ProudGrandma Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 This is the phrase I hear over and over again from my 11 year old daughter...and it's not that she wants us to have a baby...she wants a 10 year old sister so she has a built in playmate, like her 2 younger brothers have with each other. I try as hard as I can to involve her in what I am doing, and she does enjoy that...to a point, but being with mom only goes so far too...she also has friends over at least weekly...and she sees other friends in other places...art class, church, etc. She also spends a lot of her time in her room listening to audio books and crafting, or reading...3 of her most favorite things to do. But it's just not the same as having a sister...or so she says. Is there anything I can do to help her through this time?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 Honestly, other than validate her, listen to her, not much. :grouphug: Sounds like you support her by having her involved w/girls her age, etc, so I can't honestly imagine what more you *could* do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProudGrandma Posted September 4, 2011 Author Share Posted September 4, 2011 Honestly, other than validate her, listen to her, not much. :grouphug: Sounds like you support her by having her involved w/girls her age, etc, so I can't honestly imagine what more you *could* do. thanks...that is what I thought too...but she still complains...and I feel badly for her...becasue I see daily where her 2 brothers play football, soccer, baseball etc with each other for hours (they are really close buddies)...and there she sits...she doesn't like sports...isn't interested at all....and they are ALL about sports 90% of the time. They do all 3 play together some....but...she is still sad. I know I can't take away all of her sadness but I would like to, sometimes at least. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 I understand. There's a big age gap btwn my kids. My eldest is in the Navy. Diva is turning 13. Tazzie is 6, and Princess is 5 later this month. Its hard on Diva sometimes...she's so far apart in age from her sibs. So, I do my best to try and do things just with her. So does Wolf. She gets a break from the Littles, gets to feel like she's the centre of attention, and gets her interests indulged (as best we can, given budget constraints). Other than making the effort to do something just with her, I honestly don't know what else you can do. :grouphug: for you and her. Oh... I was the only girl in my FOO. I was raised with one older, 2 younger brothers. I never really missed out on a sister, tbh. I think that was b/c my parents always made a big deal out of me being the only girl, it was my 'claim to fame' if you will. My parents made a point of special things to do with me *because* I was the only dd. Perhaps that would help? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liza Lee Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 It sounds like she's wallowing in her sadness. I would discourage that a lot. Her circumstances are that she DOESN'T have a sister and she needs to deal with it. Of course some of this may be due to early hormone surges. If you think that's the case administer chocolate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProudGrandma Posted September 4, 2011 Author Share Posted September 4, 2011 I understand. There's a big age gap btwn my kids. My eldest is in the Navy. Diva is turning 13. Tazzie is 6, and Princess is 5 later this month. Its hard on Diva sometimes...she's so far apart in age from her sibs. So, I do my best to try and do things just with her. So does Wolf. She gets a break from the Littles, gets to feel like she's the centre of attention, and gets her interests indulged (as best we can, given budget constraints). Other than making the effort to do something just with her, I honestly don't know what else you can do. :grouphug: for you and her. Oh... I was the only girl in my FOO. I was raised with one older, 2 younger brothers. I never really missed out on a sister, tbh. I think that was b/c my parents always made a big deal out of me being the only girl, it was my 'claim to fame' if you will. My parents made a point of special things to do with me *because* I was the only dd. Perhaps that would help? what sort of things did your parent do to make you feel special as the only girl? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProudGrandma Posted September 4, 2011 Author Share Posted September 4, 2011 It sounds like she's wallowing in her sadness. I would discourage that a lot. Her circumstances are that she DOESN'T have a sister and she needs to deal with it. Of course some of this may be due to early hormone surges. If you think that's the case administer chocolate. I agree that she is doing this sometimes...and I have wondered about the hormones too...I have tried to talk to her about her circumstances...and have even gone as far to remind her that one of her good friends is an only child because her parents can't have any other kids and they haven't been successful at adoption...yet...we are still hoping for that for them...and she understands that...but she also quickly forgets. This too shall pass...yes??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 thanks...that is what I thought too...but she still complains...and I feel badly for her...becasue I see daily where her 2 brothers play football, soccer, baseball etc with each other for hours (they are really close buddies)...and there she sits...she doesn't like sports...isn't interested at all....and they are ALL about sports 90% of the time. They do all 3 play together some....but...she is still sad. I know I can't take away all of her sadness but I would like to, sometimes at least. You might point out that it's entirely possible to have a sister who would talk about sports 90% of the time! What she's really saying is, "I wish I had a relationship that mirrors the one my brothers have." That's a very valid thing to want, but just having a sister close in age in no way guarantees that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 what sort of things did your parent do to make you feel special as the only girl? It was pointed out when doing both little and big things. Anything feminine in the house was for me, I didn't have to share things the way my brothers did. I had a lock on my door. I got to choose paint for my room without having to consider anyone else's taste (my younger bros shared a room). Looking back, it was a common theme, subtly pointing out how lucky I was to be the only girl. Mom would take me to get our hair done together, stuff like that. Biggest thing was the theatre. That was a strictly Mom and me thing, never my brothers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProudGrandma Posted September 4, 2011 Author Share Posted September 4, 2011 You might point out that it's entirely possible to have a sister who would talk about sports 90% of the time! What she's really saying is, "I wish I had a relationship that mirrors the one my brothers have." That's a very valid thing to want, but just having a sister close in age in no way guarantees that. I agree...and you are 100% right...that is exactly what she wants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProudGrandma Posted September 4, 2011 Author Share Posted September 4, 2011 It was pointed out when doing both little and big things. Anything feminine in the house was for me, I didn't have to share things the way my brothers did. I had a lock on my door. I got to choose paint for my room without having to consider anyone else's taste (my younger bros shared a room). Looking back, it was a common theme, subtly pointing out how lucky I was to be the only girl. Mom would take me to get our hair done together, stuff like that. Biggest thing was the theatre. That was a strictly Mom and me thing, never my brothers. we do things like that all of the time for and with her...but maybe I am not vocalizing enough how special she is or how she gets to do "x" becasue she is the girl. Do you know how that effected your brothers? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 It didn't :lol: Its not like they were ignored, not in the slightest. Certain things were simply, "She's the girl, so her and Mom..." None of them were interested in musical theatre anyways! Or getting their hair done. Or wearing pink. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Girls' Mom Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 :grouphug: My oldest has a similar wish...only she wishes for a twin like her sisters have. (Nevermind that one of the twins would gladly trade places with her :lol:) I think part of it is seeing that special relationship. The other is knowing that she DID have a twin in utero that didn't make it past the first trimester. Anyway, there is NOTHING to be done about it other than sympathize. I'm 35 and STILL wish I had a sister. But I made it ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julikins Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 :grouphug: I'm 35 and STILL wish I had a sister. But I made it ;) I'm the same way. In a way, I still wish I could have that special sister relationship but the Lord has always given me good friends throughout all the moves in my life. That might be something you can point out as you're telling her how special she is. God planned for her to be in the position in which He placed her. He has a special plan for her, Jer. 29:11--my favorite verse for these kinds of situations because it reminds us that God's plan is for our future and hope, not to harm us. She does need to accept it and see that it is God's will for her life, and then she can find joy in her special position in the house! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bairnmama Posted September 4, 2011 Share Posted September 4, 2011 I'm 35 and STILL wish I had a sister. But I made it ;) I'm 36 and do have a sister... but still wish for a close sibling relationship. My sister and I are absolutely nothing alike and don't really share any common interests. We never have. We often go months without communicating at all. It's nothing adversarial, just nothing to say. My mom says she has never seen any siblings so vastly different from each other. I agree that there's not really much you can do but let her sort through her feelings herself. But also, don't allow her to focus too much energy on self-pity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProudGrandma Posted September 5, 2011 Author Share Posted September 5, 2011 I appreciate the thoughts and helping me see the focus I need to be moving her to...off of herself and on to others and onto the good things she does have. thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProudGrandma Posted September 5, 2011 Author Share Posted September 5, 2011 I'm the same way. In a way, I still wish I could have that special sister relationship but the Lord has always given me good friends throughout all the moves in my life. That might be something you can point out as you're telling her how special she is. God planned for her to be in the position in which He placed her. He has a special plan for her, Jer. 29:11--my favorite verse for these kinds of situations because it reminds us that God's plan is for our future and hope, not to harm us. She does need to accept it and see that it is God's will for her life, and then she can find joy in her special position in the house! I especially appreciate this...this is the place that God has her in...we are the family that she belongs to and God has great things in store for her. Thanks for helping me see this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 Would it help her to know that there are other girls in similar spots? My 9yo DD has wanted a sister of her own for years. Even though there would be a big age gap, she was really hoping that we'd have a girl this time around. She ended up with three brothers. And she is happy about them but still hopes for the baby sister someday (tbh, *K* want the baby sister for her as well -- my own sister is 9 years younger than I am, and while I've always had a little twinge about not having the close peer sister relationship that lots of girls have, I adore my sister and wouldn't trade her for anything). When DS3 arrived, my MIL was quick to suggest a girl's day out for her and DD, leaving no time for DD to feel sad -- she saw that being the only girl has its advantages right away! (She's also the oldest child, and the oldest grandchild on both sides, so much is made of her anyway.) I would encourage her to stop wallowing, and remind her that it's not the same, but maybe she'll find that close relationship to share the college/adult/mothering/etc. years with, later -- maybe her brothers' wives, or her husband's sister, or a college friend. . . I'd also have your DH make a special effort to make her feel special because she's his little girl. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BamaTanya Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 I had two brothers. Sister relationships are often idealized in books (Little Women anyone?) and movies. As I matured I realized that sister relationships aren't always like that. My mom's sisters caused her a lot of stress because of their constant drama and neediness. My college roommate's sister caused financial and emotional turmoil in her family. Wanting a sister -- a REAL sister like the girls in LW -- is one of those emotional aches we can make worse for wanting. We can believe we are lacking something, that we have been denied a divine right. If only I had blue eyes . . . If only I could sing like the contestants on American Idol . . . (and maybe a little later:) If only I had a bigger cup size . . . I think it's a passage of childhood, and you can sympathize without allowing her to get "stuck" there. It's pretty easy to miss something we don't have so much that we forget to appreciate what we do have. It took me many years to get a sister, but my college roommate was pretty close. A few years later, I married dh and got FOUR sisters: his three sisters and his sil. And then my two brothers got married and I got TWO more. :lol: Tell your dd she can never know what good things are waiting for her. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sasharowan Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 My daughter goes through spells where she laments not having a sister. I just point out that a sister wouldn't necessarily be a best friend (the brothers fight A lot) and she can adopt her BFF as a sister that lives elsewhere. I did the same as a teen and I had a little sister. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evergreen State Sue Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 I want a wife! (Wouldn't that be nice to have someone help with the workload!) Seriously though, I mourn the fact that my children don't have grandparents, nor cousins close to their age, nor a sibling of the same gender. But in reality, the family they do have is making them who they are. Perhaps it will cause your dd to reach out when she is older to become a Big Sister to a young girl in need. God put her in the family she has for a reason. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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