Are all 14yr old boys this way?

[4everHis]

It was 97 here yesterday. Way above normal. DH calls because, he got off work early, and wants to take us to the beach. DS14 is obviously miffed that we're taking him with us but if left to himself would sit in a corner and listen to music all day. I have never felt sand in Michigan so hot before but ds14 sits on the beach for 3 hours of the 3 hours and 5 minutes we were there. In a BLACK t-shirt! DH remarked that he wasn't sure he wanted to do our family camping trip if this was how it was going to be. I say, "let him sit." He wasn't hurting anyone but himself but it is a downer to watch. I absolutely don't think we should let his actions control our plans but I wonder if there are wise women who've btdt with any advice.

 

TIA!

[Amy in NH]

Yup. My just-turned-15yo did that last weekend. Refuses to wear shorts, always wears black jeans and a black t-shirt.

 

So, when we went to the river yesterday because it was 95 degrees out, I made him put his bathing suit on before we left the house, insisting against all his multiple arguments and complaints. He definitely wasn't going swimming. Then when we got there he changed his mind had quite obviously had a great time swimming for an hour.

[elegantlion]

Tell your 14 year old that my 14 year old would love to live near a beach. We have none, it's horrid. My ds is always hot, even in the winter, so he'd be without a shirt for sure. 97 and no beach is really awful. We're not quite there yet temperature wise, but we will be.

 

My opinion. let him be, he's 14, he doesn't get to dictate what the family does. If he wants to have an attitude and a bad time let him. Of course, I'd probably be burying him in sand if my ds just sat there. I pick and poke at my ds when he's grumpy. Dh swears we act like siblings half the time. It's part of my duty to remind him the world doesn't revolve around his angst (although my ds is pretty laid back he has his moments)

[4everHis]

Tell your 14 year old that my 14 year old would love to live near a beach. We have none, it's horrid. My ds is always hot, even in the winter, so he'd be without a shirt for sure. 97 and no beach is really awful. We're not quite there yet temperature wise, but we will be.

 

My opinion. let him be, he's 14, he doesn't get to dictate what the family does. If he wants to have an attitude and a bad time let him. Of course, I'd probably be burying him in sand if my ds just sat there. I pick and poke at my ds when he's grumpy. Dh swears we act like siblings half the time. It's part of my duty to remind him the world doesn't revolve around his angst (although my ds is pretty laid back he has his moments)

 

It's a lot about perspective isn't it. I guess I might have seen his wanting to stay home but it was hot IN the house too. We all just ignored him, though I continued to be kind and tell him where the food and drink was, but I refuse to get caught up in this 'angst' as you call it or let it dictate our family life. I was so surprised dh even thought that way. This is the one kid that is TOTALLY opposite of him though.

[4everHis]

Yup. My just-turned-15yo did that last weekend. Refuses to wear shorts, always wears black jeans and a black t-shirt.

 

So, when we went to the river yesterday because it was 95 degrees out, I made him put his bathing suit on before we left the house, insisting against all his multiple arguments and complaints. He definitely wasn't going swimming. Then when we got there he changed his mind had quite obviously had a great time swimming for an hour.

 

Mine had his swimsuit on and went in for a total of about 5 min. He doesn't talk or complain, God love him, he stews and generally follows direction. :tongue_smilie: I just hate that my most laid back, easy going, happy boy has turned into this. I can't wait for the 'change back.':) There will be one right?

[Danestress]

Honestly, I live in the heat. I sometimes have to sit in the sun for hours when my son is in a tennis tournament. I often take an umbrella for shade, but it's still hot around hard courts in 100 degree weather - they absolutely radiate heat. It's not really safe, but the kids seem to get used to it.

 

I don't really think about what color I am wearing. I don't think it's that much hotter to wear a black T-shirt than a white one. I wear what is clean:) I am not sure what annoyed you so much about this .... was it the choice not to swim? Or did you want him to go shirtless?

 

Anyway, my 14 year old boys also like listening to music and might choose to do that rather than go on a family outing. I was trying to think of something we could do for fun on Friday, because that is their one free day this week (they have driver's Ed for two weeks, yikes) and there was nothing they really wanted to do. A hike or canoe venture with Mom just didn't sound that fun to them (sob!)

 

It is sad in a way when they don't take as much joy in our company as we do in theirs. I adore my boys. I could sit and look at them all day. I bask in their presence, and they seem to suffer in mine, lol.

 

Okay, I am exaggerating. My boys are pretty nice to me. But it doesn't seem at all unusual for a teen boy to sort of sulk when forced to join his family on an outing he is not interested in. There is nothing wrong with expecting him to just suck it up and ignoring his sulkiness. That's what we mostly do.

[*********]

My dss is 15.

 

We are going on a 10 day family vacation in a few weeks, and he is coming. Honestly, I'm a little apprehensive about how he will behave.

 

He's not a bad kid, not at all. But he's just 'too cool' for anything anymore. He also won't wear shorts. Ever. I don't know why. And he won't go shirtless, even at the beach. Again, I don't know why. He is fit and trim. I don't know what the issue is.

 

Plus, we don't allow objectionable entertainment of any kind; movies, tv, music. So, yeah. We're not as 'cool' as mom's house. :tongue_smilie:

 

I hope he'll enjoy his time with dad and his brothers. All I know to do with him anymore is feed him. But any of you ladies with teenage boys know how happy that can make them. :D Well, and I listen to him talk about whatever is currently interesting him. And, you know, try to look interested and engaged while doing it.

 

He's a good boy. I think in a few years, it'll all even out. I hope. Someone tell me he'll be normal again, ok? :001_smile:

[4everHis]

Honestly, I live in the heat. I sometimes have to sit in the sun for hours when my son is in a tennis tournament. I often take an umbrella for shade, but it's still hot around hard courts in 100 degree weather - they absolutely radiate heat. It's not really safe, but the kids seem to get used to it.

 

I don't really think about what color I am wearing. I don't think it's that much hotter to wear a black T-shirt than a white one. I wear what is clean:) I am not sure what annoyed you so much about this .... was it the choice not to swim? Or did you want him to go shirtless?

 

Anyway, my 14 year old boys also like listening to music and might choose to do that rather than go on a family outing. I was trying to think of something we could do for fun on Friday, because that is their one free day this week (they have driver's Ed for two weeks, yikes) and there was nothing they really wanted to do. A hike or canoe venture with Mom just didn't sound that fun to them (sob!)

 

It is sad in a way when they don't take as much joy in our company as we do in theirs. I adore my boys. I could sit and look at them all day. I bask in their presence, and they seem to suffer in mine, lol.

 

Okay, I am exaggerating. My boys are pretty nice to me. But it doesn't seem at all unusual for a teen boy to sort of sulk when forced to join his family on an outing he is not interested in. There is nothing wrong with expecting him to just suck it up and ignoring his sulkiness. That's what we mostly do.

 

LOL! I don't care what color shirt he wears just thought it comical that he'd pick the hottest day of the year, on a hot beach, to wear a color that attracts heat. Which caused suffering to no one but himself.:glare: We're also home 98% of the time so find it odd that he'd turn down a chance to get out of a hot house. I'm always amazed at 'hardheadedness.' :D but maybe that's the advantage to having spent almost 50 years living! We'll be taking your advice to have him suck it up and then ignore his sulkiness.

[shanvan]

Wow! You mean other people endure the same pouts I have to live through? What a relief. We had a similar experience yesterday. Ds insisted he did not want to go to the pool. Dd and I wanted to go. He says he'll stay home and watch the dogs. (They don't need watching.) Seems he wants every opportunity to stay home.

 

Well, I made him come with us. He sat in a chair in the sun for a long time--I don't know how ling b/c I was ignoring him. Finally he went in the pool began to enjoy himself and then insisted we had to stay longer when it was time to go. Uggh!

 

It really is sometimes like I say black, he says white. I do think part of this type of behavior is a control issue, and sometimes it's hard not to get sucked in.

[TheApprentice]

I actually allow my 14yo ds to not come along family outings sometimes because of his attitude. When I make him, it's not pleasant for anyone. When he chooses to come, he is engaged. This setup keeps me sane and our relationship intake. I do make him to other things though, like volunteer this summer.;) But low and behold, he is actually enjoying being around kids and working.

[Kissy]

My doesn't pout about swimming but he does other things just like that. It is like you can't tell him anything. For instance he was helping dh hang clothes on a line on the deck (yes I know tacky but the dryer broke and dh hasn't had a day off to look at it) he put his foot on the deck railing. My deck needs to be replaced and the teen knows it so dh tells him that is not safe to be on the railing. He says I will be fine is told again and told to go get a stool..then gets all upset and starts huffing about not wanting to do things with dh and how he knows how to do things. It doesn't matter that if he fell off the deck it would seriously hurt him. Seems these days there are more little things that he balks at than ever. I am hoping it will end soon and I can have my son back.

[4everHis]

Wow! You mean other people endure the same pouts I have to live through? What a relief. We had a similar experience yesterday. Ds insisted he did not want to go to the pool. Dd and I wanted to go. He says he'll stay home and watch the dogs. (They don't need watching.) Seems he wants every opportunity to stay home.

 

Well, I made him come with us. He sat in a chair in the sun for a long time--I don't know how ling b/c I was ignoring him. Finally he went in the pool began to enjoy himself and then insisted we had to stay longer when it was time to go. Uggh!

 

It really is sometimes like I say black, he says white. I do think part of this type of behavior is a control issue, and sometimes it's hard not to get sucked in.

 

:001_smile:apparently we're not alone. That's sad and comforting at the same time. Thankfully, we can come here and gain comfort from each other.

[4everHis]

I actually allow my 14yo ds to not come along family outings sometimes because of his attitude. When I make him, it's not pleasant for anyone. When he chooses to come, he is engaged. This setup keeps me sane and our relationship intake. I do make him to other things though, like volunteer this summer.;) But low and behold, he is actually enjoying being around kids and working.

 

Believe me, there are times we leave dd14 home too. I'm thinking my issue is with his inablitlity (immaturity?) in just sucking it up and dealing with the fact that he's out, will be for at least 4 hours, so deal with it. :tongue_smilie::)

[4everHis]

My doesn't pout about swimming but he does other things just like that. It is like you can't tell him anything. For instance he was helping dh hang clothes on a line on the deck (yes I know tacky but the dryer broke and dh hasn't had a day off to look at it) he put his foot on the deck railing. My deck needs to be replaced and the teen knows it so dh tells him that is not safe to be on the railing. He says I will be fine is told again and told to go get a stool..then gets all upset and starts huffing about not wanting to do things with dh and how he knows how to do things. It doesn't matter that if he fell off the deck it would seriously hurt him. Seems these days there are more little things that he balks at than ever. I am hoping it will end soon and I can have my son back.

I asked dh if he actually 'felt' the moment he turned stupid?:D since we weren't that way before but at some point in the last year we got that way. . . .:001_huh:

[tntgoodwin]

I'm in Hawaii and I prefer to wear jeans and black t-shirts most of the time myself.

[MegP]

NM

Edited March 19, 2016 by MegP

[elfgivas]

our response to routine moodiness is to go "no media" and add in more outdoor time, earlier bedtimes, more exercise, reduce junk food..

 

ie. if what you are watching/listening/eating/doing leads to this behavior/attitude, then we need to stop that influence for a while. so no television, no computer, no music, no phone.....

 

attitudes change pretty quickly. then we gradually reintroduce things, and the minute the attitude changes we take away the last thing we reintroduced.

 

once or twice around is all it has taken for each teen... the added benefit has been that each of our teens has become aware of how input changes output......

 

fwiw,

ann

[Wendi]

Well, my ds15 insists on wearing jeans, a jacket, and a knit hat pretty much every day. (He's an Aspie, and it's like these clothes are a security blanket or something.)

 

But, at the beach, he wears a bathing suit and rash guard. He swims, boogie boards, or digs a hole in the sand. Or sits with me under the umbrella and chats or listens to his iPod and enjoys the beach.

 

I could imagine my ds grumbling that he doesn't want to go, but once there, he'd love it. We are going on vacation to the beach soon, and he can't wait.

 

Wendi

[higginszoo]

Dh calls this the pod people stage. For most kids, it only lasts a year or two, and thankfully, we haven't had to deal with it head-on yet, though my 14 year old has me drop him off across the street for softball practice (church league) because having parents is like, so embarrassing. My almost-13 year old will likely be the mopier one. We already have to drag her sometimes, but she usually gives in and participates once we're there.

 

But yeah, we'll just ignore it and drag them along and ignore the attitude. If they don't want to have fun, that's their business, but they're still part of the family.

[Amy in NH]

I actually allow my 14yo ds to not come along family outings sometimes because of his attitude. When I make him, it's not pleasant for anyone. When he chooses to come, he is engaged.

 

My Mom let me opt out of family things when I was a teen, and now I deeply regret it. I won't let my kids opt out. If they want to sulk and pout, they can do it in the corner wherever we are.

 

He was very angst-filled at the start of 14, but by the time he was 14-1/2 he was much more easy to live with. He is actually funny, friendly, and nice to be with most of the time. I stuck to the family "rules" when he was re-testing the limits at the beginning of the year. But I don't hassle him about much else, I choose my battles, and I do things with him that he wants to do (dying his hair funky colors for him, etc.). Still, he's too cool to wear anything but black (which does make a difference in the heat), and won't wear shorts. I just laugh at him. I actually asked him if he had his period when he didn't want to swim... I find it helps to maintain a sense of humor.

[hthnmamax2]

My boys are 14 and 16 and this seems to be more of a problem with my youngest. We have a rule in our family about participating in things with the family.

 

"You will go, you will smile, and you will enjoy yourself whether you like it or not. We don't know what tomorrow brings so make the most of the time you have with those you love."

 

Being military for 17 years I've seen too many kids not get that tomorrow with their Mom or Dad and heard the guilt they carry from choosing to not participate when they could. As long as I have the ability to make sure that doesn't happen to my kids I will.