HappyLady Posted June 29, 2013 Share Posted June 29, 2013 I'm worried about my nephew. :( He's 17 and as I posted on here previously, my sister discovered around the beginning of the year that he started smoking, drinking, and doing drugs (as far as we know, pot and ecstasy). To say we were all shocked would be an understatement because this was the last kid we'd ever expect this from. Growing up he was the funny, happy-go-lucky kid who knew who he was and didn't care what other people thought of him. This kid is like my own child (he spent a lot of time with my DH and me growing up) so this is really tearing me up. We just went out to dinner with my sister and her family and the entire time my nephew was just angry. He was angry that the menu "sucked," he was angry over school, he was angry over any question anyone asked him. Normally he was always the one my DH and I talked to the most and tonight we got to the point where we stopped talking to him because everything that came out of his mouth was negative. We're going away on our yearly family vacation next week and he said he was only going with us because it's the "only time he'll be let out of the house." That hurt. He's always looked forward to our family vacations. And I know he's had some of his freedoms taken away because of his drinking/drug use, but he certainly hasn't been chained up in the house. I know teenagers get moody and crabby, but the last few times we've seen him he's just been down right scary. I don't know, do you think it's a result of drugs? Not doing the drugs? Or just being a teenager? Edited to add: Should I mention what I think of his behavior to my sister? Or say nothing and let her deal with it all? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in NY Posted June 29, 2013 Share Posted June 29, 2013 Edited to add: Should I mention what I think of his behavior to my sister? Or say nothing and let her deal with it all? So sorry your nephew is going through this... obviously it's not making him happy. I don't think you have to mention what you think of his behavior to your sister. If anything I would be there if she needs a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. I know if it were me, support would be much more welcome than criticism. She already sees what is going on and probably wishes more than anything she could make it stop. (((Hugs to you all))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelle in MO Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 I'm so sorry your family is going through this. It would break my heart. I don't think it's "just being a teenager." If I was in this situation, I would probably say, "Sis, I'm sorry Junior is acting like this. I hope you know I'm always here to listen if you want a sympathetic ear." And then leave it up to her. I might also say something to Junior along the lines of, "I'm sorry things are hard for you right now. I'm here if you want to talk." I'd totally ignore his crabby attitude and drama (as hard as that is!). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderchica Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 I would assume this is a hormone/mental health thing and not the side effects of past (or even current) drug use. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 Wow. He sounds like a handful, to be honest. You're a much better aunt than I am, because at this point, I'd be telling him he wasn't welcome on our vacation if he was going to act that way. Seriously. I wouldn't want my vacation ruined by a negative, sulking, angry nephew. I get that you love him, you don't want to push him away, you want to be there for him. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with him very likely souring your good time on vacation. Just my $0.02 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 Has he been seen by a doctor/mental health specialist? If not, will your sister take him? I ask as some kids self medicate with drugs/alcohol to treat a mental health issue (some of which can start in the teens) or this might be a result of the drug/alcohol use and he needs some intervention.....much easier to try to get help for him when he is still 17 vs. when he turns 18. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hillfarm Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 I think I would ask him privately whether he really wanted to go on vacation with your family. I would mention that he seemed to see it only as the lesser of 2 evils and that you wouldn't want him to go if he doesn't really want to, not only so that he doesn't have a bad time and also so that his attitude doesn't spoil the vacation for you and your family. Lay the facts out in front of him and let him choose. But do make sure that he is aware that if he goes, he will be expected to not be a wet blanket on the vacation for everyone. Let him know that you love him and that you can tell that he is having a hard time these days. Ask if he wants to talk about it (and if so, let him vent without judgement - only ask for clarification). If he doesn't, tell him if he ever changes his mind and wants to talk that you'd be glad to hear whatever he has to say. While it may all be merely teen angst and drama, I'm sure it seems earth shaking to him. Be careful not to belittle his concerns or explain them away, even though your adult perspective may be very different. It sounds like he may need a whole lot of sounding board and perhaps afterward, a tiny bit of advice. I'm sure he already knows that drugs/alcohol/etc. are wrong and risky. Give him another outlet for coping with the issues that are driving him toward those things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicAnn Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 Has he been seen by a doctor/mental health specialist? If not, will your sister take him? I ask as some kids self medicate with drugs/alcohol to treat a mental health issue (some of which can start in the teens) or this might be a result of the drug/alcohol use and he needs some intervention.....much easier to try to get help for him when he is still 17 vs. when he turns 18. I agree with this. I also wonder if there could be anything else going on. Just from personal experience, abuse or neglect of some sort is often the reasoning behind drug use or negative behaviors. It doesn't have to be coming from family members, but there could be something causing it. Good luck to all! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SarahW Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 I agree with this. I also wonder if there could be anything else going on. Just from personal experience, abuse or neglect of some sort is often the reasoning behind drug use or negative behaviors. It doesn't have to be coming from family members, but there could be something causing it. Good luck to all! I agree. If he is self-medicating a psych issue I would expect a harder drug (like heroin) to be used. But maybe he just hasn't got that far yet. But in general, most otherwise-stable teens who use drugs habitually don't just pick it up out of the blue. Something caused it. It could be something as seemingly irrational as being excessively worried about nuclear war. It could be as disturbing as seeing a friend get hurt and not feeling capable of dealing with the guilt or grief. It could be as personal as feeling he can not express something about himself. If you feel up to it I think a real heart-to-heart would be a good idea. But you need to build a great deal of trust with him first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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