WWYD? What do I say?

[StephanieZ]

WWYD?

 

This is one of those times I rather wish the old-fashioned rumor-mill were a part of my life. I guess I am blessed to have friends and acquaintances who don't gossip much at all. This is generally a good thing. However . . .

 

I am fb friends with both sides of a couple whom I've known for quite a few years. They have a large family of kids my kids' ages and they homeschool, so we see eachother regularly. I've been very friendly with both parents at various times, and I really like them both. I'd noticed over the past months on fb that each of them posts a lot of pictures of trips, outings, etc, but that they don't seem to be on the same trips/outings at all anymore. I'd actually commented on it to my dh last night, wondering if there was something going on. With my curiosity piqued, I checked the fb relationship statuses of these friends today, and the wife has hers as "married" whereas the dh has his as "separated". Neither has the other listed as a family member. I imagine this could have happened months ago or might be very recent. I know they've had troubles, but didn't know separation was on the table.

 

:( I am so sad for them. This is actually the first time I've been in the position of having someone I consider family friends (with kids) get separated! (I know people who were divorced before I met them, or who divorced while I knew them but were childless). The ones I know who got divorced while I knew them were close family, so there wasn't the issue of not knowing what to say. (I knew what to say -- Good riddance to the bitch!) I must live in a closet, I know, but it's true.

 

I am going to see the wife in a couple hours at an activity that involves both our kids. I know the dh won't be there, as he is posting real time vacation photos from somewhere far away.

 

What is the best thing to say? Should I just act like I haven't seen anything at all? Should I say anything? Ordinarily, when I hear that something sad or bad has befallen a friend, I would take the next chance to tell her that, "I'm so sorry . . . Is there something I can do to help at all? . . . Please call on me . . ." Some variation of that theme is my general response to all difficulties in life. So, my instinct is to say something along those lines, but I also imagine some people would rather noone know, let alone talk about it at all. She is generally an "open book" person, but this might be a special case.

 

Ugh. I am so sad for my friends and their kids. If anyone has any advice, I'm all ears.

 

Thanks!

[magnificent_baby]

I would not ask directly. I would just keep a light conversation as if you hadn't read that, "how are you these days?", etc.

 

I have a friend that got divorced and I have no idea why. I have never mentioned it. I feel that she would tell me if she wanted.

[happyhomemaker]

I wouldn't say anything. If she still lists herself as married on FB, I would take that to mean she doesn't want everyone to know and is probably only discussing the situation with a select few.

[gardenmom5]

don't say anything, unless one of them says something directly to you. I've also learned not to say "I'm so sorry", but rather, "I wish you the best" (or something along those lines. as you mentioned before - some divorces instigate feelings of 'hasta la vista, baby' for the other party.)

[Catwoman]

I agree with everyone else -- just be casual, and say something like, "So what's new with you?" If she tells you what's going on, that's fine, but if she doesn't, I wouldn't mention anything. If you do, it could be very awkward for both of you. For all you know, she caught her dh having an affair with someone else you know. :eek: Obviously, that's unlikely to be the case, but it's still probably best to wait and see if she mentions anything about the separation.

 

I think Kristen's suggestion is excellent -- wish her the best, if she tells you what's going on. Tell her you hope everything works out for her, but don't talk about being sorry or how you thought she and her dh made a lovely couple. If there's ever a good time to be superficial, now is that time, unless you get the feeling that she needs to have a serious discussion with you about it.

[StephanieZ]

Thanks for the consensus! I will do just as you advised. :)

 

LOL, I mentioned this to dh and his idea was to ask their teen daughter next time we see her (as we have a relationship with the teen daughter as well and we see her regularly)! OMG!! Is he insane?!? This is why men aren't in charge of social niceties! Dh is a wonderful man, but he is NOT good at these things! I could tell you crazy stories about things he said to me when we were dating, lol.

 

So, anyway, thanks so much for your advice. It makes perfect sense.

[elfgivas]

i'm going to come down on the other side.

 

mostly, its a good idea to not avoid "the elephant in the room". it creates an unspoken barrier between you.

 

a simple "i noticed on facebook that your dh has listed himself as separated. i'm sorry. is there anything i can do to help?"

and then she can talk about it or pass, as she chooses.

 

and now that it is out in the open, you don't need to mention it again unless she wants to talk.

 

hth,

ann

[Karen A]

I know I'm late on this one, but I too would, at an appropriate time, broach the subject with the wife, like Ann suggests above. I am widowed, and esp. when it was recent I always wondered when I talked to people whether they knew, or not. If someone asked "how are you?" did they want shocking news, or should I just say something non-committal. I personally preferred the grapevine vs my having to outright say that my husband died which was awkward for them to respond to if they had no idea, and weird if I thought they knew.

[JennyD]

I would say nothing, but then again, I'm kind of allergic to anything that even vaguely approaches prying.

 

Asking the teen daughter seems like possibly the worst idea EVER. Does your DH have any idea how lucky he is to have you to save him from himself, Stephanie? Good heavens. LOL.

[Tammyla]

I think it depends on how close you are. If it was someone I didn't know very well, I'd go with asking a generic question as to how she is, but if we were close, I would definitely say I was sorry and ask what I could do.

 

One of my dear friends divorced this year, and I was very sorry because I knew and loved her, and had been there for her while she was trying to save her marriage. Your friend hasn't changed her status and that leads me to think she may not be ready to open herself up to fielding inquiries at this time.

 

The best thing to do would be to listen to what she says and just follow her lead.

[elfgivas]

hi stephanie -

 

wondering how it went, and how she is doing. it will be a tough time for her, whether or not she choosing to speak of it.

 

:grouphug:

ann

[StephanieZ]

Well, I decided to make a point to take time to chat with my friend (it was a large event with many mutual friends) and then just let her steer the conversation.

 

When I began chatting with my friend, she quickly mentioned something negative about her dh that obviously implied that they were separated (something about her having no money for a kid activity bc dh is only giving her $x per week, and the $x is very low for their income, and I've never known them to be on a budget like that at all), so I did ask if they were separated, and she confirmed it and then seemed relieved to vent for half an hour about all the related bad things that were going on. It is a mess, but I didn't make it messier, and I do think she was happy to chat about it. She is generally an open book, so it is like her to want to talk.

 

Thanks again for all your good advice. This is rough terrain, and I would like to help smooth it in any small ways I can. I am glad to know now, too, bc I will stop posting nice/encouraging posts on all her dh's vacation pictures now that I know he is neglecting his kids to play solo. :( Not that I will say anything negative or get in the middle at all, but I feel bad 'liking' all his vacay pictures now that I realize the whole picture. Anyway, I have a better idea what is going on now, so hopefully I can avoid doing or saying things that could be unhelpful. I was glad to get the chance to offer my support and well wishes. In a follow up text, I even used the exact words offered above about 'wishing you the best'. I do hope they work things out or at least are able to coparent well together. What a tragedy for all of them. Reminds me of how lucky I am.