s/o narcisstic mothers -

[gardenmom5]

anyone else feel like you were the scapegoat that was being groomed to takeover as the enabler for the (screwed up) "golden child"?

 

my sister was constantly causing trouble, drugs, shopplifting, premarital sex, running away, etc. . . . nevertheless, my grandmother constantly gifted her, did things for her, favored her, etc.

 

*I* was guilty in my grandmother's head (the scapegoat so she could favor my sister) since my sister was her favorite child (golden child, could do no wrong). It came to a point I felt like I was being groomed to take over this enabling role (while being told I was dirt), at which I flat out refused.

 

anyone else have anything like that?

[Impish]

It's interesting, the scapegoat/golden child dynamic.

 

Both my younger brothers were GC growing up.

 

Now, my youngest brother has cut her out of his life completely.

 

Younger brother is the only child that lives near enough to visit her and keeps contact.

 

Eldest brother (another scapegoat, but for very different reasons) hasn't had contact in close to a decade now.

 

And I'm across country.

 

1 for 4. Not exactly a success...but its NOTHING to do with her. ;)

[kolamum]

I've all ready stated, quite loudly to my other sibling that I will NOT take over for the person with the issue in our family. When the person who puts up with it now is done or passes on or whatever, that's it. It's sink or swim for them. I put up with through my entire childhood and my children will not suffer at this person's expense.

[RegularMom]

We didn't have a dynamic quite like that. Ours was more like a triangle designed to feed my mother's ego. There were just the three of us: mom, sister and me, and someone was always the Bad Child, and someone was always the Good Child.

 

Most of the time, growing up, I was the Good Child and my sister was the Bad Child. My mother constantly kept this dynamic up until my sister actually ran away at 17 and moved in with some friends, believing she was an evil person. She drifted around the country for a few years, mixed up with some crazy people, getting into unhealthy relationships, while I went to college and got into therapy.

 

Now, though, the roles have switched. I'm the Bad Child now, because I don't enable my mother. My sister is the Good Child because she is still enmeshed with my mother and will do anything for and give any amount of money to my mother, still working on winning approval or something.

 

I stay out of it most of the time, because it really is a scary hot mess.

[higginszoo]

We didn't have a dynamic quite like that. Ours was more like a triangle designed to feed my mother's ego. There were just the three of us: mom, sister and me, and someone was always the Bad Child, and someone was always the Good Child.

 

This was the dynamic that was perpetuated in my family, too. First between my mom and her sister, and later it was me and my brother, but shielded some by my parents, since it was my grandmother who perpetuated it. Of course, the other grandmother didn't help by countering it by going the opposite -- I was bad because my other grandmother said that I was good and my brother was bad. My parents ended up leaving all of the extended family to get us away from it, which was definitely the right move. My grandmothers would have had us growing up hating each other.

[Denisemomof4]

I was always the scapegoat. My sisterr was very difficult, manipulative and demanding towards my parents. They ADORED her. My brother was the same only he had severe rage-filled outbursts and was verbally abusive. My parents totally doted on him. They also walked on eggshells with the both of them, catered to their every whim, and adored them. It was pretty sick.

 

I was the left out child. I felt unloved and practically raised myself. My friends were my happiness. While it caused me so much pain most of my life, into my 30's, I'm so thankful now that I always WAS the black sheep of the family. I thank God I'm not like them at all.

 

Now my sister is bipolar, my brother is a paranoid schizophrenic. I have a friend who is bipolar and easy to be around. My sister? no. VERY difficult person and I don't believe it's due to her illness. She's just difficult, fights with EVERYONE in her life, etc. I've had to cut her out of our life.

 

Now I am blessed with two mentally ill children, one bio, one adopted.

 

I'm kind of tired.

 

eta: about being a scapegoat. My parents always lost their cool on me because they COULD. I was the scapegoat. VERY painful.

 

I never found a good therapist who could help me heal, but I've healed by doing a ton of self exploration and becoming a mom.

 

eta again: my parents weren't NPD but the mentally ill siblings (later diagnosed) made for quite a dysfunctional setting. My parents handled them entirely the wrong way.

Edited December 8, 2011 by Denisemomof4

[LaxMom]

I'm an only. I get to be the golden child or mentally ill, depending on how well I'm fitting in with my mother's fictitious definition of me. Or, rather, whether I'm challenging it. Or, maybe, whether she's discussing something she can take credit for vs something she is "victimized" by... I've never actually been able to follow her train(wreck) of thought.

 

And I got to "mother" her and get complaints about how I never obeyed at the same time.

Edited December 8, 2011 by MyCrazyHouse

[Onceuponatime]

These posts are making me cringe. I've read some of the website and I feel very confused and remorseful in one sense and relieved in another.

 

My grandmother (mom's mother) clearly had NPD. She took offense at everything and everyone. My mother could do nothing right, but my grandmother doted on my mother's cousin, her niece. She was verbally and physically abusive. My mother walked on eggshells in their relationship. She left home young and lived far away most of the time. I could do no wrong in my grandmother's eyes, my brothers were negligable. I recognized this fairly young and it made me uncomfortable, to say the least.

 

My mother is not like her mother, but her upbringing clearly affected her parenting. She saw me as an extension of herself and wanted me to have and do all the things she never got to do. The problem was, I didn't want them. She is slightly manipulative and tells "little white lies." One of my brothers has been "the bad boy," but he has done some very questionable things in the past. She did assume we were doing things we shouldn't and searched our personal possessions. She also got rid of our things when she thought we didn't need them any more. She often makes it known to each of us that she doesn't like many of the choices the we make, from parenting to jobs to buying a house. We all left home as quickly as we could. I still have a message from her running in my head, "they wouldn't like you if they knew what you were really like." It never got much worse than that and it is not that hard to deal with her today.

 

Now me. I have an internal fight going on inside me every day. I have a tendency to be critical like my mother. I find it very hard to give verbal affection or praise, I never recieved any from my parents. They were of the "if you praise children it will spoil them" school. I've chosen honesty, but honesty can be just as hurtful as lies and it is a struggle to figure out how to be honest and kind. I have a grown child who was very difficult for me to raise, and I've told her that. Now I see that is a sign of a NPD mom, when I thought it was being honest. I have also told her that I made some poor decisions in her upbringing and that it probably would have been different if she was my last child. My children don't seem to be in a big hurry to leave home and even my daughter and her family visit often, that is a good sign, yes?

 

I hate to say it, but a lot of the way I parented when I was younger was because I thought it was "biblical" and I always had an intense desire to do things "right." I did see my children as extensions of myself. If they did something wrong, I felt shame and guilt. I worried dreadfully about the state of their eternal soul. The "spiritual" consequences of everything seemed magnified. I felt I had to protect them for their own good. Now I feel guilty for having been so legalistic and controlling.

 

My two youngest children have a different mother than the oldest 3 did, but still I have a great fear of being that mother that noone wants to associate with. Are there lessons on how to be normal, lol? (kind of not joking)

Edited December 8, 2011 by Onceuponatime

[Shelly in IL]

The child is an extension of you. Because I'm sure I do that to an extent, but homeschooling enables it, as well.

[Onceuponatime]

The child is an extension of you. Because I'm sure I do that to an extent, but homeschooling enables it, as well.

 

I know. That's what I was thinking too.

[Tammyla]

My mil adores our messed up niece; her sister gets nothing but criticism.

 

anyone else feel like you were the scapegoat that was being groomed to takeover as the enabler for the (screwed up) "golden child"?

 

my sister was constantly causing trouble, drugs, shopplifting, premarital sex, running away, etc. . . . nevertheless, my grandmother constantly gifted her, did things for her, favored her, etc.

 

*I* was guilty in my grandmother's head (the scapegoat so she could favor my sister) since my sister was her favorite child (golden child, could do no wrong). It came to a point I felt like I was being groomed to take over this enabling role (while being told I was dirt), at which I flat out refused.

 

anyone else have anything like that?

[lorrainejmc]

Oh yes but I nipped it right in the bud.:D

 

My older brother has always been the high maintenance one to put it kindly.:glare: My parents were taking their first trip without us. He was 23 and graduated university without a job, I was 20 and home from university for the summer. I was told I would have to stay home for 2 weeks to cook his meals.:lol: I went out and booked a trip to Spain for myself and my now dh for the same 2 weeks. I moved out for good a few months later.

 

In my case, it was my father who was (and still is) enabling him to be dependent on them for the most simple things, and it was him who made the attempt to groom me for the role.

[Denisemomof4]

I hate to say it, but a lot of the way I parented when I was younger was because I thought it was "biblical" and I always had an intense desire to do things "right." I did see my children as extensions of myself. If they did something wrong, I felt shame and guilt. I worried dreadfully about the state of their eternal soul. The "spiritual" consequences of everything seemed magnified. I felt I had to protect them for their own good. Now I feel guilty for having been so legalistic and controlling.

 

My two youngest children have a different mother than the oldest 3 did, but still I have a great fear of being that mother that noone wants to associate with. Are there lessons on how to be normal, lol? (kind of not joking)

 

this was me. I was harsh, legalistic and controlling early on in my parenting. I *swore* I'd never allow my kids to walk all over me, control me, and cause so much upset in my life like my siblings did with my parents. I have HUGE regrets with my oldest because of it. I've apologized profusely, cried tons, and have completely changed the way I parent. Oldest ds says I'm a good mom. :crying: I love that boy so much and am so lucky to have him as my son. While I've made mistakes with my younger three, I have NO regrets. My younger son would disagree (he has a mental illness himself) and blames all his problems on his parents (which is partly his age), or really anyone but himself.

 

In a way I feel like I'm given a second chance. I'm on my second round of homeschooling, doing things differently than I did with my boys, etc. I learned from my mistakes, one of which was public school. My girls will NEVER go. I learned just how precious time truly is and no longer take advantage of it. I make our moments together count. And I am NOT legalistic, controlling or harsh anymore.

 

I did a lot with and for my oldest, but I feel that I had so much healing to do to become a better parent, and that coupled with the adoption of a RAD kid has impacted him more than I wish it had. I feel like he got gypped. I will always have regrets about that. He has mentioned that I've put so much work into healing myself, and I know I am mostly healed now. But I will always regret the legalistic, harsh parent I was early on.

 

I don't know about anyone else, but I was NOT prepared for the emotional mess I became once I became a parent myself. I remember holding my son in my arms and crying over everything I never had. It's like it all came to a head for me. Watching my parents love on him made me happy for him, but also made me sad because I never felt loved, KWIM?

 

I do know my parents did their best. They were both hurting people due to their own childhoods, and they had two very difficult children. I harbor no ill towards them and I miss them terribly. I'm so thankful that the last 10 years we shared together were wonderful. I'm so thankful I could move beyond my hurts and share a beautiful relationship with them.

[DusksAngel]

My brother was the first born male on my dad's side. He was also my mother's darling son. I was expected to be perfect. He was coddled. I was expected to "make something of yourself" while he got away with "we're just glad he's not failing". If he whined enough, he always got his way. Mom used to say "it's just easier to give him what he wants then deal with his whining". And when he came back from college/running around with a wild crowd, he moved in with me. I fed into it for 4.5 years (he lived with us even after my dh and I married). We finally realized we couldn't/wouldn't live like this and made him move out. We've helped him out one additional time since then, same song, next verse. It was the last. We told him after that while we loved him and his family, we could no longer support him like we had in the past, and that there was no room for them to move in again. And we've stuck to this. Sometimes we still feel guilty, but one of us always remembers why and helps the other over it.

 

Sorry this went so long.

[Denisemomof4]

My mil adores our messed up niece; her sister gets nothing but criticism.

 

I just do NOT get it! My parents and my aunt always spoke of how DIFFICULT my sister is/was, but they most definitely favor her. There is NO hiding the fact that she always has been and always WILL BE the favorite.

 

Sick!!!

[Onceuponatime]

Parenting is clearly one of the most confusing and difficult jobs on Earth. Before I had my first, I said out loud that I would be a great parent because I was sure I knew exactly what needed to be done. I've had to eat my words often.

 

I wonder if the NPD parent actually knows that what they are doing is truly harmful. Maybe they are delusional and have convinced themselves that it is "for the best." Isn't that what we did?

 

I'm thankful that I have hope for the future and can choose to do things differently.

[Onceuponatime]

I just do NOT get it! My parents and my aunt always spoke of how DIFFICULT my sister is/was, but they most definitely favor her. There is NO hiding the fact that she always has been and always WILL BE the favorite.

 

Sick!!!

 

 

I think I understand where this kind of thinking is coming from. It may have to do with thinking that the non-difficult child is "uppity" and needs to be brought down. She doesn't know her place, which is where the lowest common denominator in the family is. After all, they managed to get through life without a college degree, without a job that pays more than (insert figure), without homeschooling their children, etc. Everything praiseworthy is in perpetual danger of become a conceit.

[gardenmom5]

Wow. It really is nice to know there are those who understand.

 

I've felt like I've pretty much healed, but there are still a few areas where I struggle because I don't know how to do something in a relationship, and there is negative conditioning that incites fear. I think it helped me to *be* the scapegoat because I got to see her more clearly. after an incident when I was 13, I decided she was a major hypocrite and no matter how much I was constrained to "worship" her, I held her in contempt - though she was still in my head for years. I personally think she was incapable of love. I also now blame her for the mental training that allowed me to be a victim and to be bullied in school.

 

While it was reprehensible, I'm grateful for it in one sense because I can "see" manipualtive people and don't fall into their traps as many of those unexperienced with it have. It was a very painful, but very useful understanding.

 

I have finally come to believe my mother (who let me know at age five I was an unwelcome surprise.) really did come to love and appreciate me, but she was so messed up she couldn't express it very well. she was so messed up, she wasn't capable of much function either. I'm grateful I was finally able to just love my mother unconditionally before she died. and I did also get the final reminder she was a schizophrenic that helped me see her a little better.

 

reading through the site was so helpful because now I'm sure my brother (we always regarded him as a pompous arrogant sob) is NPD. sil is too. which explains why I have *always* been wary of her - no matter how much she tried to make nice, I would back away because she feels so insincere.

 

what things do you feel you've learned that put you in a better place?

anyone have struggles making friends and how did you overcome it?

[gardenmom5]

I just do NOT get it! My parents and my aunt always spoke of how DIFFICULT my sister is/was, but they most definitely favor her. There is NO hiding the fact that she always has been and always WILL BE the favorite.

 

Sick!!!

 

my siblings were both golden children. (my brother was "the boy".)

BUT, my sister was also the "victim" so that my grandmother could take care of her and would be needed. It was *always* "poor dear, she's had such a hard life". (ignoring every bad choice she made that made things hard for herself.) it is very sick and twisted.

my sister didn't feel like the favorite - but it was her my grandmother *always* talked about and would change the subject to, and her children's pictures ontop of the TV where my grandmother could see them all day. (my and my brother's childrens pictures were in the hallway.) she received the favors, but really didn't recongize she was teh one getting them while I was being excluded. she also didn't recognize anything I did, she was coerced into doing as well in grandmothers very sick and twisted "keep up with kristen - you deserve everything she has, and kristen is taking it from you". VERY, VERY, sick.

 

I did try and warn my sister to not bend over backwards trying to please her since she never dispensed approbation, but she didn't believe me.

Edited December 8, 2011 by gardenmom5

[LaxMom]

These posts are making me cringe. I've read some of the website and I feel very confused and remorseful in one sense and relieved in another.

 

My grandmother (mom's mother) clearly had NPD. She took offense at everything and everyone. My mother could do nothing right, but my grandmother doted on my mother's cousin, her niece. She was verbally and physically abusive. My mother walked on eggshells in their relationship. She left home young and lived far away most of the time. I could do no wrong in my grandmother's eyes, my brothers were negligable. I recognized this fairly young and it made me uncomfortable, to say the least.

This is my mother's attitude toward my eldest daughter. The younger three barely exist.

My mother is not like her mother, but her upbringing clearly affected her parenting. She saw me as an extension of herself and wanted me to have and do all the things she never got to do. The problem was, I didn't want them. She is slightly manipulative and tells "little white lies." One of my brothers has been "the bad boy," but he has done some very questionable things in the past. She did assume we were doing things we shouldn't and searched our personal possessions. She also got rid of our things when she thought we didn't need them any more. She often makes it known to each of us that she doesn't like many of the choices the we make, from parenting to jobs to buying a house. We all left home as quickly as we could. I still have a message from her running in my head, "they wouldn't like you if they knew what you were really like." It never got much worse than that and it is not that hard to deal with her today.

My childhood is colored with the same things. Plus, we moved quite frequently, usually when I was visiting my dad, so she would purge what I no longer "needed" (security blanket? that wasn't during a move, but under the guise of "washing", which finally turned out to be trashed when I wouldn't stop asking for it back).

Now me. I have an internal fight going on inside me every day. I have a tendency to be critical like my mother. I find it very hard to give verbal affection or praise, I never recieved any from my parents. They were of the "if you praise children it will spoil them" school. I've chosen honesty, but honesty can be just as hurtful as lies and it is a struggle to figure out how to be honest and kind. I have a grown child who was very difficult for me to raise, and I've told her that. Now I see that is a sign of a NPD mom, when I thought it was being honest. I have also told her that I made some poor decisions in her upbringing and that it probably would have been different if she was my last child. My children don't seem to be in a big hurry to leave home and even my daughter and her family visit often, that is a good sign, yes?

I have to work on warmth with my children, as well.

I hate to say it, but a lot of the way I parented when I was younger was because I thought it was "biblical" and I always had an intense desire to do things "right." I did see my children as extensions of myself. If they did something wrong, I felt shame and guilt. I worried dreadfully about the state of their eternal soul. The "spiritual" consequences of everything seemed magnified. I felt I had to protect them for their own good. Now I feel guilty for having been so legalistic and controlling.

 

My two youngest children have a different mother than the oldest 3 did, but still I have a great fear of being that mother that noone wants to associate with. Are there lessons on how to be normal, lol? (kind of not joking)

My younger three have a very different mother as well, but they also have a very different family situation. I've become hyper-vigilant about making sure I both parent and respect the kids as individuals, because I really, really, fear being that mother. If you find lessons, please share (also kind of not joking)

 

The child is an extension of you. Because I'm sure I do that to an extent, but homeschooling enables it, as well.

Our children are extensions of us, to a point. They are also their own people. I don't think there's something wrong with them when they express different preferences than mine. I can't imagine moving when they were away from home, disposing of their belongings without their input, trying to medicate them because their perspective is different than mine, or the one I've decided they should have. There is a vast different between being one chunk of a family unit and being along for the ride, with no consideration as an individual person, if that makes sense.

[Onceuponatime]

:grouphug:

 

Yep, we moved often with the military. My mother got rid of my squashy stuffed pink cat that I slept with. It took me a while to get over that. One thing I've always done is made sure my kids had full control over the things they loved.