Giraffe Posted March 27, 2013 Share Posted March 27, 2013 Last week I needed hugs and chocolate but couldn't explain why. Well, now I can, and it really is going to be ok. DD has had a hard time adjusting to the cultural expectations of Turkey. I knew this would happen and it's why we enrolled her in Kindergarten - we thought that having a year in K would allow her time to adjust. It hasn't. Her school called me in last week expressing concerns about DD and her lack of readiness for first grade. What flipped me out was that they were concerned that there could be something more serious going on and asked me to take her to a psychiatrist. No one was using the word "autistic", but they were dancing around it quite carefully. I had already taken her to a special ed tutoring/counseling place that specializes in gifted and learning disabled children. They had also expressed the same concerns. I knew academically she wasn't ready for first grade, and socially she's not ready, but I wasn't expecting them to express concerns that she was on the spectrum. Her father (in the US) was furious, her grandmother was gobsmacked, and I was in shock. I took her to the psychiatrist yesterday and after two hours, a lot of tests, a lot of talking, and a lot of playing by DD the diagnosis is.... She's AMERICAN! Seriously - the psychiatrist, God bless her soul, said that DD's main problem is that she's just not integrating culturally and socially. She has very poor muscle coordination (as 2nd generation Geek/Nerd I'm not surprised) and she's socially not ready for first grade, but other than that, she's just acting like an American 5 year old in a Turkish school and society. We're going to get her some help with how to perceive social cues here, how to understand Turkish non-verbal body language, etc. I need to give her more of a routine (we're pretty free range here and it's not helping matters), and she's going to repeat Kindergarten. We're also going to get her another Turkish language tutor so that she has practice in the evenings and weekends, not just at school (you'd think 8 hours a day would be enough, but apparently it's not). I know the first question out of everyone's mouth will be "why don't you just go back to the US?" Lord knows, it's been on all our minds, believe me. The thing is, DD was MISERABLE in the US. She had no friends, no happiness, nothing. She came here and just blossomed. I know it sounds insane, but she didn't come out of her shell until she was here, and we just can't see taking her back at this point. She cried every morning to stay home from preschool in the US, but here she runs to the bus excited and jumping. That's why I was so surprised at the school's concerns. DD loves school - loves it! So with some work, some time, and some tutoring, it really is going to be ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giraffe Posted March 27, 2013 Author Share Posted March 27, 2013 Every day is a new adventure.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom-ninja. Posted March 27, 2013 Share Posted March 27, 2013 Perhaps the change of her happiness with school has more to do with her maturity, the teacher (as a person), her security in attachment to you, etc and not so much do to with the culture she lives in. I'm not saying that culture does not influence how people feel. I'm just suggesting that maybe her blossoming is due to other factors. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1bassoon Posted March 27, 2013 Share Posted March 27, 2013 What a good outcome. . . .thanks for the update! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted March 27, 2013 Share Posted March 27, 2013 I'm glad you got a report from the psychiatrist that helps you. We moved here when dd was 6. Not too much difference in age than your dd. She had been in the same daycare/preschool with the same teachers and friends since she was 1. It was just a short walk from our house. When we left all that and came here, she had VERY, VERY bad cultural shock. It was difficult for everyone else to understand because she looked American but inside she wasn't. And she was tall so everyone expected more maturity than she had. We put her a year down in school, too. It took about six months until she found very good friends and a very nurturing teacher for her to really feel happy. Your story is interesting to me because I was sure dd's issue was being American and others seemed to think so, too. After we moved here, though, I realized there were some things about her that couldn't be explained by cultural difference. In a sense, dd was happier in the country we lived in, at the ages she was there, because the society was so child friendly. So much love, cuddling, attention, playfulness. Never a cross voice. We know, though, that things would have changed if we had stayed and she grew up there. I am so glad that your dd is in a place where she's happy. That means so much, I know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted March 27, 2013 Share Posted March 27, 2013 Thanks for the update. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted March 27, 2013 Share Posted March 27, 2013 I'm glad that everything really is going to be okay. Heck, culture shock happened to me in 1989, and I merely moved from Atlanta to Boston. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giraffe Posted March 27, 2013 Author Share Posted March 27, 2013 We've come and gone from Turkey ever since DD was born. She actually was here from 4 months to 1 year and her first words were Turkish. She learned to eat solids here, she learned to walk here. She learned to swim here. One thing the psych said, that has been repeated by others, is that we have to stop moving. DH and I are nomads, and we HAVE to stop. Poor DD has been in four States in the US and Turkey since birth. Enough already. I have considered that her blossoming could be coincidental with maturity. But it was so dramatic when we got here that we can't help but attribute it to the environment. It's a more social place, kids are loved and snuggled by everyone, and it's much less isolating. There are at least three parks, a mall, a pony petting park, and a walking/biking track within 10 minutes walking from our apartment. The morning bus stop is a social gathering, as is the evening pickup. We have family here, and friends, and it's just so much more pleasant than the US where we had to drive to get anywhere, everyone is in such a hurry, and there's so little social contact. I know not everywhere is like that, but that was our experience in multiple cities. To be honest, she didn't fit in culturally in the US either. She already is a TCK at 5! Of course I will keep everything in mind as we continue. She just seems happier here, despite the cultural differences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giraffe Posted March 27, 2013 Author Share Posted March 27, 2013 Heck, culture shock happened to me in 1989, and I merely moved from Atlanta to Boston. I sometimes think that such a move (Atlanta to Boston) would be harder than what we've done. I've said, many times, how Turkey really is simply the South on steroids. Especially the rural South. I think my farmer's wife grandmother and my husband's traditional grandmother would get along famously. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted March 27, 2013 Share Posted March 27, 2013 I'm glad that everything really is going to be okay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeindeed Posted March 27, 2013 Share Posted March 27, 2013 I'm glad that things will be okay. I will keep you and your family in my prayers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted March 27, 2013 Share Posted March 27, 2013 I love her diagnosis - American. :D I'm glad you're feeling so much better. :grouphug: PS My dd is loving Turkey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giraffe Posted March 27, 2013 Author Share Posted March 27, 2013 I love her diagnosis - American. :D I'm glad you're feeling so much better. :grouphug: PS My dd is loving Turkey. Yeah, I had to laugh at that too after all the stress of the previous couple of weeks. I'm glad your DD loves Turkey! It really is an amazing place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiramisu Posted March 28, 2013 Share Posted March 28, 2013 Your post really highlights the loneliness of American suburban living. I so much miss things like walking to the preschool or to the bus stop and greeting so many friendly faces each morning. The people at the local fruits and vegetable shop, the fish shop, the drug store, candy store, etc., who we met everyday, were always so pleased to see my dc and find out how they were doing. I'm glad two of mine could have that while they were young. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted March 28, 2013 Share Posted March 28, 2013 :grouphug: :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted March 28, 2013 Share Posted March 28, 2013 We aren't adjusting here either. Hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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