mean 2.5 year old son

[MedicMom]

I have a bright, extremely verbal 2.5 year old. By verbal, I mean he has been speaking in complete, complex sentences since he was 18 months. He recognizes all letters, knows most of the sounds and is starting to blend sounds to read. He can count to thirty with 1:1 correspondance, knows all colors and shapes and basic fractions. His current obsession is rocketships and the solar system.

 

Here is my issue: he is horrible to age mates. He does fine with older kids but not toddlers. He becomes frustrated when they don't talk to him or speak in one or two word sentences, because he thinks everyone should be able to carry on a conversation with him. I've had to stop letting him go to Sunday School because he pushes, hits and bites when bored, which is all the time. He bit my 3-year-old nephew the other day because he was mad that my nephew didn't know or care what a rocketship is. My son is verbal enough to tell me that he gets mad because his same age cousins won't talk to him.

Yet he is always gentle and loving towards his infant sister and gets along great with older kids. I am at a loss what to do. I hate being the mom of the kid who can't behave, but no amount of discipline seems to help. He stays with my mom while I work, and my two year old nephew is living with her, so strict seperation is impossible. That particular nephew has some delays, and my toddler gets unduly frustrated with him. I have asked my mom to watch them closely, but she can't always. I am looking for a preschool for the fall, but I am afraid that will be a disaster too.

[Dmmetler]

That was a hard age for my DD, because she couldn't understand that kids her age weren't interested in what she was interested in and literally COULDN'T talk to her at her level. It was right about age 2, in fact, that we first had her tested. She wasn't aggressive-rather, she'd withdraw and become very teary and morose, but it was the same reason. As the evaluator put it, she was literally being bored to tears. Your son is literally being bored to aggression. He's not "mean". He's trying to communicate with others and feels shut out. The only difference is that such behavior is accepted, or more accepted, from 2 yr olds who can't talk yet-but often isn't accepted from 2 yr olds who act more like a 3-4 yr old. Asynchronous development stinks.

 

The answer is to, at this point in time, not ask him to adapt to other toddlers, and don't ask other toddlers to adapt to him. Neither is capable yet. Keep him with older kids. If you can find a child care arrangement that lets him be in a multi-age setting, that's going to be a better fit-as would one where he's the sole child. This gets MUCH easier, IME, at age 3 because of the way most states word their daycare requirements.

 

And regardless, take a deep breath and remember-this too shall pass. His age-mates probably won't ever "catch up" to him. But in a few years, they'll have the verbal skills and he'll have the social skills such that they can at least find enough common ground to get along for short periods of time, even if they're not his favorite playmates. He'll find other ways to vent frustration besides biting and hitting. And, he'll find that even if other kids aren't as academically smart as he is, there are other kids out there who enjoy some of the same things he does and that they can be friends, at least in that context. And chances are high that eventually he'll find actual peers (again, possibly just in one area at a time, but still peers) who he can relate to on that deeper level he's trying to find now and failing.

 

It's just a matter of getting him through the next few years. And part of that is not labeling age-appropriate behavior, even if it's inappropriate socially, as "mean" or "bad"-as opposed to seeing it as what it is-a sign that his needs are not being met and a cry for help to meet them.

 

Good luck, mom-and have fun. Gifted kids are an interesting ride. I'm nowhere near done with it yet!

 

I wrote a blog post for the "Parenting the Gifted" blog tour last year on advocating for gifted preschoolers. As you look for other group settings, it may be helpful to you.

 

http://makingmusicwithkids.blogspot.com/2012_07_01_archive.html

[Arcadia]

I am looking for a preschool for the fall, but I am afraid that will be a disaster too.

 

I would look for a montessori kind of preschool. Most of the activities are abilities based instead of age based and your child might be happier. The ones around here cater for 2 to 6 years old.

[MedicMom]

Well, at least I don't feel like I am just a horrible mother anymore.

 

The only Montessori school within driving distance is thirty minutes away, very expensive, and doesn't start until a half hour after I start work. However they do have a three-year-old half day kindergarten that looks like it might meet our needs...if I can get my MIL to take him. It's definately worth checking into. We plan to homeschool, but I need something to get us through the next year until my work schedule changes and we won't need babysitting anymore. More than that, I need to help my son find coping mechanisms other than hitting, biting and pushing. I know these are typical two-year-old behaviors, and I know why he is acting out, but you're right--people find them less acceptable from him than they would a typical two-year-old. And besides, they really just aren't acceptable.

 

He gets along great with my four-year-old niece and the four-year-old little girl my MIL babysits. And as I said, he is gentle and loving towards his seven month old sister, it is just agemates that we have problems with.

 

For instance, a few days ago he was at my moms with my two-year-old nephew. It went like this:

 

My son: Hi (cousin)! Want to build a rocketship? I need two more parts. 1, 2, more parts to build our rocketship and then we can go to Mars! Did you know we will be able to float on Mars because there is no gravity?

 

My nephew: Stares blankly, says something unintelligble and stands there.

 

My son: Let's go find our two parts for the rocketship!

 

My nephew: (something I don't understand)

 

My son: ::bites nephew, then pushes him out of the way so he can run to find his two parts to find his rocketship:

 

Me: Tries not to cry while my mother tells me that my son needs to learn to behave, and I should just bite my two-year-old a couple times until he learns that it hurts.

 

Seriously.

I am going crazy.

[jillian]

DD had a hard time at that age too. She's not profoundly gifted at least we don't think but she had a hard time that age. She either wanted to only play with older kids or would get very very "babyish" after being around kids her own age.

[jennynd]

He willl soon find that he is different. DS knew that he is different around that age.and he kinda withdrew. I even heard him told me DD (not quite as bright as DS, but bright enough to stand out ) that do not let other people know what she know, or she won't be able to make friend

[Dmmetler]

One thing you might want to look for in a daycare/preschool program is to see if you can find one that has an "older toddler" class or a "young preschool" class (IE-preschoolers who are still working on toilet training or need a lot of extra prompting and supervision in this area). Usually such classes will be open to 2 yr olds and tend to have a wider age range, which is a good fit for the child who needs more verbal classmates, but is still physically 2. You often have to pay a price premium for such a class over a 3-4 yr old preschool setting since the child-staff ratio is lower, but if there's not an official multi-age program available, that's often a good fit.

[kiwik]

Would he understand if you explained that he is older than his years and he should treat other kids his age more like he treats his little sister? My ds3.5 has always referred to kids only a few months older than himself as babies. He went through a stage at about 12 months when he attacked everybody but it eased off when he could walk competantly. He does get worse when he is ready for a developmental step up though.

[MtnMama]

You could be describing my son at that age. He was constantly in trouble at daycare, and we eventually pulled him out. He is in 1st grade now and still has nothing in common with his age mates, but he has learned to coexist with them. I would say that 2.5-4 was the worst period. We talked a lot about emotions and did quite a bit of role play to practice how to react to frustrations. I feel your pain, believe me! It was the most stressful time of my life.

[Greenmama2]

My daughter was similar at 2. By 2.5 it was getting a little easier, but just as the other posters described - she was frustrated that her age peers couldn't communicate in the same highly verbal fashion and that they didn't have the same interests. I kept her social stuff to mainly older children and avoided situations where she would be expected to play with other two year olds unless I knew they were similar.

[DoppeltGemoppelt]

I had a similar problem with my twin boys. The children I was babysitting at my house where the same age, but developmentally just not at the same level. What helped tremendously was that I explained to my boys how every child is different. Once they understood that someone can be older and/or taller than you, but still need help with language and other things, they developed a sort of "big brother" relationship with the other kids. My twins would then for example tell these children how to pronounce words correctly, make them say whole sentences, or explain what a rocket ship is. All of that happened without criticism on their part. It was very crucial for them to initially understand that they have to be a role model and where helping me babysit the others. It could also help to point out the things that your son may not be able to do yet (such as swinging himself, riding a bike or other physical things) but other kids his age can, and that this is perfectly okay too.

 

Hope that helps!

[2smartones]

My kids were also that way at 2. We tried preschool for my older son, but it was absolutely a disaster!! (This was an "accelerated" school for "smart kids", too... HA! ... glorified day care.) It will get better. Try acting out with dolls. Have the dolls play out the same scene you've just witnessed, so that your child can actually SEE both sides of the story. Ask if that's how he'd want to be treated, or ask what he could've done better. Yes, he's 2... and I KNOW people say 2 year olds can't understand ... but some really can, and he's probably one of them.

 

On other note, my two boys are polar opposites in many ways. For my oldest, talking about a situation is all that's ever been necessary - even when he was 2.5. For my youngest, the "bite him back" method is the only thing that worked. The oldest is an emotional, quiet, people-pleasing person. The youngest, from the day he was born, has been a very loud, defiant, go-go-go physical person! He has to experience life, and he likes to do it from the edge of a cliff! Even NOW, if I tell him something is hot, he'll still feels the need to reach out and touch it to see just HOW hot. Some kids have to learn the hard way while moms sit back and cry (or occasionally laugh)! :crying:

[boscopup]

Yes, he's 2... and I KNOW people say 2 year olds can't understand ... but some really can, and he's probably one of them.

 

 

I think a lot of people underestimate what kids can understand. A 2 year old as described above? Absolutely, he can probably understand a conversation about other kids' feelings.

 

Of course, I also trained my newly crawling 8-9 months olds not to get into the dog's water dish, whereas many people say, "Oh, just move the dish! Or redirect the baby to an object they can play with!" No, my kids would go straight back for that water dish until I told them "no" and gave appropriate punishment (at that time, a swat on the cloth diapered bottom that didn't hurt in the least, but they got the message that Mama didn't want them to do that). I think DS2 learned in just 2 tries not to get into that water dish. He was not even 9 months old yet. Babies and toddlers are not stupid!

 

Even NOW, if I tell him something is hot, he'll still feels the need to reach out and touch it to see just HOW hot. Some kids have to learn the hard way while moms sit back and cry (or occasionally laugh)! :crying:

 

 

That sounds like my DS2 as well. :D