5LittleMonkeys Posted May 9, 2012 Share Posted May 9, 2012 I am so, so irritated right now. SIL 1 is wonderful, supportive, fun, loving...she's the one that gave all my dc Ipods and gave me an Ipad (not that that makes me love her more...just putting it out there to demonstrate how generous and thoughtful she is). She visits often and calls weekly. She is an excellent mom and I encourage my dc to look to her as a role model. SIL 2 is manipulative, lies constantly, petty, hateful, and I'm pretty sure she has NPD (like her mother). She never calls, never visits, and typically is of the opinion that she is superior to us to every way. I am diametrically opposed to the way she parents and there has been a long standing understanding that she isn't allowed to take our dc anywhere without me or my husband. (Not that that's been an issue lately...when my two oldest were little she lived near us and we had to establish strict rules). SIL 1 called yesterday to say she and her family were coming for the 4th of July. YAH! Wonderful...can't wait to see you all! BUT, she adds that SIL 2 said she is going to drive up from FL with her oldest (same age as my oldest...they get along fine and keep in touch via FB and Skype). Dh asks SIL 1 if SIL 2 was going to call and ask if that would be alright and she said no, that SIL 2 wasn't asking permission. She just wanted SIL 1 to let us know she was coming.:glare: SIL 2 doesn't even have the decency to call us herself to tell us of her plans. My 4th of July weekend, which is typically a huge deal for us since that is the weekend before we start back to school, is going to be horrid. SIL 2 will spend the entire weekend trying to manipulate every situation to suit her. She won't be successful since I don't put up with her carp, but it is exhausting to constantly have to stay one step ahead of her, keep her from doing and saying things to my kids that I don't approve of, and just deal with the aura of hatefulness and superiority that seems to manifest itself around her. No one likes her, everyone dreads spending time with her. If it were up to me I would call her right now and tell her that she really shouldn't come. I would have no qualms about explaining to her that her behavior is really unacceptable (which I have told her in the past) and that we don't care to spend any time with her. However, SIL 1 has this opinion that just because they are siblings she should put up with the bad behavior and spend time with her for the sake of "family". Dh doesn't like SIL 2 at all, but doesn't want to upset SIL 1 and wants our dc to get to spend some time with their cousin. He also has this amazing capacity to completely ignore SIL 2's behavior (years of practice). She will spend the entire weekend making snide comments, making jabs, and trying to start arguments, and he will spend the weekend trying to avoid her so that he doesn't strangle her. I don't get why you'd want to spend the weekend at the home of people you know don't like you. Of coarse that is typical of NPD people; the feelings or opinions of others are completely irrelevant. So now, I have to get myself psyched up for that weekend. I have to put myself into the frame of mind that will allow me to constantly be on my guard and keep her from monopolizing and manipulating every situation, while keeping a smile on my face and trying to make the weekend fun for everyone else. :banghead: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeachGirl Posted May 9, 2012 Share Posted May 9, 2012 Why don't you tell SIL1 that SIL2 is not welcome but her child is? Maybe that child can fly up for the week so she can see her cousins. I wouldn't put up with someone who acts like SIL2. She needs to know her boundaries if she will be coming to visit you. She stays in a hotel/motel. You only have her over for short periods of time. Lay down rules and stick with them. She sounds dreadful and it is your house and your rules. Good luck with whatever decision you make about her visit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted May 9, 2012 Share Posted May 9, 2012 I would call SIL2 and let her know that you'll have a full house that weekend and she should book a hotel room. That will at least give you a small break. Otherwise, I'd probably just suck it up for the cousins' sakes. Hey, at least she lives in Florida! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted May 9, 2012 Share Posted May 9, 2012 Dh doesn't like SIL 2 at all, but doesn't want to upset SIL 1 and wants our dc to get to spend some time with their cousin. He also has this amazing capacity to completely ignore SIL 2's behavior (years of practice). She will spend the entire weekend making snide comments, making jabs, and trying to start arguments, and he will spend the weekend trying to avoid her so that he doesn't strangle her. It sounds stressful, indeed, but if you can't outright tell her she can't come, I would take your DH's approach and ignore her and refuse to engage with her as much as possible. I'd also tell the kids to avoid her and give them some coping strategies for dealing with her as well so that you don't have to be the only one who's running defense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted May 9, 2012 Share Posted May 9, 2012 It'll be hard for you to say she can't come. But if I was in your situation, I'd have a talk with dh and tell him that even though he can ignore her antics, you need him to step in the first time she's out of bounds and let her know he's not going to allow her to treat you poorly in his home. He'll probably need a sign or code word to know that you need him to step in. Sometimes all these bullies need is for someone to stand up to them. And if she continues, he can tell her to find a hotel room. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted May 9, 2012 Share Posted May 9, 2012 My inlaws do this. I get a call from the grandma telling me they are coming to visit. I then have to call and ask the inlaws directly. Last time it happened dh called and told them we didn't have any guest beds. They did come but got a camping spot nearby :lol: Call her. Well, have dh call her and ask if it's true. At that point you can be very direct and either accept her coming or put down some rules. Or give her the name of local hotels. it's your home. Call and be firm about what you expect/want. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted May 9, 2012 Author Share Posted May 9, 2012 I would call SIL2 and let her know that you'll have a full house that weekend and she should book a hotel room. That will at least give you a small break. Otherwise, I'd probably just suck it up for the cousins' sakes. Hey, at least she lives in Florida! SIL 1 always stays at a hotel. She always tries very hard not to impose in any way when they visit. Dh told her to tell SIL 2 that the cousin could stay here but that she will have to get a hotel room. If she insisted on staying with us I believe dh would tell her not to come. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted May 9, 2012 Share Posted May 9, 2012 (edited) Why don't you tell SIL1 that SIL2 is not welcome but her child is? Maybe that child can fly up for the week so she can see her cousins. I wouldn't put up with someone who acts like SIL2. She needs to know her boundaries if she will be coming to visit you. She stays in a hotel/motel. You only have her over for short periods of time. Lay down rules and stick with them. She sounds dreadful and it is your house and your rules. Good luck with whatever decision you make about her visit. If ANYONE ever suggested such to me, they would never see hide nor hair of myself or my children again. And yes, I have in-laws with attitudes like that towards me. I feel that way about certain of my in-laws. Due to that, we simply do not invite each other over...neither each other nor the other's children. You do not tell someone, "your child may fly up, but you are not welcome." I would call SIL2 and let her know that you'll have a full house that weekend and she should book a hotel room. That will at least give you a small break. Otherwise, I'd probably just suck it up for the cousins' sakes. Hey, at least she lives in Florida! :iagree: Edited May 9, 2012 by mommaduck Killed a Kitten! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflections Posted May 9, 2012 Share Posted May 9, 2012 Are you under some sort of obligation to have her in your house? Is there some document written in blood that says she gets to stay in your home when she visits? No? Then tell her you are fumigating for roaches and bed bugs that weekend and there is no room for her too. Or say: Fine but the only place to sleep is the floor and oh, by the way, we got a new puppy and he hasn't been housebroken yet. Or, I just heard the wonderful news that you are coming up to spend the weekend with us and that's great because we are painting the outside of our house then and we need all the hands we can get, do like rollers or brushes best? If she's coming anyway, make it uncomfortable for her. Or, grin and bear it and start school after the following weekend. It's never easy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted May 9, 2012 Author Share Posted May 9, 2012 I would take your DH's approach and ignore her and refuse to engage with her as much as possible. I'd also tell the kids to avoid her and give them some coping strategies for dealing with her as well so that you don't have to be the only one who's running defense. I think explaining some coping strategies to the older two is a good idea. They always feel awkward since they really, really love spending time with their cousin, but SIL 2 tries to be the "girlfriend" type when they are together and it is embarrassing to watch her try to act like a 14 yo. It'll be hard for you to say she can't come. But if I was in your situation, I'd have a talk with dh and tell him that even though he can ignore her antics, you need him to step in the first time she's out of bounds and let her know he's not going to allow her to treat you poorly in his home. He'll probably need a sign or code word to know that you need him to step in. Sometimes all these bullies need is for someone to stand up to them. And if she continues, he can tell her to find a hotel room. Good idea. Hmmm, what could be the code word or sign...maybe my face turning beet red and steam coming out of my ears would get his attention. Probably something like, "Honey, could you get me the tylenol?" would be less obvious to every one else. As for standing up to her...I've done it for as long as I've known her to no avail. It's as if she is oblivious. She just doesn't put any value on ANYTHING anyone else says. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted May 9, 2012 Share Posted May 9, 2012 Our code word/bat signal is anyone of us asking what time it is or bemoaning what time it is while looking at a clock or watch. (I only wear a watch around my mil;). I've spent years letting her walk all over me in our home, but stopped last year after fil died. It feels so good, but freaky/scary saying no. Bullies have to get a solid no with no neg. following as that is how they work their way. I finally realized mil, would never in a million years allow me or anyone else to get away with what she does. That was my ah-ha moment. I pray for her, I love and honor her, but she doesn't get to rule me or things in my home. Imo...fwiw...I'd make that sil a hotel res. and even pay for it not to put up with her. (If she didn't like my hotel choice, she could stay at another.) I think explaining some coping strategies to the older two is a good idea. They always feel awkward since they really, really love spending time with their cousin, but SIL 2 tries to be the "girlfriend" type when they are together and it is embarrassing to watch her try to act like a 14 yo. Good idea. Hmmm, what could be the code word or sign...maybe my face turning beet red and steam coming out of my ears would get his attention. Probably something like, "Honey, could you get me the tylenol?" would be less obvious to every one else. As for standing up to her...I've done it for as long as I've known her to no avail. It's as if she is oblivious. She just doesn't put any value on ANYTHING anyone else says. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted May 9, 2012 Share Posted May 9, 2012 It sounds stressful, indeed, but if you can't outright tell her she can't come, I would take your DH's approach and ignore her and refuse to engage with her as much as possible. I'd also tell the kids to avoid her and give them some coping strategies for dealing with her as well so that you don't have to be the only one who's running defense. :iagree: Instead of you being the only one who intercepts her w/ your kids, I'd put all of your older kids on alert that Aunt Fruitcake will be there. They should be able to avoid her too, and they should try to help you look out for your younger kids too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted May 9, 2012 Author Share Posted May 9, 2012 SIL 1 just called and said she told SIL 2 that she would have to make a reservation and that dh said she COULD NOT stay with us. SIL 1 said SIL 2 told her she would just sleep on the couch in their hotel room, to which SIL 1 replied absolutely not. Now she's miffed...poor baby...maybe she'll decide to stay home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted May 9, 2012 Author Share Posted May 9, 2012 :Aunt Fruitcake :lol::tongue_smilie::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted May 9, 2012 Share Posted May 9, 2012 SIL 1 just called and said she told SIL 2 that she would have to make a reservation and that dh said she COULD NOT stay with us. SIL 1 said SIL 2 told her she would just sleep on the couch in their hotel room, to which SIL 1 replied absolutely not. Now she's miffed...poor baby...maybe she'll decide to stay home. Why would she have to sleep on a couch in the hotel room? Boy, talk about trying to manipulate...badly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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