Prayer needed friend lost baby and a couple questions.

[Mynyel]

My friend told me today she lost her baby. She was about 27 weeks along. Prayers for swift recovery would be nice for her.

 

I don't want to bother her right now so can anyone tell me how long (about) she will be in the hospital? What will she need besides time? Is there anything I can do for her?

 

Thank you.

[Whereneverever]

If she had a c section it will be a few days, if not probably closer to 24 hours. Will they be having a funeral? Does she have an outfit to bury her baby in? Other kids?

 

You can offer child care, small gifts for the children who are probably going to be upset and confused, meals, ect. You can also be there to listen and cry with her.

 

Does she have Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep there to take pictures?

 

:grouphug:

[happypamama]

I'm so sorry for her loss -- such a tragic thing.

 

The usual stuff that people do for new babies, like meals or errands, would be nice for her. She may not have an infant to care for, but she'll still need to recover, physically, and her mind is likely to be scattered too.

 

You could ask her if she would like you to take down baby furniture or anything like that before she comes home. She might, and she might not. My SIL, when her baby was stillborn, asked my parents to take the crib and all down so she didn't have to, but otoh, for some parents, that's part of the grieving process. I wouldn't assume either way, but if you're close, you could ask.

 

As hard as it might be for you, ask if she'd like to talk, or if she would like to share pictures. Let her talk and cry, and just hug her and tell her you're sorry. Use her baby's name; acknowledge that her baby is real. Especially down the line, in a few months, in the years to come, remember her, and remember her baby. We acknowledge my niece's birth date every year and let her parents know we're thinking of them, and we light a candle for her every October 15. It really seems to mean a lot to my brother and SIL that we remember their baby.

[tammieb]

You can offer child care, small gifts for the children who are probably going to be upset and confused, meals, ect. You can also be there to listen and cry with her.

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

 

I wasn't near as far along, but I lost a set of twins when my kiddos were 5 and 2. It's hard on the parents, obviously. And, in our case, it was just as hard on my hubby as it was on me! So many folks think it's just the mom who hurts, but it affects the whole family. Being there to watch the other children so she and her husband can have some alone time to grieve and heal would be a HUGE blessing to them!

 

And, even if you can't "relate" entirely, just being there to listen is a help that only a true friend will be able to give her. The pain she's feeling is something she won't want to open up about with just anyone. If you're close enough to her that she's comfortable talking to you, when the time comes and she's ready to talk, just be there to listen with lots of hugs and Kleenex.

 

She's in my prayers!

[UmMusa]

My baby died at 21 weeks, and I delivered naturally. When DH went to work the first time after we got home (a day or 2, maybe) I fell apart. I didn't want him to leave me. I wanted someone with me part of the day. When I was alone I cried out loud a lot. It's so tumultuous.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[Lisa in SC]

I was right about 27 weeks when our twins had to be delivered by emergency c-section because I developed sepsis. They had twin to twin transfusion syndrome which also complicated things, and neither survived. Those complications added time to my hospital stay.

 

I agree with all of the above. If you bring food, i really appreciated those who brought easy breakfast and lunch items. we had plenty of dinners brought to us, but everything just seemed so difficult to think about. It was a blessing when someone removed an item from the "need to do" list.

 

Also, if you have this type of relationship with her, let her know that she can call you if she needs to just cry. The grief would hit me so hard sometimes, and when dh was working, I needed someone who would just be there. I had to keep it together for my three young (at that time) children, but sometimes I just couldn't. When I was blindsided, I would institute quiet time, and then call a friend who would just listen. It meant the world.

 

Someone mentioned remembering them as time goes by. That means so much to me. Very few people ever mention our girls now, but it's so appreciated when someone does. The first years, it was especially comforting. I'm so sorry for her loss.

 

It's been almost twelve years, but believe it or not, an unexpected encounter with twin baby girls can still take my breath away.

[JenneinCA]

Right now, she is probably being taken care of by lots of people.

 

I would suggest being aware that Mother's Day is likely to be a mess for her next year and the year after and many beyond that too. It doesn't always get easier with time.

[Alexigail]

When I had my miscarriage, my SIL sent my kids a wonderful book called The Invisible String. It was a way to reassure them that I was still there for them and would always be with them. They are very young but understood that they'd lost a sister and felt very confused for awhile.

I would be sure to keep in touch, especially as time goes by. You don't have to bring it up constantly, but when people acknowledge that I am still grieving and ask how I am it really means a lot to me. Keep in mind that everyone grieves differently, so just being available can be the best way of offering support. Many prayers for you and your friend as she goes through this. It is so painful and hard to talk about.

[Lisa in Jax]

Sherokee Isle wrote a book that may be helpful. It's called, "Empty Arms: Coping After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death."

 

Hugs to your friend.

 

Lisa

[Jane Elliot]

When we lost a baby at 36 weeks, this bookwas given to me by a dear friend who had lost 3 of her babies to congenital problems (at birth, at 5 mos., and at one year.) This simple yet comforting book meant a lot to me, and it's what I give now when friends lose babies.

[MariannNOVA]

I am so sorry for your friend's loss.....it is heartbreaking. My oldest dd suffered two losses late in the 2nd trimester a few years ago. The women here offered wonderful advice and everything suggested so far is excellent. With my dd's second loss, she and her husband did have the photographer come to the hospital, and the photographer was an amazing person and such a blessing to my dd and her husband......the photog will bring a baby hat and blanketfor the photos, but we were fortunate to have a preemie hat that someone here on the board had knit and sent to me, and a barely finished baby blanket that I had been knitting that (sadly) was perfect in its teeny tiny size.

 

One thing not mentioned here is that your friend is going to still appear pregnant even after delivery.....as many women do. Because of this, my daughter did not wish to leave the house for any reason for a couple of weeks. She was still in maternity tops and people (strangers) do tend to ask, 'when are you due?' And similar questions. If you are able to run errands for her so that she is able to grieve and gather her strength for the time that she is ready to begin her normal routine, that would probably be helpful.

 

Also, be there if she wants to talk about her baby....my daughter really needed to verbalize (particularly after her second IUFD) her shock, pain and feelings of 'what happened?'

 

For my dd's first loss, she and her husband did have a funeral, at a cemetery, with a priest, a ceremony, and a burial. It was one of the saddest things I have ever attended, but necessary for my dd, her husband and their two little girls. My dh and I hosted a luncheon afterwards. Dd's friends also were quite solicitous of what she and her husband wanted for the funeral.....balloons, music, etc. Someone has to ask these questions.

 

My daughter found great solace in on line loss support boards, and three years later, she and one of the woman on the board have welcomed a baby into their families, and have visited IRL.

 

Hugs and prayers to you and your friend........this is such a sad time. There is no fast way through it.....it is one painful step at a time.