Word Nerd Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 Is there any hope for a compulsive/habitual liar to ever change, or is it likely to be a lifelong issue? Right now, the outlook for a healthy relationship with anyone seems rather hopeless for this young adult in our family, as when his lies are challenged--by parents, other relatives, teachers, and peers--he firmly, passionately denies he is lying. It's been this way since he was a child. He has never been diagnosed with any personality disorder or other mental health issue that lying would be a symptom of. I don't know whether he believes what he's saying or if in his mind saying something makes it true, but sometimes I wonder. It's most often to get attention--either "I'm so awesome" or "I have such a miserable life that you should pity me" types of lies, many of which are so over the top and obviously untrue that they insult the listener's intelligence. Sometimes the lies aren't self-serving and seem like lying for the sake of lying. I don't really know why I'm posting this. I wish those who love him and care about his future could make him understand that he does have a problem and that he would get help. I don't even know what "help" would entail, though. Thanks for listening, anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 As long as he's getting some sort of pay off, I don't think he will see any reason to change. The negatives have to vastly outweigh the postives...and even then, you state he's a young adult, and has been this way from childhood. I don't think that he'll give it up completely...my fear is that he'd simply get *better* at it...lies will become more subtle, more believable, etc. I'd honestly tread w/caution. He'd def need some sort of mental health help, be it psychologist/psychiatrist, figure out what his motivation is for this behaviour, and then work to overcome it. My feeling is it would take a lot of effort on his part, and he'd need some terribly serious motivation to pursue it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 Honestly, I have known a few people like this, but they are Borderline Personality Disorders. They believe that it doesn't matter if you get caught in a silly lie; you can always explain it away. Unfortunately one of these people is the mother of my step dd. I think you need big guns professional help for this. Not the garden variety counselor who has a nice little office by the hospital, but a full on behavioral therapist with LOTS of experience in this particular area. It would be worth the investment if your insurance won't pay for it, because I can tell you that such a person in my family circle made life HEL* at times. If the person who lies constantly is in your immediate family, the suffering you would deal with over the years would make the money seem like nothing. Really, I have been through so much trying to explain to my dd that her mother is not really going to... did not really send it... I am probably going to have to explain this stuff to my grand kids.... Really I would find someone who can deal with it and pay them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 Sorry, double post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 I would agree with professional assesment. It might be he is afriad of reality so creates his own, or he truly doesn't know what is the truth. next, I would believe NOTHING he says (it would be best if no one else in the family does either.). he has to "prove" what he says - even if it is a second individual of verified veracity vouching for him. If it makes things difficult for him, so much the better. the point is to make it so he gets no worthwhile payoff from lying. eta: the application of the boy who cried wolf. no one believed him EVEN when he told the truth because he was known for lying. so even if you *know* he is telling the truth, he has to prove it because he is so well known for his lies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 {{hugs}} It depends on the etyology - the origin of the problem. Some lying can be changed - some can not (yet, using currently known methods). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 Is there any hope for a compulsive/habitual liar to ever change, or is it likely to be a lifelong issue? Right now, the outlook for a healthy relationship with anyone seems rather hopeless for this young adult in our family, as when his lies are challenged--by parents, other relatives, teachers, and peers--he firmly, passionately denies he is lying. It's been this way since he was a child. He has never been diagnosed with any personality disorder or other mental health issue that lying would be a symptom of. I don't know whether he believes what he's saying or if in his mind saying something makes it true, but sometimes I wonder. It's most often to get attention--either "I'm so awesome" or "I have such a miserable life that you should pity me" types of lies, many of which are so over the top and obviously untrue that they insult the listener's intelligence. Sometimes the lies aren't self-serving and seem like lying for the sake of lying. I don't really know why I'm posting this. I wish those who love him and care about his future could make him understand that he does have a problem and that he would get help. I don't even know what "help" would entail, though. Thanks for listening, anyway. I will relate my own personal experience of having a compulsive liar in my life. Like your family member, the compulsive liar in my life started lying early in childhood (age six) and has continued throughout her life of over fifty years now. Like your example, she lies to fit in and feel important or to cast herself as a victim and elicit sympathy and some of the lies seem to serve no purpose whatsoever. When confronted, she would deny she was lying, respond in anger with something like "I won't say anything since I can't say the right thing," or tell yet another lie in effort to make original lie more credible. My relative was indeed diagnosed as mentally ill in her late 30s/early 40s after burning through three marriages and finding herself with no means of support, but I am not sure whether or how much the compulsive lying is related to the mental illness since my first memory of the compulsive lying was when she was in first grade. A few years ago, certain events caused me to decide to confront her gently about the lying, particularly lying or exaggerating of medical symptoms. I reminded her of boy who cried wolf. I also explained to her that there are many ways to enter a conversation without making up a story. For example, if someone states that they are frustrated with the additional post 9-11 air travel security measures, you do not need to claim that TSA did a strip search and anal cavity check on you because you could not remember how to turn on digital camera. [she actually told the TSA story.] Now I regret confronting her about the lies. She still holds grudge against me and repeatedly makes snarky passive aggressive comments. I've told her that I will not discuss medical issues with her unless she signs consent for me to get information directly from her doctor. Guess what she started doing after that? Exaggerating both her dogs' medical symptoms in effort to gain sympathy. My husband calls it "Munchausen by puppy." When she starts with the sick dog stories, my first question is what has the vet diagnosed. She was telling me phony stories of serious dog illness when my own beloved dog was dying from devastating neurological damage caused by adverse reaction to powerful antibiotic. Even after 50 plus years, I still find the lying troublesome. I can feel sympathy for her at a distance, but when I am there in person listening to what I know or suspect are lies, I can only feel irritated because I feel that I am being manipulated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 Even after 50 plus years, I still find the lying troublesome. I can feel sympathy for her at a distance, but when I am there in person listening to what I know or suspect are lies, I can only feel irritated because I feel that I am being manipulated. {{hugs}} Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted January 7, 2013 Author Share Posted January 7, 2013 Thank you for the feedback, and thanks for sharing your story, annandatje. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 I agree with others who say to proceed with caution and skepticism. I am sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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