Update #2 - son found birth mother on Facebook

[Rose in BC]

So this is the third weekend since son found his birth family.

 

Remember my boy has RAD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

 

Friday noon conversation between him and me: "mom, you're the most uncaring mother on earth....". Followed immediately by "can you let (his birth sister) and (her baby) live with us. She is in an abusive relationship." I responded by saying "you just said I was a bad mother." His reply? "For me, but she's a different person." Hmmmm.

 

Then Saturday when I wasn't home he told dh that "maybe a trip (to birth mother) isn't worth it".

 

Interesting times here at our home.

[StephanieZ]

Sounds to me like he recognizes that your home is a safe one, and that you are loving parents. I think things are going in the right direction and I hope it continues.

 

My 2c, which I admit is MUCH easier to see from a distance, and might completely not work depending on his personality, is that in the first interaction, when he asked you to be safe haven for his birth sister, you might have responded to the HEART in his request.by acknowledging the implicit compliment as well as his good heart for wanting to help his birthsister. "Oh, sweetie, I am glad you want to share your safe home with your Jane and her baby. You are so caring, It must be really scary to think about someone you care for in an unsafe place."

 

THEN the conversation could have continued in that positive direction, acknowledging his caring, his heart, his recognition of his good home . . . Maybe done some brainstorming about ways to help the sister. Maybe finding a 1-800 number for abused women and/or identifying local resources for her. Maybe writing up these numbers and places on a card and keeping it by the computer so that he can provide them whenever his birthsister is ready.

 

What you pay attention to grows, so if you can find ways to nourish the positive, with you in the role of helper, it will be good for all of you.

 

If you can avoid defensiveness and transform the conversation into focusing on the HEART behind his words, you might be amazed.

 

I know this is very hard to do. I have had personal experience in totally transforming a relationship using these kinds of tools, however.

[StephanieZ]

Oh, and ((((((hugs)))))))!!

[Anne in CA]

Intellectually he knows you have his best interests at heart. That is good. It is not going to stop him from trying to manipulate you, but it is a start.

[Catwoman]

I agree with Stephanie and Anne. This actually sounds like a positive update to me, even though it's probably hard for you to view it that way.

 

I'm wondering how he has become so attached to his bio sister, though, and how he knows the details of her life.

[Twinmom]

I think this sounds like a very positive update, though I'm sure the roller coaster is very emotional for you. Perhaps over time, experiencing his birth family in this way will help him to see the differences in how you are raising him and will help with his attachment issues.

 

Hugs!

[elfgivas]

he may not be that attached to his birth sister. part of the whole RAD and ODD package is inappropriately familiarity in new relationships.

so i wouldn't comment him showing compassion for someone he cares about; he may not even have ever met her other than on facebook/over the phone.

the its not worth it comment is hopeful. (unless its a set up in prelude to him making contact on his own.... sigh.... i'm sorry :(

 

hugs,

ann

[Stellalarella]

I don't have any advice, I just want to give you a hug.

[Rose in BC]

Sounds to me like he recognizes that your home is a safe one, and that you are loving parents. I think things are going in the right direction and I hope it continues.

 

My 2c, which I admit is MUCH easier to see from a distance, and might completely not work depending on his personality, is that in the first interaction, when he asked you to be safe haven for his birth sister, you might have responded to the HEART in his request.by acknowledging the implicit compliment as well as his good heart for wanting to help his birthsister. "Oh, sweetie, I am glad you want to share your safe home with your Jane and her baby. You are so caring, It must be really scary to think about someone you care for in an unsafe place."

 

THEN the conversation could have continued in that positive direction, acknowledging his caring, his heart, his recognition of his good home . . . Maybe done some brainstorming about ways to help the sister. Maybe finding a 1-800 number for abused women and/or identifying local resources for her. Maybe writing up these numbers and places on a card and keeping it by the computer so that he can provide them whenever his birthsister is ready.

 

What you pay attention to grows, so if you can find ways to nourish the positive, with you in the role of helper, it will be good for all of you.

 

If you can avoid defensiveness and transform the conversation into focusing on the HEART behind his words, you might be amazed.

 

I know this is very hard to do. I have had personal experience in totally transforming a relationship using these kinds of tools, however.

 

 

 

Thanks Stephanie. Indeed that is exactly the direction we steered the conversation. My dh and I have a soft heart for helping where there are needs. Our dinner table usually has a handful of extra teens...some with pretty tough lives. I'm happy to see my kids all have a very compassionate heart. Of course, since he told me of his sister's troubles, we are thinking of ways to help. I did immediately tell him that there are ways she could get help and that she can call me any time if she needs a shoulder to lean on.

 

It is very tough knowing my child has a struggling family. Actually all three of my children have struggling families. If we can help, we will.

 

 

[Rose in BC]

I agree with Stephanie and Anne. This actually sounds like a positive update to me, even though it's probably hard for you to view it that way.

 

I'm wondering how he has become so attached to his bio sister, though, and how he knows the details of her life.

 

 

I think his birth mother is telling him these things.

 

We do look at these as positive.

 

He's mixed up for sure and rightly so. Lots of things have happened to him in his short life.

[Rose in BC]

he may not be that attached to his birth sister. part of the whole RAD and ODD package is inappropriately familiarity in new relationships.

so i wouldn't comment him showing compassion for someone he cares about; he may not even have ever met her other than on facebook/over the phone.

the its not worth it comment is hopeful. (unless its a set up in prelude to him making contact on his own.... sigh.... i'm sorry :(

 

hugs,

ann

 

 

Ann, you get it :). It's what we struggle with everyday. On Mother's Day he was gushy with me...later that night he wanted something I had to say no to and the bomb dropped. One hour of verbal abuse.

 

It is a roller coaster.,,you want to believe the best, even though you know it's not likely the case.

[Alexigail]

I don't know a lot about RAD so forgive me if this is something you're already aware of. A friend of mine adopted a child with RAD and their therapist suggested that some of his anger towards her (adoptive mom) is actually misdirected feelings that he has towards his birth mother. The idea was that she was the only real mother figure in his life, and he was lashing out at her because she represented "mother" to him, even though it wasn't the actual target of his anger.

I also remember her saying that there was a positive way to look at it - that he felt safer in his home than he did with his birth family and could therefore process some of the rage and sadness he felt over his past.

I hope that makes sense. Hugs.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug: :grouphug: