how to teach kids to be respectful without being vulnerable?

[daniela_r]

How do you teach your kids to respond to other adults? Do you teach them to obey and to answer respectfully? If so, how, exactly, do you do this without running the risk that they will be easily abused some day, and think that they aren't allowed to say "no" to an adult? How do you teach them that they do not have to do something that makes them uncomfortable, or "feels wrong"?

 

Here's where I'm coming from: We live overseas and have become really close with some other expat families. We act more like substitute extended family in some ways. We think these other families are great, and they have similar values to ours. For example, we do house church with a few other families. This involves multiple families having an informal worship time and a shared meal. Another example, we also do a "date night" swap occasionally where one couple keeps our kids and their kids so the other couple can have a date, and then we switch the favor in a week or two. In general, all of the adults, especially the ones hosting, end up sometimes telling other peoples' kids what to do. So far, this has always been fine; the adults are always saying something the kid should listen to. Example from last week: several young kids are playing in the hallway/entry and getting kind of rowdy. My dd age 2 is playing with the curtains and wrapping them around her. I am in the other room, in earshot but not watching. Host mom is the first adult to see this and says, "X! Stop that! Don't play in the curtains!" My dd (being 2) is sloooow to get out of the curtains and I end up getting on to her, " 'Aunt' Y told you not to play in the curtains; you need to obey her!" etc. I don't have ANY problem with the other mom telling my daughter what to do - I like the informality of these friendships, and obviously rowdy little kid pulling on curtains needs to stop ASAP! :) But when these kinds of things come up, I'm not sure exactly what to say to my kids. I do not want to end up teaching a blanket, "When a grown-up tells you what to do, you say, 'Yes, Ma'am/Sir' and you obey!" But what exactly do I want to teach??

 

I've tried having a few conversations with my older dd (age 4 1/2) about an imaginary child interacting with an imaginary adult without the child's parent around, and I suggested different specific things the adult might say and we talked about how the child should respond. My dd seemed to get that "OK" and compliance was the right thing to do sometimes (e.g. if asked to play more quietly) but that sometimes, "Let me ask my mommy first" would be better and sometimes "No! That's not right! I'm not going to do that!" would be the thing to say. But that's all pretty subjective stuff, and I wonder how to help my kids be better empowered to stand up for themselves, should they (God forbid!) ever be in the horrible situation of having an adult pressure them to do something wrong??

 

By the way, I am not asking this because I have some gut feeling that there is anything concerning about one of our friends. I am NOT getting any fishy vibes. But I also know that many, many parents have trusted completely someone who hurt their kids... :(

 

Finally, I know this could trigger an emotional response for some, and I'm sorry if this is a painful topic for you. I also hope no one will misunderstand what I'm trying to ask! It was very hard to figure out the wording here!

[Tammi K]

Wow. Just had this conversation with DS (11) yesterday. We've been dealing with situations where he lets himself be taken advantage of and hesitates to stand up for himself because he doesn't want to be 'rude'. I hate seeing him always take the last spot in line ( or whatever is similar) because he won't make a fuss.

 

I'm not sure what the answer is. But, I did find myself telling ds that it is okay to not always 'give in' and he can use his best judgement if people are asking too much from him. But, he's 11 so it's a whole different thing than a preschooler.

 

I'm looking forward to reading other replies. I share your concern.

[Scarlett]

Well I don't think you can teach that until 7 or 8. Which is why I was so very very careful who I left ds with.

 

Ds is almost 13 and I don't worry about him being taken advantage of.....I fret over teaching him respect for adults even those who lack reasoning skills. One friend told ds recently, " you are 12-- shut up." Yikes. But in friends defense ds does. Not. know when to shut up.

[Scarlett]

How do you teach your kids to respond to other adults? Do you teach them to obey and to answer respectfully? If so, how, exactly, do you do this without running the risk that they will be easily abused some day, and think that they aren't allowed to say "no" to an adult? How do you teach them that they do not have to do something that makes them uncomfortable, or "feels wrong"?

 

Here's where I'm coming from: We live overseas and have become really close with some other expat families. We act more like substitute extended family in some ways. We think these other families are great, and they have similar values to ours. For example, we do house church with a few other families. This involves multiple families having an informal worship time and a shared meal. Another example, we also do a "date night" swap occasionally where one couple keeps our kids and their kids so the other couple can have a date, and then we switch the favor in a week or two. In general, all of the adults, especially the ones hosting, end up sometimes telling other peoples' kids what to do. So far, this has always been fine; the adults are always saying something the kid should listen to. Example from last week: several young kids are playing in the hallway/entry and getting kind of rowdy. My dd age 2 is playing with the curtains and wrapping them around her. I am in the other room, in earshot but not watching. Host mom is the first adult to see this and says, "X! Stop that! Don't play in the curtains!" My dd (being 2) is sloooow to get out of the curtains and I end up getting on to her, " 'Aunt' Y told you not to play in the curtains; you need to obey her!" etc. I don't have ANY problem with the other mom telling my daughter what to do - I like the informality of these friendships, and obviously rowdy little kid pulling on curtains needs to stop ASAP! :) But when these kinds of things come up, I'm not sure exactly what to say to my kids. I do not want to end up teaching a blanket, "When a grown-up tells you what to do, you say, 'Yes, Ma'am/Sir' and you obey!" But what exactly do I want to teach??

 

I've tried having a few conversations with my older dd (age 4 1/2) about an imaginary child interacting with an imaginary adult without the child's parent around, and I suggested different specific things the adult might say and we talked about how the child should respond. My dd seemed to get that "OK" and compliance was the right thing to do sometimes (e.g. if asked to play more quietly) but that sometimes, "Let me ask my mommy first" would be better and sometimes "No! That's not right! I'm not going to do that!" would be the thing to say. But that's all pretty subjective stuff, and I wonder how to help my kids be better empowered to stand up for themselves, should they (God forbid!) ever be in the horrible situation of having an adult pressure them to do something wrong??

 

By the way, I am not asking this because I have some gut feeling that there is anything concerning about one of our friends. I am NOT getting any fishy vibes. But I also know that many, many parents have trusted completely someone who hurt their kids... :(

 

Finally, I know this could trigger an emotional response for some, and I'm sorry if this is a painful topic for you. I also hope no one will misunderstand what I'm trying to ask! It was very hard to figure out the wording here!

 

But i think it is ok to teach our kids to obey adults that we trust enough to leave them in their care. An additional conversation has to be, "if ANYONE tries xyz with you you Must tell mommy. " I then go on to specifically list every person that is close to ds....I want him, at age 4 and age 12 to know when I say ANYONE that includes his dad, my dh, papaw.....ANYONE.

[NotSoObvious]

Well I don't think you can teach that until 7 or 8. Which is why I was so very very careful who I left ds with.

 

This was my first thought. I think with younger kids, you teach obedience. As they grow, you model respect, talk about right and wrong etc. I think it's something gradual. Kind of like dressing your child. When they are young, they wear what you say or put on them. As they grow, you help them learn why certain clothes are appropriate at certain times, give them more and more freedom, address issues as they arise, have clear expectations, and hope that they choose good outfits. ;)

[Joanne]

I think you are overthinking the issue. :)

 

I think you are better off teaching kids to recognize and honor their icky, heebie jeebie spidey sense. And telling kids what is NOT ok.

 

I think a non special needs 2 year old is able to understand normal redirection (get out of the curtains). I don't think you need to complicate it.

[Goldilocks]

When the adult is a stranger (like at the park) I have taught my kids to respond by either obeying or coming to check with me. For example, if a random adult tells my child to get off the top of the monkey bars they must either obey the adult or come and check with me to see if it is ok if they are on top of the monkey bars.

[Mama Geek]

I agree that kids need to be older than 2 to understand that and should only be left with people that are really trusted. My dd has only spent a few hours like maybe 6 with out me or dh around.

 

I run into the problem that we have immediate family that is very bossy and has to shadow dd and correct her for things we let her do. Dh says she will get to where she will ignore them and not to worry about that. My thought is if she if going to ignore them, then they can't watch her because she won't listen to them. Right now we are at a place that we just don't leave dd with anyone else, so as not to offend those people.

[Parrothead]

This was my first thought. I think with younger kids, you teach obedience. As they grow, you model respect, talk about right and wrong etc. I think it's something gradual. Kind of like dressing your child. When they are young, they wear what you say or put on them. As they grow, you help them learn why certain clothes are appropriate at certain times, give them more and more freedom, address issues as they arise, have clear expectations, and hope that they choose good outfits. ;)

Yes, this exactly. Your kids are too young for all this deep thought.

[Parrothead]

What you are looking for happens more organically than you'd imagine. Right now your kids need to only worry about obeying you and dh and your trusted friends. Because that should be the only adults they are associating with.

 

If you have people in your life that are prompting these fears in you then you need to get rid of them, not teach your kids to not obey them.

[LMD]

A big part of how I handle it is to teach my children to trust their feelings, and that I will back them. For example, my oldest was quite shy and hated (still does) to participate in big group games where she feels like the littlest. She feels out of her depth and unsafe. I respected her feelings, she didn't have to participate, but I periodically encouraged her to try. I also discuss that she needs to feel safe, and that it is my job to help her to feel safe. On a recent play-date, I reiterated that if she feels uncomfortable it is ok to call me anytime and I will get her. FTR, last week at youth group she was hip & shouldering all the bigger boys out of the way in a water balloon fight!

 

That's part A. Part B is keeping open communication, encouraging her to tell me those feelings. This includes a warning that any good adult will want to include Mum & Dad, not keep secrets from us. Communication is a big scary one for me, as I refused to tell my parents anything, so I really really hope to do that differently with my children, my daughter especially...

[Heartsjoy]

OK, Here's how it's played out for us.

Adults pat my kids on the head. My kids speak up and say, "I'd rather shake hands." When they're younger they'd scowl and back up.

 

I supported them even while feeling embarassed for the other adult who didn't have better sense. We would talk later. "I really liked how you handled how Mr. B patted you on the head, or Mrs. H ruffled your hair." You are free to tell people when you don't like something.

 

Obeying rules played out differently. Another parent asked their kid not to run in an area I let mine. It was a younger child. I asked my kids to not run while it was causing a problem for the younger child. My goal is that my kids see boundaries and rules change based on location and people's different needs.

 

 

summary:

Look for when your child is uncomfortable and give them some freedom and support.

 

Look for when your child can apply new rules to the same location to adapt to others needs.