Question about death customs

[unsinkable]

This is a very raw topic for me. My mother passed away May 19th. I will simply say that I am glad our family had a visitation and funeral where I could cry in my friends' and families' arms. I am an intensely private person. Reaching out at this time made me feel real when everything going on felt very underwater and unreal. My father has visited her grave half a dozen times since she was buried. I will go soon, but I'm not quite ready yet. I am happy I have a place to go. I didn't think I would care, but I do.

 

 

((((Sparrow)))

 

I'm sorry about your mom.

[MinivanMom]

Wow, some of the posts here feel so callous.

 

The vast majority of services that I have attended have been for people who were young. There have been lots of young soldiers, my husband's best friend, my baby sister. In my experience families need a chance to process what has happened, especially if it was sudden.

 

My sister was sick a long time, but she left behind a husband and 11 year old daughter. Her funeral was definitely not a show of wealth or to help anybody be depressed, it feels cruel for people to imply anything of the sort. It was to celebrate her life, to mourn the fact that she was taken so young and...I don't know...I can't type the rest of this post, it is too upsetting.

 

 

I agree. I've never been to a funeral that was for show or that made people depressed. Of course people are going to be upset when they lose someone, especially if the death was sudden, tragic, or untimely. Having a funeral doesn't cause the grief; it is already there. The funeral just provides a social setting where grief can be expressed and acknowledged, support can be given, and healing can begin.

 

I'll admit that I don't love funerals. There is nothing as stressful as a sudden death and now I have 72 hrs to plan a funeral for everybody else before I can begin to grieve. I am not a social mourner. I hate viewings. I really hate standing at the head of the room in front of that coffin receiving guests and feeling like every set of eyes is on me. But . . . I've done it. Maybe it was more work than closure for me (which is unfortunate when you are the nearest relative), but the social customs are important. Even if you don't need them, there is probably someone there who does. I provided a setting where people could gather, remember the deceased, and comfort each other. That matters. I am very grateful for the people who dropped everything to be there. I've never felt the need to visit graves, but I know I have other relatives who visit them. They find comfort in that and I want to provide that for them. I would never discount the comfort of those traditions.

 

Funerals are for the living, not the dead.

[texasmama]

(((hugs))) to Sparrow and Sis.

[Murphy101]

I don't discount the comfort of anyone. The OP asked opinions and they were shared. It's not a judgement of what other people want.

 

It doesn't mean I presume it of every funeral or memorial.

 

It doesn't mean I think badly of how others do it.

 

It's just not what we wants or ourselves.

[Slartibartfast]

This is a very raw topic for me. My mother passed away May 19th. I will simply say that I am glad our family had a visitation and funeral where I could cry in my friends' and families' arms. I am an intensely private person. Reaching out at this time made me feel real when everything going on felt very underwater and unreal. My father has visited her grave half a dozen times since she was buried. I will go soon, but I'm not quite ready yet. I am happy I have a place to go. I didn't think I would care, but I do.

 

I am terribly sorry for your loss sparrow. :grouphug:

[Slartibartfast]

I agree. I've never been to a funeral that was for show or that made people depressed. Of course people are going to be upset when they lose someone, especially if the death was sudden, tragic, or untimely. Having a funeral doesn't cause the grief; it is already there. The funeral just provides a social setting where grief can be expressed and acknowledged, support can be given, and healing can begin.

 

I'll admit that I don't love funerals. There is nothing as stressful as a sudden death and now I have 72 hrs to plan a funeral for everybody else before I can begin to grieve. I am not a social mourner. I hate viewings. I really hate standing at the head of the room in front of that coffin receiving guests and feeling like every set of eyes is on me. But . . . I've done it. Maybe it was more work than closure for me (which is unfortunate when you are the nearest relative), but the social customs are important. Even if you don't need them, there is probably someone there who does. I provided a setting where people could gather, remember the deceased, and comfort each other. That matters. I am very grateful for the people who dropped everything to be there. I've never felt the need to visit graves, but I know I have other relatives who visit them. They find comfort in that and I want to provide that for them. I would never discount the comfort of those traditions.

 

Funerals are for the living, not the dead.

 

I agree that funerals are for the living.

 

I hadn't considered it from the perspective of someone who was more introverted. I would never have considered that eyes were on me, the funeral home had directed that the family meet in a separate, private room before the service. Then he was astounded when there was over a hundred people in it. :lol: Three of my grandparents had many siblings. Just getting all of our second cousins into one room would be practically impossible.

 

Mrs Mungo and I are sisters, we are both extroverts as is our younger sibling. Our youngest sister was the one who was more introverted. Our family tends to be excessively extroverted and demonstrative in all things....at least with each other.

[sparrow]

 

I am terribly sorry for your loss sparrow. :grouphug:

 

 

And I for yours, Sis. :grouphug:

[HRAAB]

Something that happened today reminded me of this thread. My fil passed away a year ago today. After work, my dh went to the cemetery where his father is buried alone just to spend some time. He said he appreciates having a place where he can go to remember his dad. It brought him a sense of peace. I think there are many people who like having a memorial place of some kind where they can go, away from the hectic everyday life, to remember a loved one.

[FaithManor]

This is not legal in most of the US.

 

I know, and I wish there were more options because of the sheer cost of burial. Even cremation in Michigan is very, very expensive. Way, way back when my grandfather died, we did something called direct burial and then had a memorial service afterward to save grandma's money. The cheapest casket, a $400.00 model, is now $1500.00. The burial plot was $1000.00, the funeral home services to inter him were over $2500.00. That was the cheapest thing they offered except cremation and it was only $500.00 less! I can only imagine that if those were the prices in 1990, what it costs now!!!

 

That's my biggest problem, the industry. There should be more options for families and some of those options need to be very, very low cost.

 

I am sorry about your sister. I truly did not mean for my post about donating my body to cause you pain. I'm kind of hyper rational about this stuff and do not always come across well, which is no excuse by any stretch. I truly do not have any angst about the services themselves, I am more against the commercialization of the death "industry" and how the grieving are manipulated into spending gobs of money and dragging things out into exhaustion for profit. I've seen it so much since I provide music for a lot of services, that I think I'm getting very jaded and losing perspective.

 

Again, please accept my apologies. I'm going to go delete my post now.

 

Faith

[MinivanMom]

I agree that funerals are for the living.

 

I hadn't considered it from the perspective of someone who was more introverted. I would never have considered that eyes were on me, the funeral home had directed that the family meet in a separate, private room before the service. Then he was astounded when there was over a hundred people in it. :lol: Three of my grandparents had many siblings. Just getting all of our second cousins into one room would be practically impossible.

 

Mrs Mungo and I are sisters, we are both extroverts as is our younger sibling. Our youngest sister was the one who was more introverted. Our family tends to be excessively extroverted and demonstrative in all things....at least with each other.

 

I've planned too many funerals in my life. I've written too many eulogies. Funerals are difficult to plan quickly and far too expensive. I've had funeral directors ask me with a straight face which credit cards (plural) I plan to put the funeral on. I don't know what the solution to that is. Even if you don't value the funeral/graveside customs, I just hope that people understand that others value the process of grieving publicly. I just hope that people understand that others value having a place to visit. Personally, I wouldn't want to deprive anyone of that comfort.

 

It's just something to consider as you make end-of-life plans for yourself and others.

[melmichigan]

My mothers wishes were not honored when she died, I was a young child but even then it I was so saddened. I can count on one hand how many times I have visited her grave, but I have lived in another state since her death.

 

My father died when I was in my early thirties. He died suddenly without making plans so we honored what little bit we knew he wanted. I decided I wanted him buried in a local cemetery because I thought my kids and I needed that closure. We maintain flowers on his grave during the year and put a grave pillow down on the anniversary of his death in preparation for winter, it's a time for me to share my memories with my children.

 

I think in some ways my Mom's death was so expected that I didn't need that link, for my Dad there was no preparation and that link helped me grieve. I went to the cemetery a lot that first year or two.