Need immediate help

[DawnM]

My parents are in town. They are staying about 12 miles from us for a few weeks.

 

They keep trying and trying to have the boys come over to where they are staying and have them over individually WITHOUT ME there.

 

I know what their agenda is.....it is to talk to them about spiritual things because I don't think they think I do a good enough job of it.

 

Dad is driving an older car of ours that isn't all that reliable and is certainly NOT impact safe for today's standards. I don't want them in that car and definitely not with my dad driving.

 

I have said no and said no and said no and they keep trying again and again.

 

How do I politely say no even when my mom keeps saying loudly, "BUT WHY?" and doesn't let up. This happens every time they visit.

 

So, they just called and Dad asked if he can come pick up my oldest (who has Asperger's) and take him to their place for a few hours this afternoon alone.

 

UM, NO!

 

How can I phrase this so that I don't hurt their feelings or do I just not worry about hurting their feelings?

 

Dawn

[AuntieM]

In your sweetest voice, just continue saying no. Think of it as though your dealing with three-year-olds, remember how many times you have to repeat the same thing to a little kid?

 

To answer the "But why?" I would say, "I'm just not comfortable with that." Repeat, repeat, repeat.

 

You will be mentally worn out by the end of the week, but count your blessings... in your case they eventually go back home. That's not true for everyone with challenging relatives!

 

ETA - I just wanted to add that it's funny, the way we always think we owe people an explanation for why we don't want to do something they're trying to get us to do for them. YOU DO NOT OWE THEM AN EXPLANATION. Remember that!

[Chris in VA]

"Dad, I love how you want to spend time with XX, but he's really more comfortable with you coming here. How about we plan some special time over here?"

 

Rinse, repeat.

 

Just curious, are you afraid they are going to share something you find false or inappropriate, spiritually? (I've heard of grandparents secretly baptising babies, for example...) Can you open up a conversation about that w/o your kids present? Not saying it'd be easy, by any means, but maybe by going there, you'd be living in the light, so to speak, and be able to at least make your needs/wants known. That may be frustrating, or may be good, depending.

 

Sorry for your situation.

[MariannNOVA]

[quote name='DawnM;3905768

 

]How do I politely say no even when my mom keeps saying loudly' date=' "BUT WHY?" and doesn't let up. This happens every time they visit.

 

you will have to answer her 'why.' Or it will continue to happen every time they visit.

 

Perhaps after it is answered (once and for all), the questions will stop.

 

 

How can I phrase this so that I don't hurt their feelings or do I just not worry about hurting their feelings?

 

Dawn[/quote']

 

Figure out what you want to tell them -- identify your issues and stick to the issues. Don't bring collateral things in -- if the issue is the relatively not up to standards vehicle, then say that. If it is your dad's driving

(and I can relate -- i do not let my kids in the car with any of the grandparents driving - and they cannot drive with my son in law behind the wheel either), state that. You will figure out a way to say it with the least amount of hurt feelings -- if all they really want to do is see the kids, they will move past your issues and perhaps suggest different solutions.

 

You do seem to be kind of stuck, however, if you are correct abut their agenda, as you said. IMO, the only way you can navigate this is to always be there during the visits so that the topic of conversation stays where you want it.

 

Do you all play board games, do craft projects? You have to be in charge of the visit then. Plan an activity, plan to be present for all of it, and you have to be the cruise director.

 

If the topic that you do not want discussed with the kids comes up, yhou have to be there to shut it down and move onto something else. Later on, you can be honest with your parents and let them know that you are responsible for your childrens' spiritual upbringing and it is not a topic open to discussion or questions - especially and particularly discussions or questions put to the kids. Add that you know that as a parent, your parents certainly understand that.

 

Good luck!;)

[pbb119]

Ask them to just come over and hang out with all of y'all?

 

Ask what their agenda is and tell them not to talk about stuff you consider to b off limits?

 

Tell them you are finishing up the school year and the kids can't take any time off right at the end?

 

Tell them the children have the stomach flu?

 

It is really hard for me to have any perspective on this.....my parents come and take out each one of my children individually a lot. I have 4, so they like giving 1 on 1 attention part of the time that they are here visiting. I couldn't imagine not wanting my kids to go off w/their grandparents....but it sounds like there is some background/history here....:confused:

[AuntieM]

snip

 

 

If the topic that you do not want discussed with the kids comes up, you have to be there to shut it down and move onto something else. Later on, you can be honest with your parents and let them know that you are responsible for your children's spiritual upbringing and it is not a topic open to discussion or questions - especially and particularly discussions or questions put to the kids. Add that you know that as a parent, your parents certainly understand that.

 

Good luck!;)

 

:iagree:

 

(Good to see you, Mariann!!! Hope you are settling in well! I am celebrating for you!)

[DawnM]

I truly believe my mother has am undiagnosed mental illness. There was some spiritual abuse in my past.

 

I am quite sure "the Lord told them to do it."

Edited May 14, 2012 by DawnM

[black_midori]

Ask them to just come over and hang out with all of y'all?

 

Ask what their agenda is and tell them not to talk about stuff you consider to b off limits?

 

Tell them you are finishing up the school year and the kids can't take any time off right at the end?

 

Tell them the children have the stomach flu?

 

It is really hard for me to have any perspective on this.....my parents come and take out each one of my children individually a lot. I have 4, so they like giving 1 on 1 attention part of the time that they are here visiting. I couldn't imagine not wanting my kids to go off w/their grandparents....but it sounds like there is some background/history here....:confused:

 

:iagree:

 

Just tell them flat-out that you aren't interested. If they keep asking, either keep answering "no", ignore the questions "I can't HEEEEaaaar you", or tell them something like "I'm sorry, didn't I already say no?".

 

I find it hard to fathom, too, as my kids are MUCH younger and hang out on a regular basis with both sets of grandparents. I actively encourage them to spend one-on-one time now, while they can.

 

Other than the spiritual thing, is there some over-riding reason NOT to allow them to spend time? Obviously you haven't completely parted ways, or they wouldn't be coming to stay so close & calling all the time.

 

At 12 miles away, you can just go drop your kid off - so the car thing is "eh" (just make it clear they can't drive anywhere after!).

 

Definitely at 14yo, and probably at 12yo, the spiritual thing to me is "eh" - unless they plan on doing some weird voodoo on them or inviting them into a cult or something, what can they say that will totally ruin your kids' spiritual lives in a couple of hours a couple times a week for a short time?

 

Personally, I think that your kids are old enough to deal with this. Just give it to them straight up-front & talk/laugh about it after...

[Parrothead]

Just tell them flat out.

 

No, they won't be spending time with you without me.

No, they won't be in that vehicle at all.

No, you will not discuss religion with them at all.

 

If they ask why, be just as plain.

 

I will not have them exposed to your religious beliefs at all. If you cannot abide by that rule they will not be able to visit you at all.

 

Hemming and hawing around the issue will just being more stress to you. Tell it like it is and they are welcome to abide by your rules or they can quit calling. Simple as that.

[mumto2]

Just say its not a good time. They are welcome at your house. YOU are still finishing school. DH says no worked for me--they were his parents!

 

It is a really hard position to be in. On one hand you want your children to enjoy their grandparents on the other you have safety. BTDT. On top of that my mil believed my kids were hers. She once told me she could do ANYTHING with them. They were her grandchildren. She wasn't bound by how we wanted our children raised!

 

Just say welcome at your house. I added please call first, they were local.

 

All I can say is I understand and :grouphug:

[sharon&4boys]

:iagree:

In your sweetest voice, just continue saying no. Think of it as though your dealing with three-year-olds, remember how many times you have to repeat the same thing to a little kid?

 

To answer the "But why?" I would say, "I'm just not comfortable with that." Repeat, repeat, repeat.

 

You will be mentally worn out by the end of the week, but count your blessings... in your case they eventually go back home. That's not true for everyone with challenging relatives!

 

ETA - I just wanted to add that it's funny, the way we always think we owe people an explanation for why we don't want to do something they're trying to get us to do for them. YOU DO NOT OWE THEM AN EXPLANATION. Remember that!

[DawnM]

There is no pass the bean dip with my mother. She has hounded me for YEARS and been quite manipulative about all of it.....she feels compelled because the Lord TOLD her to do it. :glare:

 

Or she will make comments, "Well, we wanted to do X but you kept saying no, so now look how badly it turned out." :glare:

 

I could go on an on, but as I said, I truly believe she is mentally ill, possibly Manic as she can be very sweet sometimes and then throw it all back in your face when she is depressed.

 

I called my dad and told him that we have SO MUCH to do today, particularly for tonight's scout meeting and that since they didn't tell us this yesterday, I just don't see how we can work it out.

 

Then when he asked about tomorrow I said, "You know, that is the last day the boys will have with you, so it would be great if we can ALL come over and help you clean and they can get scout service hours and help you get ready to leave at the same time." :D

 

So far, they seem ok with the plan but will call me tomorrow.

 

Dawn

[DawnM]

We have had the rule for YEARS that my mother is never to be with one of my kids without DH or me present. PERIOD! I haven't really shared that with them though as there would be no end of "we need to talk about this."

 

Mental illness is an issue she isn't willing to admit, but I truly believe it is present.

 

Dawn

 

Figure out what you want to tell them -- identify your issues and stick to the issues. Don't bring collateral things in -- if the issue is the relatively not up to standards vehicle, then say that. If it is your dad's driving

(and I can relate -- i do not let my kids in the car with any of the grandparents driving - and they cannot drive with my son in law behind the wheel either), state that. You will figure out a way to say it with the least amount of hurt feelings -- if all they really want to do is see the kids, they will move past your issues and perhaps suggest different solutions.

 

You do seem to be kind of stuck, however, if you are correct abut their agenda, as you said. IMO, the only way you can navigate this is to always be there during the visits so that the topic of conversation stays where you want it.

 

Do you all play board games, do craft projects? You have to be in charge of the visit then. Plan an activity, plan to be present for all of it, and you have to be the cruise director.

 

If the topic that you do not want discussed with the kids comes up, yhou have to be there to shut it down and move onto something else. Later on, you can be honest with your parents and let them know that you are responsible for your childrens' spiritual upbringing and it is not a topic open to discussion or questions - especially and particularly discussions or questions put to the kids. Add that you know that as a parent, your parents certainly understand that.

 

Good luck!;)

[DawnM]

Thank you all. I hate sharing personal issues most of the time but I really needed some advice.

 

Dawn

[Scuff]

You certainly don't owe them an explaination, but ai'd probably just be honest. I have with my parents inthe past. "No, dad. I'm sorry, but I just don't trust you to not discuss things with them as I have asked."

 

Eta- just read your last post. If they won't accept your answer, than don't explain it to them. Just keep saying no.

[AuntieM]

Thank you all. I hate sharing personal issues most of the time but I really needed some advice.

 

Dawn

 

I think what you need most is a big "YOU CAN DO IT!!!" and lots of these

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Sounds like you handled it beautifully.

[Carol in Cal.]

Personally, I would not want to flat out tell them that I must always be there, too, but I would somehow make sure that I was always there, too. It would be more like, "Great, we will all come by! It will be wonderful to see you! Don't bother driving all this way; we will just drive on over. What time would you like us to roll on it?"

[DawnM]

Thanks. Unfortunately, there is a lot of guilt involved on my part that I need to work through. I am doing much better now than I used to with it, but it is still there.

 

Dawn

 

I think what you need most is a big "YOU CAN DO IT!!!" and lots of these

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Sounds like you handled it beautifully.

[MariannNOVA]

Thanks. Unfortunately, there is a lot of guilt involved on my part that I need to work through. I am doing much better now than I used to with it, but it is still there.

 

Dawn

 

I totally understand the guilt part -- ask me how I know. :glare: Give yourself alot of credit for doing better with it.:grouphug:

 

It's a difficult process to be able to stand up to our parents AS parents ourselves.

 

It sounds like you handled it well -- and you should give yourself a pat on the back for that.

 

:grouphug:

[MariannNOVA]

We have had the rule for YEARS that my mother is never to be with one of my kids without DH or me present. PERIOD! I haven't really shared that with them though as there would be no end of "we need to talk about this."

 

Mental illness is an issue she isn't willing to admit, but I truly believe it is present.

 

Dawn

 

It sounds like you are in a tough situation and it sounds like you have done everything you can to ameliorate the issues. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: