Anyone feel, I don't know, guilty about staying home with the children while your dh

[Crissy]

Guilty? No.

We both work and do our part to keep this little home and business running smoothly.

Still, he works much harder than I do.

I try to let him know regularly that I recognize it, and I appreciate it.

[Colleen]

While caring for home and hearth is indeed work, it's a job with a great deal of flexibility. I do believe that in most cases, working outside the home is more demanding. So yes, I would feel guilty in the summer, sitting poolside, reading a book and drinking iced coffee, while the other half of the partnership went about his normal business. I wouldn't be comfortable merely taking the summer off, particularly if all or most of my children were older, e.g. didn't require my hands-on care.

 

Our situation is fairly unusual in that we are literally in business together. Hans does a great deal to help with the boys ~ not schooling, he's not involved with that at all, but in other respects ~ and he contributes to the house and yard care. Likewise, I have farm-related work in addition to caring for the boys, schooling, house, and garden. I am grateful that we have a life that allows us to both contribute to these various demands.

[Amy in NY]

works, maybe even 2 jobs so you can stay home. During the school year I'm fine. We school around 7 hours a day, there are lessons and groups that children need to get to, that ole Mt. Laundry to climb, dinner, house cleaning, etc. But now that it's summer and my dh is still slaving away and I'm poolside with an iced coffee reading a book I feel more than a little guilty.

 

Help me! :D

 

I haven't read through all of the responses, as there are now 5 pages, but wanted to add my 2 cents. We've had a bit of a role reversal here. Dh is currently the one staying home and teaching the kids. I returned to work almost 6 months ago and both of us would give anything to have our lives back the way they were before. I am much more suited to being home with little people than he is and, from my point of view, my dh is often more stressed now that he's home in charge of the kids than when I was. (Dh is also self-employed and works from home so he's trying to do 'full-time jobs' at once. It's very difficult for him.) This is going to sound so stereo-typical and I know that not everyone follows this pattern, but women really are much better at the multi-tasking that needs to be done to run a home and raise children. I have seen this first hand in my house. Your husbands are more than likely very thankfully to have you all at home.

 

So don't feel guilty. The raising and education of your children is your career. It's noble. Important. Really, the most important thing that you all can be doing right now. If you're getting a few extra minutes to yourself this summer (while he's still working), rejoice in them. Come September, you won't have the commute to your job, the lunch break or even bathroom breaks to find solitude in your day as being mom and teacher is really a 24/7 kind of job.

[Colleen]

This is going to sound so stereo-typical and I know that not everyone follows this pattern, but women really are much better at the multi-tasking that needs to be done to run a home and raise children. I have seen this first hand in my house. Your husbands are more than likely very thankfully to have you all at home.

 

Yes, I think that's often the case. I know my husband would not want to be in the house as often as I am. (On the other hand, I wouldn't mind to be able to do physical labor outside more often.)

 

So don't feel guilty. The raising and education of your children is your career. It's noble. Important. Really, the most important thing that you all can be doing right now. If you're getting a few extra minutes to yourself this summer (while he's still working), rejoice in them. Come September, you won't have the commute to your job, the lunch break or even bathroom breaks to find solitude in your day as being mom and teacher is really a 24/7 kind of job.

 

I don't do guilty too often, but when I do, it's usually a sign that there really is something I need to change. Raising and educating children is work, I don't disagree with you there. It's important, no question. I think, though, that too often, we stop there. We lament the fact that we are so often on call, that we are multi-tasking, serving others, etc. We assure ourselves that we deserve a break today. And I'm not saying we never do deserve that break. I'm saying...how should I put this?...I'm saying that we can often do more to step up and tackle what's before us. Example: If the house is a wreck, why? If life is disorganized and chaotic and there's nothing to eat in the house, why? When one's work is at home, it's a bit too easy to fall behind, thanks to a lack of accountability. So particularly if we feel guilty, we need to hold ourselves accountable and be honest about what needs to be done and what we're doing to make that happen. (And I do mean "we"!:D)

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

I miss working. I reeeeeaaalllly miss working. I would make more money than dh, but dh could not stand to be a SAHD at this point in his life, while I can manage staying at home well enough. I am not thrilled about sacrificing my career, but our child HAS to be homeschooled if we are going to continue to live in this town, so one of us has to be at home.

 

So the question should be turned around for my situation- does your dh feel guilty for the fact you have to stay at home? lol

[Karenciavo]

Great, now all you people that don't feel guilty made me feel bad. :glare:

 

Joking, joking. Thanks for your insight. My dh would love to stay home and that's probably part of it. He owns his own business, but it's a very high pressure business with tight deadlines and he sits at a computer most of the day. I think mental fatigue is a lot more difficult than physical fatigue. Maybe he needs one of those cool offices like they have at Pixar or at least Thirty-something. :)

[Peela]

I'm saying that we can often do more to step up and tackle what's before us. Example: If the house is a wreck, why? If life is disorganized and chaotic and there's nothing to eat in the house, why? When one's work is at home, it's a bit too easy to fall behind, thanks to a lack of accountability. So particularly if we feel guilty, we need to hold ourselves accountable and be honest about what needs to be done and what we're doing to make that happen. (And I do mean "we"!:D)

 

 

:iagree:

My dh works from home and contributes in many ways, and also loves his work, so there's no resentment there, and no guilt on my part. He has absolutely no desire to homeschool and says the kids would be in school if it weren't for me. But he does appreciate what I do, and tells me.

He probably "works" similar hours to me, but he doesn't tend to do all the running about I do. Or rather, I choose to do. He wouldn't do it. So it often feels to me that I do more because I take the kids places whereas he rarely does that.

But in the end, he does a lot, and if I let the house fall to pieces or we have cereal too many nights in a row :) I do feel guilty that I am not pulling my weight- even though sometimes I tell myself, well, he is home, watching TV, why cant he cook? It definitely works better when I do keep it all going, and he keeps his roles all going.

You know, that saying that goes something like in order to have a healthy marriage, both partners need to give 100% (not the 50% that we tend to think).

[LisaNY]

Karen, I will echo what *anj* said.

 

Like you, I do feel guilty sometimes - especially in the summer, when things slow down a bit. It shows that we care and are conscientious about "doing our part."

 

But, I would ask you to look at it this way-

 

My dh loves to come home to his family, where the homefires have been kept burning all day, and a nice dinner is ready for him, (most of the time) along with a wife and two daughters who love him very much. He does his part to provide for our family, and I do my part to make his home a haven. I do work p/t from home, because we have been blessed that way. But, even if I didn't, my dh would assure me that he is happy with our arrangement. :001_smile:

 

When you take the time to relax with a good book, doesn't it make you a more pleasant person to come home to? I think it is *important* for us to have some down time during the day when we can get it. My dh and I have an unspoken deal between us to not allow the stresses of the day to infringe on our family time. Sometimes we fail, but we strive to make those times few and far between. By taking some time to try and relax, even if it is a few minutes, I am doing my part in making our home a good environment for my dh and my girls.

 

So, Karen, when you are relaxing with that good book, think of it as a very important part of making you that person that your dh loves to come home to. I mean, my goodness! What a lucky guy to come home to a happy wife, and one that looks like Galadriel to boot! :D

[Little Debbie]

My DH once told me he's grateful that I'm at home. When he's at work, he can WORK! He doesn't worry about anything going on at home because he knows that I'm there and that I can handle whatever comes up. I guess that's when I realized that my job is pretty important, too. Sometimes it's just seeing what you do from someone else's point of view...HTH!

Deb

[Karenciavo]

I don't do guilty too often, but when I do, it's usually a sign that there really is something I need to change. Raising and educating children is work, I don't disagree with you there. It's important, no question. I think, though, that too often, we stop there. We lament the fact that we are so often on call, that we are multi-tasking, serving others, etc. We assure ourselves that we deserve a break today. And I'm not saying we never do deserve that break. I'm saying...how should I put this?...I'm saying that we can often do more to step up and tackle what's before us. Example: If the house is a wreck, why? If life is disorganized and chaotic and there's nothing to eat in the house, why? When one's work is at home, it's a bit too easy to fall behind, thanks to a lack of accountability. So particularly if we feel guilty, we need to hold ourselves accountable and be honest about what needs to be done and what we're doing to make that happen. (And I do mean "we"!:D)

 

I know you quoted someone else, but thought I would respond to this anyway. We are all about organization and keeping chaos to a minimum. That's the thing, if I had a messy house and was disorganized I would know what to do. We (the kids and I) are done with most of our daily chores by 10 am and during the summer we tackle one or two projects a week.

 

Karen (off to organize/clean out our schoolroom drawers)

[Jami]

Great, now all you people that don't feel guilty made me feel bad. :glare:

 

Joking, joking. Thanks for your insight. My dh would love to stay home and that's probably part of it. He owns his own business, but it's a very high pressure business with tight deadlines and he sits at a computer most of the day. I think mental fatigue is a lot more difficult than physical fatigue. Maybe he needs one of those cool offices like they have at Pixar or at least Thirty-something. :)

 

Yeah, a cool office helps. Of course...then you have the dh who never wants to take a day off and be away from said cool office. :glare:

 

Does he work alone? When my dh was working from home alone, even though he enjoyed the actual work, he missed the shared creative energy of having another person with him in the office. Which is why we're now sweltering in TX. :D

 

Jami

[Karenciavo]

Does he work alone? When my dh was working from home alone, even though he enjoyed the actual work, he missed the shared creative energy of having another person with him in the office. Which is why we're now sweltering in TX. :D

Jami

 

Most days he is alone. He has a freelancer come in 5 or 6 days a month.

[Shenan]

I feel both guilty and sad. Sad because I know he is missing out on the fun the kids and I are having. :(

 

Dh has a physically demanding job. He is a Commercial HVAC Superintendant. He installs tractor trailer sized air conditioners on high rise buildings. I especially feel bad when its 96 degrees out (such as yesterday) and he is on top of these roofs (where the temps are soaring and the heat is sweltering). He often has to work in non-air-conditioned buildings and has to crawl into attics where the temps are higher than on the rooftops. Not to mention, the traffic he sometimes gets caught up in because he works in the DC/VA/MD area. YES! Talk about feeling guilty!!!

 

However, this is something we decided a long time ago. I would stay home and raise our children while he worked and provided for his family. He enjoys coming home after a hard day of work and being able to relax. If I didn't stay at home he wouldn't be able to reap the benefits of a loving, caring, and truly grateful wife and family. I make sure when he arrives home (a 2 hour drive BTW, which can be just as exhausting) there is a nice cold drink awaiting him, a clean house (because clutter is stressful to him. He's the kind of person that will step on the lonely Lego located in the farthest corner of the room in his bare feet):glare:, maybe a back massage (the kids get in on this too) and I try to my darndest not to immediately unload MY frustrations of the day on him! (that self-control only last a mere 30 minutes before I expload!!! :D I don't know how he puts up with me sometimes?) I also make sure before he leaves at 3:30 AM that he has plenty of water and a meal with him because he is not always in a postion or area to stop and grab a bite to eat (something he prefers over PB&J, without the J. You see, lunch meat doesn't hold up very well in the sweltering heat of a vehicle, so PB&J, is the lunch of the summer)

 

And yes, my job at home can be just as demanding, and there are times when dh has to come home from his hard day at work and help out around here too. Last week was a perfect example! I was on the roads all week taking kids back and forth to morning (younger) and evening (teens) VBS! Dh had to come home from a long hard day and help make dinner and watch the crew! I am even more grateful for him during those times! Those times remind me WHY I married this wonderful man!!!!:001_smile:

 

Also, I too am ALWAYS pointing out to the children how certain things were provided by daddy. The McDonald trips, the grocery store trips, toys, and anything that requires $$$$. I make it a point to encourage them to give daddy an extra hug or a thank you for providing said things for them.

 

When we first married dh and I both were working 2 jobs AND going to school! So maybe this is why I feel so guilty at times because I 'KNOW' exactly 'HOW' hard he is working!:( BTDT!!

 

We do not currently own a pool BUT I am sure dh would be glad to come home from a long hot day at work and dive into one with his kids along side of him. :001_smile:

 

Shenan

[HRAAB]

Yes to feeling guilty. Especially the last few years. He was laid off twice due to outsourcing. He finally found a job doing contract work for the same company he was employed with for 27 years. It is not stable and could end this year. He's 50, does not want to go back to school at this stage of the game, and it's so hard to find a job that pays what he was making. He works so hard for us. His job is hell.

 

And here I sit in front of the computer with the laundry not getting done. I think I needed this reminder. Thanks.

 

Janet

[stephanie]

works, maybe even 2 jobs so you can stay home. During the school year I'm fine. We school around 7 hours a day, there are lessons and groups that children need to get to, that ole Mt. Laundry to climb, dinner, house cleaning, etc. But now that it's summer and my dh is still slaving away and I'm poolside with an iced coffee reading a book I feel more than a little guilty.

 

Help me! :D

 

I felt the exact thing yesterday as I laid out by the pool with the kids. I don't at all feel guilty when I'm doing school, but it's the summer that gets me. I try to make it a point to tell him even more how grateful we are for him providing so well for us. I also tell my kids the same thing!

[WTMindy]

I've actually been thinking about the question you posed and I decided that guilt is not the right word for it. I do feel a strong obligation, however, to make sure that the "job" I am doing is done well. I appreciate the fact that my dh works hard so that I can stay home. The thing that I WOULD feel guilty about would be if he came home from work and I had been playing all day and the house was a mess or no dinner was ready. I always try to be home with dinner ready or almost ready with the house tidies up before he gets home. This is something he really values and I want to do that for him since he works hard for us.

[Karenciavo]

I've actually been thinking about the question you posed and I decided that guilt is not the right word for it. I do feel a strong obligation, however, to make sure that the "job" I am doing is done well. I appreciate the fact that my dh works hard so that I can stay home. The thing that I WOULD feel guilty about would be if he came home from work and I had been playing all day and the house was a mess or no dinner was ready. I always try to be home with dinner ready or almost ready with the house tidies up before he gets home. This is something he really values and I want to do that for him since he works hard for us.

 

You're right. :001_smile:

[mommylawyer]

I only feel guilty on the days I don't go into work - I know I'm having so much fun with the kids (even when we're doing school) that I wish DH could be there. Fortunately, since he's self-employed, occasionally he can work from home or take a Monday or Friday off.