Repairing my ds...uber long sorry.

[seraphina]

Not sure if this would be better here or in special needs but I decided to put it in the general board, hope that is ok.

 

Last year we pulled our then 11 ds out of the local public school. It was his first year of middle school and it was a disaster, to put it mildly. He had been in a self-contained gifted program since 2nd grade. He had done well up until last year. He had been a bright, energetic, curious child but slowly he started to develop issues. We had seen some of the issues in elementary school and had put him in therapy. After a year he seemed much better and we assumed all was well. Even his teacher who is a close friend of mine said he was back to his old self.

 

Then 6th grade and the problems not only returned but along with them came many others. Originally he was diagnosed with ADD. We didn't agree with the diagnosis and sought further evaluation. Eventually with the help of a wonderful team of doctors and an amazing therapist we came to the conclusion that he had severe generalized anxiety. Unfortunately the diagnosis came at the end of the 3rd quarter of school. He was already failing and was at the point where he pretty much stopped talking.

 

We had tried repeatedly to get help from the school but they were reluctant to do anything without a full evaluation which we tried to explain took time. Most of his teachers understood and tried to work with us. One though who he had for four periods in the day was a total jerk and that is putting it mildly. We had repeated meeting with him and the way he talk to our ds made our skin crawl. We both agreed if he talked to him like that with us there he must be horrible without us around. We decided after the last meeting to pull him out of school. I just couldn't put him through that. Why would I send him to school to be tormented, why would I send him someplace else when I was capable of educating him. Oh at that time I was a full-time student but I chose my son over my degree like most moms would do.

 

Only after I pulled him out did other parents start coming to me. Their children had described the teacher yelling at my son in class and in the hall. They said he would call him out specifically to embarrass him. And these weren't his friends, these were just classmates. My ds still wouldn't talk about school, he would go blank and not speak at all when the subject came up. He would sleep all day and refused to go out of the house. He was a mess.

 

I decided to take the rest of the year off of school and over the summer all I had him do was read. We started the school year when my other children started school. He was and is so excited to be homeschooled. He is slowly starting to tell me things about last year. He describes being yelled at for asking questions, being told his questions were "stupid", he says he was told his work "sucked" and many little things like that.

 

He used to love to write but now he is reluctant to do any writing at all because he says he is a horrible writer which isn't the case. Today when doing algebra he was stuck on a problem. I asked him if he needed help and he said yes. He is still reluctant to ask for help when he needs it. It took all of a minute to help him understand. Afterwards I asked him if he would have asked for help in school and he said "no because I'd get yelled at".

 

It makes me so mad what he went through. I feel like an awful mother. I know he enjoys being home, I know he is learning, he tells me that he is learning more than he did last year. His anxiety is decreasing but it's still considered clinical. Right now my biggest worry is how to get his confidence and natural curiosity back. His biggest struggle is writing. He worries his ideas are stupid and he is reluctant to do anything that requires curiosity.

 

I am trying to be patient with the whole process. I just don't want him to fall behind his friends. I don't want him to feel bad about himself. But part of me just says it will come back if I don't push it, if I just let him progress naturally. Does anyone have any ideas, opinions, words of wisdom, anything would be helpful.

 

Thanks.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

That teacher should be prosecuted. That is inexcusable. Why didn't the other parents say anything to the principal?

[DusksAngel]

That teacher should be prosecuted. That is inexcusable. Why didn't the other parents say anything to the principal?

:iagree:

[itsheresomewhere]

First-:grouphug:

 

Second- I know exactly what you are going through. Similar stuff happened to my DS last year. He is special ed. I can't even explain my feelings completely yet. I keep telling myself (as I am sure you do to) it wasn't my fault. As the information comes out, it will hurt but your son is better telling you about it than not. DS's therapist says don't push but build. So I am building up his self worth now. Let him know you love him, hug him and just listen. Those are the best things right now.

 

If you ever want to talk, just PM me.

[Bang!Zoom!]

Would it be helpful for him to hear and feel appreciation from others for a short while?

 

Is he much of a "giver" personality?

 

You could involve him in projects and places in his city while still achieving educational goals.

 

Something simple like building models (versus straight out of a book) for geometry, patterns and reading. Just something at the end that visually shows accomplishment, achievement and progress.

 

It doesn't sound like papers and books and grades are probably something he is motivated by.

 

Just thinking out loud, perhaps a big change in his learning environment could support a "new" way of learning.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I am trying to be patient with the whole process. I just don't want him to fall behind his friends. I don't want him to feel bad about himself. But part of me just says it will come back if I don't push it, if I just let him progress naturally.

 

:grouphug:

 

I think you bringing him home was the beginning of his repair process, so kudos to you for that. I bolded above what I would focus on. Patience, patience, patience. I agree that his spark will come back when he is not pushed. You are his safe place to land, so stay safe.

 

I would have a relaxed school. I would make it a point to ask him before, during, and after every assignment if he has any questions. This will allow him to ask questions without having to initiate.

 

I would take him out in nature, often. There is a curative, restorative aspect to nature that is underappreciated.

 

But, mainly, I would do what you are doing right now, be his safe place.

 

Oh, and I would absolutely write a letter to the principal and turn that teacher in. That's where I would let the fury unleash.

[seraphina]

Thanks for the all the kind words. This whole thing has made me emotional and there are very few people I can talk to without feeling judged. I can't believe how many parents seem to feel that bad teachers are good for character building. The few parents who have come to me though about what they have heard from their kids have been very supportive. A good friend from church felt really bad because her daughter didn't come to her until after the school year was over. She has been very supportive of our decision to keep him home.

 

We have written several letters to the principal. But honestly with other things going on in our life right now we just don't feel like pursuing it any further, the teachers union is strong here and being a "gifted" teacher he has a lot of weight. I have learned though he is not a well liked teacher. Last year was his second year in the middle school gifted program, I have a feeling he was moved out of the elementary program because of his "teaching" style and yes I use that loosely.

 

I love the advice about taking him out in nature. We live in the city but we have nature centers, metroparks and farmparks close by. We have done a ton of outside learning. My husband is worried about him falling behind more so than me. I was always open to homeschooling but my husband was reluctant. Honestly he wanted me to put him in an e-school when I pulled him out but I said "NO WAY" because I felt it was no different than a brick and mortar public school.

 

Anyhow thanks for reassuring me. I know that this is the best place for him. And it's been so nice spending so much time with him. He is such a cool kids and I love him to bits. Thanks again guys.

[Alte Veste Academy]

I can't believe how many parents seem to feel that bad teachers are good for character building.

 

They are wrong, wrong, wrong. Yes, challenges in life are character building. Yes, learning to deal with difficult people is character building. Being under the control and authority of a cruel, immature bully of a teacher is character destroying.

 

My husband is worried about him falling behind more so than me. I was always open to homeschooling but my husband was reluctant. Honestly he wanted me to put him in an e-school when I pulled him out but I said "NO WAY" because I felt it was no different than a brick and mortar public school.

 

You have time. You have plenty of time. Take at least this year to let him heal from that terrible experience and then reassess at the end of the year.

 

And it's been so nice spending so much time with him. He is such a cool kids and I love him to bits.

 

Aw, this is why he'll turn around and be OK in the end. Let him feel that every single day. :)

[JennifersLost]

My heart is with you. We had something similar happen to one of our children and I know just how you feel.

 

You are doing everything right and you aren't a bad parent. Things do happen in life that are unexpected - but with the kind of love and attention your child is now getting he can move on from it.

 

Giving him time to heal and then gradually introducing new challenges and places to succeed is a great idea.

[Little Nyssa]

It makes me really angry that a teacher would abuse a vulnerable child like that. The man needs to be held to account. I would document everything and send it not just to the principal but the district superintendent as well and the PTA. I know your focus is on helping your son, and you are right, but I am sure he was not the only child affected or who will be affected by that guy if nobody says anything.

[Denise in Florida]

Not sure if this would be better here or in special needs but I decided to put it in the general board, hope that is ok.

 

Last year we pulled our then 11 ds out of the local public school. It was his first year of middle school and it was a disaster, to put it mildly. He had been in a self-contained gifted program since 2nd grade. He had done well up until last year. He had been a bright, energetic, curious child but slowly he started to develop issues. We had seen some of the issues in elementary school and had put him in therapy. After a year he seemed much better and we assumed all was well. Even his teacher who is a close friend of mine said he was back to his old self.

 

Then 6th grade and the problems not only returned but along with them came many others. Originally he was diagnosed with ADD. We didn't agree with the diagnosis and sought further evaluation. Eventually with the help of a wonderful team of doctors and an amazing therapist we came to the conclusion that he had severe generalized anxiety. Unfortunately the diagnosis came at the end of the 3rd quarter of school. He was already failing and was at the point where he pretty much stopped talking.

 

We had tried repeatedly to get help from the school but they were reluctant to do anything without a full evaluation which we tried to explain took time. Most of his teachers understood and tried to work with us. One though who he had for four periods in the day was a total jerk and that is putting it mildly. We had repeated meeting with him and the way he talk to our ds made our skin crawl. We both agreed if he talked to him like that with us there he must be horrible without us around. We decided after the last meeting to pull him out of school. I just couldn't put him through that. Why would I send him to school to be tormented, why would I send him someplace else when I was capable of educating him. Oh at that time I was a full-time student but I chose my son over my degree like most moms would do.

 

Only after I pulled him out did other parents start coming to me. Their children had described the teacher yelling at my son in class and in the hall. They said he would call him out specifically to embarrass him. And these weren't his friends, these were just classmates. My ds still wouldn't talk about school, he would go blank and not speak at all when the subject came up. He would sleep all day and refused to go out of the house. He was a mess.

 

I decided to take the rest of the year off of school and over the summer all I had him do was read. We started the school year when my other children started school. He was and is so excited to be homeschooled. He is slowly starting to tell me things about last year. He describes being yelled at for asking questions, being told his questions were "stupid", he says he was told his work "sucked" and many little things like that.

 

He used to love to write but now he is reluctant to do any writing at all because he says he is a horrible writer which isn't the case. Today when doing algebra he was stuck on a problem. I asked him if he needed help and he said yes. He is still reluctant to ask for help when he needs it. It took all of a minute to help him understand. Afterwards I asked him if he would have asked for help in school and he said "no because I'd get yelled at".

 

It makes me so mad what he went through. I feel like an awful mother. I know he enjoys being home, I know he is learning, he tells me that he is learning more than he did last year. His anxiety is decreasing but it's still considered clinical. Right now my biggest worry is how to get his confidence and natural curiosity back. His biggest struggle is writing. He worries his ideas are stupid and he is reluctant to do anything that requires curiosity.

 

I am trying to be patient with the whole process. I just don't want him to fall behind his friends. I don't want him to feel bad about himself. But part of me just says it will come back if I don't push it, if I just let him progress naturally. Does anyone have any ideas, opinions, words of wisdom, anything would be helpful.

 

Thanks.

 

Follow your instincts, you are doing it right. Allow him plenty of time to deschool and destress. When he is comfortable and not in shut down mode he will be able to pick things up easily. Working one on one it will not take much time for him to catch up assuming he falls behind at all.

[seraphina]

I should say also that while I don't take much stock at all in standardized tests we recently got his results from last school year and they were at the very top. So I am not too worried about him falling behind because even if he does he would still be above what his age group is.

 

Thanks again. I am really glad I found this forum. You are all amazing.

[MBM]

The problem with bullying is that the bullied eventually believe what they're told. For example, your son used to love writing but now believes he's not a good writer. Being called *stupid* won't have a good effect. At this point, I'd suggest having conversations with your son that teach him to question what he was told and what he believes, and then talk about what refutes the erroneous beliefs.

 

Tamar Chansky's book Freeing Your Child From Negative Thinking has other exercises that can help you teach your child ways of warding off negative thoughts. Chansky specializes in childhood anxiety. Her ideas are similar to that of Martin Seligman's.

 

I think you will also want to keep an eye out for signs of depression.

 

I've dealt with two bully-teachers in my kids' lives. The first time, I was blind-sided by it and didn't really know what to do. The second time, I took the teacher to the table and she eventually left the school. And you know what? I'm glad. She was really awful with certain kids.

 

As for homeschooling, maybe your son could help you design something with you as he feels up to it.

 

If he has some good buddies or other non-school activities, try to keep those going, too.

 

:grouphug: to you and your little fellow.

[soonermomma]

We had my dd8 evaluated during first grade, because there were so many signs to us and her teacher that something was going on. We all kind of assumed it was add. I guess I was making excuses in my mind for some of the other obvious signs, but she too, was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Mild Depression. By the time we got the diagnosis school had become a big struggle for her. The difference was, she had a GREAT teacher that I communicated with daily, and if dd was having a rough time, her teacher would just set dd at the teachers desk and help her stay focused on her work. She also took the time to research the medications we were trying and let me know if she saw anything that might be a side effect. We made it through the school year, and decided medication was no longer an option, because of all the bad side effects she had from every one we tried. She started 2nd grade unmedicated and this time we weren't so lucky with the teacher we got. She was very critical of everything dd did and never focused on the the positives. All of my communications with her were very negative. By October, her anxiety was very high again. The head aches and stomach aches were back and she did not want to go to school. Every morning she would cry that she didn't want to go. She was very withdrawn. I was at a total loss as to what to do. That weekend I ordered curriculum and decided she wasn't going back to school on Monday. Our first day homeschooling was November first of last year. She is a completely different child now. It took a couple of months for her anxiety levels to return to a more normal range, but it did happen. She is more outgoing and confident now than she has EVER been. She loves co-op and has no trouble making friends. Obviously we made the right decision for her, but I wasn't so sure of that at first. I really second guessed it for a while. I hope that you will see the same positive results that we have! :grouphug:

[Parrothead]

Seraphina, I have an anxious child. No formal diagnosis or anything though. Since she has always been homeschooled there was never a need.

 

I just want to say that what has helped dd a lot is going at her pace. I think when your ds is ready for each next step he will let you know. Take heart. It will get better. You are doing all the right things now to get your young man where he needs to be. :grouphug:

 

 

Obviously we made the right decision for her, but I wasn't so sure of that at first. I really second guessed it for a while. I hope that you will see the same positive results that we have! :grouphug:

I'm glad she is doing so well.