How to phrase something to my dh...

[Plucky]

My birthday is tomorrow. Dh is taking me out to eat and a movie. Sweet, I know. He's going to ask what I want for my bday. I don't want a gift. I want something to change.

 

Yeah, I know bringing out the big guns. I've told my kids before I just want them to get along, be respectful of each other, pick up with out being asked... blah, blah, blah. "No, mom. What can we get you from the store???" LOL

 

Anyway, we moved recently and really downscaled our home size. We are reducing gas and utilities. We'll be saving about $1,000 a month. I am thrilled with the move. I love living in town and so does dh. But...

 

We haven't been here 2 weeks and he's started harping about money again. We are not hurting for money. He's not going to realize the savings until we've set up home the way it's needed. I'm really tired of his venting at 9 p.m. at night when I'm exhausted and he's stressing me out.

 

I grew up poor with a divorced mom and very little child support. Money was always an issue and a major stresser and we knew it. So when he vents it really freaks me out.

 

For my birthday I would like him to try not to aimlessly vent about money to me anymore. Obviously, if there is a specific problem we should talk about it but not the way we have been where I'm vulnerable and stressed and feeling attacked (even though I don't think that's his intention).

 

So I need advice on the nice way to tell dh this. In the past I've screwed it up royally and we fight. I don't want that. How would you handle this? How would you phrase this need?

[Kathleen in VA]

I should probably wait until others post first since I usually end up thinking others are wiser, but here goes nothing. How about asking him to *do* something instead of asking him *not* to do something. Ask that the two of you discuss any money worries, concerns, problems, on a certain day of the week from a set start time to a set end time and no other time. Ask him to write down exactly what his concerns are so that if there really is a specific problem you can discuss practical steps to alleviate the problem. Does that sound reasonable or do-able?

[MicheleB]

Because of the hours my dh works, he tends to be a late-night or very early morning "venter" of finances as well. I know it's because he's been alone for hours thinking, and just wants to get it off his chest. But, like you, those times weren't working real well for me either and was leaving me UP all night worrying, while he felt better after venting and could sleep.

 

So I just finally said, "I can't listen to 'money talk' after x hour" and stuck to it. Wasn't mean about it; just said "I can't do this, it keeps me up all night" and suggested we talk another time that's good for both of us.

 

So maybe you could phrase it as "These are the times that are best for me to handle this heavy stuff; these are the times that it leaves me stressed, awake all night, panicked, etc. Let's shoot for those times that are good for both of us" kind of request.

 

Putting it *totally* on me helped, I think. Tell him that *I* couldn't handle it at those times and that it was keeping *me* up worked. He didn't stop right away; but I just said, "You know, this is too late, remember?" and dropped it.

 

And I think it's great you are looking for ways to phrase it nicely to him. :001_smile:

[Colleen]

My birthday is tomorrow. Dh is taking me out to eat and a movie. Sweet, I know. He's going to ask what I want for my bday. I don't want a gift. I want something to change...For my birthday I would like him to try not to aimlessly vent about money to me anymore...So I need advice on the nice way to tell dh this. In the past I've screwed it up royally and we fight. I don't want that. How would you handle this? How would you phrase this need?

 

First things first: Happy Birthday (almost)! I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow. It is sweet that your husband is taking you to dinner and a movie. If he asks you what you want, that's kind of him, too. I think perhaps you need to stop for a moment and savor how meaningful those things are. Don't take for granted the fact that your husband is celebrating your birthday with you. Cherish that fact and thank him for it.

 

As to your request, try to put yourself in his shoes. Imagine if you asked a friend, "What would you like for your birthday?" and she replied, "I don't want any thing. I want you to stop (whatever)." I don't know about you, but that would feel like a real slap in the face to me. Again, having someone ask you what you'd like is itself a gift and I think responding by asking the giver to change "X" is the epitome of looking a gift horse in the mouth.

 

So here's my alternative: When he asks you what you want (if indeed he does), simply say, "Hmm, that's a good question. I don't really want or need anything. Let me think about it." Later ~ maybe it's later that night, after you've perhaps had an evening chat (ahem), maybe it's the next time he brings up finances at what you consider an inopportune moment, you might say: "Ya know, hon, I've been thinking what it is I'd like for my birthday, and I realized something. What would mean the most to me is if we [not YOU, but WE] could change the way we talk about our finances. I know it's important to you to discuss that and I want to be able to listen and engage. I can't really do that at the end of a long day when I'm spent. Let's talk about how we can approach it differently..."

 

Okay, that all sounds rather stiff, the way I typed it out, but you get the idea. It's far less in-your-face, imo, than telling him right off the bat, after he's asked what you want, that you want him to stop/change his behavior.

 

Have a good one!

[nakitty]

Well....I think your timing is off....why don't you just have a nice time with your dh on your birthday....enjoy yourselves...this is something that can wait. Why would you want to ruin your own special day? And, frankly...what you are asking of him is not a gift...so why would you ask for it as one? Save it for after your date and give yourself some time to really think about what you want to say....and HOW you want to say it. Writing these things down helps a lot....and then tell him you have something that has really been bothering you and that you would like to talk about it...but that you need him to really listen and to do his best to understand your feelings about this. All that said....I really feel I must add that I grew up very poor as well and money is a MAJOR stress factor for me...but I wouldn't dream of asking my dh to carry that burden on his own....*IF* there is a burden....from what you say, this isn't the case...so, perhaps he just needs to realize this as well....and then he will naturally calm down about such matters...KWIM? Hope that helps...:001_smile: And

 

[Danestress]

My mother always used her birthday to make me feel inadequate ("I just want you to be nice for the day"). She was a great Mom, but I won't do that to my husband or my children.

 

I would just find a different time to bring up the money thing with your Dh, I think I would be very clear about what would work. Like "I want to agree to talk about money once a week at a finances meeting together" or "I want to only talk about money before 6:30 because our discussions are really upsetting me and making it hard for me to sleep."

[Mom to Aly]

Happy (almost) b'day! How nice that your hubby is taking you out--enjoy!

 

As for the phrasing--I hate to put it this way (feminists--don't beat me!), but I would say:

 

"I would like you to help me with something; you know, with my background, how I can freak out about money. Well, now that we are going to be saving x amount of dollars per month, and we finally don't have to worry about it anymore, I know I should be feeling better, but I am still worrying. I'd like you to make me feel better about it. Instead of me freaking out, maybe you can help me see when there is a real concern we need to discuss, and, when it is just freaking out, we can have a phrase that we say, like 'blah, blah, blah', that shows us we are being silly, and just reacting as we used to?" And if you don't want to say "we", just say "I", then, if and when it happens, laugh and say, "Oh, no, I have you doing it now!", or act like you think he is trying to show you how bad you were!

 

You can even ask that you guys go over the new budget to show how much you'll be saving, although it sounds as though you've already done that.

 

I've always found this works so much better than the, "Honey, you need to change" thing.

 

Good luck!

[Plucky]

Thanks everyone. This is why I asked the question (and why I inadvertantly start fights). I will wait for another day.

[Plucky]

Well....I think your timing is off....why don't you just have a nice time with your dh on your birthday....enjoy yourselves...this is something that can wait. Why would you want to ruin your own special day? And, frankly...what you are asking of him is not a gift...so why would you ask for it as one? Save it for after your date and give yourself some time to really think about what you want to say....and HOW you want to say it. Writing these things down helps a lot....and then tell him you have something that has really been bothering you and that you would like to talk about it...but that you need him to really listen and to do his best to understand your feelings about this. All that said....I really feel I must add that I grew up very poor as well and money is a MAJOR stress factor for me...but I wouldn't dream of asking my dh to carry that burden on his own....*IF* there is a burden....from what you say, this isn't the case...so, perhaps he just needs to realize this as well....and then he will naturally calm down about such matters...KWIM? Hope that helps...:001_smile: And

 

 

 

Thanks for the birthday wish. I do want to address what you said about not wanting dh to carry the financial burden alone.

 

I know you don't know my situation or life and have a blunt personality. I do as well. LOL

 

Financially we are fine. The only debt we have is our mortgage. My dh has toys, RV, atvs, etc. I am the most frugal person I know. I also put dh through college. Now, I don't want to color my dh as a jerk. He's not. But there is really no validity to his ranting and to be frank it ticks me off. I'm no angel. We both have faults. I want his venting to stop and I want to tell him nicely and I'm going to try.

 

Sometimes though nice doesn't work with my honey. I gotta really spell. it. out. I hate that. But first I'm going to do my best to try nice. :001_smile:

[Mx5]

Thanks everyone. This is why I asked the question (and why I inadvertantly start fights). I will wait for another day.

 

When our kids were very little, my dh would vent about $ too. Finally I got sick of it. Like you, the only debt we had was on our mortgage, which was very reasonable. We had a housefull of little ones, and were not able to save $, but all bills were met and we were doing fine.

 

Dh vented about not being able to "get ahead". Finally in exasperation, I sat down with him and said, "Honey, define for me what getting ahead means to you." He thought about it for a while, and said, "All our bills paid, and $10,000 in the bank." I said, "Great! Now let's start aiming for that, and be realistic about our life's stage."

 

Once he could put his finger on a goal, he did much better.

 

And no, we don't have $10,000 in the bank now, but dh has learned that life's success, and his measure of being a provider, isn't in monetary terms. He's 49, though, and I think with age comes that settling.

[Peela]

Financially we are fine. The only debt we have is our mortgage. My dh has toys, RV, atvs, etc. I am the most frugal person I know. I also put dh through college. Now, I don't want to color my dh as a jerk. He's not. But there is really no validity to his ranting and to be frank it ticks me off. I'm no angel. We both have faults. I want his venting to stop and I want to tell him nicely and I'm going to try.

Sometimes though nice doesn't work with my honey. I gotta really spell. it. out. I hate that. But first I'm going to do my best to try nice. :001_smile:

 

Hey, my dh needs a sledgehammer sometimes before he makes big changes like that- and it may be a huge thing you are asking your dh to do, since he probably doesn't choose to be so negative around money. It's deep conditioning, or a pattern, and it can be hard to stop stuff like that, even if you want to. I don't think you can just ask him to stop and he can stop, just like that.

 

The opposite to that sort of mentality is gratitude and appreciation for what you have. So I don't know if you can come from that angle.

 

I doubt it is one conversation you will need to have.

 

I am very blunt with my dh, and he is with me. When he bugs me, I tell him, when he is overly negative, I tell him I don't want to listen to it, once I have given him sympathy and then just want him to get over it! . And the things that can change, change, and I can't control him and he doesn't want to change everything I want to change in him :) and we often have discussions about that too. But at least, we know where we stand with each other.

[Carpe Diem]

I put a 25 pound bag in the freezer. Dh removed it due to needing the room. Will the berries get moldy from defrosting? I planned to put them in a bucket with an airtight lid. How do you store yours?

[WTMindy]

My birthday is tomorrow. Dh is taking me out to eat and a movie. Sweet, I know. He's going to ask what I want for my bday. I don't want a gift. I want something to change.

 

Yeah, I know bringing out the big guns. I've told my kids before I just want them to get along, be respectful of each other, pick up with out being asked... blah, blah, blah. "No, mom. What can we get you from the store???" LOL

 

Anyway, we moved recently and really downscaled our home size. We are reducing gas and utilities. We'll be saving about $1,000 a month. I am thrilled with the move. I love living in town and so does dh. But...

 

We haven't been here 2 weeks and he's started harping about money again. We are not hurting for money. He's not going to realize the savings until we've set up home the way it's needed. I'm really tired of his venting at 9 p.m. at night when I'm exhausted and he's stressing me out.

 

I grew up poor with a divorced mom and very little child support. Money was always an issue and a major stresser and we knew it. So when he vents it really freaks me out.

 

For my birthday I would like him to try not to aimlessly vent about money to me anymore. Obviously, if there is a specific problem we should talk about it but not the way we have been where I'm vulnerable and stressed and feeling attacked (even though I don't think that's his intention).

 

So I need advice on the nice way to tell dh this. In the past I've screwed it up royally and we fight. I don't want that. How would you handle this? How would you phrase this need?

 

I would separate this request from your birthday. It sounds like a recipe for an unhappy bday. :001_smile: I would talk to him about it later and not at the time he is venting, but the next day say, calmly approach him and say what you said here. Good luck and Happy Birthday!!

[MerryAtHope]

Do you and he have agreed upon financial goals, a budget in place etc... that is tracked and followed? If there are guidelines in place, and then anything outside the guidelines is discussed, there are no surprises & nothing to vent or cause tension about. We have a budget that includes an "allowance" for each adult (spending money we get in cash that we don't have to be accountable for), itemized for monthly and yearly expenses (we set aside money monthly for these expenses), savings, as well as money for emergencies (we budget for car repairs, deductibles etc... If we don't need to spend this $, yipee! If we do, it's there, no stress). If you have something in place, then you can ask when he vents, "is there some area where we are not following our plan?" Then he can identify that area and you can address it together, or he can realize his venting is not necessary.

 

Hope you have a wonderful birthday! God bless, Merry :-)

[Tap]

I agree about separating it from your birthday, but maybe just tell him that you have something in mind, but you want to wait to talk about it. Then do some research into a financial seminar in your area for you two to attend together. I know Dave Ramsey is mentioned here a lot, but his workshops may be just what you need. Then ask dh to attend the workshop with you for your bday present.

 

By giving him a goal to work towards that is positive, it can absolutely change how he thinks about money.

 

If you go too, then you will understand the how and why of what dh will now be talking about.

 

If you can't find a workshop, then look into community education classes or other oprotunities in the area. With Google and a little effort I am sure you can come up with something.

 

Happy Birthday!

 

Tap

[Parrothead]

I'd wait until after your party. Let him give you what he wants to. It will injure his pride if you do this on your birthday. Wait a week or so and ask him to make some time to give you a list of financial goals. Then gently nag him when he starts venting. "Honey, I really need that list of goals so I have something to work toward." Once you get the list sit down with him, ask him his thoughts on how to go about obtaining the goals.

 

I say all this because it sounds like he wants to have some control over the money and he wants to know where the money is going.