shanvan Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 Our neighbor, whom we have always been friendly with, suddenly lost his 22 year old daughter. She apparently had an epileptic seizure that killed her. They knew she had epilepsy, but never anticipated anything like this. The kids lived with his wife for all of the time that we have known him, so we didn't know her. He is remarried and we are also friendly with his current wife. He has always been supportive of our kids and will talk to them and us, watch them train their dogs, doesn't mind if they use his driveway and has invited us in to show us his fish tank, new fish etc. We were thinking of baking him something and I have a card, but somehow it seems like such a mundane ordinary gesture for such a devastating event. We found out earlier this week after we arrived home from vacation. I need to do something soon. Any suggestions? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 I think its a very nice gesture. Showing that you care is all that matters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 There isn't anyway to take away the pain. I think your idea is lovely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatCyndiGirl Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 Yes, bring him the baked thing and a card, but also: Don't be afraid to say her name! When people die it seems like well-meaning friends go out of their way to not utter the name for fear that it will make the grieving people feel worse. Say her name and if you have any warm memories of her, TELL HIM about them! That means so much to people! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KatieJ Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 Yes, bring him the baked thing and a card, but also: Don't be afraid to say her name! When people die it seems like well-meaning friends go out of their way to not utter the name for fear that it will make the grieving people feel worse. Say her name and if you have any warm memories of her, TELL HIM about them! That means so much to people! :iagree: We have friends who lost their 17 yr old son in a car accident. He was our daughter's best friend. It's been 12 years and we still talk about him all the time. It helps all of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 Yes, bring him the baked thing and a card, but also: Don't be afraid to say her name! When people die it seems like well-meaning friends go out of their way to not utter the name for fear that it will make the grieving people feel worse. Say her name and if you have any warm memories of her, TELL HIM about them! That means so much to people! Yes. ...And in a few months, when all the support has settled down... say her name then, too, and invite him to talk about her. I'm sorry for his loss. How heartbreaking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanvan Posted August 24, 2012 Author Share Posted August 24, 2012 (edited) Yes, bring him the baked thing and a card, but also: Don't be afraid to say her name! When people die it seems like well-meaning friends go out of their way to not utter the name for fear that it will make the grieving people feel worse. Say her name and if you have any warm memories of her, TELL HIM about them! That means so much to people! I actually don't know her name. I saw her from our kitchen window a few times when she was younger. I don't know much about her. Maybe I can say how much he must miss her? ETA: We'll think of some questions that might allow him to talk about her. Then if he doesn't seem to want to, we can back off. Edited August 24, 2012 by shanvan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 Agreeing with this others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jpoy85 Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 i would do a card (but i make cards for just this reason ;)) Its usually the time after the shock settles down that people tend to hush it all or forget and that hurts just as badly as when you lose someone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatCyndiGirl Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 I actually don't know her name. I saw her from our kitchen window a few times when she was younger. I don't know much about her. Maybe I can say how much he must miss her? When he talks about her, then. What I meant was that it seems like people will say "she/her" a lot and will sidestep around the actual name once it's known, like in your situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanvan Posted August 24, 2012 Author Share Posted August 24, 2012 When he talks about her, then. What I meant was that it seems like people will say "she/her" a lot and will sidestep around the actual name once it's known, like in your situation. I'll have to pay extra special attention, b/c names just fly out of my head! I've been wondering if seeing my Dd outside playing would upset him--maybe thinking why his daughter? I can't imagine how I'd feel in his place. I've kept her out of his driveway b/c I'm just not sure and want to be respectful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanvan Posted August 27, 2012 Author Share Posted August 27, 2012 Thanks to everyone who gave advice. We walked over yesterday and gave our neighbor the card and zucchini bread. He definitely wanted to talk about his daughter, even though he was close to tears. Turns out I did have a few memories of her. I used to see her visiting and walking her dolls in a doll stroller. She was in college and doing too much, which they think contributed to her death. She was working late at her Uncle's restaurant and planned to drive to a shore town to meet friends. Uncle saw that she wasn't well and told her to stop off at her mom's first to spend the night. She listened to him, but not long after arriving at her mom's she died. Very sad. Dh and I can't stop thinking about it. He said his daughter was very much like our daughter. :sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted August 27, 2012 Share Posted August 27, 2012 Take it from someone that has lost a child. It's the mundane, ordinary gestures that help us know that life keeps going even through the fog of loss. Someone had ordered my husband and myself from a steak shop so we could eat dinner without going through the motions of cooking. We were in such shock that nothing seemed real. We then took our energies out on some overgrown bushes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted August 27, 2012 Share Posted August 27, 2012 If you can over the next few weeks, cut the grass, remind him it's garbage day and take his cans to the road or bring them back. Be neighborly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanvan Posted August 27, 2012 Author Share Posted August 27, 2012 If you can over the next few weeks, cut the grass, remind him it's garbage day and take his cans to the road or bring them back. Be neighborly. I've been trying to think of what else we can do. They have a lawn service, but we're going to do our best to be on the lookout for opportunities. I still wonder if seeing my Dd makes it harder for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KatieJ Posted August 27, 2012 Share Posted August 27, 2012 I've been trying to think of what else we can do. They have a lawn service, but we're going to do our best to be on the lookout for opportunities. I still wonder if seeing my Dd makes it harder for him. It does, but there is nothing you can do about that. Our friends mourn everytime out DD has a milestone that they know their son is having. Just keep on doing what you are doing and stay aware of opportunities to bless them. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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