Your favorite funny/crazy/entertaining story about yourself? Reposts encouraged!

[Kay in Cal]

In light of the discussion about missing the old board and how hard it is to read "everything" here, I'd like to start a thread for you to tell your favorite funny story that happened to you. If it's a "classic" from the old board, so much the better! Cut and paste, or retell it in your own style...

 

And if you have old favorites (c'mon Peek, tell us about those "strawberries" again!, oh--and who tells about the "good shoes"?), request them so we can all share.

 

OK, my favorite Insane Story About Kay:

 

 

The Barking Dog, or Be Very Very Scared of the Postpartum Mom

 

When my first ds was born, we lived next to a family with two dogs--one medium dog and one of those small yipping dogs. They left them outside all night, every night. They barked constantly--at the wind, at cars, at anyone passing by. We installed one of those sonic dog-barking things (it makes an inaudible noise when they bark) which helped some... but not much. Mostly I used earplugs and just tolerated the dogs.

 

Then the baby was born, I was lost in that normal mother of a first new-born haze. He nursed constantly, slept almost never, I hadn't yet learned how to sleep and nurse him, so I would sit up in the rocker and nurse him to sleep for the first couple of weeks. I also had some serious complications post-partum (retained a large piece of placenta, which kept me from walking properly for three weeks--but that's another story) that kept me in constant pain. I was a mess.

 

One night, the baby had been very fussy. Dh had walked him for a long time, I had been nursing him, and after several hours finally got him calm and to sleep. I laid him down in his bassinet at about 4 am, give or take. We still hadn't really started co-sleeping yet (oh, but we learned for number 2!), and I was just... exhausted. Wiped. I slowly eased back to our bed, and fell in a heap upon my pilllow.

 

Then the dogs started barking. Again.

 

I don't know if it would have woken up the baby, but I didn't wait to find out. I totally lost it. I jumped up in my nightgown, and ran outside, through both yards--no shoes, no robe, just me in my nighty--and started pounding on their front door with both fists.

 

"SHUT THEM UP! MAKE THEM SHUT UP! I JUST HAD A BABY! STOP THE BARKING!" Etc. Ad nauseum. When I didn't get an immediate response to the door (perhaps they were sleeping? Terrified? Considering calling the police?), I moved on to pound on all the available front windows "I JUST HAD A BABY! MAKE THEM STOP! SHUT UP THOSE DOGS! MAKE THEM STOP! I JUST HAD A BABY!" I was stumbling through their flowerbeds from window to window, pounding with my fists on the glass and yelling at the top of my lungs. I was so crazy mad...

 

By this point lights were going on on the other neighbors' porches.

 

I don't know how long I pounded and screamed... long enough to get a bit of an audience, and my dh to slink out of our house looking confused. Finally, the front light went on and a window slid open and a pale face appeared. A quiet voice said, "Ok. We'll bring them in. We're sorry."

 

"GOOD! I JUST HAD A BABY!" I stomped back home, exhausted.

 

After that (we only lived there 6 more months), the dogs still barked... but never at night! I'm sure they tell this story from the other perspective... "Let me tell you about our crazy neighbor lady, who would stumble about in our yard screaming about her baby..." Ugh. Hormones.

[cin]

[Kay in Cal]

Bump... come on! I know some of you have awesome ones! I need some LOL to start my week!

[WTMindy]

Oh Kay, that is so hillarious!! I can NEVER think of funny stories when I need them. Who was it the other day who changed in the men's dressing room?

[Brindee]

OK, I'll try one: We had two boys and I REALLY wanted to have a girl! My sister told me about a book called "How to Choose the Sex of Your Baby". So, we headed to the bookstore to find it (yes I dragged poor dh along). When we got there, I had no clue where to look, since it wasn't in the pregnancy section for some reason. DH was ready to go, but I said, "Let me ask the clerk if they have it." So we went to the cash register area, where many people were come to find out, and I asked, "Excuse me, do you have the book 'How to Have the S*x You want"? Now, I knew good and well what I meant to say, so that's how I heard what I said! But, I heard my husband groan, and saw the jaw of the clerk drop open, so asked an intelligent question, "What?" THEN I realized what I said, and started trying to explain what I meant, while dh tried to pretend he didn't know me, and the many people around us snickered!:blushing:

 

Well, I DID end up having a girl!:blush:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I

 

After that (we only lived there 6 more months), the dogs still barked... but never at night! I'm sure they tell this story from the other perspective... "Let me tell you about our crazy neighbor lady, who would stumble about in our yard screaming about her baby..." Ugh. Hormones.

 

My dog barking story. My neighbor's dog barks incessantly. And I have a huge problem with insomnia. One morning in the wee hours I was still tossing and turning and trying to tune out the non-stop barking from next-door. So I called them - at 3 am. I asked them to please bring their dog in and to make him shut up. My neighbor (a very laid-back guy) said, "Um, Jean. Our dog is right here and he's not barking." It was someone else's dog. . . :leaving:

 

But it did get them to realize that their dog was famous in the neighborhood for barking. . . Not that they do much about it!

[cin]

This is one of my most crawl under the table, drop dead moments. It does have some sensitive info in it, so it has been somwhat censored.

 

DH and I were going through infertility treatments and testing. We had done a post-coital test and it had been determined that my cervical mucous killed his sperm.

 

Now for the story....I was working in an pediatrician's office. My Dr's nurse called and told me that DH's latest sperm test was surprising poor. I had some suspicions about this and asked for the Dr. to call me. So.....it was after hours, and the Academy called our office to relay messages to the Pediatrician. I answered the phone, "This is Cindy" the guy on the other end says, Hi Cindy, what's up today? I *ASSUMED* it was my Dr. and proceeded to tell him why I thought DH's sperm test was poor, um, based on the fact that my mucous kills the sperm and we were doing the collection in a closed little room. I go through all this, and FINALLY pause to take a breath, and he says, "um, this is the academy calling with your messages"

 

I immediately put him on hold and had someone else take the call.

[Tracey in TX]

A friend from Spain was at our boys' soccer tournament last weekend and wanted to borrow sunscreen. She couldn't remember the word for it, so yelled across the field, "Can I borrow your protection?"

 

When all the parents began to laugh, she realized what she had implied!:lol:

[MelissaM]

Get Lady Katherine (Katherine B in TX) to tell about taking her son to pre-school on the tractor. It's was too funny.

[Diane in CO]

When my oldest was 3 he really loved the "put down the ducky" song from Sesame Street....Well, there is a part in there that says "Ernie put the quacker down"....unfortunately my son translated this to "Ernie put the F****er down". I just about died when he said this one sunday during mass :001_huh: Of course, my DH thought it was hilarious :glare:

[Rich with Kids]

When my oldest was 3 he really loved the "put down the ducky" song from Sesame Street....Well, there is a part in there that says "Ernie put the quacker down"....unfortunately my son translated this to "Ernie put the F****er down". I just about died when he said this one sunday during mass :001_huh: Of course, my DH thought it was hilarious :glare:

 

I was going to get my son (he was not quite talking yet) out of his car seat one morning before church and I slammed my head into the door way of the car. I literally almost passed out. Unfortunately, the f-bomb escaped my lips right in front of my ds's face. He started giggling and said,"Guck!" He then hit his head and said, "Guck!" Like he wanted me to do it again. So, all the way into church he kept repeating, "Guck!" and hitting his head. As I handed him off to the nursery worker, he said, "Mommy. Guck!" and hit his head with his hand again. I looked at the worker and just shrugged and walked away quickly...:leaving:

[tonya in sc]

from my college days.

 

My best friend, Karen, and I were boyfriend-less yet again. With nothing else to do, we went to a Bible study on one Fri. nite. We joked all the way there about it being "Bible for Losers." Not a very sanctified thought process, I know. :blush:

 

The Bible study was GREAT!! An older (23, maybe) girl taught us out of the book of Esther. You know, the whole, "If I perish, I perish" female empowerment stuff. We were converts to the Fri.nite loser Bible study!! :001_smile:

 

On our walk home, we were enjoying discussing the study so much, we took the long way back to our dorms, along a major road. We NEVER took the long way. We were normally far too lazy. This nite was different, though. We had been empowered! Who needed boyfriends? Christ was sufficient! He would be our boyfriend! Boys were turning us into poor students, etc., etc., etc. No more worrying about finding a boyfriend, or even a date to the Spring Formal!:smash:

 

Then, whaddaya know, a HUGE bus pulls up next to us on this major road we never take. Think tour bus, not Greyhound. A drop-dead gorgeous man opens the door and asks us for directions, but we can't help him. Then some more gorgeous men open the windows and plead with us for help.

 

Turns out they are the CHIPPENDALE DANCERS, and are hopelessly lost. They would be so appreciative if we could help them make it to their show on time... :eek:

 

We stammered a few sorry we can't helps, and they drove off. Karen and I looked at each other. We were convinced then and there of the whole "Angel of Light" thing.:confused:

 

I have never seen another Chippendale dancer. Ever.:angelsad2:

 

tonya

[Brigitte]

Oh, I can feel your pain on that one!

[Jeannie in NJ]

Tonya, I had to keep my hand over my mouth so as not to laugh so loud that my dc would run over and want to read what I was laughing at. Don't exactly what to explain what Chippendale dancers are lol. I am still laughing while typing this.

[Kay in Cal]

Lol!!! OK... that was a pretty overt temptation... I wonder what would have happened if you got on the bus???