So how do I talk to my young teens s/o

[saraha]

about all of this, partying, sexting, permanacy of internet anything,  when they have no "peg" to hang it on.  We live in a nice, small, bubble here.  They don't have any friends.  They have cousins their age though.  We only have internet on 1 computer and everyone has to share it, so they only use it really to read/watch stuff that I show them, or do school work.  Our phones can take pictures, but can't send them.  No one in our nuclear family has facebook, but they know what it is, their grandma has an account.  their cousins have latest tech, but is not something that even gets pulled out when they are together, they play board games and such and hang out outside.  I can't even imagine having a conversation about this stuff with them and them not having any context.  While this may seem naïve, and probably is for now, not having the technology and not going to school/having a lot of outside friends is in the forseeable future for my kids.  So they could potentially make it through highschool without the technology or people surrounding them to make any of the stuff we have been reading about possible.  So how do they protect themselves and their kids?  This is all so rambling, I know, it is more of a reaction to the article posted in another thread.  How do I explain all of this to them?  And if they make it to adulthood without the technology and such, how then would they protect their kids? 

 

Augh.  I don't know if I am making myself clear here.  What I do know, is that due to finances and atittudes of us adults, I know my kids will probably have a big adjustment in college to technology and its uses.  How do I prepare them?

[Incognito]

I think you show them the articles when they are older, talk about privacy and respect (and voyeurism), and discuss things as they come up.  One quick scan around the interwebs shows all sorts of examples of things gone wrong.  You could surf for those one day (when they are older). 

 

Also, I really wouldn't sweat it much now.  Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow sort of thing...

[Spryte]

I don't have the answer you need, my boy is younger, he's 9.  So this is much more simplistic than you need, but this is how we've been prepping for the teen conversations about the above.  We talk about "no means no" even if his sister said yes a moment before (about playing a game, tickling, fun stuff, whatever).  We talk about not doing things we know are wrong, even if someone says it's okay.  Respecting boundaries, respecting space, privacy, girls and boys.  We have talked about drinking, to a degree, and he is aware that when people are drinking they are not themselves or making good decisions.  I imagine that we will jump off of that point at some time in the future and go farther with that conversation.  He doesn't have facebook or internet that's unmonitored, but we talk about internet safety.  He knows we don't post pictures of him or his siblings online to protect their privacy.  All of those things are not specific to your questions, but I *hope* they will lead to the discussions that will be necessary when he's older.  I hope we are building the groundwork here.  

[hillfarm]

I think that you "might" have a little longer, but not much. By 12, they will hear talk from other kids and may be getting shown more on electronics belonging to others than you imagine. It will be mentioned on tv shows that "seem" to be age appropriate, it will be luridly, if only quickly, shown in tv commericals for other shows they do not watch. Unfortunately, it is almost certain that they will be exposed, even if they have not been yet.
 
With my dd, I tried to make a point of covering natural, healthy relationships first and waited a few months for that to sink in. Then I began to add in other, more perverse things that I knew she was likely to come across. We talked about the desire to feel popular and chosen by others and the drastic measures that desire could motivate. I covered sexting as merely one example. Drinking to show off and attract attention was another one. We talked about how vulnerable those things make you and how anyone who really cared for you would never want to put you in that kind of situation.
 
We covered paryting and internet safety separately. There were long discussions regarding why some people choose to be abusive and what signs could help us identify them. We also talked about personal defensive actions that we could take to make it harder for someone to take advantage of us. Although I firmly believe the saying, "whatever you do and wherever you go, yes means yes and no means no, ", I also strongly believe that there are wise choices that can significantly lower the risks we face. So we talked about what things look like when they begin to get out of hand and how to exit the situation. We have frequently chatted about both the risk to personal safety and personal image/reputation from inappropriate use of the internet and social media.

 

But I don't think we are done. These are ongoing topics that will continue as dd matures and as technology continues to evolve. She is 14yo now. I do occasionally read her FaceBook wall and posts, mostly when she leaves it on the screen when she wanders off to do other things. She knows I do this. We joked around for a while with this, as I would "hack" her account and leave "My Mom is so wonderful! I love her sooooo much!!!" posts. She has actually cautioned more than one of her friends regarding internet safety and unsafe sharing of information. I think she gets it. But I will do my best to stay vigilant for as long as she lives in my home, and even after if she continues to let me be a part of her social media network. The risks are too great in this day and age to just dash off a quick prayer and hope for the best.

[Danestress]

I really have to thank Anthony Weiner for fascilitating that conversation. He made it easy. "Never take a picture of your penis or let anyone else do it." "Also, boob picture are a no go."

 

I guess it's an ongoing conversation. But that started it.

[happypamama]

I started the discussions when DD wanted an email address at age 10.  So I set one up for her (gmail is lovely for kids, btw, because the spam filters are very good) and told her that she could give the address to friends that I've approved (so far, I know all of her friends quite well, although I don't think she's given her address to any of them because most of them don't have email), but I told her that she's never, ever allowed to use her address to sign up for anything (and her email doesn't have her name in it anywhere).  If she needs an email address for something, I have some junk ones she can use.  I also set it up so that my email gets a copy of everything that is sent to her -- so far, no spam or anything inappropriate at all, and I check my email way more frequently than she does, so I can monitor what comes in.  I have told her that anything on the internet is out there forever, and we'll continue to discuss that when she has Facebook or whatever (she's too young right now).  I've also specified that DH or I must have all passwords.

 

I think she did get the "Smart Girl's Guide to the Internet," put out by American Girl, from the library, and those books have thus far been really good -- they give a lot of information in a very tween-appropriate way, but they come across more gently than a parental lecture (so, less "yes, mom, we know" followed by the eyeroll, plus it's someone else giving credence, not just parents being paranoid).  

 

DD isn't into boys yet, although several of her friends are boys, but once that milestone is reached, we'll include s*xting and sending pictures and such along with our other discussions on romantic relationships.

[MAIMOM]

We try to use examples from life around us. When there is something in the news about teens and s*xting for instance and use it as a springing board. "I heard ABC having an interesting discussion on----- fill in the blank, I am not sure you are dealing with his yet but let's talk a few minutes about it. Then I share whatever I feel is an appropriate introduction to the topic. That just keeps topics open for discussion that way when they do hear about things they have a bit of reference and can come to me and share also to get clarification. I always encourage them to ask when they hear things that are new or they are unsure of. You never know where they will hear things....youth group at church, friend visiting a friend of theirs....I like to be the source of info for my kids.

[beaners]

Well, even if they don't have a cell phone or Facebook, I think they'll still be able to guide their kids.  Most of us didn't have that as kids, right? 

 

There are kind of two things that all of those issues center around.  First, if it's not nice, don't do it.  Am I being nice to someone else or am I being nice to myself if I do this? Is this gossipy or selfish or mean? You have nice kids, so I think you're on the right track here.  I think the "nice to myself" part can be really tough for teen girls though.

 

The other side is knowing what the possible outcomes are with behaviors or technology.  That permanency is something that I think most kids, even with lots of technology, fail to realize.  Or if they know that something is permanent, they might not be able to see that in the future they may think differently about want kind of person they want to portray.  If you were to look up my maiden name, you can find dozens of photos of me running from high school and college. That was long enough ago that it's pretty surprising there are so many out there.

 

They might not realize that being in the wrong place at the wrong time really can stick with you forever.  I have been shocked to hear the hoops people have had to jump through to get approved through immigration for adoption for very, very minor things like being underage at a party where alcohol was served. Stupid, simple things can change the course of your life.  But I don't know how to guarantee that a teen will pick all of that up.    

 

 

[elegantlion]

I believe technology is a tool. Like money, in and of itself, it's not good or bad, it's just a thing. 

 

That being said, we utilize a lot of technology. I specifically got facebook so to better understand it when ds might decide he wanted an account. Guess what, he's 16 and doesn't care a thing about facebook. 

 

I realize we probably approach this from different perspectives, but I feel like it's my job as a parent to understand (not necessarily participate in) the latest and greatest whatever in order to insure my son can be guided by ME through some of this. 

 

If college is a consideration, they will need to have a working knowledge of tech equipment to be successful. My college has a site where each student must check in. My classes are all online. I spend a lot of time on the website trying to find out information. Some classes require the ability to make videos. Again, I'd rather ds learn these things under my roof than trying to navigate them as a college freshman and all the other stressors that entails. 

 

Do you need to go all out with sites and stuff? No. But as much as I research curriculum, I research technology. I consider it part of my job as a parent and teacher. 

Part of my reasoning is because there were cultural shifts happening in my teenage years. My parents had no knowledge how to navigate that shift. Unfortunately I had no clue how to proceed through these shifts with any success. I could have used some more parental counsel about how to handle that, even if they were not experienced in that shift. 

 

In a general sense, teaching right and wrong and ethical treatment of all applies across all areas. The biggest lesson I give on the Internet is that nothing is truly private and nothing is ever truly deleted. Speak online as you would in real life and don't share private information with just anyone. 

 

Just as you would tell them not to do stupid stuff in real life, there are consequences, don't do stupid stuff online, it will never really go away.