maddykate Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 UPDATE....I decided to be a support person for my friend during her labor and she had her baby on Tuesday. It was amazing. They called me to come to their home, early Tuesday morning, after they had labored through the night. Once I got there, I was able to see pretty quickly that she needed to go to the hospital. When we got there, she was already at 9.5+++!!!!!!! After a little while in the hospital and massaging her through contractions, she was ready to push. She got into a hands and knees position and pushed her baby into this world. I am so thankful that I was there. I didn't have to fight any doctors for her or anything. Her entire birthing team was extremely helpful and encouraging. I helped with massages and helped coach her through some of her contractions, because she was so tired and needed a little extra encouragement. It was an absolute joy and I am so thankful I overcame my worries to be there for her. Thank you all for your encouragement! Due to this experience, I am seriously considering becoming a labor doula. I have always had a passion for natural birth, Breastfeeding, etc. and after being fully involved in my friend's labor, I realized that I am doggone good at it! :). I have been making plans to go back to nursing school, but this experience has also helped me realize that it isn't being a nurse that I am passionate about. It is helping laboring mothers and newborn babies. For example, among the entire birth team, the job i would want to do the least was the role of the nurse. All she did throughout the labor/delivery was to type on the computer and keep track of the monitor readouts. She did squat on the floor beside my friend to hold the monitor to get a better read-out of the baby's heartrate occasionally. i enjoyed my job the best! So, needless to say, I am doing some serious self-reflecting to help me figure out my true desire for what I want to do. ---------------------------------------------------- A friend has asked me to come to the hospital and be her "doula" during birth. I am honored that she wants me to be there during this special time, but i have never attended or even witnessed another birth besides my own. I had all natural delieveries and that is what she desires also, and wants me to be there to kind of guide and support her and her dh. I have never done this kind of thing and didn't even have a doula when I had my own babies. I am really torn. I want to help her, but I feel inadequate. My last baby was almost nine years ago and policies have changed, I am sure. What do you all think? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritaserum Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 When is she due? Do you have time to read up on current practices and tips to help? Penny Simkin's The Birth Partner is a good resource. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddykate Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 She is due mid-February. Also, she has an inverted cord and that it isn't protected by the jelly coating???? I am not even sure what that means, but her docs have said she has the go ahead to deliver vaginally but they will be watchful for any issues. She feels like it is going to be an uphill battle to be able to have the baby without a lot of interventions and wants someone there to help her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbmamaz Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 i would spend more time talking to her about what she envisions. it sounds like part of it is just to be aggressive with the docs and nurses about no, she does NOT need pitocin or pain meds. often a woman just needs someone to stay with her and focus on her and stay calm, to pick up on her cues and make her feel safe to express herself Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavender's green Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I'd approach this carefully. If she wants a doula who will advocate for her, she should hire a professional one who does this all the time and won't be in the hospital staff's way if there's an issue (and it sounds like they're expecting issues). If she just wants a friend for moral support, then go ahead and do that. But if you guys aren't clear on what the expectations are, it could be hard on your friendship. You wouldn't want her to blame you for a perceived misstep or undesirable interventions. I think that her asking for an all-out doula from someone with a minimal birthing background is...unrealistic, especially with the birth coming up so soon. Asking for a dear friend to be present is completely different in terms of expectations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddykate Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 I'd approach this carefully. If she wants a doula who will advocate for her, she should hire a professional one who does this all the time and won't be in the hospital staff's way if there's an issue (and it sounds like they're expecting issues). If she just wants a friend for moral support, then go ahead and do that. But if you guys aren't clear on what the expectations are, it could be hard on your friendship. You wouldn't want her to blame you for a perceived misstep or undesirable interventions. I think that her asking for an all-out doula from someone with a minimal birthing background is...unrealistic, especially with the birth coming up so soon. Asking for a dear friend to be present is completely different in terms of expectations. She had a doula scheduled to come with her, but the doula ended up having to move out of state last month. There are no other doulas in our small town or neighboring towns that we know of. From what she is saying, she just wants someone there with her that has been there/ done that...this is her first baby, she has no family around, she and her dh are pretty young, and she wants a mother type figure there with her. I feel completely comfortable helping her with positions, ideas to ease discomfort, things like that. I really don't like the idea of having to be aggressive with docs/nurses. I also feel slightly uncomfortable with being present at such an intimate time for the two of them. When I had our babies, I wanted only my dh to be with me. No one else. So, that also makes me a little uneasy because I feel that I am intruding on that even though she says she is 100% positive she wants me to be there. I don't know... I have lots to think about. I told her I would talk to my dh and think on it for a few days and let her know really soon. Any other advice or ideas for me that I may not be considering? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rgrin Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 My first response just disappeared into cyber-space. :glare: Okay... long story short... Bad first birth. Horrible position (elbow-first with cord wrapped around neck and bent arm). :svengo: Scary drugs became necessary. DH was clueless. I was scared. Midwife busy and not around. Uncaring nurses. Doula was helpful and encouraging. Doula arrived at second birth 10 minutes late. :sad: No issues. DH still a bit lost. Wonderful midwife served as "doula". Old, white-haired lady, had 6 kids (naturally, of course), never left room as I was only labor patient that night. Encouraging with, "You can do this. You're almost there. I'm so blessed to be here tonight to be with you; I don't ever see natural labors anymore!" I totally understand you're friend's desire. She doesn't need someone to protect her from the "evil" nurses and doctors or explain complex medical jargon to her. She doesn't need you to take the place of her husband, though she cannot know how well he will handle the situation. What she needs is someone she can trust, someone who can be strong and encouraging when she is at her weakest and most scared. You're not new at this. You know when to back off and let her and her DH have some space. I think you can and should help her if possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbmamaz Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 i am pretty sure i've seen studies that said just having one person there specifically for the mother really helps labor. husbands just arent that good at it cuz they have their own fears going on. i would be honored! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritaserum Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 In that situation, I would ask things like: "Do you understand what's happening?" "Do you have any questions about what they want to do?" "Are you comfortable with them doing _____?" "Do you want them to do/not do _______?" "Is it still important to you that they do/don't do ______?" She then has the opportunity speak for herself by saying yes or no. Most laboring moms can manage a yes or no even if they can't manage a whole sentence. If you speak loudly in front of the staff, they can know to listen for her response. I've found that this works much better than speaking FOR a woman. Her husband has much more leeway when it comes to being pushy. I'm a private birther, too, but I did choose to have a doula for three of my six births. My last one was with just my husband, but it was great--even though it was a hospital birth (our previous four were born at home). Dh knew what was really important to me and he knew to ask me questions like the above. Even when he didn't understand what was going on, he knew that asking one of these questions would let him and the staff know if I was ok with something or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 I have been present for 3 births - and I am *not* a doula or midwife. The first was a dear friend, who just wanted support. I thought she was nuts, as I've never given birth, but I read up a lot, attended birthing classes with her, and we got really clear about expectations and what she wanted/didn't want, and how I could help. It was a good experience. I was also present for the labor/delivery of both my kiddos - at their birthmoms' request. Again, we read up a lot together, attended birthing classes, and got really clear on expectations. We talked (well, I did) about it being totally okay for me to skedaddle, too, if she wanted privacy, that my feelings would not be hurt, and this was all about her. ...In the end, both birthmoms opted for me to stay the entire time. One c-section, one vaginal birth. Vaginal birth was a bit frightening, as DD wasn't breathing and had cord issues, but I stayed with birthmom and focused on her since she was essentially abandoned by all staff at that point. (DH was with DD and co.) Your friend is probably looking for an advocate, someone she trusts, and she trusts you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 If all she wants is a caring friend to help calm her, help her think straight, etc., I would do it. However, I would have more than one conversation (with her DH present) clarifying that you would not know what to advise if an emergency occurred. You would not want her going into this thinking that you would be able to advocate for her in a situation where doctors wanted to do "X" and you think they should try "Y" first like a trained doula would. Especially since she has been meeting with a trained meeting beforehand, I would make it clear that you are mostly there for encouragement. When there is a difficulty with a birth, it is common for moms to go over and over it in their head to try to figure out what could have been done differently. Setting these expectations ahead of time will help preserve your friendship in the event something does go wrong. It is a great honor that she is asking you. When I had my babies, I did not need much instruction, but I was comforted by my midwives' touch. My husband's presence was the most comforting, but his touch felt too firm. When the midwife touched my hand, it felt like my mom was there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddykate Posted February 21, 2013 Author Share Posted February 21, 2013 Update is at the top! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 That is awesome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavender's green Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Awesome! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veritaserum Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Great update! I enjoyed my work as a doula. On call life is hard, but the births themselves were very cool to attend. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hilltop Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 How wonderful! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 :hurray: Thanks for the update Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melbotoast Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 What a cool experience :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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