Confrontation: When do you think you should and when you shouldn't

[QuirkyKapers]

Under what circumstances do you think you should confront a person about behavior or situation? What good does confrontation do? If they ask me, I am honest about what I think. Just curious people's thoughts about this! I am very hesitant to confront people about a behavior.

[Mrs Mungo]

Does it have a direct impact on me? Do I have to regularly interact with them? Then, I confront. Otherwise, I mind my own business and/or start avoiding them.

[hsbaby]

I can bite my tongue if it is directed towards me. If it is something the affects my kids, however, I will confront the situation. Usually through email.....because I am a weenie like that:tongue_smilie:

[QuirkyKapers]

Does it have a direct impact on me? Do I have to regularly interact with them? Then, I confront. Otherwise, I mind my own business and/or start avoiding them.

 

 

Great questions! What if it doesn't have a negative impact on you but you see that it will for them but you know if you say anything, it could cost you the friendship?

[Impish]

Honestly, it depends.

 

There are things I *should* have confronted both my mother and MIL over, and ignored, ignored, ignored, b/c I knew confrontation was a waste of time and energy. Nothing would change, just loads of hysterics and drama that I don't want to deal w/.

 

I'd rather keep my head down and just get around as best I can than deal w/the fallout.

[5 Hikers]

I hate confrontation and only do it when I must. If it involves the kids I have to, but I will allow myself to be run over and used to avoid it. It usually reaches a point where I just start avoiding the person rather than confront.

 

I just want to be nice to everyone. I wish people didn't take advantage.

[lailasmum]

I am not big on confrontation but usually will go there if I really have no other avenue of communication and someone needs a wakeup call. For example I wouldn't mind a confrontation with my brother's landlord as they are really acting like idiots right now and no-one seems to get through to them via regular means.

[woolybear]

I have confronted teens/tweens not behaving well for several reasons.

 

When I saw some kids throwing rocks at geese, I confronted them for these reasons:

1)I didn't want the geese to be hurt. I think they needed immediate help (protection.)

2) People (kids in particular) need to know there are people out there who will call them on this stuff. They need to be held accountable.

3) I think maybe this was the most important one. I wanted to set the example for ds to stand up for what is right. He was not comfortable for me to do this, but I told him I needed to do it.

 

I have done similar things in other situations.

 

In some situations though (where no immediate harm will ensue) I find the better course to be to just hold my tongue and maybe avoid the person.

[Mrs Mungo]

Great questions! What if it doesn't have a negative impact on you but you see that it will for them but you know if you say anything, it could cost you the friendship?

 

It really depends on what it is.

 

I had a friend (friend A) who did something bad to another (mutual) friend (friend B). Sorry to be vague, but that's how it has to be, lol. I really felt friend B had been wronged and that friend A was being a really big hypocrite. I didn't feel comfortable maintaining a friendship with her because I didn't feel that *I* could trust her anymore. What if she did to me what she did to friend B? So, I confronted her and we sort of broke up as friends.

 

Is it a parenting decision that I just disagree with? Then, I probably would not confront, unless it was illegal or something.

[Stacy in NJ]

it. For my own piece of mind, I find it easier to speak up - hopefully respectfully - when I feel the need. That being said, not a lot offends me and it doesn't particularly disturb me if I offend others.

 

Soooo, it depends on the circumstances. :D

[Cassy]

I mostly make an effort to avoid confrontation, as I was brought up by a mother who confronted everyone on everything. My mother's behaviour mostly caused a lot of wasted effort and emotion and damaged relationships, it was rare that anything good came out of her confronting people. My rule is to confront only if it is highly likely that in the end it will improve a situation.

[Stacy in NJ]

Great questions! What if it doesn't have a negative impact on you but you see that it will for them but you know if you say anything, it could cost you the friendship?

 

A couple years ago, my very best friend who also happens to be my step-sister made a life altering decision that I felt very strongly was a very poor decision. I did express my opinion and we did have a short term falling out. Eventually, I accepted her choice while still not exactly approving of it. We're still very close and the relationship has been mended.

 

My advice is to say something but try to do it in a loving way knowing your advice may not change the outcome. If your relationship is strong enough, it will survive. If it's not, then it probably wasn't all that important of an relationship to begin with.

[QuirkyKapers]

I mostly make an effort to avoid confrontation, as I was brought up by a mother who confronted everyone on everything. My mother's behaviour mostly caused a lot of wasted effort and emotion and damaged relationships, it was rare that anything good came out of her confronting people. My rule is to confront only if it is highly likely that in the end it will improve a situation.

 

 

Yes! The trouble is knowing if the confrontation is going to really improve the situation. Unless someone directly asks what you think, and depending on how you confront, it could destructive and construed as judgmental. I will admit again, I don't like confrontation. So, if someone doesn't ask me, I rarely confront. What is the point of the confrontation anyway if you know in the end it won't do any good and you will end up walking away?

[Mama Anna]

I'll offer an opinion, for what it's worth.

 

I'm not fond of confrontation either, but I'll do it at times. For me it comes down to:

 

1) Will it be a long-term problem in my life? (Seeing a total stranger smoking right next to a "no smoking" sign in a random store obviously doesn't qualify.)

 

2) Does it involve foundational principles on my part? (Cruelty to animals, strong people taking advantage of the weak, etc. are likely to tempt me to step in.)

 

3) If it involves a close relationship; will I hold myself responsible if I keep my mouth shut and the bad decision has the expected results? (For me, it's not about changing someone's mind in a situation like this. But I hope to avoid having someone come to me later with their life broken in pieces and accusing me; "Why didn't you say something?!?!")

 

Lastly, I try to analyze my motives: Am I just angry because my pride or dignity have been threatened/hurt? Am I trying to defend myself from what I consider to be an attack on my beliefs? Or am I really stepping in to help someone else and/or right an egregious wrong? Can I speak (or write) my piece quietly and with dignity in a way that separates it from my own self-worth? In other words, can I offer my opinion or remind someone of something (their own previously stated beliefs, etc.) and then leave it on the table for them to deal with, not taking it personally if they make no change after I have spoken with them? If I'm horribly angry simply because they didn't listen to me I know I've confronted with wrong motives. Obviously, if they continue to abuse someone/something after I've spoken to them, I have a right to be disturbed and need to appeal the situation to a higher authority.

 

Clear as mud, eh?

 

In my personal relationships, I try to not confront or object very often so that when I do my friends/family members are more likely to listen. It also helps to plan your points well, practice them beforehand, role-play (even if only in your head) various responses, use a quiet, reasonable tone, and have a good exit planned.

 

If I know from experience that someone in my family will not listen to me, I usually distance myself and just do the "nod and smile" routine. Happily, I haven't had to confront a spouse or adult child who is unreasonable and physically violent. My tactics would be very different, then . . .

 

Mama Anna

[kalanamak]

Does it have a direct impact on me? Do I have to regularly interact with them? Then, I confront. Otherwise, I mind my own business and/or start avoiding them.

 

This, plus if I have a social or professional responsibility. Remember the man who set himself on fire over the Vietnam War, with his child in his lap? And the passerbyers pleaded with him to toss him the child and he did and she lived? Social responsibility.

 

99% of the confrontations in my life have been professional. I hate them.

[QuirkyKapers]

I'll offer an opinion, for what it's worth.

 

I'm not fond of confrontation either, but I'll do it at times. For me it comes down to:

 

1) Will it be a long-term problem in my life? (Seeing a total stranger smoking right next to a "no smoking" sign in a random store obviously doesn't qualify.)

 

2) Does it involve foundational principles on my part? (Cruelty to animals, strong people taking advantage of the weak, etc. are likely to tempt me to step in.)

 

3) If it involves a close relationship; will I hold myself responsible if I keep my mouth shut and the bad decision has the expected results? (For me, it's not about changing someone's mind in a situation like this. But I hope to avoid having someone come to me later with their life broken in pieces and accusing me; "Why didn't you say something?!?!")

 

Lastly, I try to analyze my motives: Am I just angry because my pride or dignity have been threatened/hurt? Am I trying to defend myself from what I consider to be an attack on my beliefs? Or am I really stepping in to help someone else and/or right an egregious wrong? Can I speak (or write) my piece quietly and with dignity in a way that separates it from my own self-worth? In other words, can I offer my opinion or remind someone of something (their own previously stated beliefs, etc.) and then leave it on the table for them to deal with, not taking it personally if they make no change after I have spoken with them? If I'm horribly angry simply because they didn't listen to me I know I've confronted with wrong motives. Obviously, if they continue to abuse someone/something after I've spoken to them, I have a right to be disturbed and need to appeal the situation to a higher authority.

 

Clear as mud, eh?

 

In my personal relationships, I try to not confront or object very often so that when I do my friends/family members are more likely to listen. It also helps to plan your points well, practice them beforehand, role-play (even if only in your head) various responses, use a quiet, reasonable tone, and have a good exit planned.

 

If I know from experience that someone in my family will not listen to me, I usually distance myself and just do the "nod and smile" routine. Happily, I haven't had to confront a spouse or adult child who is unreasonable and physically violent. My tactics would be very different, then . . .

 

Mama Anna

 

 

Great post!

[QuirkyKapers]

99% of the confrontations in my life have been professional. I hate them.

 

:grouphug: If you weren't in a profession that you had to confront, would you still?

[kalanamak]

:grouphug: If you weren't in a profession that you had to confront, would you still?

 

That 1% of the time. If I weren't in my profession, I wouldn't face all those others. They happen at work.

[QuirkyKapers]

That 1% of the time. If I weren't in my profession, I wouldn't face all those others. They happen at work.

:grouphug::grouphug: This would be so hard. Have you learned any techniques that you think work when confronting or does it just suck no matter what?

[kalanamak]

:grouphug::grouphug: This would be so hard. Have you learned any techniques that you think work when confronting or does it just suck no matter what?

 

It is made easy by the fact I am not confronting anyone on MY behalf (or rarely). I am a "defender". I'm a much more fierce other-defender than I am a self-defender. For myself, I avoid confrontation unless it is to prevent physical or financial harm. My emotions are iron clad, and need no defense.