School - Helping to build character or Crushing innocence

[MindfulMum]

I was a little disturbed by an incident that happened yesterday at my daughters school. My 6 year old daughter (our first) attends school at one the areas best all girls private school and I afterschool on most days . We live in a suburb in Texas and hence made the decision to not go with the public school in our area. The private school is 45 minutes away from our home and the fees is high but my husband and always agreed on giving our children the best education we possibly could.

 

Okay so yesterday I picked her up at carpool and she told that an incident happened at recess that was on her mind all day after that. A bunch of girls from her class showed her a note with her name on it and it read "I hate your tiny little butt" and it was signed in the name of another girl in her class (lets call her AA). Now the bunch of girls asked my daughter to write a similar note back to the girl whose name was on the note. My daughter said she would not do that as its not the right thing to do (so proud of her).

 

So my daughter decided to not tell anyone else in her class about it and went back in after recess. But one of the girls from the bunch brought the note up in front of AA and AA denied writing it and my daughter said she believed her. Later in the day one of the girls from the bunch (lets call her BB) owned up to writing the note, said she was sorry and also that actually someone else asked her to do it.

 

Once I heard the entire episode I asked my daughter what she did with the note and if she told her teacher about it. My daughter said that she did not want anyone else to see the note and so she threw it and since BB had said sorry she did not want to do anything more about it. I still thought the matter had many concerning aspects and so I talked to the teacher about it and she said she would not take names but will discuss the matter with the class.

 

I know things like this happen and its not a big deal but when daughter was telling about the episode I could totally imagine her little face as she read and internalized the note and all the drama around it. I know she was embarrassed and sad for this to happen and also that it happened at the hands of her classmates who she trusts.

 

Learning that she cannot trust everybody is an important lesson but I felt that it took away a little bit of the child in her and that made me sad.

 

I am sorry if this is just a long vent but I wish schools and parents could truly inculcate the good values and the virtues which I think are the most important aspects of providing an education.

[SKL]

That is sad, but I'm glad to hear that people fessed up to doing wrong, and apologized. Hopefully character building occurred.

 

My dd is also 6 and she's had girls tell her that she's ugly and stupid. I assume this might be partially because she's dark-skinned, and partly because she's very advanced. It makes her feel bad, but she chooses not to tell the teacher most times, because she doesn't want to cause the other children to miss their recess.

 

I think that as sad as it is, some of this is bound to happen, and we can only hope kids will learn from their mistakes.

[mathnerd]

It is normal that your daughter encounters such behavior in a school setting or in a public setting (like a group class, organized sports etc). Young kids have a way of hurting others without realizing what they are doing. The great thing about this episode is your daughter's positive reaction to a potentially tough situation - great job in bringing her up to realize what is "not the right thing to do" and also to stand up for herself under peer pressure. I have heard and seen so many age inappropriate behavior and bullying while volunteering in my son's classroom - what I have noticed is that most of the bad behavior is from kids with older siblings from whom they pick up all kinds of objectionable vocabulary, attitudes and behavior because it seems "cool" to say and do these things. I think that you reinforced in your daughter what the right thing to do is (though she already knew it) and I hope that she feels good that she was an "upstander" and please let her know that it is always OK to spend recess with another set of girls if someone in her current set starts being offensive. I say the same thing to my DS all the time - I tell him to go and find another group of kids to play with if bullying happened within a group.

 

Our school implements Project Cornerstone from the K level onwards - It specifically works on Respect, Bullying, Helping others, Classroom Climate etc - if there is a similar program in your area, you could research it and ask the teacher if it can be implemented.

[Nscribe]

Learning that she cannot trust everybody is an important lesson but I felt that it took away a little bit of the child in her and that made me sad.

 

I am sorry if this is just a long vent but I wish schools and parents could truly inculcate the good values and the virtues which I think are the most important aspects of providing an education.

 

It did take a bit of the child from her and it is a sad experience for both of you.

 

School is a melting pot, kids show up who experience horrors daily that long ago took huge bits of their child from them, parents raise their children intentionally with different values than those you may have. You are going to encounter parents who send their kids to school to learn the very lessons your daughter did today. Be ready for a bumpy ride.

[jenbrdsly]

Sometimes teachers hold what they call "classroom meetings" where kids can work through issues like this (with our without names). My son's teacher has a system where you can put something "on the agenda" to be discussed.

 

I used to hold classroom meetings when I was a teacher too. One day this little first grader leaned to the girl next to her and stage whispered "THIS IS JUST LIKE DR. PHIL." :)

[aly9712]

A great book to read and use is "have you filled a bucket today?"

We talk about limiting how much you allow others to dip from your bucket and things you can do to help refill your own bucket when things like this happen. I think putting life's situations in this figurative way helps kids understand that these things will occur, no falt of their own, however how you move forward is most important.

[Little Nyssa]

My girl is 6 and in PS. We've had some 'girl drama' so far, mostly about who is playing with who today, but not the outright meanness and deceptiveness you describe. I would wonder if the culture at that particular school makes such behavior accepted and if it might get worse as they get older.

[Alessandra]

Where I live (NJ) most parents would report something like that to the school administration. The reason would not be to get the girls in trouble, but to have an informal record should this occur again/repeatedly. It also allows the teacher(s) to teach some lessons on this kind of behavior -- not so much to single out the 'bad' girls, as to make kids aware that this is wrong and that it doesn't escape the notice of adults.

 

BTW, NJ has some of the strictest HIB laws in the country, I think. So, the culture here probably reflects that. I suppose you would not want to do anything that is way out of the cultural norm boundaries for your area.

[MindfulMum]

I appreciate all of the comments, hugs, support and advice. All of the suggestions make sense and I will surely be re-reading the "have you filled your bucket" book this weekend - we read it a few months ago but this would be good time to revisit.

 

All of your comments really provide me with a good perspective on the issue as I really don't want to make too much about it but at the same time there was something about the episode that hurt so thank you for understanding.

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These forums are my go to place (husband and friends actually come next) when I need help - thank you for your support.

[Guest RachelFM]

We had a similar little heartbreak last year in pre-K when my daughter was being teased by a little boy who kept on telling her that her liked to punch her. Like you, I felt that this was a life lesson that didn't need to be learned so early.

 

A resource I found very helpful was "The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to HighSchool--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle" by Barbara Coloroso. It provided me with some fantastic perspective, ways to communicate about it with the teacher and principal, as well as some exercises to do with my daughter. She and I ended up acting out some scenarios so that she could better react. Kids who are more innocent are often so shocked by bullying behavior that unless they've practiced saying something like, "Stop it! That's not nice!" they are often shocked into silence, which bullies interpret as complicit. Obviously, it's more clearcut to kids that bullying is happening when someone is getting punched vs. the note-writing girl drama, but the book addressed that kind of behavior in detail as well.

 

We also spent a lot of time discussing how to stick up for others who are being picked on, which is a pretty major value to us and also seems to be something that can really impact the outcome of a bullying incident.

 

I ultimately felt that our little experience with bullying provided us with the opportunity to learn the tools and talk about it, and empowered my daughter to subsequently stand up for herself and take care of her friends. I don't think I would have had that takeaway without reading this book. I pat you on the back for having such strong communication with your daughter that she shared this incident with you and that she knows that you're there to love and support her through it.