Is anyone else having a massive crisis of conviction/confidence?

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

We don't start until mid-September so I have some time to work this out, but I've felt this way since May, so I'm starting to worry that it's not going to go away. There are some things that I thought would get easier by now, some things I thought I'd get used to by now, some things I expected to show up by now (e.g., a little more independence on my oldest's part), etc. None of these things are happening. I'm dreading the idea of dragging/forcing these children through another school year.

 

Plus, I'm really introverted, so just having two chatty, extroverted kids around me all the time is difficult, let alone the rush-rush of keeping them up with their friends and activities. You know how you get a sore spot in your mouth or something, and it just needs to be left alone to heal, but you keep accidentally getting food in it or biting it, or just touching it with your tongue all the time, so it never heals? Then you leave it alone for a day it and it feels so much better, but then you start touching it again and it gets bad all over again? That's how my nerves feel. I spend so much time trying to get some quiet or mental peace, but it's never there. 

 

DH takes the kids out to his mom's, or away for a few hours, and that's great, but I don't think it's enough. I feel like this is affecting my ability to really engage the kids--if I just want peace and quiet, I can't participate in any kind of decent discussion. 

 

I'm getting ready. I'm prepping all my materials, cleaning my schoolroom, writing my lesson plans, decluttering and trying to clear my mental and physical space. But I'm fantasizing about private schools. I even talked to DD10 about maybe doing something like Laurel Springs this year (she doesn't really want to, and it's not what I want from school for her either).

 

Ugh. I don't expect anyone to really have an answer. I just needed to type that all out and see if working through it helped at all. I don't think it did *sigh*. (And in the ten minutes I spent writing this, I was interrupted four times and had to reprimand about brushing teeth twice  :toetap05: )

 

Thanks for listening. 

[texasmama]

(((Hugs)))

[...................]

Dive in sooner.  That's my answer for you.  Every time I have my biggest freaks of confidence shaking, is just before I actually start.  I start thinking about all my responsibilities, and all of my ideals and it's just a big mess.

 

Then, when I get started and we are into the school year for about two weeks, and I see all those nice workbook pages filled, and a few light bulbs coming on and my kids' vacation mind mush starting to gel into a nice firm brain, I get excited and realize it's just really not that hard.

 

Also, don't compare.  That'll make it worse.

[MinivanMom]

I am also an introvert with extroverted children.  There are times they drive me absolutely batty with their need to go-go-go.  Sometimes I just want to be curled up alone on my back porch reading Jane Austen alone while the silence presses in on me.  I know that they need their activities and their friend time, though, so I make the effort anyway.  There are a few things that have helped me

.

1. I let dh do the morning routine.  He gets them dressed and feeds them breakfast.  I skate in as everyone is done and leaving the table, so that I can eat breakfast and read the paper alone at the table.  It sounds selfish, but it starts my days so much better.

 

2. I have a 2 hour long quiet time every.single.afternoon.  No exceptions!  The little ones nap and the big kids have silent reading.  I have two hours of blessed silence and alone time every afternoon.  I need that time to refresh before we start the craziness of after school activities.

 

3. I put them to bed early.  The little ones are in bed at 7 pm.  The big kids stay up until 8 pm to read with dh, but I usually go for a walk alone or find a quiet place to read.

[PollyOR]

More hugs.

 

I think one of the myths I bought into was the independence thing.  Independent at 10?  Nope.  More like 15.  I have had to sit with my kids and practically hold their hands and it gets old!  

 

And I understand the introvert thing.  I really do enjoy being alone.   

 

Here's to one more year.   :cheers2:  

[musicianmom]

No advice, just letting you know you're not alone.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I kind of LOLed at the "expected to show up by now" comment. Been there. I was just telling DH that I think I might have to actually design a course for the kids called Common Sense (just this last Saturday, in fact). Seriously though, when I get to feeling frustrated/angry/hopeless about where my kids are in the way of life skills, motivation, or some other elemental necessity for being a successful person, I tend to wallow in self-pity and worry for a while, questioning my abilities as a mother and homeschooler. Then I wake up and realize that their imperfection is just a sign that they are normal human children. :lol: I devise a plan specifically to encourage growth in whatever areas need it. (In most cases, that is just a euphemistic way to say I lay out consequences and punishments. LOL) So, maybe take the next few weeks before you start school and take the bull by the horns to affect change. The brushing teeth thing? We dealt with that. I fixed it by telling them that I would begin reading bedtime stories (everyone's favorite part of the day) at x hour. I started reading at x hour whether they were there or not, and I did NOT reread what they missed. They learned to get there on time, brushed and pj'ed, remarkably quickly. They know what to do. I say once, "It's bedtime!" They know what to do and they do it, or they don't get there in time, in which case they've punished themselves. Whatever. I said it once.

 

On the introverted thing, I have that problem too. I don't know how you spend your spare time and if this will be helpful at all, but I realized a while back that I was a bigger hindrance to my own relaxation than the kids were. I had pretty bad time management skills. I let time slip away and spent my free time poorly. I love nothing better than sipping iced tea while reading a book on the swing or (so luxurious!) reading in bed in the afternoon and dozing off, all comfy wrapped up in a warm blanket, but I never did it. Just never! At that time, I was much more likely to waste my spare time on the boards/Amazon/blogs, or just fritter it away without purpose. I had a major self-care wake-up and realized that I simply had to take better care of myself. And, really, it was less about the kids being home all the time than it was simply standing up for a bit of sacred time for myself at some point each day. I started taking bubble baths with a good book, gave myself pedicures while watching musicals, bought myself fru-fru iced tea to drink while reading... I just started paying attention to myself again in all the ways I'd given up when the kids were younger and in need of constant care and supervision.

 

Quiet time for me does not always exclude the kids, by the way. I tell the kids that if they want to hang with me and read silently or work on a puzzle or in any other way hang out in companionable silence, they can. Two of my kids are introverts, and one is an extrovert, but I think learning to cope with silence and solitude is as useful a skill in life as learning to cope with high energy. In other words, it's good for everyone. And anyway, what's good for mom's state of mind is definitely good for everyone. :tongue_smilie:

 

I also made an effort to put as much of my life on auto-pilot as possible. Wasted time figuring out dinner? No more. I plan once a week and that's it. The more routine is on auto-pilot, the less I am shuffling around wasting my days. I know some people think that regimented days and routines feel stifling, but the reality for me is that the routines are liberating. I've always said our routines protect our free time just as much as they regiment productive time.

 

That's my best advice anyway. Find any wasted time in your life and spend it as purposefully and quietly as you can. Find areas/times in which the kids are capable of leaving you alone (for us, not so much for school, which is still pretty mom-dependent, but out of school) and give them lovely incentives to leave you alone. :D

 

As usual, might not apply. Ignore at will... :lol:

[PeterPan]

If it's any consolation, I have the inverse situation.  I'm extremely extroverted, and dd needs time to herself.  Drives me crazy, because all the things I think up I want to do TOGETHER and she wants me to leave so she can do them by herself.  It's not a very fulfilling way to live, lol.  

 

I suggest you make your psychological needs a priority and carve more alone time.  Also maybe google the boards here for introvert or start a thread specifically with that in the title, asking how people make time for themselves and stay sane.  The way I understand it, it means you need time alone to recharge.  You must be despunked a lot from all that togetherness!  I would probably require even longer quiet times than normal, perhaps 2-3 hours.  Seriously.  The world will NOT END.  Like have 1 hour in their rooms, then 2 hours where you're considered not available.  And then one day a week have "school without Mom" day.  They may not be totally independent, but they can be for one day a week.  We did that one year, and it was very good for us.  It showed us what kind of structure we needed to have more independence the other days.  

 

But just overall lack of confidence, oh yeah.  This is the year.   :willy_nilly:  :willy_nilly:  :willy_nilly:  :willy_nilly:

[KathyJo]

I think one of the myths I bought into was the independence thing.  Independent at 10?  Nope.  More like 15.  I have had to sit with my kids and practically hold their hands and it gets old!  

 

My nine year old works independently in several subjects, so it's not a myth. :-) His brothers did, too. But we do use programs that don't require tons of mom time, and when I'm pregnant, I do say things like, "Go do math while mommy takes a nap." My oldest wanted more hand-holding. I told him to suck it up, do the work, and call me if he needed me. He found out pretty quickly that he didn't actually need me constantly. I did have to force the issue with him, but his brothers just kind of fell into it as a normal part of 3rd grade.

[happypamama]

I understand so much of what you've said. (((HUGS))) Somehow, two dedicated introverts (DH and myself) got together, fell in love, and had five children. In addition, I'm very sensitive to background noise. It is very easy for me to be overwhelmed by general commotion. The feeling of being "on" all the time is probably the hardest thing for me about homeschooling/having a large family.

 

Independence. Haha. My 8 and 11 yo's do a few things independently, but for a lot of subjects, we still all work together. Or if they can do the work independently, they still need a lot of guidance and hand-holding. Little steps at a time: "You do these math problems while I take a nap; skip any you can't do, and we'll go over them later." Doing what they are able to do is what earns them their screen time.

[xixstar]

Hmm, what I am hearing is that you need more downtime than you get. I function this way, I need a lot of downtime to be a functional parent. I used to feel at odds with how I wanted to be home with my kids but also felt so overwhelmed by them constantly, I just need time away I thought. So I have managed to work it out to where usually about 2 nights a week, sometimes more, I am out of the house as soon as dh gets home. I'm also typically gone 1 full weekend day or maybe both (of half of both) on the weekend too.

 

Now, I admit that it is annoying that to get a break I need to leave my house. I often feel I'd give anything to just be home alone, but that doesn't work out with bedtime needs and also dh is usually home doing chores on weekends. So I to get a break, I have to leave. I visit the library, a lot, or just walk at the local park, etc. Whatever, I find it makes it far easier for me to be home during the week with my kids. And it took a long time to stop feeling guilty for "running away" or stressed because I wanted away so much, instead I've found that is simply the balance that makes me capable of parenting the rest of the time I'm here.

 

.... another introvert here too, btw.

[kbutton]

Hugs!!!

 

From what you've written, this may sound crazy, but maybe you could work with them 1:1 for some things and set aside designated chat time that they earn by getting down to business (doing a page of math silently earns them some talk time or a special privilege). I would set timers and train them gradually. 1:1 requires more TIME, but it may not require more ENERGY in the long run if you are being pecked to death with their constant need to be "on" at the same time. Have you heard about the game The Art of Conversation? We haven't tried it out yet, but we bought it (kid edition) specifically so that my extravert gets to have some talk time he can count on, and my Aspie can work on social skills. Also, if they get along with each other okay without supervision, maybe you can let them loose (away from you) with a video camera or some other thing that allows interaction with each other instead of you but focuses their activity (they can do an instructional video, put on a play, be silly for the camera, etc.). Maybe they can Skype/video chat with grandparents, do phone or video interviews as school assignments with people who will indulge their interests. I can't wait for my mom to retire in a few weeks so that the kiddos can video chat with the grandparents during the day.

 

Also, DH and I tend to divide and conquer as often as we relieve each other. Sometimes we separate the kids. This gives them alone time with a parent, which is often more satisfying to them. My older son likes physical work (it's soothing), so we take advantage of that. Working together is companionable (I choose tasks that work well for this), and I get something done so that I can use my alone time another way.

 

I am an introvert with an introverted DH. DH works shift work (shifts change all the time, lots of evening hours) in a job that requires lots of talking, lots of people time, lots of adrenaline, lots of attention-shifting, and lots of mental exertion. Those shifts are 10-12 hours long, and they occur on weekends and holidays too. Guess what he's like on his days off? He's pretty well fried, overstimulated, and maxed out. He is as willing to help as the day is long, but I'm not exactly getting him at his best. :-) The nearest family members live 3.5 hours away, and they are the ones I am least likely to ask to come help as they foster chaos and require as much supervision/explanation/direction as my own children. Believe it or not, HSing is actually less hassle for us than taking them to school (I know, it stretches credibility), but it does wear me out.

 

My older DS is 9, and he was recently diagnosed with Asperger's. His most prominent stims are VOCAL. He is an introvert, but he talks a lot in addition to his stims. Younger DS (5.5) is a bit traumatized from all the craziness. He is our token extravert. Poor kid. He can disappear and self-care in a crisis, but then he has his own crisis later (he's extremely sensitive and caring).

 

What else are we doing? (YMMV)

• Hiring a college-age helper as often as we can work it out. We had a hard time finding help, but we now have a person willing to work for us from time to time. She will watch the kids while I do something I can't stand to do with the kids.
• Easing into our schedules one or two subjects at a time.
• Flagging all of the work that my older DS finds enjoyable or that he can do independently so that I can pull it out on bad days or pair it up with more difficult work.
• Assigning some independent work for both kids, realizing that the older DS's work may not be a quality I appreciate.
• Making back up plans in case my two cannot do their work at the same time. We do science together, but with 3.5 years difference in their ages, we can't do this for all subjects. Dealing with them 1:1 takes more time but is less draining.
• Assigning certain chores to the kids that I pretty much never do anymore. I almost never empty the dishwasher no matter how often it runs. I often ask them to fill it if things have backed up. They put away groceries. They clean sinks and toilets. They fold towels. (None of that started overnight, and they have other additional chores as they come up.)
• We quit one evening commitment. We are making contingency plans for the other one. Notice that we only had two evening activities to begin with. Because of my DH's schedule, if both boys cannot do the same activity, we don't do it. I can only be in one place at a time.
• They have one drop-off gym class each week (nearly two hours in the afternoon). I do whatever I darn well please during that time, and it varies each week.

Best wishes.

[birchbark]

The books Motherstyles and The Self-Propelled Advantage have recently been a huge help to me in the two main areas you mentioned.

[Indian summer]

(((hugs)))

 

I haven't figured out how to balance my needs with my kids' needs for me, but I see lots of great tips in this thread.

 

Are your kids old enough to stay home alone yet? Can you duck out in the morning for a drive to the nearest coffee shop? Sometimes, that 20 minutes helps me to feel a bit ready for the day. Sometimes, *sigh*

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Thank you for the advice and commiseration. I definitely need to implement some quiet time, although I say that every year, and every year I can't seem to make the time. I'm going to recommit to it this year (again!), as well as to starting earlier so we can get done at a reasonable time and I don't feel like I'm schooling from 9 to 6, then starting dinner and pushing straight on through to bedtime. I need some kind of break in the middle of the day!

 

Unfortunately, because of his work schedule, DH can't help too much. He leaves at 8:45 and doesn't get home until 9:00 most nights. He's also in the middle of some craziness at work (trying to work his way into an upper-level position), so I don't want to ask him to help me out too much because he's so stressed, and because he tries to pitch in when he can already. 

 

I'll also check out the books birchbark recommended. I can't start early because we're going to be traveling, plus we have a slew birthdays coming, and DH's schedule is about to change, and so on, but I'm hoping that Calming Tea is right and it will all look less daunting when we finally start. 

 

Thanks again, everyone!