kalanamak Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 I don't know anyone who has ever cheated in a good, strong marriage. I know weak marriages where the affair provided a safe out. I know a wonderful man who cheated when he was drunk. His wife, who he loved, stuck by him, sold her ancestral property to pay for the lawsuit the other woman brought, and then stuck by him through a nasty cancer and death. She has never remarried, despite being talented and gorgeous (was runner up in the state beauty contest), and well off with his life insurance. She even went back to work. I only talked to her directly about it once. She said: I love him, and our teens need us together. The rest is not so important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 I think you missed the point I was trying to make. Upthread, there was quite a bit of noise about steak vs. burger. I personally believe that having an affair is a character issue. The behavior of the other spouse never justifies an affair. Not nagging, not witholding sex, not becoming unattractive........... I know I didn't make those particular remarks (hell, I am probably a burger). But, I wasn't try to shift any blame. I was saying in the marriages I knew of personally, if the marriage eventually ended then the marriage had been over long before the affair. It doesn't matter why. The marriages in those cases that I know of had not been a real investment and partnership for a long time. The affair was just a good excuse to finally end it. And these are people I really know and care about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 Actually one of by best friends did. She will flat out tell you that her husband was amazing. She says that was part of 'her' problem. She was bored. He worshiped the ground she walked on. Fabulous father, attentive husband, funny, handsome, articulate, educated. They were together since they were teens and she had only been with the one man. She says that she had 'boundary' issues and that it was 100% her. She feels that she gets too close to people and doesn't create proper boudaries, thus when someone started showing her attention...she didn't stop it when she should have. I suspect it happens more than people want to admit. Because if you admit that then it means your mate could do it to you even though you have done your best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 I know I didn't make those particular remarks (hell, I am probably a burger). But, I wasn't try to shift any blame. I was saying in the marriages I knew of personally, if the marriage eventually ended then the marriage had been over long before the affair. It doesn't matter why. The marriages in those cases that I know of had not been a real investment and partnership for a long time. The affair was just a good excuse to finally end it. And these are people I really know and care about. This is what I have witnessed as well. I do not know of any fabulous marriages where everything was perfect and then one spouse suddenly cheats for no apparent reason. Sure, the adultery might be the straw that broke the camel's back and the thing that spurs one spouse or the other to actually leave. But there are always problems before that happens. It is NOT a justification for the adultery but to act like adultery happens in a vacuum is naive at best and dishonest at worst. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 But there are always problems before that happens. It is NOT a justification for the adultery but to act like adultery happens in a vacuum is naive at best and dishonest at worst. Always is a big word. I knew a professional man approaching retirement who found out that five years earlier his slightly younger and beloved wife (they were a very sweet pair) had had a fling. It was a few meetings with a youngerish man over a few months and once the fire diminished, she decided it was wrong and stopped. She told her husband 5 years later because "she hated keeping this secret, but had so feared losing him she'd waited until some years had passed." The man was a bit befuddled and wanted to divorce in the heat of the sting, but I asked him if splitting up ALL they had, the visits with grandkids, the whole mess was worth it and to please think long on this. He never came back to see me as a patient, but they stayed married. One element that may have helped him stay is that it was not a generally known thing. He didn't have to face his neighbors knowing. I think a bit of pure lust and thrill is NOT a rare, rare thing, and I urge you to accept that while you might never dream of such a thing, there are people with different psychological make-ups who could, and still not be evil, rotten, hurtful people. I say this a person who spent years in a small town listening to unhappy people who didn't know where to turn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Actually one of by best friends did. She will flat out tell you that her husband was amazing. She says that was part of 'her' problem. She was bored. He worshiped the ground she walked on. Fabulous father, attentive husband, funny, handsome, articulate, educated. They were together since they were teens and she had only been with the one man. She says that she had 'boundary' issues and that it was 100% her. She feels that she gets too close to people and doesn't create proper boudaries, thus when someone started showing her attention...she didn't stop it when she should have. Ok. But I wouldn't define that as a "good, strong marriage" when one person has OBVIOUS psychological issues. If you cheat because you're "bored," you are pretty immature. If you cheat because you have "boundary issues," you need THERAPY immediately. I'm sorry but saying your BF cheated because she has boundary issues makes it sound like she didn't know where her private bits began and ended when in relation to another human being. And that makes her sound like an idiot. It would be difficult to have a good, strong marriage with an idiot. It sounds like your BF has a great DH. But he surely doesn't have the same in return so it's not really a great marriage. A great marriage is great for BOTH people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 27, 2013 Author Share Posted January 27, 2013 Ok. But I wouldn't define that as a "good, strong marriage" when one person has OBVIOUS psychological issues. If you cheat because you're "bored," you are pretty immature. If you cheat because you have "boundary issues," you need THERAPY immediately. I'm sorry but saying your BF cheated because she has boundary issues makes it sound like she didn't know where her private bits began and ended when in relation to another human being. And that makes her sound like an idiot. It would be difficult to have a good, strong marriage with an idiot. It sounds like your BF has a great DH. But he surely doesn't have the same in return so it's not really a great marriage. A great marriage is great for BOTH people. Maybe she is a great person but that is her great weakness. I don't think it is an unforgivable sin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Maybe she is a great person but that is her great weakness. I don't think it is an unforgivable sin. I see. Cheating because she's bored isn't an unforgivable sin but your ex cheating was? :confused1: :confused1: :confused1: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Punks in Ontario Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 I had to think about this for a while. I could think of three relationships that started out as affairs. Two didn't last to long after the couples left their original spouses. The third one is still together 3 or 4 years later and I understand they're thinking about getting married. It's a third relationship for him and a second for her. That puts me at 33% for the pole. I'm looking at another family that's currently breaking up because of another guy. I wouldn't bet on this relationship lasting too long (as in week, or maybe a few months tops). That would put me down to 25% if my predication is true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 Ok. But I wouldn't define that as a "good, strong marriage" when one person has OBVIOUS psychological issues. If you cheat because you're "bored," you are pretty immature. If you cheat because you have "boundary issues," you need THERAPY immediately. I'm sorry but saying your BF cheated because she has boundary issues makes it sound like she didn't know where her private bits began and ended when in relation to another human being. And that makes her sound like an idiot. It would be difficult to have a good, strong marriage with an idiot. It sounds like your BF has a great DH. But he surely doesn't have the same in return so it's not really a great marriage. A great marriage is great for BOTH people. lol no she doesn't have psychological issues. she gave into a physical attraction. she has been completely open with those closest to her about the relationship. She is just one of the people in this world who kinda has/Had it all. She will tell u she was only challenged by one class in her entire decorate program. She is very, smart and has an amazing memory. She was valedictorian of her huge senior class, went to college on scholarships. She is tall and beautiful. Naturally talented athlete who enjoys working out and eating healthy. She got married to her teenage sweetheart. They had kids after she finished college and got pg with both kids on the first try. Even her labors were easy and under 5 hours start to finish. She has a very lucrative career that she adores. Honestly she is one of those people who never get sick. She grew up Christian and didn't ever have a wild time in life of pushing boundaries. She didn't e en have a sip of alcohol until she was in her mid twenties. I could go on and on....she is just one of those people that gets what she wants and isn't afraid to plan and work for success. Things that are a challenge for most people aren't a challenge for her. That is part of the boredom for her. Her life is/was wonderful and she knew what she was throwing away. She nor any of us that know her fail to see the situation for what it was. She accepts 100% of her responsibility of the affair. As far as the last coment about the marriage being great for both people...after the initail sting was over, and some couceling had occured.he was willing to fogive and move on. I am guessing that that meant he felt they had a strong enough marriage to weather the affair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 I see. Cheating because she's bored isn't an unforgivable sin but your ex cheating was? :confused1: :confused1: :confused1: For me, with my particular husband at that time, with the history of our relationship, yes there did come a point where I could not stay married to him. That doesn't mean I think all acts of adultery are unforgivable. There is a lot to it and I think everyone has heard enough about my past marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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