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Birth Mom Situation

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*** update. I called social services in the county I know she has livedin off and on several times over the past 5 years or so. I explained the situation and they have me a # to call that is set up for the Childrens Bureau to help in these situations when Children are involved with out her having to worry her kids will be taken away (as long as they can tell the kids are not being neglected or abused)

I also located 4 or 5 emergency shelters for for women/children.

I am messaging all of this information to her. She needs to be the one that actually gets in contact with them because I don't have all the full details. I believe I have done my part to help but I know I will still worry about the kids.


I don't post that much , mostly lurke every day :)

I am real I promise :)


We adopted our now 2 year old daughter from birth and was involved with the pregnancy.. My aunt knew a teenage couple having their second child at age 19 that wanted to place a baby up for adoption. The birth mom stayed with my aunt during the pregnancy. She know's our names and we know hers but the adoption is closed in the fact that she has no contact with our daughter. We do send pictures each year around our daughters birthday. Oh and she had another child 13 months after our daughter was born. so 3 kids in 3 years.


Fast forward to last night. I get a FB private message that basical states she is living in a hotel with the 2 kids, her car is broke down, she has no money. she has tried churches, trustee's and no help and don't know what to do. She would live in her car but with it broke down it would have no heat. She has to be out of the hotel on Friday. She says her family and the baby daddy's family can't help. She says she's scared and stuck and doesn't know what to do and wants to know if we know of any resources or if we can help her financially for a short time.


Ok so what do we do?


Part of me wants to help financially but the other part of me knows I don't know if I can really trust what she is saying because of past experiences during the pregnancy. Plus if We give her money will she just keep coming back for more until we say no.


Or do we just help find resources to help her... I'm not sure how to respond.


My husband wants to help financially but that would not be easy for us and would put our family in a bind . He thinks i'm being cold for not wanting to give her money.


I am so torn and don't know what to do.


Any advise? Know of any places that would help a person and her children in these situations?

Edited by photomo
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The way I would help is not necessarily to give her money but to find a safe place for her and the children. Make sure she is looking in the right place for help and claiming the correct benefits. Put her on the right track so she can sort herself out. She is probably feeling overwhelmed and I don't think a few hundred $ will help unless she gets help from the authorities


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Do you belong to a church or maybe you can call an area church to see if they have resources to help her or could direct you with help for her.


Even if you help financially, I'd do it through a third party so it is not directly coming from you to her.

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I would be inclined to put a social worker in touch with her. If she is otherwise a decent parent, they probably wouldn't take the children away and will attempt to find temporary housing - a shelter or what not - and sign her up for some benefits, get the kids on state health care, WIC, etc. It's hard to say if she has exhausted private resources such as churches. I know that if she lived in our area, our church would pay to repair her car so she would have heat, find a social worker to make contact with her, buy some groceries, fill the car's gas tank, and buy winter clothing and personal care items especially for the children. But, with the economy and high unemployment rate, many churches are getting a bit tapped out on how much they can afford to do.


I would caution you about doing too much personally because of the upheaval it could cause your little one if bio mom is unstable and bounces in and out of your lives. But, if you really feel lead to do something financially, I'd have the car evaluated to see what needs to be done and if I could afford to repair it, and fill the tank. I'd buy some groceries for her to keep in the car and then definitely say "This is all we can do. Here is a list of resources for you to contact. We'll be thinking/praying for you and your children." The one thing I would not do is give her cash. You can't be certain that there isn't a substance abuse problem or gambling addiction in the picture.


I can totally understand wanting to do something. Just proceed with wide-open eyes and consider each action carefully so you can minimize the impact on your family.



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i would want to know a lot more real info, not just a pm. If she can't take her children to her parents is it because of her behavior? Will you be in a position to call Childrens Services if you see this situation? It sounds like she needs a lot more support than just money.

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We are in Indiana.


I'm really torn but I think we have decided no money from us because we are scared the requests will continue over the years.


She has moved from county to county so I'm trying to figure out where to start looking for help. We have recently changed churches and don't really have a relationship with our new church yet.


After thinking about it I was thinking social services or even a shelter for a few days until she/we can find other resources to help her out.


She didn't have a good home life growing up but she has also done things herself as a teenage that caused a lot of problems with in her family so I am wondering if she has burnt those bridges.


I think I'm going to message her and just say that I we are unable to help financialy but we aretrying to locate resources for her if she would be open to suggestions and to give me until tomorrow to come up with some idea's.


My brother's best friend's sister is a social worker in our county which the birth mom has never lived it but maybe she can atleast point us in the right direction and maybe have some suggestions. I'm going to try and get ahold of her.


Thank you to everyone for their suggestions so If you can think of anything else please let me know.

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Well, this may sound harsh but I think you are right in not giving anything. She needs to go to a shelter and be evaluated by a social worker. There will be resources for her there.

And, it is possible that she is scamming you... her post has all the hallmarks of it. Kids, broken car, needs $ NOW... from where is she FBing you? how did she get $ for the hotel she is in? Unanswered questions... She may want money for her own purposes. I just wanted to bring that up.


If you can connect her with resources, that will be the best thing you can do for those 2 kids. SWs can evaluate if they are safe with her.


ETA saw your update, I agree with you 100% Hope it turns out well.

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