tex-mex Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Long story... in a nutshell, here is the summary: Asperger's Syndrome teen (16 y.o.) who has anxiety and is an only child. We've done a lot of work to get him doing really well to this point. One thing in our work is participating in a lot of social groups for the "Aspie" lack of social awareness. One such successful group was a homeschool Drama group about 2 years ago. As a result of participating in this Drama group, ds met a wonderful young lady his age who was keen on our ds. (Ds had similar feelings towards her, but did not initiate any discussions to her. Yet the girl kept asking him for his email and I made sure she used our family email addy so I could monitor the messages.) Drama Club ended and the girl wanted to keep in touch. But son did not seem to initiate any contact with her via emails. I basically kept in communication with the girl's mother (whom we found delightful) and arranged monthly meetings that were chaperoned by us parents in a public setting like the public library, pizza parlor, park, etc. Ds admitted later that he really likes her but we suggested that this is a friendship, not dating. It is important (as an Aspie) he get to know others and socially navigate the system. But he is way too immature socially to begin dating. The girl's mother agreed with us in keeping this relationship as a friendship under supervision by adults in a casual setting. This past summer, we were out of state with family matters and were not able to see the girl and her family. I get the feeling the mother of this girl enjoys the relationship we have built up to this point and we get along very well. We just recieved an email from the girl asking how we are doing and she would like to see us. I mentioned the email to my ds and he said it would be great to see the family after a long summer break. But I would like to stop being the secretary and give ds the responsibility to communicate in at least ONE email to the girl. (He has Dysgraphia and writing is his worst subject.) I am a little worried that a week has gone by and ds is clueless that he has not written her back despite my reminders. Do I sit him down and clue him in that this girl has feelings and even if they are not dating... acknowledging an email promptly helps avoid hurt feelings. Or do I drop the subject and keep on being (Aspie) son's social secretary and arrange the monthly meeting? *SIGH* :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jallison25 Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 i don't think it hurts to lay it out in black and white for him. Like a social story in a way :) it hurts other people's feelings when you don't respond promptly. it's okay if you don't want to get together this week/month/whatever, but you need to acknowledge that this girl contacted you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
higginszoo Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Yeah, as you know with Aspies, things really need to be spelled out. I'd probably coach him pretty heavily in this case, since it has presented itself. Hopefully, he'll even be able to apply it going forward (though there's a certain neurotypical 14 year old boy aspect where they also need a bit of a kick sometimes to not be rude). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 I would explain to him that the girl (or anyone) will get their feelings hurt if he doesn't respond to an email in a timely manner. I would not go into romantic feelings at all but just keep it at an "appropriate social skills" type of level. That way you are not encouraging a romance but just good manners. I don't think you need to be the secretary any longer. If he chooses not to email her and you have explained to him the potential consequences of that, then he is old enough to bear the consequences, IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 (edited) I would keep feelings out of it. I'd just say that it is polite to answer her request for a monthly meeting. It doesn't have to be long - just short and to the point would get the job done. (There's something about this whole scenario that bothers me. It feels like you are more focused on it possibly leading to dating than he is. But perhaps I'm reading something into it. One of the things I like about a platonic friendship is that (usually) it is uncomplicated and doesn't focus on feelings too much.) Edited October 5, 2011 by Jean in Newcastle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coffeegal Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 IMHO, sit down with ds and walk him through the proper way to respond to his friend each time an e-mail arrives. From what I understand, the social demands of e-mailing will be difficult for him, and he would benefit from writing the e-mails with you sitting next to him giving guidance. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 I would explain to him that the girl (or anyone) will get their feelings hurt if he doesn't respond to an email in a timely manner. I would not go into romantic feelings at all but just keep it at an "appropriate social skills" type of level. That way you are not encouraging a romance but just good manners. I don't think you need to be the secretary any longer. If he chooses not to email her and you have explained to him the potential consequences of that, then he is old enough to bear the consequences, IMO. :iagree: How would you handle it if this was a guy? Does her being a girl make any difference in how he should respond? If he has never composed a note before, I can see where he needs some guidance. I've been working with my DH to learn how to communicate with his Keystone teachers. I've always been the one to do it but now he's starting to take over. I don't think he has ever written a note to a friend. I can hear him now. He would probably say there wasn't anything to say so why bother writing at all? Small talk is not my Aspie's forte. I'm always amazed when I meet an Aspie who is talkative. Unless this girl is coming on to him, I would leave out romantic type feelings. And if she is coming on to him and he isn't interested, that friendship might die out, something to be prepared for. Oh, I voted other. He should email her but with you helping him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 I said other, but leaning more on the idea of having him email her. BUT!! only if he wants to email her. If he wants help, help him. If he doesn't want to email her, then I wouldn't force it. I would email her back and say "Thanks for your email. Johnny really doesn't like to type so email isn't the best way to chat with him. I will talk to your mom about other methods of communication and we will figure out a way for you two to keep in touch." Then talk to the mom about Skype or phone calls as an alternative. I assue the girl is already used to carrying the conversation, so a phone/skype chat shouldn't be too hard. Just to help them in the early calls, I would use social stories to help him understand the conventions of talking online. I would help him think about 2-3 things that he can ask her about and write them down. I would also set a time limit, ie 5 minutes, so there is a natual end to the conversation. I agree that he needs to learn the social ettiquette, but honestly I doubt that he would have given out his email add if you weren't involved so far. (Not saying that is an issue, just that it is, what it is. I have an aspie so I get that you have to help lead them into social situations more than other kids.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 I would keep feelings out of it. I'd just say that it is polite to answer her request for a monthly meeting. It doesn't have to be long - just short and to the point would get the job done. (There's something about this whole scenario that bothers me. It feels like you are more focused on it possibly leading to dating than he is. But perhaps I'm reading something into it. One of the things I like about a platonic friendship is that (usually) it is uncomplicated and doesn't focus on feelings too much.) :iagree: It's just good manners to respond to someone's email. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 It's good practice for him to respond to emails but it makes it more friendly and casual if you make family plans for all of you. I would go for the latter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 I would explain to him that the girl (or anyone) will get their feelings hurt if he doesn't respond to an email in a timely manner. I would not go into romantic feelings at all but just keep it at an "appropriate social skills" type of level. That way you are not encouraging a romance but just good manners. This. My dd with autism has friends she very much enjoys spending time with. She will ask me if she can meet with them, but when it comes to actually making the arrangements, it often doesn't happen. Why? Who knows? Planning ahead is difficult for her because if it isn't going to happen in this moment, it's somewhere out there in the mists. If you feel it's important for him to email the girl, maybe instead of reminding, just sit him down and tell him to do it now while you're both thinking about it. :) I'd keep arranging the actual meetings because that makes it more of a family get-together and takes the focus off the two of them dating. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 I would keep feelings out of it. I'd just say that it is polite to answer her request for a monthly meeting. It doesn't have to be long - just short and to the point would get the job done. (There's something about this whole scenario that bothers me. It feels like you are more focused on it possibly leading to dating than he is. But perhaps I'm reading something into it. One of the things I like about a platonic friendship is that (usually) it is uncomplicated and doesn't focus on feelings too much.) Hi Jean, Well, truth be told... we overheard ds tell a relative over the summer he thinks of this girl as his "girlfriend". That part leaves me :confused: as there is no way this relationship can be more than what it is -- friendly and platonic. I know raising an Asperger's child/teen is different. I have to confess I am leery of bursting his bubble (or preconceived notions) that this relationship is platonic. I still cringe over the past when he realized at age 10, Santa was not real (thanks to dear MIL/Grandma -- he still doesn't like to talk about it) and I know Aspies are more late to bloom. But I struggle with this issue as nowadays, I don't want ds to think this way if another female is kind or friendly and he "misinterprets" her actions, KWIM? From an Aspie POV, I hate to burst his bubble, but I have to lay the cards on the table and call it what it is. I am hoping this social lesson can be positive and in the future help ds understand friendship a bit better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted October 6, 2011 Author Share Posted October 6, 2011 This. My dd with autism has friends she very much enjoys spending time with. She will ask me if she can meet with them, but when it comes to actually making the arrangements, it often doesn't happen. Why? Who knows? Planning ahead is difficult for her because if it isn't going to happen in this moment, it's somewhere out there in the mists. If you feel it's important for him to email the girl, maybe instead of reminding, just sit him down and tell him to do it now while you're both thinking about it. :) I'd keep arranging the actual meetings because that makes it more of a family get-together and takes the focus off the two of them dating. Cat Good point. I like to look at it as both families enjoy each other's company -- not dating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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