally, physically and financially). 

 

However, if you are young, healthy and think you have the energy to take it all on, then discuss with dh what he's able to take on too and make your decision. 

[Tammyla]

Your reaction sounds pretty normal to me.  I think many of have days where we are 100% sure and then moments of longing for another little one to love.

 

I would recommend allowing yourself to feel and explore your feelings.  Changing your mind is not the end of the world; nor is a big age gap between kids. 

[GSOchristie]

Thanks for your thoughtful replies, I obviously need to pray quite a bit about this.  We can handle the financial aspect as long as we decide to hs through high school.  That's where it gets tricky, if we decide to send them to school, it will be to the tune of around $50,000 each for high school, and that's the current rate and only covers tuition.  I just can't make that decision right now, so I feel like I'm sort of "locked in" to having three kids.  Now if we decide to hs all the way through, money would not be a problem.  I think the nostalgia is just taking over, I mean, I sold EVERYTHING.  I was that sure I was done.  So I don't know if this is some kind of blip, or if God is really putting the desire for another child in my heart.  My eldest is definitely high needs, not in a medical sense, but he just takes a lot of time and energy.  He is always into something or asking questions about something, so he makes me very, very tired.  The other two are very laid back, and all of them are extremely healthy.  That's another thing I used to always say, why would we want to risk having another child that might have serious health issues?  But is that really a good enough reason NOT to have another child.  I don't have any experience with teenagers, so I'm not sure if I can extrapolate that line of thought, but I think it would be exciting to have another person join our family.  Ahh, lots to consider :).