misty.warden Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Someday I'll have to explain the purpose and philosophy of meeting people and dating to ds. I'm interested in the perspective of the board, which seems to have a much more diverse leaning than the people I know IRL with regards to relationships. I grew up with a strong sentiment from friends and family that one should NEVER date one's friends because of the danger of it not working out and not being able to recover the friendship after a breakup, and casual dating of multiple people at once with no commitment to any was leading guys on. Encountering the adage that one's spouse should be one's best friend seems good in theory, however at odds with the issue of how to get to know someone well enough without committing yourself too early or having been friends "too long" to have the proposal of a dating relationship received well. How do you explain these kinds of conflicting information and/or rules for dating, especially if it conflicts with popular culture? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 I dated and married my best (guy) friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faithr Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 LOL! If I had followed that advice I wouldn't be coming up on my 25th wedding anniversary! Dh and I were just friends hanging out for a year before we started dating. I personally don't put too much stock in advice like that. Situations, personalities, etc are all so very different. There's no one rule that works. I personally was never a casual dater. It gave me the hee bee gee bees. I couldn't think of someone romantically unless I really liked them. And I didn't like the tension of going on a date and not knowing how I felt about somebody. So I only moved into dating after getting to know them really well anyway. Somehow it worked out! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 I am still good friends with my ex and my hubby is one of my best guy friends. I think leading a guy or girl on would depend on what is assumed. If someone is going out for the social aspects like a group date or a fun date with no one having the intention of committment in the near future, than that is not leading anyone on. For example in high school, my classmates knew all the ladies in class has no intention of marrying early. That does not mean we can't go out one to one with any of them for a movie date or ice-cream parlour date. The class ratio was 5 girls to 23 guys. As to dating a close friend and the relationship not working out. It does happen and sometimes it takes time to go back to that level of friendship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joshin Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 The only advice worth following when it comes to dating is to date someone that respects you, themselves and others. Beyond that, there are always exceptions to any "dating rule." As for dating friends, from what I've seen as soon as one friend wants to date, whether they act upon it or not, the friendship has changed and will never be the same again anyway. By not dating friends you take the chance of missing out on the person whom you will fall in love together with that meets the above only rule for dating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 I don't believe in the 'don't date your friends' concept either. Any relationship has risks involved. When you choose to care for someone you risk pain of some sort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Hogwash. I will admit that a male friend wanted to be more than just friends and I didn't and that was the end of our friendship. But so what. He is one person. People make new friends many times throughout their life. I also dislike when people say stuff like one shouldn't consider their spouse their best friend. Why the heck not? My husband is my favorite person. Why wouldn't he be my best friend?! Me too. I heart my husband. I think he is awesome. He just called me from work to fret with me about how he is feeling about his oldest son....he just has to hear my voice to feel better. I love that we can be that to each other. He is my soft place to land. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 I plan to tell my boys to date whomever they want to date. I'll only give advice if they ask directly for it. I don't see why one wouldn't want to date a friend. Sometimes the friendship lasts and sometimes it doesn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Someday I'll have to explain the purpose and philosophy of meeting people and dating to ds. I'm interested in the perspective of the board, which seems to have a much more diverse leaning than the people I know IRL with regards to relationships. I grew up with a strong sentiment from friends and family that one should NEVER date one's friends because of the danger of it not working out and not being able to recover the friendship after a breakup, and casual dating of multiple people at once with no commitment to any was leading guys on. Encountering the adage that one's spouse should be one's best friend seems good in theory, however at odds with the issue of how to get to know someone well enough without committing yourself too early or having been friends "too long" to have the proposal of a dating relationship received well. How do you explain these kinds of conflicting information and/or rules for dating, especially if it conflicts with popular culture? I never realized just how crazy all of that advice sounded until you posted about it. :D Wow, talk about contradictions! :eek: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 I have never heard the advice to not date friends. In fact, shortly before we met each other dh and I both arrived at the same position from the-school-of-hard-knocks: that it is best to stay friends with a wide variety of opposite-sex people and get to know them well. Stay "just friends" and date only once you're thinking it's likely you'd want to marry that person. Yes, if one person doesn't want to do that, it can ruin a friendship; however, a friendship has a foundation that might make it possible to survive it. What I really came to detest was casual dating--too much like taking a car out for a test drive a few times. For my values, it was disrespectful of the personhood of the other. It was like checking out a commodity. No chance of a friendship after a start like that. Casual dating ruined a lot of potential friendships. I, too, would say that dh is my best friend. I think a strong and deep friendship is an important foundation for a strong marriage. So I would say the opposite: date ONLY friends! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ccolopy Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 My DH is my best friend now, but we weren't friends before we started dating. It worked out well for us (clearly!) because we both found it really special and exciting to get to know each other as the relationship progressed. That said, I've never discouraged my nephews (18&21, they've mostly lived with us since 11&14) from dating friends. The only thing I've suggested they keep in mind is that if a relationship or asking a girl out could jeopardize their entire group of friends, they better be pretty sure about it before making a move. They claim that no one casually dates multiple people anymore, so that's not an issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted February 6, 2013 Share Posted February 6, 2013 I prefer to encourage group friendships instead of "dating" in the teen years overall. I will say, however, that I was involved in Alpha Phi Omega ( co-ed service fraternity) in college, and there was a strong unwritten rule that you didn't date your brothers in my chapter. The reason was that we often did lock ins, overnight camping, and so on (we did a LOT of service projects over the border in Mexico, often spending Spring or Fall Break on what was essentially mission trips), and it was just too awkward if someone was in a serious relationship. Having said that, I can think of three, minimum, marriages that came out of that group just from the people I overlapped with in college and keep up with through our alumni yahoo board, so I think the long-term friendships definitely blossomed, and in all cases, no one was surprised. I suspect the rule was more like "Don't make it obvious you're dating a brother, and for heaven's sake, no having TeA parties on group camp outs!" FWIW, DH's chapter, which was at a much more urban university and who didn't have a lot of service projects that involved crossing an international border and sleeping on the floor of a church while building houses or distributing clothing, had a different unwritten rule, which was more like "Go ahead, you know you will-but if you break up, don't come whining to us and expect us to deal with it!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misty.warden Posted February 6, 2013 Author Share Posted February 6, 2013 Thanks everyone, I feel a bit less crazy now. I feel like a little old lady when my peers insist that dating and teA parties are just part of growing up for teenagers and young adults. I like the test driving cars analogy: people are definitely not cars. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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