Sulking and your 11 year old...

[claire+3]

My oldest dd has just turned eleven. She has mostly been a typical first-born--compliant, rule-follower, eager learner, and generally obedient. In fact, we really have not had to do much discipline with her at all, compared to our other two DC. But in the last few months she has taken to pouting and sulking whenever her Dad or I make a decision that she doesn't really agree with. It can be as simple as, "we are going to Lowe's". She doesn't want to go to Lowe's, yet she will not verbalize her disagreement, she just gets this pouty look on her face and sits around and sulks with her arms crossed. Then she sulks in the car the whole way there and gives everyone the silent treatment. It drives me nuts!! DH and I discussed this and debated whether we should ignore it and not give it any energy, or address it head-on and put some consequences in place. We first chose to ignore it as much as we could (though I admit shame-facedly, a couple of times I snapped at her-"Wipe that pouty look off your face," etc.), but the behavior has continued and gotten worse.

Any parents out there deal with this kind of behavior and have some strategies that have worked? Would you choose to ignore it or confront it head-on? What consequences would be appropriate for this behavior? This is new parenting territory for us and I would appreciate any words of wisdom.

Thanks,

Claire

[dangermom]

I think I would wait until she's in a normal mood and have a little talk. "I've noticed you getting pouty when you don't like how things are going. That's not a good attitude to have and ruins everyone else's fun as well as your own. It's not going to change my mind about what we're doing, either. From now on I will be calling you on it when I see you pouting; you are old enough not to behave like a little kid. I'd like to warn you now that if you behave badly and ruin other people's fun, you might not get to do as many fun things yourself as you would like."

 

Then, when she pulls that sort of thing, remind her neutrally that she is ruining her own fun as well as everyone else's, and it won't get her anywhere. Don't do anything else, though--hammering at her will probably not help and she doesn't have to love everything or pretend to. But, if she wants to do something fun later in the day, you might make a show of reluctance or deny it to her, because 'nice things happen when you're nice, but if you aren't nice, nice things don't happen so often.'

 

Don't get all emotionally engaged, and remember that she's dealing with a lot of hormones that are making her kinda wacky. Let her have her snit fit and don't pay too much attention--just remind her that it's not a winning strategy and let it go.

 

 

(I have an almost-12 and a moody 9yo, both girls. Feel free to ignore me! :))

[Chris in VA]

Hmm. She may be asking for more choice/input/control over her time. I don't really have a problem with that. I disagree with Dangermom (sorry, DM! I still love you!:D)

that she should be told she is ruining fun for everyone, as I believe that makes her too responsible for others' emotions and I don't want to give my kids that much power. I get what she's saying--but I just think maybe being given a little more choice would be a good thing.

But if you look at my track record, who am I to be giving advice. ;):tongue_smilie:

[claire+3]

DangerMom, I like your approach, "I notice that you've been a bit pouty. . ." I think this would work well with dd and I think I will try this.

 

Chris in VA, I think you are right about her struggles with wanting, yet not being quite old enough to make her own decisions. I will try to think of some other ways that I can give her some more choice and empowerment over how she spends her time.

Thanks for responding!

Claire

[Starr]

My mantra was, "if you can't be nice with your family you need to spend more time with them." If she isn't nice with family activities cut out some of hers. All I ever had to do was threaten.

[Momling]

I have a 10 yr old who sounds a lot like yours. I've been told it's all puberty related and will last for a year or two until she starts her period...

[AimeeM]

We ignore it.

 

Punishing a mood isn't something we choose to do. We do NOT want to force a fake good mood just because we placed consequences for pouting.

If she feels sulky, she will sulk. Doesn't mean we have to acknowledge it; but I'm not going to make her PRETEND a feeling (ie good mood) that she doesn't sincerely FEEL. Bad setup, in my opinion, for adult life. I never want to "mask" her moods.

 

Last night she randomly started crying in her bedroom. When I asked her what was wrong, she replied that "Dad is mean". I asked her how "Dad is mean" and she said she couldn't explain. Poor Dad, when called into the room, is bewildered - told her that if she couldn't explain it, it doesn't exist. To which she actually shouted at him! So out of character for our easy going first born that he just kissed her, told her he loved her, reminded her that this was his house and he pays the bills - no yelling allowed, and left the room. I stayed behind - both to reiterate that we do not yell at Dad, under any circumstances, and to ask again what was wrong. She haltingly, while sobbing, told me that Dad's TONE was mean. I laughed. I told her that every man I met spoke with no regard to their "tone". My father's mantra growing up was "what I say matters, not how I say it" and my husband is similar. Caring, loving, wonderful husbands and fathers - but not very emotionally in tune. I laughed because the only real argument my husband and I ever have is when I feel his "tone" is off to me; when the poor man doesn't give regard to how he says something and I feel it is condescending or "mean" towards me.

 

I laughed, she eventually laughed, kissed her father and apologized. Sometimes, a hug, short talk, and a good laugh are all that's needed.

 

Hormones are a huge issue at this age too. Two minutes before this melt down, Autumn was laughing, playing on the floor with our german shepherd, and watching Master Chef with us. Dad told her it was time for bed and she stalked off to her room - to be found sobbing five minutes later. :tongue_smilie:

[fairfarmhand]

childish...but

 

I'd have a whisper conference with everyone else and we'd all mock her with our arms crosses, our lips poked out and sulky voices whining.

 

yes, immature I know, but my kids desperately want to be take seriously, and when they see that immature behavior gets them mockery, they are more likely to ARTICULATE WHAT IS WRONG rather than just act all put out.

 

I bet your dd needs permission to politely articulate her feelings and have you take them seriously. Even if she doesn't get her way, she needs to be able to tell you things politely and be heard.

[catz]

I bet your dd needs permission to politely articulate her feelings and have you take them seriously. Even if she doesn't get her way, she needs to be able to tell you things politely and be heard.

 

I think articulating the feelings is where it's at. At my house it's fine to say "I wish I didn't have to do X". It's not really ok to sulk and mope without stating an actual problem. I have an 11 year old too (son) who has always been a super easy kid and just cops major attitude and drama constantly lately. I pick my battles carefully. I wouldn't take him on an errand like running to Lowe's and I leave him home for up to a few daylight hours on his own. Which has helped my sanity quite a bit too.