amo_mea_filiis. Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Ds's behavior therapist is coming this morning so i get to procrastinate a bit (we have our morning routine down very well, but lots of tantrums. Therapist is going to help with that). Thanksgiving was a killer. We survived, but I'm tired of the need to survive. December 25th is on a Tuesday, a school day for us, or just any normal Tuesday. My father will plan to visit that day and will take it personal or make it more than it is when i say no. If i let them come, they'll have too many presents and will get annoyed that we don't have enough or the "right" gifts for them. How can I work bean dip into this? I do NOT want anyone here that day. I am putting up a small tree. The kids are getting stockings and some needed items like boots and snow pants on the first day on winter. I am not ruining my kids by not celebrating Christmas, and i dont need anyone telling them differently. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Can your father visit the weekend before? You certainly don't have to proclaim it "Christmas" to get and receive gifts in the month of December, so I wouldn't worry too much about trying to avoid the "Christmas" tag. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I know the answer is probably no, but can you get your dad to come on the weekend before or after? If not, can you prepare the kids ahead of time, and say "On Sunday we are having a school day, because g-pa is coming to spend the day w/ us on Tues, so we are taking Tuesday off."? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I totally get where you are coming from, I do. I struggle with my mom wanting to control situations and judge how I am raising my kids. However, and I say this lightly, religious or not, Christmas can be a very important family day for people. Is it possible to just put things aside for this day and make it about being together? You could even gently tell your dad that you do Christmas the way you because x, y, z, and that it hurts when he makes comments about it not being good enough, but that you would stil love to spend time with him. As far as presents from others...sigh. I've learned to just let it go. People usually have good intentions and a few holidays a year isn't going to ruin my kids. Breathe. :) I get it, I do. Just try to focus on the relationship instead. That's my advice. I'm trying to take it myself this year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Could you get your dad to agree to bring only one present? We learned the hard way that it's just too hard for GW and Geezle to get more than one present at a time. It overwhelmed them and led to a meltdown which stressed us out and ruined our enjoyment of a family holiday. If you don't want to celebrate Christmas in any way, shape or form, could you ask your dad to come on Solstice instead? It falls on the 21st this year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Lie. Tell him you've decided to go out of town on that day and if he shows up you won't be home to answer the door. i'll even invite you up here to make it more legit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted December 4, 2012 Author Share Posted December 4, 2012 I like the idea of lying! Ds and i do school 7 days already so i dont have an extra day to add in (we school lite right now, it has to be done to keep him in routine). We do sort of celebrate solstice. If it were the only time in a year that we saw my father, I'd be willing to go all out and even celebrate on dec 25th. He visits monthly. I despise his wife's phony ways around the holidays. If i dont like someone, I'm not going out of my way to do something on a certain day of the year. I'm trying to figure out what and why i want to celebrate with the kids. I could start by texting him and inviting him up the following weekend instead of waiting for him to tell me when they're coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I like the idea of lying! Ds and i do school 7 days already so i dont have an extra day to add in (we school lite right now, it has to be done to keep him in routine). We do sort of celebrate solstice. If it were the only time in a year that we saw my father, I'd be willing to go all out and even celebrate on dec 25th. He visits monthly. I despise his wife's phony ways around the holidays. If i dont like someone, I'm not going out of my way to do something on a certain day of the year. I'm trying to figure out what and why i want to celebrate with the kids. I could start by texting him and inviting him up the following weekend instead of waiting for him to tell me when they're coming. I can appreciate the 7 days a week routine! Could you do school in the morning, and invite your father after lunch? And, saying this as gently as I can, putting up with your step-mother's phoniness for the holidays is a great lesson to teach your children about tolerance. :) No matter how much you don't like the woman, she may prove to be someone special in your children's life at some point. Ask me how I know. :grouphug: I think that texting your dad and taking control of the visiting day/hours is going to help relieve some of your anxiety of the situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myra Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I think that you need to decide first of all what you want the holidays to be like - if celebrating Christmas isn't on the agenda then firmly stand by that without any regret or "wishy-washiness." It's irrelevant whatever the reason is that you don't want to celebrate a certain holiday (because of your beliefs or because of how it will upset your kids/yourself) as you are the adult and you get to decide your family's lifestyle. I think being vague or round about causes more bad feelings then just a polite and loving explanation the first time....then followed "asked and answered already" no need to discuss again atitude from then on. That being said....I think I would firmly write out your ideas ahead of time then email them to your parents. End of discussion. However, I would have compassion and respect for your parents' traditions/religions enough to come to a compromise on a different day/time/and type for a celebration like WInter's Solitice where presents can be exchanged & maybe even a dinner (if that's important to your parents) BUT being firm that it is not a celebration of Christmas and religious connotations will not be allowed. And stick to your guns....it might not be pleasant for the first couple of seasons, but if you pursue the relationship and hang in there....I bet it would be better. (This advice is given to you using my own personal history - in hind sight, this is what I wished I did at the beginning of my marriage and ended up doing after a few years of hell at the holidays!) Myra Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Whenever a person makes decisions to do something different than popular culture it is hard for other people to understand. I sympathize with you wanting to figure out what is important to you and your kids, but your dad just isn't in that place. He tries to help you and he doesn't see his behavior as controlling. Christmas really is more of a cultural thing now days than a religious one and I don't think you would be compromising your beliefs to celebrate the cultural aspects of Christmas and ignoring what you do not believe in. On the other side of the coin I told my kids there was no Santa, as I do not believe in lying to my kids, ever, and people went off over this. It really made other people uncomfortable, so I can just guess what your dad is thinking if you don't celebrate his way, lol. Try to have a sense of humor over it, and make jokes when you can to ease the tension. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I'm definitely not criticizing you for this, but I am curious as to why you adamantly oppose the idea of celebrating Christmas (and I'm only curious because it seems to be important to your father.) I can tell that I'm also missing something big in terms of your relationship with your father, so I have a feeling that there's a lot to this story that I don't know. Whatever the case, you know what's best for you and your kids, and if other people don't like it, they will have to find a way to deal with it. I'm just wondering if your kids are expecting gifts from your father, or if he will be very hurt by not being allowed to give your kids some Christmas gifts. I guess what I'm trying to say is that unless your kids have major issues with your dad, would it be worth it to set your own resentments aside so your kids can spend some time with their grandfather? Again, I know I am missing the big picture here, so please don't be offended by my suggestions if they are out of line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted December 6, 2012 Author Share Posted December 6, 2012 I despise it for a bunch of reasons, but i dont want to offend anyone, so if you're curious, pm me. I texted back and forth last night and the possibility of them visiting the weekend before or after is out. It's too late to lie now because i said it was to keep ds on track. I know what my father is getting the kids, and i want to change his mind about 1 thing (he's getting them each a sled and money. Money and ds is really hard. He'll expect me to immediately taxi him to walmart, then get mad when i put limits on things). I dont want or need anything, but he has a gift in mind for me. This means i now must figure out what to get him and his wife. I have no darn clue. He's visiting on the 26th, but as far as i can tell, it's just a day trip. Ds will still do his work that morning. Dd will do her work. I will decide what to cook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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