Aubrey Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 that poor (or low) self-esteem can mess with a friendship just as fast as an ego. If you don't realize--or can't imagine--that someone cares (a lot), you fail to give them something--some part of yourself--& it looks like a lack of respect or compassion. But you all probably already knew that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Absolutely! I had an incident with my sis a few years ago and in it, she hauled out her list of "ways I had dissed her" that went back years and years. I was totally :confused: Only a person who expects the worst of everybody could interpret things the way she had - and then keep a record of wrongs like that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatCyndiGirl Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Also, the 'But, I really do love and value you!'....."But, why?" gets very old very fast. Such low self-esteem is just something that a friendship alone can't fix. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 No, no. I mean...more normal. Someone who...won't tell you their problems, won't let you help. Like...they can be your friend, laugh w/ you, but you can only get so close. Not a keeping-records-of-wrong vitriolic kind of person, just...someone who's surprised that another person cares enough to be...interested beyond the surface level. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 I totally get it. Sometimes I have trouble initiating a get-together with someone because I can't imagine that they really want to hang out with me- but then when we are together, they act like excited and like they really do like me. Life would be easier (and friendships closer) if I didn't question myself and wonder if/why they would want to hang out with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 (edited) nm Edited October 26, 2011 by elegantlion Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 I totally get it. Sometimes I have trouble initiating a get-together with someone because I can't imagine that they really want to hang out with me- but then when we are together' date=' they act like excited and like they really do like me. Life would be easier (and friendships closer) if I didn't question myself and wonder if/why they would want to hang out with me.[/quote'] That's me exactly! I must say, it's quite a relief to know there are other people who feel and act the same way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AngelBee Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 that poor (or low) self-esteem can mess with a friendship just as fast as an ego. If you don't realize--or can't imagine--that someone cares (a lot), you fail to give them something--some part of yourself--& it looks like a lack of respect or compassion. But you all probably already knew that. :grouphug: that ie the issue in my marriage for both of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Absolutely! I had an incident with my sis a few years ago and in it, she hauled out her list of "ways I had dissed her" that went back years and years. I was totally :confused: Only a person who expects the worst of everybody could interpret things the way she had - and then keep a record of wrongs like that! hhhhmmmmmmmmmmm. I wonder if we are siblings separated at birth, but sharing one sister? My sister does that same exact thing. She keeps a list of wrongs anyone has ever done to her, and I pity ANYONE who receives one of her letters listing it all. EVERYONE in her life has gotten The Letter at some point.:glare: I can't imagine living like that. How sad. PP, you are TOTALLY right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 I totally get it. Sometimes I have trouble initiating a get-together with someone because I can't imagine that they really want to hang out with me- but then when we are together' date=' they act like excited and like they really do like me. Life would be easier (and friendships closer) if I didn't question myself and wonder if/why they would want to hang out with me.[/quote'] Exactly. I've always had this problem irl, but lately it seems to be seeping over even into my online life. It makes me sad, because I thought I'd found a way of being around people that circumvented the problem. Not that the problem is just a self-esteem issue...it's also shyness, & now other things, but still... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 It could also be introversion. I don't have any self esteem issues. If anything I think pretty highly of myself :tongue_smilie:. But I don't easily get close to people. I haven't found the right person to give me the space and interaction I need (besides my husband who is a lot like me). For example, I'd come to your house everyday if you invited me to play cards. Nobody ever wants to do that though. They want me to come over and listen to them talk non stop for 3 hours about all of their problems. They call me while out on the road and ask if I'd like to drive 5 hours one way to the zoo with them. :confused: I can't handle that. People have stopped being my friend because I turned them down too many times on these things. It's not about self esteem at all. I just don't operate like that. But maybe I'm totally missing the point here. That's definitely a factor for me, but still, when someone sends me a sweet note or something, it surprises the fool out of me. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 It could also be introversion. I don't have any self esteem issues. If anything I think pretty highly of myself :tongue_smilie:. But I don't easily get close to people. I haven't found the right person to give me the space and interaction I need (besides my husband who is a lot like me). For example, I'd come to your house everyday if you invited me to play cards. Nobody ever wants to do that though. They want me to come over and listen to them talk non stop for 3 hours about all of their problems. They call me while out on the road and ask if I'd like to drive 5 hours one way to the zoo with them. :confused: I can't handle that. People have stopped being my friend because I turned them down too many times on these things. It's not about self esteem at all. I just don't operate like that. But maybe I'm totally missing the point here. I get exactly what you're saying. I think they are different two issues, but maybe related in some way. One of my favourite people ever to visit was my grandmother - we'd sit for hours playing dominos, lexicon and scrabble and have such a giggle. Wendy, if there weren't a huge ocean between us I'd definitely invite you over to play cards, my inadequate self-esteem wouldn't come into it :lol:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 No, no. I mean...more normal. Someone who...won't tell you their problems, won't let you help. Like...they can be your friend, laugh w/ you, but you can only get so close. Not a keeping-records-of-wrong vitriolic kind of person, just...someone who's surprised that another person cares enough to be...interested beyond the surface level. I've met people like that. I have found it to be less of a self esteem problem and more of a putting on an image that your life is perfect, when it's definitely not. I absolutely know people who want to keep a happy/wonderful public facade. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 I've met people like that. I have found it to be less of a self esteem problem and more of a putting on an image that your life is perfect, when it's definitely not. I absolutely know people who want to keep a happy/wonderful public facade. Maybe not so much wanting "a happy/wonderful public facade", but more a fear of letting down defences, maybe because in the past people have got behind those defences a gone in for the kill, leaving that person feeling pretty much destroyed. Maybe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 I've met people like that. I have found it to be less of a self esteem problem and more of a putting on an image that your life is perfect, when it's definitely not. I absolutely know people who want to keep a happy/wonderful public facade. Well, a good public facade isn't even something I could hope for, lol. People tend to like me more for the sake of dark comedy or mind-bogglingly bad luck. But that assumption that it's all about a facade is the kind of thing people tend to assume when my unwitting aloofness bothers them. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Onceuponatime Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 This person with low self esteem may be playing back old messages that were learned when he/she was young, even unconsciously. Things like, "People wouldn't like you if they knew what you are really like." "You are self-centered." "Why don't you have more friends?" This person may want to create new messages to play back like: I am loved, I am loveable, I have permission to be a good friend, I care about others, etc. This is not easy but it does bring the issue to the forefront of the mind and make the person realize how much he/she has been allowing those old messages to define who he/she is. To an extent, I do believe a person has the power to define himself, he just doesn't always recognize it. I'm working on this issue myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 No, no. I mean...more normal. Someone who...won't tell you their problems, won't let you help. Like...they can be your friend, laugh w/ you, but you can only get so close. Not a keeping-records-of-wrong vitriolic kind of person, just...someone who's surprised that another person cares enough to be...interested beyond the surface level. Yup, yup, yup. I have a friend like that. It has taken it's toll and I'm not sure where the friendship is headed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 No, no. I mean...more normal. Someone who...won't tell you their problems, won't let you help. Like...they can be your friend, laugh w/ you, but you can only get so close. Not a keeping-records-of-wrong vitriolic kind of person, just...someone who's surprised that another person cares enough to be...interested beyond the surface level. Or maybe they're surprised because they've met so many people who aren't interested in anything beyond the surface. After a while, you just stop confiding or reaching out. My other thought was that some of it may have to do with family culture. In my family, the philosophy is that you suck it up and deal with your own problems without dwelling or talking about it much. Not a dirty laundry kind of silnece, more of a buck up and keep moving. And, Wendy K, want to come play cards with me? I would love that. My grandparents used to spend hours playing cards and telling stories about their travels and childhoods. I miss that. Cat Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 No, no. I mean...more normal. Someone who...won't tell you their problems, won't let you help. Like...they can be your friend, laugh w/ you, but you can only get so close. Not a keeping-records-of-wrong vitriolic kind of person, just...someone who's surprised that another person cares enough to be...interested beyond the surface level. Another possibility is that this could be a person who has been very badly burned in relationships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Maybe not so much wanting "a happy/wonderful public facade", but more a fear of letting down defences, maybe because in the past people have got behind those defences a gone in for the kill, leaving that person feeling pretty much destroyed. Maybe. Yes, this! I should have read this before I replied. You said it better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatCyndiGirl Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 hhhhmmmmmmmmmmm. I wonder if we are siblings separated at birth, but sharing one sister? My sister does that same exact thing. She keeps a list of wrongs anyone has ever done to her, and I pity ANYONE who receives one of her letters listing it all. EVERYONE in her life has gotten The Letter at some point.:glare: I can't imagine living like that. How sad. PP, you are TOTALLY right. You know what? You have given me an idea. I have had the worst few days and have been sitting here with a dark cloud over my head. There were actual tears. Instead of writing a "Letter" (insert doom music here) of all the ways a person has wronged me....perhaps I shall pen a letter naming all of the ways that someone has 'righted' me, ways they have helped, memories we have laughed about together. A feel GOOD kinda' thing instead of a feel BAD kinda thing.....:auto: Cuz, quite frankly, I'm in such a foul mood that I'm either gonna spew it forth outward or......do something nice. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 You know what? You have given me an idea. I have had the worst few days and have been sitting here with a dark cloud over my head. There were actual tears. Instead of writing a "Letter" (insert doom music here) of all the ways a person has wronged me....perhaps I shall pen a letter naming all of the ways that someone has 'righted' me, ways they have helped, memories we have laughed about together. A feel GOOD kinda' thing instead of a feel BAD kinda thing.....:auto: Cuz, quite frankly, I'm in such a foul mood that I'm either gonna spew it forth outward or......do something nice. :001_huh: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 (edited) Maybe not so much wanting "a happy/wonderful public facade", but more a fear of letting down defences, maybe because in the past people have got behind those defences a gone in for the kill, leaving that person feeling pretty much destroyed. Maybe. Yeah, that too. Edited October 26, 2011 by elegantlion Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 No, no. I mean...more normal. Someone who...won't tell you their problems, won't let you help. Like...they can be your friend, laugh w/ you, but you can only get so close. Not a keeping-records-of-wrong vitriolic kind of person, just...someone who's surprised that another person cares enough to be...interested beyond the surface level. I think there can be a lot of different interpretations of this. (and I'm glad those who are kindred spirits are having camaraderie -- it's tough to feel "alone" in certain things!) I can imagine the person above may already have enough close friends! For some people, one is enough. For others, a few. And there are people who will tell everybody everything. But I don't assume friends or acquantainces who don't share their problems readily have low self-esteem, necessarily. They may have a sufficient close friend rato already, OR, they may be the type that doesn't like to talk out intimate stuff with others. This is a nice conversation starter, however! :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Make friends with Capricorns. They understand these things. ;):grouphug: Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 No, no. I mean...more normal. Someone who...won't tell you their problems, won't let you help. Like...they can be your friend, laugh w/ you, but you can only get so close. Not a keeping-records-of-wrong vitriolic kind of person, just...someone who's surprised that another person cares enough to be...interested beyond the surface level. Ah, okay. Well, that could be a different thing, like the others here have said. I had one friend who burned me so badly when I was at my worst that I am never "going there" with her again. She is in my life, so I won't ditch her completely, but she's a surface-friend now. That's all. In general, I tend to be like this anyway. If I ever spill my guts to someone, I totally regret it later. I just don't like having my truth hangin' out. :tongue_smilie: hhhhmmmmmmmmmmm. I wonder if we are siblings separated at birth, but sharing one sister? My sister does that same exact thing. She keeps a list of wrongs anyone has ever done to her, and I pity ANYONE who receives one of her letters listing it all. EVERYONE in her life has gotten The Letter at some point.:glare: I can't imagine living like that. How sad. PP, you are TOTALLY right. Well, hey, I had four siblings, so anything's possible! Very similar thing, except my sis doesn't write it out. Maybe not so much wanting "a happy/wonderful public facade", but more a fear of letting down defences, maybe because in the past people have got behind those defences a gone in for the kill, leaving that person feeling pretty much destroyed. Maybe. Yeah. BTDT. It's unfortunate, but I do have the tee-shirt. When I met my dh and his family, it is sad, but I was blown away by the care they heaped upon me. I was so accustomed to having to make my own way, I could not believe they were willing to help me just because I needed help with something. I remember when dh's sister let me borrow her car for a few days while mine was being fixed. I would never have even imagined someone would do that for me. Lots of things like that. I just wasn't used to people caring or making my problems their own. I still have a default button that is stuck on "I must fix every problem myself." Just recently, I had a little issue where I would not be able to pick dd up from school for several weeks on M and W. I was sweating it out all by myself. Then, I remembered she is actually my dh's daughter, too. :tongue_smilie: He is picking her up on M and W and guess what? It is totally not a big deal! Just an example of how sometimes, I forget that I don't have to figure every single thing out by myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.J. at J.A. Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 I totally get it. Sometimes I have trouble initiating a get-together with someone because I can't imagine that they really want to hang out with me- but then when we are together' date=' they act like excited and like they really do like me. Life would be easier (and friendships closer) if I didn't question myself and wonder if/why they would want to hang out with me.[/quote'] Totally me! I always feel like I'm imposing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 Totally me! I always feel like I'm imposing. I so get this because I used to be this way and still struggle with it at times but the biggest eye opened has been having a friend who is even MORE afraid of imposing then I am. It is such a burden to be a friend to that sort of person sometimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted October 26, 2011 Author Share Posted October 26, 2011 I so get this because I used to be this way and still struggle with it at times but the biggest eye opened has been having a friend who is even MORE afraid of imposing then I am. It is such a burden to be a friend to that sort of person sometimes. Don't say that. You'll make me feel even worse. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 Don't say that. You'll make me feel even worse. :tongue_smilie: :D Keep in mind I HAVE been a friend of that sort. I thought I was being nice and not a burden but it's a little startling to have the tables turned and realize how other people might view it. They can a) either learn to not value you or b) think you don't value and trust them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 No, no. I mean...more normal. Someone who...won't tell you their problems, won't let you help. Like...they can be your friend, laugh w/ you, but you can only get so close. Not a keeping-records-of-wrong vitriolic kind of person, just...someone who's surprised that another person cares enough to be...interested beyond the surface level. I get it. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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