Thoughts on emotional connection with your spouse....

[Isabella]

My counsellor asked me the other day if I've every had an emotional connection with my dh.

 

Just for background:....It came up because my dh has a real emotional connection with friend of the whole family (female). He feels she completely understands him, and they love to discuss lots of life issues/feelings together by email & text. I get jealous because I don't enjoy that same connection with dh. It is a completely platonic friendship, though, so there's not so much reason to be jealous, and we all get along great with this friend. She also lives in another country so we don't see her at all.

 

So the counsellor asked if I ever have had a real emotional connection. It really pulled me up in my tracks. My reply was that I'm not really sure what an emotional connection even looks like! ......I mean there is love, but maybe that's not the same thing. We've never really been able to talk about anything and everything as my dh and friend do - well, not for a long time, anyway. We are often on different 'wavelengths' - we feel differently about many issues, he's very spiritual and loves to chat about that, but I'm not such a deep person, and quickly get out of my depth, so I keep quiet. I don't share many of my opinions and feelings, because it doesn't seem much point as he won't really agree. I also have a (probably bad) tendency to keep my emotions under wraps, so I'm starting to wonder if it would be different if I was more free with my feelings etc, or if it would make no difference.:confused:

 

It just got me to wondering what this looks like in other marriages? Do you have a real connection with your spouse? What do you think this is due to? Can it be improved upon, or is it something that is either there or isn't? Any other thoughts on this are welcome!:D

 

ETA: We have been having marital issues, but are trying to work on it.

Edited April 24, 2012 by Isabella

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

:lurk5:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Well, I've had deeper emotional connections with my two best friends (one's a female and one is a gay male) than with my husband. I think for me personally, it would be almost impossible to connect that deeply with dh. In his family, you just don't express emotions. He is kind of like a brick wall. I even wonder if he would cry if I died. But, I know he loves me and cherishes me and respects me. We just don't have those deep emotional moments (that I have experienced in other relationships). He spends way more time in conversation with his best friend (a slightly neurotic male who always has myriad "issues" to discuss) than with me. I do get jealous that dh spends so much time talking to his friend, when I see that he gets bored and uncomfortable when I want to carry on a "deeper" discussion. :glare:

 

I think that if you're happy with your relationship with your dh, you shouldn't worry about that emotional connection so much. Everyone's relationship is different. You can't force yourself to be more like your dh and want to talk about certain things. Let him have those conversations with his friend, and you enjoy the rest of him. I'm not a therapist, so you can just throw my ideas out the window, but I just don't think every couple has to have those deeply intense emotional moments to be happy.

[nono]

Interesting question.

 

Several random thoughts, as I'm just starting my coffee.

 

1. I had a deep emotional connection to my dh early on. But, I don't think we really talked about everything. It would have seemed that way, even to me, but it wasn't so. Lots of things were not spoken about, and we didn't truly know one another.

 

2. Now, I don't think I'd say we had an "emotional" connection. I'd say we have a deep understanding about our commitment to each other, our families, and such. We can talk about things many people don't talk about in their marriages. Really straight-up things about the ebb and flow of our feelings for one another, those types of things, without any emotional fragility.

 

3. During the transition from Point 1 to Point 2, we established friendship rules for our marriage. I have a good many male friends. My dh has a few good female friends. If either spouse is ever uncomfortable with the other's friendship, the friendship must be cooled. Nothing trumps the marriage. If one gets involved emotionally with another, it is really the spouse that is involved's job to start to alleviate the problem, and refocus on the marriage and family. We also talk openly about these instances. And finally, there is one thing we are never allowed to do to cross-gender friends: complain about our spouse, in anything but the most general terms. Never know who might take the bait and then you might really be fishing in a different pond!

 

I'm not saying this is how anyone should run their marriage, but I'm laying it bare here for a window into how someone has done it.

[LaxMom]

Interesting question.

 

For many years, I would have said no. But then some issues w/ my husband came up, nearly destroyed our marriage, and, as we worked hard to get through that, we formed that emotional attachment that had been blocked because of it.

 

On the other hand, we have the dissimilar communication styles that you describe (our basic natures) but the opposite way: he isn't particularly introspective or analytical, or given to debate for the sake of it, and I am. Those are familial patterns. His family would just about do anything not to acknowledge anything unpleasant, pretend problems dont exist and hope they'll just go away; mine takes things head-on and looks for a solution. We also love a good debate or existential pondering. I think we've learned to bridge that a bit.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong in having a friend or colleague with whom you have interesting conversations about topics you both enjoy. I also don't think there is anything abnormal about feeling jealous about that. Sometimes, those bonds just are, sometimes they make a spouse feel like the bond takes something from the marital relationship and, when that happens, it needs to be addressed. Not because there is something inherently wrong with the activity, but because the activity is causing a rift, or being used to block the other spouse out. Does that make sense?

Edited April 24, 2012 by MyCrazyHouse

[Parrothead]

Do you have a real connection with your spouse? Nope.

 

What do you think this is due to? Can't say in a public forum.

Can it be improved upon, or is it something that is either there or isn't? I think it can be fixed. If I didn't I wouldn't stay.

 

:grouphug: Good for you being willing to work it all out.

[deacongirl]

Interesting question.

 

 

 

3. During the transition from Point 1 to Point 2, we established friendship rules for our marriage. I have a good many male friends. My dh has a few good female friends. If either spouse is ever uncomfortable with the other's friendship, the friendship must be cooled. Nothing trumps the marriage. If one gets involved emotionally with another, it is really the spouse that is involved's job to start to alleviate the problem, and refocus on the marriage and family. We also talk openly about these instances. And finally, there is one thing we are never allowed to do to cross-gender friends: complain about our spouse, in anything but the most general terms. Never know who might take the bait and then you might really be fishing in a different pond!

 

I'm not saying this is how anyone should run their marriage, but I'm laying it bare here for a window into how someone has done it.

 

:iagree:

[KirstenH]

This is an interesting question. My best friend since high school (I'm 31) is male, and I do find it EASIER to talk to him (long distance -- haven't seen him in several years) about major issues because we "get" each other in a way that DH and I do not. That said, I find it more *rewarding* to talk to DH about these things, because they are more relevant to OUR life together. Sometimes it's difficult for us to find our common ground in big discussions, but even the journey is enlightening ... and when we DO find it, it's awesome.

[Carrie12345]

Do you have a real connection with your spouse? Yes.

 

What do you think this is due to? I suspect it's due to our well-meshed personalities and mutual respect.

Can it be improved upon, or is it something that is either there or isn't? I'd like to say it can be improved upon. We've definitely had some bad spots that counseling helped to remedy. I don't believe for one second that ONE person can do all the work and make it all better. It has to be a joint effort. (IMO)

[littlebug42]

There is no one that I am more emotionally connected to than dh. We both have friends but we always turn to each other for the stuff that matters. We don't always have to talk about stuff for the connection to be there. Dh is not an overly talkative person about anything. He is not overly emotional. Our relationship and our time together nourishes my soul and gives me the strength I need to tackle the rest of what life has to throw at me. We will be married 14 years this November and I think the connection does continue to grow deeper each year.

 

I would say that the connections we have with others can improve if both people are willing to commit to making it happen.

[sbgrace]

I would be very uncomfortable if my spouse was closer to a female friend than me. It might be worth checking out the book Not Just Friends from the library for you and your husband to read. Not because he's doing anything wrong necessarily but because there are "fences" in a relationship and you guys are definitely missing part of the fence. That's dangerous even if it's platonic. It's worth reading anyway to make sure you protect your marriage. At least decisions can be made with eyes open to possible consequences.

 

I don't know how you can be emotionally connected (or think you are....) so deeply or "more" (or think you are....he's not in a day to day relationship with this woman...) to someone other than your spouse and build it with your spouse too. But my own experiences are probably coloring my perceptions of your situation.

 

As far as how to improve it when it's missing of course it takes time and work. But I think (from experience) it takes the right kind of work/doing the right things so that's where my following suggestions are coming from.

 

I'd try to do Imago Therapy with my husband in your situation if you guys at all can. They have week-end seminars that would be equivalent to months of therapy in progress made. Your relationship really does need to be primary for him and this therapy might help that happen. That said, I've got real hesitations with potential when his primary emotional needs are being met by another female. Anyway, the Imago creator has a book Getting the Love You Want that has exercises to go through if therapy isn't an option. Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has exercises too. Both are very good approaches to building connection between the two of you. Gottman seems easier to me but Imago has a fantastic communication technique. You could check both books out and see what you think/if either would maybe be a good help.

 

 

Can he take a break from her for a month or two to concentrate on building with you? Is he willing? Does he want to be closer to you than her? Those would be questions I'd want honest answers to.

Anyway, I really think the deep connection with someone else is a problem in rebuilding connection with you two but I'd try anyway. Do read the Not Just Friends book. :grouphug: