Ewe Mama Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 Could you make up an official-looking quarantine sign and post it on all your doors and windows, saying that you have contracted some bizarre disease and are under quarantine until January 2012? Make up a disease name (Post-Partum Foofytitis) if you have to. Then have dh call her and tell her it will be illegal for her to enter the home until the doctors have lifted the quarantine. One of the sypmtoms is laryngitis, so you don't have to talk to her. ;) Since she's elderly and irrational, she might buy it. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 12, 2011 Author Share Posted September 12, 2011 I hear your plight and I think--us, a few years back. I did have to tell the hospital that mil was NOT invited in, could not hold/look/breathe on my babies and I stationed a friend at the door for a week after we were home. I remember all too well my mil throwing a fit because I wouldn't let the nurses give out what we'd had with number 2. She wanted to know so she could leave to go visit her "real" grandchild (her words). I let her stew for hours. Since she'd made it very plain that it was very inconvenient for us to have another baby in the spring--how was I supposed to be working in the hayfield???? That fit was minor compared to the one that she had when she found out that I was headed to TX to have surgery in the hopes of more children. I thought I was going to have to call the manager to get away from her at the grocery store. A lot of people thought it was me that was the baddie, until we paid the ranch off and then everyone in town found out just what she was like. I still have folks come up to me (and mil's been dead for over a year) and apologize for thinking my mil was sane... You have my sympathy! We haven't had any apologies yet :lol: My MIL threw a huge hissy when she found out we were expecting again. We already weren't taking care of our responsibilities (aka moving to take care of her) so we had no business having another baby. She's also called in hysterics, convinced baby will be special needs. Is it possible NOT to tell her when the baby is born? :) I know she knows the due date, but is it possible that she won't come until she thinks the baby is born? No idea. We've asked her not to come until I'm recovered. Could you make up an official-looking quarantine sign and post it on all your doors and windows, saying that you have contracted some bizarre disease and are under quarantine until January 2012? Make up a disease name (Post-Partum Foofytitis) if you have to. Then have dh call her and tell her it will be illegal for her to enter the home until the doctors have lifted the quarantine. One of the sypmtoms is laryngitis, so you don't have to talk to her. ;) Since she's elderly and irrational, she might buy it. :grouphug: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Since you don't know how incapacitated you are going to be, couldn't you just let her be there? She might surprise you and be a great help if you are unable to care for the new baby. That's what I would do, at least. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 Since you don't know how incapacitated you are going to be, couldn't you just let her be there? She might surprise you and be a great help if you are unable to care for the new baby. That's what I would do, at least. No. She's never, ever a help. She demands to be waited on at all times, and throws fits if she's not the centre of attention. Not to mention that she's in her early 80s, and frail. We can't let her go up and down the stairs on her own. She constantly nags and complains that the kids are too loud, too busy, the house isn't neat enough, etc. Wolf's already said that he'll have his hands full enough with the kids and I, he can't hack having to take care of her too. She competes with the kids for Wolf and my attention. I can't imagine how much worse she'd be with a newborn around. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 (edited) :grouphug::grouphug: Frankly, it always amazes me that she finds a way. She doesn't wait to Yup. Telling her no is generally a waste of breath...She acts like it was never heard, and then is all shocked and upset when ppl get angry with her over it. It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission. After all, "christians" are "supposed" to forgive. (and "christians" are "supposed" to not deliberatly go offending people!) WHY does she push this carp? Seriously. Its like a power play for her. She does whatever she wants, and everyone is expected to suck it up. yep. exactly right. the only way to deal is to say "no", often. do not attempt to reason with her, she'll take it as you caving. Nope, doesn't work. Nope doesn't work. Nope, doesn't work. ad infinitem. Be a broken record. You are then no longer "playing *her* game" with her. if she wont' drop it, then say goodbye and hang up the phone - do not feel guilty. dh has a favorite saying "don't try and teach the pig to sing - it wastes your time and annoys the pig." You have to get over this. Just like you're not responsible for her reactions to you, It isn't fun, but you have to learn to say "No" simply but firmly. If she pushes, then it isn't harsh or nasty to say "I said no, and mean it." It is being truthful even if it isn't what she wants to hear. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: :iagree: stop worrying so much about angering her. Your children, your family, your health, and your baby's health all come before her ego gratification. "just say no" fit this situation too. Sometimes, you seriously start to wonder if you're losing it, b/c the person in question can't seriously be that clueless about boundaries, or selfish or arrogant, can they? yes, people can be that clueless, selfish, and arrogant. It's very nice when people want to believe that others aren't capable of that type of narcisstic behavior, but deNile isn't just a river in Egypt. We honestly believe she's NPD. I had nightmares last night about her showing up at the hospital while I was in labour, and refusing to leave the room :glare: . MIL walked into the labor room with #1, I was horrified, and thinking what the *&(^*^*&(* are you doing here?!? (and I was still fairly inexperienced about how nutso she is.) apparently she'd gotten past the nurses because she is a nurse. they showed her out. She's now 86. we keep telling ourselves she's going to die one day. (though I would like sil to get a reality check about her mother's behavior. she tends to excuse/ignore a lot of it. Now, mil's living with her. mwahahaha.) Wolf's already said that he'll have his hands full enough with the kids and I, he can't hack having to take care of her too.. Has he read the boundaries book? just say no, and say it often. Edited September 13, 2011 by gardenmom5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I should add an experience with mil - that would probably be pertinent to yours as well. Might help you . . . As I was on my way to explosively hitting my head on the ceiling one day after an encounter with her :banghead:, I had an epiphany:Angel_anim:. she doesn't get it. she is incapable of "getting it". She is as blind to how other people see her and her shenanigan's as if she was born physically blind and asked to see something that is physical. No one would condemn her for not being able to see it, and it really is something beyond her ability to control. I have been much better able to deal with her. I also don't have a problem in saying "no" and saying it often. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Since you don't know how incapacitated you are going to be, couldn't you just let her be there? She might surprise you and be a great help if you are unable to care for the new baby. That's what I would do, at least. I was wondering same thing. She may surprisingly be helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liza Lee Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Since you don't know how incapacitated you are going to be, couldn't you just let her be there? She might surprise you and be a great help if you are unable to care for the new baby. That's what I would do, at least. I was wondering same thing. She may surprisingly be helpful. If she truly has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, (and Impish's descriptions make me think she does) then that's like saying the water might not be wet. A person with NPD is not capable of feeling empathy. This woman is elderly and has already made it clear that she expects her son and DIL to take care of HER. If she shows up, she will expect Impish and her husband to cater to her needs. It's really all about Her. We're talking about a serious mental illness. Not someone who is a little annoying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 If she truly has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, (and Impish's descriptions make me think she does) then that's like saying the water might not be wet. A person with NPD is not capable of feeling empathy. This woman is elderly and has already made it clear that she expects her son and DIL to take care of HER. If she shows up, she will expect Impish and her husband to cater to her needs. It's really all about Her. We're talking about a serious mental illness. Not someone who is a little annoying. But we are only getting one side of the story -- the OP's version. I was only trying to point to a possibility. I don't know both sides of the story, so wouldn't attempt to label it as "serious mental illness," let alone something as specific as NPD. In a situation like the OP's, where chronic illness may incapacitate her after the birth, it isn't terribly bizarre to suggest that someone else might be a help. The MIL isn't some kind of evil spawn from Satan. She's a person and she could possibly have something good to offer. She MIGHT be capable of surprising everyone and being helpful. That's all I'm saying. I get it if the OP wants to write off my suggestion to cut her a little slack and extend her the benefit of the doubt here. That's her perogative. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 No. She's never, ever a help. She demands to be waited on at all times, and throws fits if she's not the centre of attention. Not to mention that she's in her early 80s, and frail. We can't let her go up and down the stairs on her own. She constantly nags and complains that the kids are too loud, too busy, the house isn't neat enough, etc. Wolf's already said that he'll have his hands full enough with the kids and I, he can't hack having to take care of her too. She competes with the kids for Wolf and my attention. I can't imagine how much worse she'd be with a newborn around. Demanding and throwing fits? She will be a good practice target for the terrible twos or for tough love. I have a close relative S whose diagnosed mental illness results in some of the similar behaviors you describe in your mother in law. People who suffer from S's disorder understandably tend to lead lives of social isolation and have difficulty making and keeping friends because of their outrageous behavior. After years of internal conflict, I mostly stopped responding on any emotional level to S's catty remarks, attempts to manipulate, insult, induce guilt, garner attention any way possible and create strife. Instead I recognized S for what S was: an adult sized toddler devoid of rational thinking and problem solving skills. S truly is incapable of changing so I had to alter my response to S. Eventually I realized - much later than rest of my family did - that I was feeding the beast by complaining about S to those close to me. She demands to be waited on? Ignore her or neutrally refuse her requests. Wants to be center of attenion? Ignore her or respond only briefly and in a neutral manner. Refuse to be drawn into the drama she attempts to create. She wants to complain endlessly? Ask her what single positive thing she had done or can do to improve her situation? She nags about noise? Great time to tell her that your household routine works well for your family so it may be time for her to find a place where she is more comfortable. House isn't neat enough? Put her to work cleaning or sweetly say that you will miss her but you understand if she has to stay somewhere more comfortable. IOW, keep placing the responsibility for her satisfaction and contentment upon her and her alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shelly in IL Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Perhaps it is more than the Impish family can handle when they are both tired and busy with a newborn (not to mention her arm illness). I just think it would take alot of mental energy they might not have at the upcoming moment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Whether or not Imp's MIL has mental health issues doesn't really make a difference in whether MIL should be there. Imp and Wolf both get really stressed out when she is around and having a new baby in the house, dealing with other health problems, and taking care of kids is not a good time to have added stress. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 Thank you everyone for your responses. Audrey, I understand your perspective. And if MIL weren't such a negative, draining individual, I'd have a different attitude. This is the same woman that complains about how rude I am b/c my pain levels are up and I had to take a break through med and rest while she was visiting. Everything else aside, I truly don't see her being the slightest bit understanding of the recovery I'll be going through. Wolf is taking parental leave after baby is born, solely b/c we've been warned I may well be incapacitated. He doesn't feel he can handle his mother on top of everything else, and there's no way I'll be in any shape to deal with her. The last wknd she was here, Wolf and I paid close attention to what she said and did...and not one positive thing ever was said. It was all a litany of complaint. We didn't give her enough attention. They children are ill behaved. Too loud. Too busy. We abandoned her in the house (we asked her to come out in the front yard while the kids rode their bikes, she refused, staying in living room, 4 ft from the door)...the list goes on. Heck, if it were possible that she'd be content to rock the baby from time to time, that would be different. If we could count on her to not be critical and insulting, that would be different. But we can't, and honestly, there's only so much we can deal with at this point. As I've said, its not that we've told her not to come, ever. We've asked that she waits until I'm recovered. I don't think that's a lot to ask, really. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 The saddest part is all the life energy that is spent on this woman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Barb B Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 OK, sorry didn't read all the replies. My ex is like this. I get that some guys are programed to respond to these types of MIL - but really, why don't they get that they need to have their wives back - yes, they were programed this way. . . but really, they are adults now! Your dh needs to have your back - to back you up. He seems just like my situation was - he get guilt from his mother and passed it on to me: but she's old, but, but , but - just to make me feel guilty. In the long run - he needs to choose here - he needs to choose to put your needs ahead of his mothers wants/guilt trips . . . If not - you need to keep drawing the line in the sand - no visits from mil means just that. She or your dh do not need to understand why. Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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