What do you do when younger, gifted child is catching up to older sibling?

[kdownie]

This is my first time posting in the accelerated forum. My oldest dd (2nd grade) is bright and working ahead of grade in at least half her subjects, but she doesn't like to challenge herself or work "too hard." Her little sister, who just turned 4 last month, is the opposite. She adores school work and basically taught herself to read at age 3. She reads and comprehends on a middle-second grade level. 

 

Today, I was helping oldest dd spell "marshmallows" and she was trying to remember what two letters say "ar". She said to me, "Just spell it please!" and her little sister piped up, "It is 'a-r'." She also helped her earlier by telling her that "o-u" is other way to spell "ow."

 

Oldest dd doesn't seem to mind yet, but I feel she will before too long. She is very sensitive and gets her feelings hurt easily.

 

They are 3.5 years apart. What have other parents done in situations like this?

[TracyP]

What have I done? I am using a different curriculum for one of my kids so the difference isn't so glaring. Other than that...nothing. I occasionally hear comments like, "J is better at xyz than me." I reply, "Yep, we all have different strengths and weaknesses. It doesn't do any good to compare. Just do your best."

 

I was really worried about this too. Now that it has happened, it's not a big deal.

[SKL]

My kids are 3 months apart and extremely different in abilities.  They figured this out a long time ago and they are OK with it so far.  I am careful to point out that each child has areas where she has more natural ability than the other.  Instead of thinking in terms of "smart" and "not smart," I talk in terms of "a good planner" "has a good memory" "notices patterns" "had a clever idea" . . . .  I also assure the slower learner that continuous hard work can be a great equalizer.  Occasionally the slower child gets a higher grade than the gifted child, because she doesn't take anything for granted.

[Mommy22alyns]

I emphasize their unique strengths.  Sylvia might be stronger in logic, but Becca is great in gymnastics, but Sylvia is super creative and innovative, etc.  A lot like SKL.

[retiredHSmom]

I will be honest and tell you that I am very much living this right now and I do not have a good answer.  I don't think there is a right answer.

 

My oldest daughter and middle daughter are 3 years apart in age.  My middle daughter began catching up with her sister when the younger was in about 2nd grade.  At that point they did everything together.  School, Piano, Ballet.  At first I tired to hide it.  Didn't work for long.  Then we tried the "have them do different things" approach.  Different school work,  the oldest quit ballet and started martial arts, different piano teachers.  Didn't work for long.  My oldest isn't dumb or even average she just isn't her sister.  

 

Finally three years ago we finally dealt with it head on.  Middle daughter went to residential college at 14, older sister finished her senior year of high school at home.  we talked directly about how we all have different gifts and really celebrated my oldest daughters incredible talents and strengths.  

 

It was still a hard year, every college break brought fights and tears as they tried to find a way through the awkward upheaval of a younger sibling who has passed the older. The younger felt like her sister tried to constantly one-up her and marginalize her.  The oldest felt like she could never live up to her sister.  I repeated the "we love you both endlessly" manta again and again.

 

The next year older was freshman and younger was a sophomore and I thought it would be easier, in some ways it was and in others it was harder.  While they were both college kids and on equal footing, oldest still felt surpassed often.  My younger daughter is breezing through a hard major like it is nothing.  Accolades fall on her every day.  

 

Finally my oldest began to get what we had been saying all along. She know that we love her for her and that we don't compare the two.  This year has been the best ever.  My oldest has really found her place in the world and is getting her own accolades.  Some of her confidence actually came from failing.  She lost her place in the honors program at school by .1 GPA point and we said "oh well".  I think that when she "failed" and we still loved her and were proud of her she realized that we really don't compare them.

 

I have typed a lot and I don't know that I have given you a real answer.  We tried it all and there was no right answer.  My oldest had to realize that we loved her not in comparison to her sister and not based on academic achievement but for herself.  

 

We said that for many, many years.  we gave them chances to shine separately we did it all "right" and yet sometimes it all seemed wrong.  I do not regret "overshadowing" my oldest to meet the needs of my youngest.

 

Good Luck and make sure to let them both know everyday that they are loved.

[SKL]

I almost forgot about our grade placement dilemma.  (We are not homeschoolers.)

 

As I mentioned, my girls are 3mos apart in age.  Miss A has an October birthday, Miss E's is in January.  Miss E is the faster learner by far.

 

After 4yo preschool, Miss A was taken into their daycare's KG class (a public charter school) because she was determined to be ready for early entrance.  (I did not ask for this, the school pushed it.)  Miss A had been through a round of vision therapy, but was still slow to learn visual symbols.  Miss E was 6 days too young for the discretionary early entrance criteria.  However, she already knew everything in the entire KG curriculum and was reading 2nd grade materials.

 

I couldn't see putting Miss A ahead of Miss E, because of Miss E's intellectual superiority.  I determined that Miss E needed to be accelerated some way.  At the same time, I couldn't see putting Miss E ahead of Miss A in school, because Miss A is older.  Eventually I was able to get Miss E into the KG class with Miss A.

 

Learning to read was hard for Miss A because of her vision issues.  We had to work on those sight words every night, but she pulled it off.  On to 1st grade.

 

1st grade was a nightmare.  I was under a lot of pressure, partly over Miss A being young for the class.  (Miss E was not an issue because she knew everything and kept still.)  Was I wrong to accelerate both?  Should I have let E go ahead of A?  I still think that would have been wrong.  I think that seeing her sister pass her when she was already very insecure would have been harmful.  (This is an individual decision, of course, applicable only to my kid.)  And given that Miss E learned nothing new in 1st grade, it was clear that holding her back would have been wrong.  So I continue to work very hard with Miss A so she can keep up with her class, while Miss E thumbs her nose at academic practice that she doesn't need.  It's not perfect, but it seems the best choice for us, for now.

 

 

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I have a similar situation; a 2nd grader and a 4 year old at the same level. I was worried it would become a problem, but so far it hasn't. They've been reading at the same level for a year now. My 4 year old is a more fluent, expressive, self-correcting reader. He can also read more words that he's memorized and is faster at it.

 

You said so far it's not a problem, right? Don't act like it's a big deal and likely they won't either.

[mathwonk]

remind the older child of his/her role in inspiring and teaching the younger one.

[LEK]

My older 2 are only 19 months apart, they are meant to be 2 grades apart.

 

DD1 is in 1st grade and is working on a 1-3rd grade level depending on subject (1st in reading, 3rd in math and anything in between for other subjects).

DD2 is only in Pre-k but she is already working on a 1st grade level in nearly every topic (except writing and spelling).

 

I am using a lot of different books for the 2, partially because I don't want dd1 to get discouraged when dd2 overtakes her which will be very soon and partially because they actually have different learning styles so different curricula work better for their individual styles.  I also where possible try not to let "grade level" be obvious on curricula etc, things with levels rather than grades work well here as there is less comparison.

[Embassy]

I focus on teaching my kids to accept others for who they are.  At the same time I am teaching them that it is okay to be themselves whether they are good or bad at something.  I occasionally bring this issue up when we are exposed to a person/child with great talent in a certain area of if my child is struggling with something.  I ask them something like "Is it okay for the person to be good at _______?  Is it okay if ____________ is hard for you?  Why?"  

[boscopup]

Your 4 year old sounds exactly like my 4 year old. :lol: I have to hush him when asking my first grader (turning 7 in 6 weeks) a question about reading or spelling. The 4 year old spells better and is starting to read better. Today, he was reading the directions in a R&S ABC series workbook himself, including words such as "many" and "baskets". He sounded those words out. The competition IS helping to push the first grader along a bit, but at the same time, I emphasize how hard the first grader is working and how proud I am of his hard work.

 

The 4 year old? I figure I won't have to teach him anything the next few years. :tongue_smilie:

 

On a good note, the first grader is still better at math and ice skating. :D