Friends....

[Julpost]

Ds has a friend (really it's his only friend) who, like anyone else has his good points and his not as good points. I'm really struggling w/ allowing ds to continue to hang out with this dude. Whenever they are together, they go off on these adventures, many times w/out telling anyone, and getting kind of wild.

 

For example, we were at a birthday party today. Ds and friend start chasing eachother and end up so far away, we couldn't find them for an hour! Then on the way home, ds tells me how they were jumping off cliffs and having this "blast of a time"....ack!!!!

 

Then we see them at the creemee stand tonight. Ds and friend run off and end up playing on this mountain of dirt. They come back, caked w/ dirt and just filthy. We talked to ds again about how he just did the same thing, took off w/out letting us know. Granted this hill is close to the creemee stand and he thought we could see him. But we couldn't and the only reason I knew where he was, was because friends dad saw them.

 

Friends dad is really, really big on "boys will be boys"..."this is how boys are"......he thinks all healthy boys are like Tom Sawyer. Which may be true, I don't know, like he tells me, I've never been a little boy. BUT I don't think it makes it ok for ds to be so irresponsible, it doesn't make these behaviors ok. But the more ds hangs w/ this friend, the more trouble he gets into. I've told him that if he can't make better decisions for himself when he's w/this friend, then he's not going to be able to hang out w/ him very often this summer. I've already started having this friend stay over here for overnights rather than vice versa. Turns out, the parents let this friend watch whatever he wants on TV for however long. Ds has seen a few horror movies that have kept him up at night and now he believes me that he shouldn't be able to see everything out there. But he won't believe me or respect our authority w/out finding out things himself the hard way. He once told me that he might be one of those people who has to learn the hard way. WHAT does one say to that??

 

How do I learn what is acceptable for boys and how to train them up. His dad is pretty involved w/him but works a ton right now. When he gets home, it's really hard for him to work up the energy just to have a conversation. We're heading into the teen years and I need wisdom!!!! Please share!!!!

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I would limit his time with this friend to being at your house where you can supervise what they are watching and doing. I also would start taking away privileges or disciplining him when he just takes off with his friend without telling you. Maybe you could find some group or something where he could meet some new friends as well.

 

It is hard, you want him to be himself, but, some of the behavior is unsafe and unwise.

[Karen sn]

He once told me that he might be one of those people who has to learn the hard way. WHAT does one say to that??

 

 

Good question. I would tell him - "Well, since you know that about yourself - every once in a while you should listen very carefully to the wisdom of your elders."

He doesn't always have to learn it the hard way if he can recognize this in himself and be aware that he is doing it. And if he thinks hard at that moment to remember what his mom (or dad or others) have said about the very thing he is doing (or about to do or contemplating doing in the future) he may be able to learn from them instead of learning the hard way every single time.

 

And of course - there are just some things we have to learn for ourselves the hard way.

[Sophia]

Boys will be boys, but that doesn't mean they have to be devoid of manners, and leaving without checking in with you is at best, rude, at worst-dangerous.

 

Maybe this is more of a dilemma because you mentioned that he is your son's only friend?

Friends are important, but having limited time with friends at this impressionable age is better than having friends who will negatively influence your child.

 

I would look around for activities that can meet the "extreme sport" challenge young boys seem to thrive on, and limit time with this particular boy.

 

"As far as needing to learn things the hard way", my ds has thrown that out at me.

My response was "Do that on your own time," meaning , when he is no longer my responsibility.

Part of my job as a parent is to save him from his own naivete: just as I save his younger sibs from getting run over by cars in the street.

 

At this age, boys and girls need help navigating relationships; learning how to stand against negative peer pressure and making wise choices.

Speaking from experience (my parents were very hands-off in parenting) if you don't set some standards now, you can expect to lose contact with your ds for more than an hour when he's 16 and 17.

 

The Tom Sawyer reference?

Frankly, he could have used a little more supervision too :D

 

If you haven't read Bringing up Boys by James Dobson, I recommend it.

 

All dads are busy, my dh works waaay more than I like.

Still, try to arrange regular times for dad and ds to get alone time.

Whether it's going out for breakfast, doing errands, whatever.

 

That father/son time is invaluable.

[elegantlion]

My dh grew up without close parental supervision (mom was widowed and went back to work) and learned many things "the hard way". I don't recommend that path, it can have dire consequences.

 

Boys need to learn to be respectful, and running off doesn't cut it.

 

My dh says accoutability and obedience are important as well.

 

Here's another book suggestion. There are a lot of nuggets of wisdom in this one. http://www.amazon.com/Better-Build-Boys-than-Mend/dp/1929619200

[Geo]

You have described a "toxic soup" of sorts. Poor choices in friends, activities and attitudes are a litmus test in wisdom. You and your husband need a serious pow wow...NOW. Kids don't usually grow out of these things on their own. The decisions they face in the coming years can enormously impact their life. I would suggest a complete change of lifestyle for him. He needs very unified, confident parents that aren't afraid to make him angry. Angry or not, he will know you are right and that you care enough to fight for him. Ultimately, he will respect you for it. Don't use anger or intimidation to do this. Be calm, be cool, be deadly serious with all confidence.He needs to hear what great things you see him doing, what kind of amazing person you've always known he was born to be. Sorry, but Dad needs to re-prioritize. He absolutely MUST be the major influencer in his son's life, not this other family. Find fun and meaningful activities that he and his dad can share together. Is he able to go to work with his father? Do they share any interests together? This is not magic in and of itself, but time spent together gives opportunities to talk about life and deeper heart issues.

For certain, you need to keep him busy and away from

poor choices. You can't just take everything away...it must be replaced with something else...and not just any old thing. He needs a fresh start, now, while he is still under your guidance. If I sound heavy, I probably am. What can be more important than this...right now?

 

All my best intentions,

Geo

 

P.S.

Boys WILL be boys...but what kind of boys?

[lynn]

Ds has a friend (really it's his only friend) who, like anyone else has his good points and his not as good points. I'm really struggling w/ allowing ds to continue to hang out with this dude. Whenever they are together, they go off on these adventures, many times w/out telling anyone, and getting kind of wild.

 

For example, we were at a birthday party today. Ds and friend start chasing eachother and end up so far away, we couldn't find them for an hour! Then on the way home, ds tells me how they were jumping off cliffs and having this "blast of a time"....ack!!!!

 

Then we see them at the creemee stand tonight. Ds and friend run off and end up playing on this mountain of dirt. They come back, caked w/ dirt and just filthy. We talked to ds again about how he just did the same thing, took off w/out letting us know. Granted this hill is close to the creemee stand and he thought we could see him. But we couldn't and the only reason I knew where he was, was because friends dad saw them.

 

Friends dad is really, really big on "boys will be boys"..."this is how boys are"......he thinks all healthy boys are like Tom Sawyer. Which may be true, I don't know, like he tells me, I've never been a little boy. BUT I don't think it makes it ok for ds to be so irresponsible, it doesn't make these behaviors ok. But the more ds hangs w/ this friend, the more trouble he gets into. I've told him that if he can't make better decisions for himself when he's w/this friend, then he's not going to be able to hang out w/ him very often this summer. I've already started having this friend stay over here for overnights rather than vice versa. Turns out, the parents let this friend watch whatever he wants on TV for however long. Ds has seen a few horror movies that have kept him up at night and now he believes me that he shouldn't be able to see everything out there. But he won't believe me or respect our authority w/out finding out things himself the hard way. He once told me that he might be one of those people who has to learn the hard way. WHAT does one say to that??

 

How do I learn what is acceptable for boys and how to train them up. His dad is pretty involved w/him but works a ton right now. When he gets home, it's really hard for him to work up the energy just to have a conversation. We're heading into the teen years and I need wisdom!!!! Please share!!!!

 

I wouldn't end their friendship I would just tell ds and let friend know if they don't tell you where they are going they can't play for x days. As far as learning things the hard way attitude. Make it clear that there are consequences for his actions and make a list of what exactly they are. Usually with boys keeping them grounded makes them bored so a few extra chores usually works best for us. Gotta love their boyness. I had to learn to find the humor and so I wouldn't loose my mind.

[bettyandbob]

Your son is 12 and at an age where he thinks he needs more independence. I'd get him a watch and a cell phone. I'd lay out an area he was allowed to go without consulting you.

 

Here's how it's worked here. From 10-12 my ds had the large boundaries of our neighborhood to roam. Thankfully our street is not a through street and it makes a 1/2 mile loop. Additionally, there are playgrounds and wooded patches within this area. So, we have plenty of space for boys to run. There was a group of boys who did this. My ds has the freedom (when chores and school work is done) to just hang out. He wears a watch and is required to come home at a certain time or be restricted from going out again later. He got a cell phone a year ago. He is to call us when he goes into a house (we know the neighborhood boys well enough for this). Most of the boys are 13 now and the boundary area needed to expand. The boys now walk to a convenience store outside of our neighborhood to buy sodas with their own money and come home. My ds as well as 2 other boys tell us before they do this.

 

You need to figure out where your son and his friend like to go, check it out for distance from home and other issues. Discuss logically any problems and set the physical boundaries. If you notice something later that you didn't discuss, it's ok to amend the rules (like when I said no to participation in "street luge" without a helmet on a hill that ends in a speed bump).

 

The next step is to make clear that he must stay within the boundaries, he must follow time restraints. If they get together at a block party or other informal event they have to see you before taking off to get the boundary and time contraints. He must keep his cell phone on and he must answer the cell phone. After setting boundaries, explain the consequences. Finally, you have to follow through with consequences.

[Remudamom]

Oh yeah, boys can be boys, but even mine have to tell me what direction they're going. I gotta have at least a north, South, east or west. If he can't be more considerate of asking/informing you of where and when put some hobbles on him.