If your husband really hates his job. . .

[Love2teach0307]

How do you encourage your husband when he's in a position he absolutely hates? My husband is the top employee at the company, but things are getting unbearable. He's put out resumes with no nibbles yet in finding a new place to work. I'm more than willing to travel and move, but it seems we're stuck here. I tutor part-time, we live frugally, and he sees that I get to live my dream in homeschooling and being with my kids, but he has to do a job he hates that increasingly takes up his spare time. When he gets this depressed over his job, he starts thinking that if we both worked minimum wage jobs and put the kids in public school, he would have no stress. This chills my very soul because I do not want my children anywhere near a PS. When things are good, he loves that I homeschool. Any ideas on how to make him feel appreciated and important apart from providing a pay check?

[athena1277]

We've been in that same situation. My advice is to make home as peaceful as possible. Try to keep things reasonable tidy, make his favorite meals a little more often, and try to be patient when he comes home in a bad mood. If there are problems at home (minor house repairs, kid's discipline, etc) that you can handle with out bringing him into it, do it. Anything to relieve some of the stress until he finds a new job. Being as supportive as you can will help him a lot and can strengthen your marriage in the long run.

 

:grouphug: Hope he finds something soon!

[photomo]

We've been in that same situation. My advice is to make home as peaceful as possible. Try to keep things reasonable tidy, make his favorite meals a little more often, and try to be patient when he comes home in a bad mood. If there are problems at home (minor house repairs, kid's discipline, etc) that you can handle with out bringing him into it, do it. Anything to relieve some of the stress until he finds a new job. Being as supportive as you can will help him a lot and can strengthen your marriage in the long run.

 

:grouphug: Hope he finds something soon!

 

 

Great suggestions!

[jrn]

:iagree:

 

Continue to be as supportive as possible. Keep sending out resumes. Maybe send out a wider variety of resumes. My dh finally found a different job in something he never thought of at first. :grouphug:

[Lara in Colo]

I tell DH how much his sacrifice means to us.

I make the children see his sacrifice and appreciate the privilege of homeschooling and how much DH must do to make it happen.

 

 

His sacrifice will be less of a burden if he sees the appreciation and feels it is an act of love to go to work each day. I probably tell him weekly how much it means to us that he works so hard so we can give this gift to the children, and all the reasons I think HSing will pay off in the character of our children.

 

This is also a big motivator for me when I want to slack off, I must work as hard as DH and sometimes do the hard stuff I don't want to so as to not waste his sacrifice.

[WVNA]

I'll be keeping an eye on this post since I'm in a similar situation to the original poster's husband. I have a good, stable job that pays well. It's also one I hate with a passion.

 

I'm actually going back to school part time now so I can work in another area that really interests me. However, doing that would require that I take a 50% pay cut and we just can't afford that right now and I feel very trapped.

[Marie131]

Is it the type of work he hates, the environment or both?

 

My dh is in a similar position. He is done doing the type of work he is in and the environment is really bad. He also put out a ton of resumes, I was willling to relocate, he got many interviews but no offers. We needed to re-evaluate. I asked him what his dream job would be. I knew the answer before I even asked. We decided to send him back to school for some retraining, we now have a plan in place. He is going to open his own business this fall while continue w/ his f/t job. The plan is that hopefully, with time, the self-employment will be enough to float us so that he can quit his job. I will do whatever it takes to support that. In all liklihood, I will become part of the business to help keep it going while he is still working his f/t job.

[Joker]

We're in the same boat, but I will return to work next year (as soon as youngest is done with elementary school work). I've just become so tired of seeing his face when he leaves in the morning. He loves his job, but hates the environment. If the girls go to school and I go to work, he can find a different job and take a cut in pay. I know the girls will be fine in ps, that we'll be able to work with them at home, and my dh will be happier. I think it's important for him to be happy and like what he's doing all day.

[*********]

Tell him. Tell him how much you appreciate that he goes to a job he loathes so that your family can homeschool.

 

Sometimes, I think they just need to hear it.

 

Also, the next time he brings up the 'we both get full time minimum wage jobs and put the kids in school', talk about the realities of that. Discuss what your reality would be if you did that. I see that your kids are 4 and 8. In order to have the 4 year old in 'school' full time, you'd be paying childcare fees. Also, if you're both working full time, who's getting the kids on the bus at 8:30 and who's home to get them off the bus at 4pm? Are you going to work different shifts so that one of you is available to do this (which would mean very little time with the whole family together), or are you going to pay childcare costs so that you can both work the same shift? Point out that he'd have to take on half of the house work if you were both working full time; be specific.

 

In other words, help him realize that the grass is NOT greener on the other side. Sure, it sounds great to him when he thinks of sharing the financial burden of the family with you. But his plan of how to do that will cause other burdens, like paying for child care/working opposite shifts and not having family time together, him having to take over household chores because you're working too, etc. Don't forget the extra gas for you both to work.

 

Talk through it realistically, and perhaps he'll see it's not such a great idea.

 

:grouphug:

[jewellsmommy]

I agree with so much already posted. Helping the dc to understand and appreciate is the biggest, I think. I also make sure now to get up with dh in the mornings. I fix him a drink to go, coffee, and a quick breakfast. Just devoting some morning attention can help start the day better.

 

My dh doesn't mind his job, but despises the politics and games that go on with the people around him, both co-workers and higher ups. He definitely feels undervalued at work. Pinpointing the cause of the unhappiness may help you to better counter-act it at home and help prevent it in the future (depending on the cause). My dh has definitely come to understand that every job has something. There is no perfect work environment. Sometimes you have to modify yourself or change your mindset or expectations. When dh started doing this he had a lot more peace even among the work chaos.

 

:grouphug:

[*********]

I tell DH how much his sacrifice means to us.

I make the children see his sacrifice and appreciate the privilege of homeschooling and how much DH must do to make it happen.

 

 

His sacrifice will be less of a burden if he sees the appreciation and feels it is an act of love to go to work each day. I probably tell him weekly how much it means to us that he works so hard so we can give this gift to the children, and all the reasons I think HSing will pay off in the character of our children.

 

This is also a big motivator for me when I want to slack off, I must work as hard as DH and sometimes do the hard stuff I don't want to so as to not waste his sacrifice.

 

This is a fantastic post, and it's what we do in our family, too. :)

[ljswriter]

I'm the primary wage earner in a stressful job (along with being the homeschooling parent), plus I work at earning a secondary income from writing. My husband stays home and watches our DD while I work. He earns some income on the side, but much of it goes to funding personal hobbies. And yes, I am often envious that he gets to stay home.

 

I'll admit it can be very hard to come home after a bad day, and what I perceive I'm walking into makes a HUGE difference in my outlook. If I come home to find the house tidy, my husband reasonably calm and willing to let me vent if need be, it's easier to decompress and to see that we're a homemaking team. (The addition of a favorite food offering is a nice bonus at this point!) If, on the other hand, I come home and trip over toys on the floor, can't get a glass of water for the pile of dishes in the sink, and find a sour face on my DH as he recites a laundry list of what went wrong with HIS day, it's very hard to grit my teeth and be gracious about it. It's like I've just fled the frying pan to land in the fire. And God help him if any kind of money grievance comes up.

 

So in answer to what can be done to encourage a spouse who hates their job, I would say make it clear how much you appreciate the personal sacrifices he is making for his family. Not by simply telling him, but showing him with all the little things you can do for him each day. Make it a point to add him to your to-do list. Every small gesture adds up to the big picture of the benefits he is reaping in return for his misery and stress.

 

My DH has been known to have a bath waiting for me (candles and all) after a bad day, or a special meal we share after the child is asleep. Occasional days off are designated "me" days, where he will take our DD out for the afternoon so I can de-stress by myself. Or he'll rent a movie he knows I want to see. This silently, yet effectively says he really GETS how hard I work for our family, and that he is running with that ball by taking pride in how our house looks/runs and in caring for me personally. It's darn hard to be resentful of someone who is that appreciative and invested in easing my stress.

[Mom-ninja.]

It seems a lot of people don't like their jobs. My dh hates his job. Well, he hates where he works and the people. He's wondering if he should take another job but that would mean a pay cut. Plus, he's going to school and we would have to repay all the tuition reimbursement we've gotten from his current job if he quit.

 

My cousin hates his job, but he has a great attitude about it. He says he hates what he does but is grateful it allows him to support his family, and that when he's upset or irritated with work he thinks about his family. He tells himself that his family is what is important, and he'll do whatever it takes to take care of them. I thought that was a very mature and wonderful attitude for him to have.